Still surviving and trudging through

[MsOptimist]

Thought I'd update my situation since I haven't in a few weeks. First let me say I am SO glad that the holidays are over - Christmas was rough at times! But I survived and am continuing to hop over the hurdles that come at me every so often.

 

Last I updated was that stbxh had been emailing me about a possible reconciliation. After I discussed this with my therapist (that it would take a LOT more than a few emails for me to consider that), I wrote him a response stating where I am - continuing to heal and figure out myself, and that I need to continue on this path. I mentioned that he would benefit from IC for the same reasons.

 

I received a response back, within an hour or so, that was a COMPLETE 180 from his emails wanting to rebuild our relationship and reconcile. I got more blame on me - he blamed me for him being emotionally closed off, and that "of course" the marriage can't be saved and he's ok with that. He wants me in his life "to some extent" (gee, thanks) but he won't lie that he's been seeing "a few" people recently (post-separation).

 

That email made me laugh and is proof of how all over the place he is. He even admitted that he doesn't know what he feels from one day to the next. Yikes - no thanks, and I'll gladly step off of this rollercoaster ride now!

 

We had several exchanges over Christmas and that made the holiday tough. We did meet and talk face to face after Christmas though - and after I got some things off my chest that I had been wanting to say to him, we were able to communicate better and left on amicable terms at least.

 

His major surgery is this week though, and I have a feeling he may turn up again in some form while he has lots of time on his hands to think while he recovers. I'm not going to worry about that though, it's not my issue.

 

I'm continuing to immerse myself in my likes and hobbies and getting more into my own thing of living on my own. It keeps me busy.

 

I've also done something that is usually advised against so soon after our separation and before divorce is final - paperwork has been started as of almost 2 weeks ago, he finally filed - I've been talking to and seeing someone a lot who I am very attracted to. I've even kissed him - and I loved it!

 

It's someone that I've known for several years and have always highly respected, enjoyed talking to, and always found attractive. There was never any inappropriate relationship while I was married (he was too). We began talking more as friends after I moved, and things have evolved from there a bit. I didn't even realize he was always attracted to me too until we became closer friends.

 

I'm not going to jump into a new relationship right now, but I really enjoy spending time with this person. It's showing me that I can connect with others again, and I haven't laughed and smiled this much in a long time. We're taking things very slow, but we both agree that we love spending time together and don't want to pass that up. We run together, go to yoga classes, go for coffee, lunch/dinner. He lives kind of far away so we don't see each other all the time, which I think is good because it still forces me to continue doing my own thing.

 

Whatever this thing is has been like a bright ray of sunshine during this dark and crappy divorce.

[GuyInLimbo]

Well, I'm extremely happy for you. I can only imagine how refreshing and eye-opening the new relationship is, even if it's just a short-term thing. It's part of the healing process. I'm sure you forgot how exciting certain things can be! You go, girl!

[MsOptimist]

Well, I'm extremely happy for you. I can only imagine how refreshing and eye-opening the new relationship is, even if it's just a short-term thing. It's part of the healing process. I'm sure you forgot how exciting certain things can be! You go, girl!

 

Oh my gosh - refreshing is an understatement! The way that he treats me is unbelievable, and yes, it's very eye opening to the little things that I was settling for in my marriage (or rather, NOT getting).

 

I'm really enjoying the nice/thoughtful gestures and the support we show each other - we're each training for big athletic events this year and have been motivational supports for each other.

 

I don't know where it might go, but I'm trying not to define it and also continue moving through the feelings that come along with the divorce. I have no other desire to put myself out there for the dating scene in general other than with this person. I'm still enjoying meeting new people through the new running groups and various things I'm doing, but taking that as meeting new friends and expanding my new circles.

 

I have told my therapist about this new person and was kind of expecting to get chewed out a bit, but he didn't do that. He seemed to take the attitude that you have, that he's glad that I'm finding joys in life despite what I've been going through.

[GuyInLimbo]

Good. Don't define it and set no expectations. Just enjoy it and see where it takes you. You might not last 2 months. You might last 30 years. You never know.

