Husband Has walked out, will only see 4 month old daughter, it's killing me...

[h18geh]

Hi Guys, i will try not to ramble too much but just need to get out the facts. I have been with my husband for almost 7 years now (we are both 27) at the beginning of our relationship i went through an eating disorder and give him his dues he stuck by me, as hard as it got he was there, he had wobbles but stayed. in 2009 when i was starting recovery he proposed to me, wedding was arranged for September 2010, in March 2010 i was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer, i had to undergo two operations to have most of my cervix removed which was very traumatic on our relationship and families, there was question as to whether i would be able to have children which is what devastated me the most. Post surgery my husband went on his stag to Portugal, he came back a different person and told me that he didn't want to get married anymore and he had made a mistake by asking me, and i later found out that he had got very friendly with a girl on his stag (who was on her hen weekend) and they had stayed in contact when they got back in the UK, she had been telling him that she would leave her husband to be for him if he could commit the same thing. After about 10 days of no communication he came over to see me and told me all of this, i told him that if he ever wanted this to work he had to break contact with her as he was misleading her, and he did.

(i find it particularly hard to believe that a woman would consider leaving her husband to be for someone she had just met if something romantic or sexual hadn't happened??)

Families were aware of all of this and it was decided (by everyone but me) that the wedding should be postponed as my husband had changed his mind about marriage. (note he didn't want to re arrange the date, he just wanted to cancel it!)

 

The wedding was re arranged to June 2011, three more times he freaked out prior to the wedding and we all had to pander to him and talk him back round to it. We went ahead and got Married and it was an amazing day and he said afterwards that he felt silly that he had panicked about it so much.

 

We talked about having a baby but he insisted he wasn't ready (i was always ready as felt like with the cancer that the clock was ticking (we were told to have a family at our earliest possible convenience, whatever that meant) In August 2011 he decided out of the blue that we would start trying??? We tried for four months, three miscarriages later he changed his mind and decided again that he wasn't ready, i was heartbroken and well and truly fed up of his indecision as it clearly wasn't the first time, we continued sleeping together but much to my confusion he wasn't using any protection, Jan 1st 2012 i found out i was pregnant.

 

He seemed happy to start with but was acting differently for months, in April 2012 he went on a friends stag weekend to Portugal leaving the day after my birthday, he has to take Diazepam to fly as he is petrified of it, but regularly in a panic would take far too much. (Because of the cancer and surgery my pregnancy left me ff work on bed rest at home with no way of getting out the house and 90% o my time in bed or led on the sofa) he rang me loads whilst away and would text me all the time, the scan picture was apparently out all the time to show everyone how proud he was.combined with a stint of heavy drinking and taking too much Diazepam he came home a different person (again) at the 20 week scan )in the hospital waiting room) He admitted that he felt nothing, he felt trapped and couldn't cope with the responsibility and didn't want to be involved with the baby, 4 monts pregnant my world fell apart, i got families involved to try and make him realize what he was walking out on and how cruel he was being. I found an email he had sent to someone he worked with of a foreign looking girl with a comment like 'chica' on it. When i confronted him he said that she was part of a group of hens and it had turned out she was some famous footbllers girlfriend so he had taken a picture of her (all seemed to coincidental that he was all up for leaving. But continued to deny he had done anything untoward on the stag.

I also found out that he had been lying to his doctors about regularly flying and taking diazepam daily for panic attacks, and that he would sit on the drive way at our house and take it to be able to face seeing me. He was a complete monster for weeks, nasty, irrational, violent (not badly just pushing) and drinking loads, he eventually got off it and came back to normality.

 

Through the rest of the pregnancy he threatened to leave a few more times for the same reason and i ended up going out and looking for my own place (whilst still on bed rest) come weeks 28 onwards he was a diferent person, worried, caring, loving. Baby came almost two weeks late and he changed instantly, he loved her so much from the minute she was born and again felt so stupid for ever doubting wanting her.

 

All was fine for the first few months but his behavior was changing again, i followed him on 'find your friends' (an i phone app that tracks the movement of other people) and he would call me telling me he was at X and he was only a few miles from home just driving around, i had also found emails from a lady that works in his head office doing his admin (he is field/home based) and she was getting rather pally with him and emailing him from her personal email, nothing sexual but inappropriate to say the least given hes a married man. i caught him and confronted him and he told me once again that he didnr want to come home and see me, he was only with me for our baby and didn't love me anymore. Once again my world fell apart and i went to my family and told them everything, again after days of silence we spoke and agreed that he had to stop doing this and the lying had to stop, obviously there were changes i needed to make and i needed to calm down but i knew the catalist for that was the lying so if that stopped it would all calm down.

Christmas 2012 was lovely, he took almost 3 weeks off work and it was amazing, we spent loads of family time together and he was helpful, loving.

 

Two days ago he rang me and said he was going to the gym with a friend i asked who and he told me a friend from football, i thought nothing of it. He then got home later that evening and admitted that he had been with another friend (a friend who he had worked with back in 2008 and had got him taking coke at work, so not someone i had much time for) when he told me he apologized for lying but said i would have kicked up so lied for that reason. Then Last night he left his work laptop open and i had a quick look at his emails, he had deleted all the emails from her in his inbox but when i went to his sent mail i found a load of conversations between them (he had always promised me that if she sent emails not relating to work that he just didn't reply) well he had and on 19th December he had to go up the the head office, the conversation was started by him obviously on his way home saying 'i need a drink' his explanation for that was that he had eaten a sandwich in the office with them all.

im sorry if all the lying has made me suspicious but that is not a good enough excuse? He has decided he cant be with me anymore and that he wants a divorce as he is only with me for our daughter.

