covering for exh with children

[synes]

hello, I have been justifying my exh changing of plans and weekends off to our children for some time, and really I am wondering if I'm doing the right thing by them.

my youngest is 11 and he gets very angry at plan changes and takes them personally so I've been very careful to find a good reason to say his dad has let him down rather than , your dad wants to persue his hobby this weekend or go out drinking with friends.

exh only has the children 2 nights a week, fri and sat, and never has all 3 of them, he always leaves one with me, so its not about me having to take care of them for an extra night or two, I just don't feel the dumping the children on his nights to go out or have a day away is fair on them.

I've spoken to him about the days off but always he says he deserves to be able to have time out to himself at weekends and just can't see the harm in changing plans last minute, he gets angry , plays victim and accuses me of trying to have control...he just doesn't get where I'm coming from and I can't see it changing.

Am I doing the right thing by them in covering for him? I'm worried that they see me as condoning his behaviour but I don't want to create tension between him and his children either or make them feel they aren't important to him.

[TaraMaiden]

No, you're not doing the right thing at all.

 

 

You're lying to your children.

I realise your motive is to spare them pain, but I fear they will not thank you in the end, because what you're doing is also making him look a lot better than he is.

 

They will discover, eventually, what a loser he is.

Don't give them the impression that you are a besotted doormat who would do and say anything to make his time easier.

 

 

My neighbour-of-long ago had this precise problem with her young daughter.

This poor little girl would wait for hours, in vain, waiting for her father to turn up for a promised outing to the funfair/swimming pool/seaside/meal out together.. it was truly heartbreaking to see her waiting at the window to see his car arrive, or jumping every time she thought she heard something at the door...

 

And the tears....

 

But my neighbour was honest. She told her what was true.

 

"Daddy has let you down yet again."

 

And it was. And he had.

 

Now, that little girl has all grown up. She has a little child of her own.

And she hasn't seen her deadbeat loser father for nearly 23 years.

And she doesn't give a damn.

 

But she's eternally grateful he mother never tried to hide the truth from her.

 

It's not your place to shield his false ass from their true opinions.