[Mystery2Me]

Wow, enjoy yourself! I am excited that you are enjoying positive and healthy attention.

 

I love the barriers you used to protect yourself from the STBXH and mixed messages.

 

The mixed messages are like hiding a land mine in a love bouquet of flowers, pretty to look at but absolutely deadly.

 

You're a great role model in taking the slowly-slowly approach to getting to know new people.

 

Thanks for the update....Inspiring!

[MsOptimist]

Wow, enjoy yourself! I am excited that you are enjoying positive and healthy attention.

 

I love the barriers you used to protect yourself from the STBXH and mixed messages.

 

The mixed messages are like hiding a land mine in a love bouquet of flowers, pretty to look at but absolutely deadly.

 

You're a great role model in taking the slowly-slowly approach to getting to know new people.

 

Thanks for the update....Inspiring!

 

The mixed messages are so frustrating from STBX. Hopefully I have seen the last of them now that the papers are filed - even on Christmas Eve he was "reminiscing" how we got engaged 10 years ago that night and that he had hoped to watch my favorite movie with me this year (It's a Wonderful Life). I told him that he never wanted to watch that with me in the past 10 years, so why would I think he'd want to watch it this year, of all years? That was one of the many things he'd roll his eyes at and act like it pained him.

 

Talking to this new person is making it much clearer that I can find someone who wants to give back and enjoy life. And it feels REALLY good to begin to see the light at the end of this mess. I know I still have a long way to go to get through this, but this says it's possible.

[MsOptimist]

I wish the remaining details of my marriage, the filing process, wouldn't get to me so much. I've had a crappy day related to all of that and I've had on and off bouts of crying and sadness all day. Stbxh filed the initial paperwork a couple weeks ago, which I knew about (and cried that day too).

 

He had his major surgery yesterday and although I didn't contact him at all, I emailed his mom to see if everything went well, and it did. Today was the last day I expected to hear from him about divorce paperwork, but he texted asking when I could pick up the papers that he received back from the court. We both wanted to not have to have me be officially served. We also have the court date so there's that finality.

 

I responded that I had a lot going on this weekend but I'd let him know when I could pick them up. Things just got snippy from there, I'm assuming because I didn't jump when he wanted me to jump. He said he'd pay to have me served and I asked why he couldn't wait less than a week. His impatience throughout all of this has really bothered me.

 

I still get upset thinking about the paperwork and the process and it feels like I have to continually remind myself that I'll be better off without him and how much he's treated me like crap in recent months (not to mention how much I realized I settled for in the marriage).

 

He didn't mention his surgery until things got snippy and he did apologize for a really nasty sarcastic text saying he shouldn't have sent that and he wasn't feeling well. I half wonder if his contact today was fishing for sympathy. I would have been happy to say that I'm glad his surgery went well, but he dove right in with divorce business.

 

I don't want to be so emotionally affected by the next steps to the finalization!

[Mystery2Me]

Hello Ms. O! So very sorry you are having dark days, as you continue to work through this awful business.

 

Last weekend I was feeling down, overwhelmed with the realization that no one loves me as a woman....tears streaming down.

 

From your post it is clear that you're exhausted, and why wouldn't you be. Also his insensitivity to recognize just how difficult the divorce process is for you certaintly does not help.

 

Just know that you are doing an amazing job with moving on, and continue to vent the pain as needed.

 

What is that saying?!?!...It's always darkest before the dawn. Watch out here comes the sunshine!!!

 

Take care and be very kind of yourself!

[MsOptimist]

Thanks for the kind words, Mystery. I know in my head that this is just another step to move through, and that the low days are normal, but they still hurt. And our legal process is the simplest, I know it could be a lot worse if we were fighting over anything or had kids.

 

I'm still mourning the idea of the marriage I wanted and thought I had, and mourning the realization that it wasn't what I thought it was. I'm not pining over the loss of stbxh - he's proven to be a piece of you know what and I don't want that any longer.