 

He also insists that he has never cheated on me in the entire relationship (which i don't believe for one second) i am so so tired of all of this i just don't know what to do, i am at home with our 4 month old daughter (who i feel so lucky to have after my health scares) i'm scared he will try and take her from me but if we resolve this i am petrified that he will continue to lie/cheat/deceive me??

 

Two weeks ago on Sunday he turned up post argument at midnight, steaming drunk (he stank to high heaven of booze and was being confrontational).

After fighting and me literally snapping i rang our local police switchboard and asked for some advice because my husband had driven home drunk and was being emotionally abusive, as predicted because he was no longer behind the wheel there was nothing they can do, i gave no names, no address, no registrations but i just wanted him to realize that as a father and husband he cant act this irresponsibly.

He went absolutely mad and we have fought and fought, we have been separated for almost two weeks and we barely speak, he has had very little involvement with our 4 month old baby but now is insisting on seeing her every single day and has started taking her away for an hour (i am breastfeeding), his messages are nice nice and all have kisses and i am so so confused i don't know what he is doing? is he coming back? is he preparing for a divorce? i am falling apart and just need some advice opinions either way??

[2sure]

He is a child and emotionally selfish if not bankrupt. Why on earth you would marry someone who had to be talked into it by family I can't imagine. He will come and go continually according to his whim or mood. Be done with it. He doesn't owe you anything and you don't need to put up with this.

 

You need to put legalities into place regarding visitation. Show him what real life is like. He can't come over every day. Im not even sure if a court would allow him to take a nursing infant away from you.

[Jstub]

He seems very very veryyy (I can't stress this more) unstable. He may come around, but you can be sure, he will do the same thing a few months down the line. Get out now, this is not good for you or your baby. This man will not change in the next few months... if you want to keep your options open, do so - sit him down and talk to him and tell him that you cannot stay with a person that is highly unstable, that he needs to get himself fixed. His behavior is not good for your baby as well, the court will surely see this.... as long as you collect enough evidence of his crazy unstable behavior. That's just for back up, in case he tries to take your baby away from you.

 

I am really sorry to hear you are going through this in such a vulnerable time of your life... based on what you said, it was a huge mistake to stay with this man... you were clinging to an idea.. and you made a huge mistake. You had all the signs in front of you, yet you chose to get married to him and have a baby (more missed signs on that as well). Now, it is unfortunate, but this is your reality. Stop hiding from it and leave now. You should have left a longgg time ago.

[stillafool]

He really never wanted to marry you and he is not in love with you. He is drinking to drown his emotions as he is confused and doesn't know what to do. He will want to break up again and again because he only cares about his daughter. You need to decide what you are going to do for yourself and your daughter. Perhaps file for divorce and talk to an attorney if a good start. To continue to try to make him love you is a losing battle. You deserve better, don't you?

[Mack05]

I'm sorry to say this, but this strictly comes down to you. It was very obvious from his indecisiveness from the get go that he never wanted to marry you. Any women with any decent amount of self esteem would have dumped him straight after his stag in Portugal and NEVER looked back.

 

All he has done throughout the relationship is push you away and then reel you back in. That's all your relationship will ever be as long as you stay together. The guy has little emotional maturity, clearly all over the place and seemingly little idea of what he actually wants out of life. I mean there are hundreds of red flags here.

 

You need to ask yourself the hard questions. Why did you marry him when you heard what happened in Portugal. Why did you marry him knowing he had freaked out numerous times before the wedding? Why do you not want better for yourself? Even go back further, what was behind the eating disorder?

 

He just views you as a doormat. Someone who will be there if/when needed and if he finds what he is looking for (and I highly doubt he ever will) you will be an afterthought..If he doesn't like being alone or a new relationship fails he might be back, but his head will always be turned because he is not happy. Not just with you, but within himself. To take him back will lead to further misery and unstability.

 

This as I said above comes down to you. Why on earth do you not want better for yourself and why oh why did you ever settle for this moron? The fact you still want him back says more about you, then it does about him. I feel terribly sad for your daughter caught in the middle of two dysfunctional parents. You can't fix his dysfunction, but you can fix your own....

 

If you want a happy future for you daughter u close the door on this guy, you then figure out where u went wrong and finally u work towards building a happier future. You need to leave this guy go...If you are looking to him to make you happy, you will live an empty life for many years..

Edited February 2, 2013 by Mack05

[imtooconfused]

He is a child and emotionally selfish if not bankrupt.

 

I know that you feel like you won't be able to handle raising your daughter on your own. That would be scary to me, so I am sure it's scary to you too. Your hope would be for a husband who will actively help with the day-to-day chores of raising her. Even if he was not able to provide much child care help, you would certainly want a husband to provide love and support when you are emotionally drained from caring for your daughter. Any reasonable mother would want this.

 

But from the sound of it, you have none of that. Not the supportive husband. Not the child care helper. In fact, like 2sure states, you have a second child on your hand. You have a 4 month old to care for which takes all of your time, to be sure. You don't have time to care for a 27 year old child on top of that. My feeling is that you need to focus on your daughter.

 

What a blessing she must be for you given your own medical history. Until your husband can act like a mature adult again, your daughter should be your world, your one and only. You can do it, and you can do it on your own. You have challenges now and there will be challenges in the future, but it will be so much more rewarding if you stay strong and focus on your daughter.