skinut2234 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 after 16 years of marriage- I can't take anymore. Tried couseling, talking to her and things get worse- I even went to counseling on my own- My therapist basically said- If you want her to change behavior- you need the "threaten" to leave at least- She completely let herself go- does not care about her appearance- gained about 100 pounds - never cleans up after herself. It's to the point even that my 3 daughters now fight with her about these things..... I know I am not perfect and have to change as well - but at this point she needs a "wake up" call. I'm done. I don't have an issue walking out on her temporarily- my issue is- how do I get the message across to her without seeming like I'm abandoning the kids? I have 3 daughters- 15, 14 and 12. My 12 year old comes to me all the time to complain about her mother. (again I'm not perfect) so before everyone gangs up on me and says I need to "chat" with her etc- etc- I did all that. I sat her down several times and in a very sensitive way brought it up- that is what prompted my therapist to tell me to leave for a few days and let it sink in. Issue is- Do I tell my 3 kids before what my intentions are? and that I am not leaving them???
Leegh Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Why don't you tell your kids that you are going on a vacation, as that sounds a little less serious then what you mentioned above. It sounds as if you may want to pull the plug on the relationship at some point, possibly once the kids get older, if things don't improve.
M30USA Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Why don't you tell your kids that you are going on a vacation, as that sounds a little less serious then what you mentioned above. It sounds as if you may want to pull the plug on the relationship at some point, possibly once the kids get older, if things don't improve. If you leave, it could be used against you in court. They might spin it around and say you abandoned your family. 2
trippi1432 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Hmm, which did your therapist tell you to do? "Threaten" to leave or tell you to leave for a few days? Keep in mind, once you leave, she doesn't have to take you back either. Proceed at your own risk, but make sure you are doing the right thing because you are truly concerned about her health. If you are fed up and frustrated and ready to leave her becaue you don't love her anymore, then by all means understand that the consequences are she might not let you come back while she changes her life for the better.
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 You can start divorce proceedings, but don't leave. 1
Author skinut2234 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 the "leaving" thing was a suggestion from my therapist (she knows my wife)- Her thought was that I need to do something and she (my wife) thinks I will never go anywhere. The therapist thought was that "people don't change until the threat is real"- I'm willing to give her this chance to change before doing anything like starting a divorce proceedings.... I fear I cannot recover from that with respect to my kids- Maybe with getting out for a few days- It will cause her to think a little about how things would be- (without me coming across as a bad person in my kids eyes) I realize it's a bad situation no matter how you slice it.........
trippi1432 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Well, given that the therapist knows her too, I guess it's not that cruel to totally crush her like that given she sounds like a depressed individual by your description. My exH left about 3 years ago and pulled this "let myself go" talk on me too although I always kept myself up, wore makeup everyday, got my hair done and dressed nice. What I was depressed about was his constant belittling of me, screaming and yelling and the fact I could do nothing in 15 years to make him happy. The day he left telling me I "let myself go" was like a get out of jail free card. I lost weight and can honestly say I am happier with myself without him once I got over the crushing ego blow. There's a really nice lady here at my work, she is probably around 250 or more pounds....she keeps herself up and is pretty and has the hottest drop dead skinny husband I think I've ever seen. He's her second husband, the first one cheated on her because of her weight. So, like I said....consequences. Everybody likes to roll the dice, just make sure you aren't taking a gamble and risking it all. And while you're at it, make sure the kids aren't being little echoes of your frustration.
GuyInLimbo Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Wait, so is the main issue is that she got fat and she's messy? 1
trippi1432 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I guess I should have added too that this poor guy needs another therapist....wow!
ocgal Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Have you considered taking the kids with you? Or would they like to go with you given they have a problem with the same thing? I'm just thinking out loud. 2
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Leaving your wife with your kids when she's unable to provide basic needs for herself is not a good idea. Maybe you taking the kids somewhere for a long weekend without her so she can be alone and figure things out might be a first step. Let her know this too. Just a suggestion. Your therapist (is she a marriage counselor too?) may be giving some bad advice.. Your wife is depressed. She must seek counseling too otherwise things are going to get worse.