 

I do look forward to some sunshine

[MsOptimist]

Thanks, BB. Yes, making it through the holidays was a good thing. I'm sure next year's holidays will be much better since the legal process will be done and over and I'll have made new memories and friendships in the coming months.

 

I'm definitely not putting names or expectations on this thing with my friend, just enjoying the time that we spend together. Yesterday when I was very down about the paperwork I didn't contact him at all because I didn't want to reach for him to be a temporary bandaid from the pain, I know that these feelings are ones that I have to move through on my own.

 

Ironically, we were supposed to run together yesterday but that didn't work out. I still ran on my own and tried to work through my sadness and emotions on the run - it ended up being a pretty long run, too! I will see him again in a couple days for a yoga session that we have planned, and I'll simply look forward to that

 

Today was much better overall. I had a nice brunch with a couple friends and just got out of my place for most of the day. Tomorrow I am going to pick up the divorce papers and I am going to try my hardest to check my emotions at the door.

[shalisha42]

Thought I'd update my situation since I haven't in a few weeks. First let me say I am SO glad that the holidays are over - Christmas was rough at times! But I survived and am continuing to hop over the hurdles that come at me every so often.

 

Last I updated was that stbxh had been emailing me about a possible reconciliation. After I discussed this with my therapist (that it would take a LOT more than a few emails for me to consider that), I wrote him a response stating where I am - continuing to heal and figure out myself, and that I need to continue on this path. I mentioned that he would benefit from IC for the same reasons.

 

I received a response back, within an hour or so, that was a COMPLETE 180 from his emails wanting to rebuild our relationship and reconcile. I got more blame on me - he blamed me for him being emotionally closed off, and that "of course" the marriage can't be saved and he's ok with that. He wants me in his life "to some extent" (gee, thanks) but he won't lie that he's been seeing "a few" people recently (post-separation).

 

That email made me laugh and is proof of how all over the place he is. He even admitted that he doesn't know what he feels from one day to the next. Yikes - no thanks, and I'll gladly step off of this rollercoaster ride now!

 

We had several exchanges over Christmas and that made the holiday tough. We did meet and talk face to face after Christmas though - and after I got some things off my chest that I had been wanting to say to him, we were able to communicate better and left on amicable terms at least.

 

His major surgery is this week though, and I have a feeling he may turn up again in some form while he has lots of time on his hands to think while he recovers. I'm not going to worry about that though, it's not my issue.

 

I'm continuing to immerse myself in my likes and hobbies and getting more into my own thing of living on my own. It keeps me busy.

 

I've also done something that is usually advised against so soon after our separation and before divorce is final - paperwork has been started as of almost 2 weeks ago, he finally filed - I've been talking to and seeing someone a lot who I am very attracted to. I've even kissed him - and I loved it!

 

It's someone that I've known for several years and have always highly respected, enjoyed talking to, and always found attractive. There was never any inappropriate relationship while I was married (he was too). We began talking more as friends after I moved, and things have evolved from there a bit. I didn't even realize he was always attracted to me too until we became closer friends.

 

I'm not going to jump into a new relationship right now, but I really enjoy spending time with this person. It's showing me that I can connect with others again, and I haven't laughed and smiled this much in a long time. We're taking things very slow, but we both agree that we love spending time together and don't want to pass that up. We run together, go to yoga classes, go for coffee, lunch/dinner. He lives kind of far away so we don't see each other all the time, which I think is good because it still forces me to continue doing my own thing.

 

Whatever this thing is has been like a bright ray of sunshine during this dark and crappy divorce.

 

I think it's great to see someone you're attracted to that makes you feel like a woman again. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It's a confidence booster. Nothing wrong with attention from the opposite sex!

[revitup]

Sounds familiar,mixed messages,little hints to poke a fork in you to see if "you're done".I have seen them all and they are almost always followed by a cold harsh comment or action.

 

They try to keep us interested and then send the one word text messages and such.Or even the one letter texts...K?I hate that mess.

 

Anyway,you seem strong and congrats on the attention of another.It feels good to see some interest from the opposite sex after being hurt.I would say be careful though,I am very cautious about the opposite sex these days.I want to be with someone but I am taking mine slow (5 months) also I have other issues to deal with and a DD14 that needs every minute of my time.This actually is great for me as I tend to pick the wrong one.

 

Well that being said,you know they say the best way to get over a man is to get under another one!I really don't know myself,but that's what they say?

 

I'm just funnin' w/ u!lol

 

Have a great day

 

REVITUP

[MsOptimist]

Thanks, shalisha and revitup. It does feel great to have attention from a guy after all the heartbreak I went through with stbxh. I am trying to be careful in a lot of aspects since I do not want to jump into another relationship right away. I'm just trying to have fun with someone that I enjoy spending time with. Other than that I'm not into the dating scene at all, and have no desire to be.

 

I'm sure I'll be seeing and hearing more mixed messages from stbxh tomorrow, but I'm prepared for that. We've been going back and forth about getting me the divorce papers without having to be served. We finally decided that he will bring them to me tomorrow. I suggested even grabbing something to eat, but he'd like to come over to see the animals, and honestly that is fine with me because he hasn't seen them for more than 5 minutes since I moved. I know he misses them and I've seen the animals that he still has.

 

The last talk we had in person ended well so hopefully it also will tomorrow. I'm feeling more confident that this will be on my turf. We have not talked in person on my turf at all. I know I'll be less emotional since my dog won't be there - every time I see my dog I cry because I miss her so much.

 

So we'll see. I'm prepared and ready for the divorce papers, and as mentally prepared as I can be to talk with stbxh. I honestly think he's trying to be friendly and my plan is to simply be cordial and friendly with him.

[Caldespair]

Msoptimist

I saw my stbxw today. It's rare and I see her only when I have too. We do share the animals on weekends, I miss them and can't have full time do work and no yard for them to run around in. I'm actually a bit scared of my stbxw. I just don't like to be around her. I've never been so wounded by another person in my life and when I see her it's very painful. With the two kids, I better get used to it.

Today I had to go by house to get some things , I gave her a heads up via text, rang door bell and when I go in, I'm very cautious. I was there maybe 4 mins total and she made a snide remark. When I was at hotel over holidays, I had my daughter run in the house to get some nice clothes for me out of my closet. It was new years eve day. She has since taken that as I went out with other women and I'm catting around. I just wanted to not sit at home on new years eve, went out with friends to hear music. Innocent, but she brought that up in my 4 min visit today. Then I had to say a comeback about what people are thinking about her (most friends family, even her mom and dad like me, want her to make it work). I mentioned that most are very sympathetic to my circumstance, can't believe she's pulling the plug. So even though we will be d, I wish I just was quiet and smiled. I got carried away, had lousy sleep nigh b4, again, and regret my own snippy comments.

[TaraMaiden]

Never ever allow emotional reasoning to invade times when you should be functioning with pure logic and a 'business-like' mind.

 

MsOptimist, ignore all and any emotionally-founded' emails. This is just yanking your chain, and pulling on your heart-strings.

 

It's over.

It's too late for that.

It's all completely irrelevant and residual dross you have no obligation to engage with.

The only thing you now need to discuss with your ex-husband, is anything relating to the final technicalities of completing the divorce process.

And you do this using your head, not your heart.

He has no right to your emotional contribution any more.

it's finished, and that side of you is no longer open to him.

 

Anything in legal negotiation - engage with.

Anything to do with nostalgia, reminiscing, harking back.... just cast aside as so much 'waste of time, breath and energy'.

 

 

Caldespair, do not rise to the bait, respond to, or give head-room to.

It's futile.

if she wants to 'bitch' let her.

YOU know the facts.

Pretty soon, she'll run out of wind, and there's no point fuelling the fire, so let it go over your head.

[MsOptimist]

I'm sorry you're having difficulties dealing with your stbxw, Caldespair. I'm lucky in that I don't tend to get snarky/snippy comments in person (in the very little time I've spent with my stbxh in person in recent months). Most of the time I'm pretty good with not engaging in snippy stuff via email/text, but I have slipped up recently and regretted it.