Author skinut2234 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 Guy- That is part of it- not the only reason- Yes, she does not care about herself and yes that affects me. I have no attraction whatsoever for her- (you can call me shallow all day- but that is the fact)- and it's not just a weight thing- it's making yourself presentable on a daily basis- My wife teaches in the same school as where one of my daughters attends, and my daughters barely acknowledges her during the day. And yes lazy as well- my kids even ask (or say) around the house- if they want to get somewhere on time- they know to go to dad- I've spoken to her many times - I've been gentle, sensitve etc... I know I have flaws too and this is not all me -but when things like this affect young girls getting older- their mom is the female role model in the house- even if she (wife) hates me- she needs to behave/act a certain way for her 3 daughters and frankly this behavior is not cutting it.
trippi1432 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Then why don't you look at other alternatives? Does she have female friends who can take her on a shopping trip? Maybe take her on a makeover shopping trip? You just talking to her is like "complaining" to her maybe, but it sounds like she has low self-esteem or is depressed. I don't agree with what your therapist is telling YOU to do. The therapist is listening to YOUR frustration and telling you to leave so you can get away from it for a few days hoping that your wife flips out. I just don't think that a qualified therapist would say that. Typically if there were abuse, yes, but unless the frustration were impeding your own success at counseling, I just can't see one telling you to leave your wife to shock her into compliance. Here, on LS, yes...friends, sure, another woman with bad intentions, absolutely....but a therapist that also knows your wife? 1
GuyInLimbo Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Skinut, I get it. Attraction is a big part of loving someone. You lose that, it can be difficult to ever get back. The wannabe therapist in me says it's a self-esteem issue that she needs help with. But SHE needs to get the help and has to work on herself. No one can fix someone else's esteem issues. The husband side of me says otherwise, in the sense that people don't change. My wife has always been fashion-challenged, to say the least. She has other women take her shopping, etc., but there has to be a WANT, a true WANT by the women to want to look and feel good. I have given up on that. My wife talks the talk, but never walks the walk. Hell, she immediately throws away every single fashion catalog that comes to our house (including making sure I know the Victoria's Secret catalog is in the trash, which I feel is spiteful, to say the least). So, I understand where you are coming from.
Snowflower Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Guy- That is part of it- not the only reason- Yes, she does not care about herself and yes that affects me. I have no attraction whatsoever for her- (you can call me shallow all day- but that is the fact)- and it's not just a weight thing- it's making yourself presentable on a daily basis- My wife teaches in the same school as where one of my daughters attends, and my daughters barely acknowledges her during the day. And yes lazy as well- my kids even ask (or say) around the house- if they want to get somewhere on time- they know to go to dad- I've spoken to her many times - I've been gentle, sensitve etc... I know I have flaws too and this is not all me -but when things like this affect young girls getting older- their mom is the female role model in the house- even if she (wife) hates me- she needs to behave/act a certain way for her 3 daughters and frankly this behavior is not cutting it. She teaches in the same school as your daughters and they ignore her? Yep, that sounds perfectly normal! They are teenage girls and they want their space from their parents. Your girls are in the unique situation of having their mom in what is normally their world--their school! It is a blessing and a curse. Of course they are going to be embarrassed by her! They are teenage girls and everything their parents, and especially their mom does, is embarrassing to them! I think the bolded part is kind of rude. She is being a good role model! She is a teacher in their school! She is modeling a career choice for them, one that takes a college education and is a hard but rewarding career choice. She is teaching your daughters that looks don't matter as much as what you do with your life. If she needs some assistance in the makeover department or organizing the home, why don't you and your daughters help her instead of pick on her? 1
standtall Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Tell her the things that need to be done otherwise you will file for divorce...and then do it. No more talking, no more warnings. Action not talk. Also, the other posters are right..do not leave the home. It will be used against you as abandonment in any child custody related issues.
newme9 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 the "leaving" thing was a suggestion from my therapist (she knows my wife)- Her thought was that I need to do something and she (my wife) thinks I will never go anywhere. The therapist thought was that "people don't change until the threat is real"- I'm willing to give her this chance to change before doing anything like starting a divorce proceedings.... I fear I cannot recover from that with respect to my kids- Maybe with getting out for a few days- It will cause her to think a little about how things would be- (without me coming across as a bad person in my kids eyes) I realize it's a bad situation no matter how you slice it......... i cant believe your therapist said to threaten to leave her. i think you need a new therapist quickly. do more research and find a better one. Your wife might be depressed? and if so you need to help her find a good therapist. and if youre biggest complaint is that she let herself go, then you need different kind of therapy. 1
2sunny Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Have you considered taking the kids with you? Or would they like to go with you given they have a problem with the same thing? I'm just thinking out loud. Since her behavior affects your kids negatively too - if you have a plan to leave - and since they mainly depend on you to provide them peace of mind - do not leave them behind. Take them with you if you must go. Ideally, you should simply request her to be the one to go if anyone is going to be leaving.
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