 

I did well when we talked in person last time - he asked how the divorce papers (the initial filing) made me feel and I squashed it with, "it doesn't matter at this point, it's for the best." He tried to engage me in rehashing stuff, and that's when I turned the tables on him and brought up the things he didn't know that I knew about - that left him stunned and speechless and he didn't press anything any further.

 

Tonight I will try not to engage him in any rehashing, or respond to his if he brings it up. I plan to keep it light and moving forward.

 

I think it's strange that my stbxh says I can come by the house any time - for the animals or whatever. He hasn't changed the locks or asked to have my keys back. I'm NOT just going to drop in, and I ring the doorbell if I have to stop by when he's there, but I still think it's odd. He's fine with me there when he's there or not (again, not that I plan to hang around either way, but I have had to pick things up when he's not there).

 

Strangely I'm not too affected by being in my old house - I don't want to spend time there, but it doesn't feel like home to me anymore. Sometimes I get a little sad thinking about things like my garden (that's now destroyed from lack of attention), but overall I don't have a problem physically being in there.

[Mystery2Me]

Hi Ms. O!

 

Sending positive thoughts for your meeting today. I very much hope you gain the resolutions you need.

 

You are incredibly strong and have worked hard to move forward allowing new happiness to enter your life. You should be super proud of yourself for creating an amazing life.

 

Tomorrow I am meeting with my lawyer to take care of next steps, the legal aspects should be straight forward from this point as STBXH has waived being served.

For now I have no desire to see the STBXH, because the risk of his hurting me (even if he behaves nice or caring) is too high and I can not jeopardize the progress I've made.

 

With the love and support of team-Mystery, I am working on what a final meeting would look like to benefit me.

 

Have you planned something nice for yourself after the meeting? I have dinner with friends after my meeting, so I can end the day on a positive note in this new life.

 

Take care and be very kind to yourself.

[MsOptimist]

I hope your lawyer meeting goes well tomorrow, Mystery. The remainder of my legal aspects should be very straighforward too, so I guess that's good.

 

I just had lunch with some friends, we went out for sushi, so that's the highlight of my day. I didn't make plans for after the meeting with stbxh because I don't know how long he might stay (and I don't normally stay up late anyways).

 

Although, now that I think about it, I will go to the grocery store afterwards - my best friend is coming into town this weekend to stay with me, she gets in tomorrow. I want to get a few fancy snacks for us (when we're not going out for fancy dinners) , so that will be a nice thing to do after the meeting. I'm looking forward to a fun weekend with her.

[shalisha42]

Thanks, shalisha and revitup. It does feel great to have attention from a guy after all the heartbreak I went through with stbxh. I am trying to be careful in a lot of aspects since I do not want to jump into another relationship right away. I'm just trying to have fun with someone that I enjoy spending time with. Other than that I'm not into the dating scene at all, and have no desire to be.

 

I'm sure I'll be seeing and hearing more mixed messages from stbxh tomorrow, but I'm prepared for that. We've been going back and forth about getting me the divorce papers without having to be served. We finally decided that he will bring them to me tomorrow. I suggested even grabbing something to eat, but he'd like to come over to see the animals, and honestly that is fine with me because he hasn't seen them for more than 5 minutes since I moved. I know he misses them and I've seen the animals that he still has.

 

The last talk we had in person ended well so hopefully it also will tomorrow. I'm feeling more confident that this will be on my turf. We have not talked in person on my turf at all. I know I'll be less emotional since my dog won't be there - every time I see my dog I cry because I miss her so much.

 

So we'll see. I'm prepared and ready for the divorce papers, and as mentally prepared as I can be to talk with stbxh. I honestly think he's trying to be friendly and my plan is to simply be cordial and friendly with him.

 

You're very welcome. May I ask your age and your husband's age if that's appropriate? I've been reading lots of posts in this section on divorce and I'm trying to get a feel for the age range of women who are posting here. I'm 47 and never been married and I'm wondering if when my guy pops the question, what are the chances of divorce... kind of scary.

 

I think I'll post a thread asking that question:)

[MsOptimist]

Hi Shalisha, I am 32 and my stbxh is 34. We have been married 9 years.

 

The meeting with stbxh is over and it only lasted about 30 minutes - but man, it was still difficult for me. I did not cry, although I almost did a couple times, but I was able to control myself. I'm a very emotional/sentimental person so when it's something this heavy it's hard for me to hold back tears.

 

It still amazes me how difficult these last formalities are for me. Even though this divorce needs to happen, and I do not want my husband back, it's still really hard.

 

I was not very open/talkative with him, I had my guard up. He was trying to make all kinds of small talk and ask how everything is (the animals, my new place, etc.) and it took me awhile to feel comfortable talking much - I'm usually very smiley and upbeat when talking to my friends, even about the divorce. I have no idea how people are able to pull off the 180 behavior. When I'm around stbxh I tend to freeze up and put my walls up - pretty sure that's a defense mechanism to protect myself from further hurt.

 

All that's left to do is file my response and we have the court date in March for the final judgment.

 

After he left I sat and reflected on all of this for a bit, and my cat purred on my lap to try and cheer me up. I cried a little, and as with everything else, once I toss all of this around in my head it becomes more "ok."

 

Pulled myself together and got a bunch of tasty things to eat for my best friend's visit this weekend, I pick her up at the train station tomorrow. Also got a bunch of funny texts from my new man friend and that had me laughing out loud and put the smile back on my face.

[revitup]

Man friend? I like the word!

 

I like your attitude too.Keep strong and smile like you know a secret nobody else does!!!!

 

REVITUP

[MsOptimist]

Man friend? I like the word!

 

I like your attitude too.Keep strong and smile like you know a secret nobody else does!!!!

 

REVITUP

 

I don't know what else to call him He is a secret that very few people know about! Many people know that I hang out with him, but most don't know that we are pretty infatuated with each other.

[Mystery2Me]

Hi Ms. O! Great job with your meeting, top marks across the board. Like you even thought I know divorce is the way forward, facing up and actually executing the steps is just plain hard.

 

Enjoyed a well deserved peaceful and fun weekend.

[worldgonewrong]

MsOptimist- I wish I had your clarity of mind when I began my own journey. You are awesome. Keep moving forward! You're doing great!!

[MsOptimist]

MsOptimist- I wish I had your clarity of mind when I began my own journey. You are awesome. Keep moving forward! You're doing great!!

 

Thank you - I was thinking the same to you, being awesome and moving forward, when I read your update today. Congrats on your D being finalized!

 

I still have my dark moments where the sadness creeps in and I find myself tearing up, but I remind myself that that's normal and ok. I sulked a bit too much last weekend and was feeling down, but this week I'm picking myself back up again.

 

It's nice to still be getting reminders from my stbxh's side of the family that they care about me. One of the cousins is getting married in a few months, and I have known her and her fiance for about 10 years. I was not expecting an invitation to the wedding, but last week I got one in the mail - it was even addressed to me "and guest."

 

I was flattered to simply get an invitation. I will send something (was planning to do so regardless) and decline attending - going would be hard enough seeing the extended family on his side that I do miss (I would cry, I'm certain), and I certainly wouldn't be bringing a guest (that seems disrespectful even thought the D will be finalized by that time). I'm sure stbxh's invitation also has "and guest" on it and I DEFINITELY would not want to see him there with someone else - that would be progress-ruining stuff right there! And I just wouldn't want things to be weird for anyone since the day isn't about me and stbxh; I haven't seen his extended family since before the divorce stuff started.

 

I sent the cousin an email thanking her for the invite and she says she completely understands whatever decision I choose, and that she just thinks I'm great and would love for me to share the day with them. I have some amazing inlaws.

 

Things with the man friend have cooled off a little since he's a CPA and tax season is in full swing. LOL. That's ok though, we're still great friends and talk often but lately things are too busy to get together as often. I don't need to be jumping into anything right now anyways. As I told a friend of mine the other day - we'll see what happens after tax season

 

Even if nothing happens after tax season, I am ok with that too. Right now the focus is on me.