Good Parent, Bad Parent = Divorce!

[CatalinaSailor]

I have been married 26 years and filed for divorce today from my wife. While married I never hit my wife or abused my four children. I have been a good provider and a LOYAL husband even when my wife had an affair 15 years ago. The reason for the divorce seems complicated but it really isn't. I hope the young couples with children read this, it could save your marriage.

 

My ex-wife grew up in a very dysfunctional home as an only child. As a result she craved family so we had four children. Throughout our marriage I discovered she undermined my discipline with the kids. Nothing serious, the normal restrictions, chores, etc. Since I traveled a great deal I did not notice right away she would often do their chores for them or "veto" what dad said because she thought it was too harsh or unreasonable. It was too late when I addressed it with her. For years this behavior made me the "bad guy" while she was the good guy in the eyes of the kids.

 

Recently, my two middle children got married two weeks apart. My third is a girl who is very beautiful and very self centered. I was expected to pay for the wedding but when I questioned the cost of anything I had no voice in the matter. It eventually got strained and she told me she didn’t want me to walk her down the aisle. Of all my kids I thought I was closest to her. Being hurt I didn’t even go to the wedding. My wife used the opportunity to again make me the bad guy and sympathized with her openly. Later, because of this, my son said he didn't want me to attend his rehearsal dinner which I was still expected to pay for.

 

Here is the rest of the story. My ex wife was indicted and convicted on federal charges three years ago after a two year FBI investigation for mortgage fraud. I don’t now nor did I ever believe she was guilty of anything but as an appraiser she was involved in the transaction. She is now serving a three year probation with a ten month house arrest. I stood by her through everything including leaving the state, my job and my wealth to lawyers. When I needed her to stand with me the most she turned her back on me.

 

I am now estranged to two of my kids, have lost everything and in a divorce after 26 years.

 

Parents should stand together on everything. If there is disagreement it should be discussed away from the kids and figured out. There is no erasing the influence of one parent against the other after a child's lifetime. I am sick to my stomach but I can’t forgive her. What ever happened to loyalty?

.

[M30USA]

I have been married 26 years and filed for divorce today from my wife. While married I never hit my wife or abused my four children. I have been a good provider and a LOYAL husband even when my wife had an affair 15 years ago. The reason for the divorce seems complicated but it really isn't. I hope the young couples with children read this, it could save your marriage.

 

My ex-wife grew up in a very dysfunctional home as an only child. As a result she craved family so we had four children. Throughout our marriage I discovered she undermined my discipline with the kids. Nothing serious, the normal restrictions, chores, etc. Since I traveled a great deal I did not notice right away she would often do their chores for them or "veto" what dad said because she thought it was too harsh or unreasonable. It was too late when I addressed it with her. For years this behavior made me the "bad guy" while she was the good guy in the eyes of the kids.

 

Recently, my two middle children got married two weeks apart. My third is a girl who is very beautiful and very self centered. I was expected to pay for the wedding but when I questioned the cost of anything I had no voice in the matter. It eventually got strained and she told me she didn’t want me to walk her down the aisle. Of all my kids I thought I was closest to her. Being hurt I didn’t even go to the wedding. My wife used the opportunity to again make me the bad guy and sympathized with her openly. Later, because of this, my son said he didn't want me to attend his rehearsal dinner which I was still expected to pay for.

 

Here is the rest of the story. My ex wife was indicted and convicted on federal charges three years ago after a two year FBI investigation for mortgage fraud. I don’t now nor did I ever believe she was guilty of anything but as an appraiser she was involved in the transaction. She is now serving a three year probation with a ten month house arrest. I stood by her through everything including leaving the state, my job and my wealth to lawyers. When I needed her to stand with me the most she turned her back on me.

 

I am now estranged to two of my kids, have lost everything and in a divorce after 26 years.

 

Parents should stand together on everything. If there is disagreement it should be discussed away from the kids and figured out. There is no erasing the influence of one parent against the other after a child's lifetime. I am sick to my stomach but I can’t forgive her. What ever happened to loyalty?

.

 

I can relate. My wife (soon to be ex) would routinely "undermine" my discipline of the kids. It's funny you used that word--I used that very word when I told my wife what she was doing. She grew up in a family where she got what she wanted; and if she didn't get what she wanted she threw a major fit and got it in the end. I don't play that way. My kids will grow up disciplined and accountable. Like your wife, my wife thinks that I'm just a harsh, grumpy dad. But I know better. Get this...even her mother testified against me in the court hearing that I'm abusive to the kids. She said that I take the kids into the bathroom and "all I hear is screaming". Yeah, lady, do you not understand that kids scream even when they're in time out and you don't even spank them? What a fraud her mother is. I can't even look her in the eye anymore. She was the queen of her family and basically turned her daughter into a bullying monster. I'm not going to allow her (and her daughter) to ruin my kids. I am currently one week away from divorce. This was a major reason for the divorce. I've realized that I have more influence on my kids in merely HALF the time than I did while I lived with my wife the WHOLE time. This was an eye opener.

[CarrieT]

I am in a new (one year) relationship with a divorced father of three and apparently their marriage ended for similar grounds; she undermined everything he did and would pit the children against him.

 

Now, seeing these kids and interacting with them, I can see how the ex-wife does it - although we are hoping that they will grow to the point to see how the woman does it.

 

One of the boys is a special needs child on a slew of medications which has caused his weight to balloon. The father, in an attempt to appease the kids, would stock the kitchen with junk food and in the course of the scenario, via the ex-wife, the two other kids started blaming the father for the third child's weight gain. Having gone to cooking school, I was appalled at the junk food and have started to make better food options for them and we even agreed to throw out the junk food.

 

Now, several months later, the kids are starting to see that it is not just the Dad's fault on this issue as the weight issue still exists despite much healthier eating - AND they have seen the Mother give the kid McDonald's (which Dad does not allow).

 

I am terribly sorry you have had this experience with your own children. Is there any reasoning with them or hope they will mature enough to see their mother's manipulation? She might have had her claws in them too deeply to rectify the damage, but I wouldn't shut down communication with them - at some point in their lives, they may see what really transpired and I hope, for your sake, that they do!

[Radu]

Thanks for writing the OP, it would be great if couples were forced to read stuff like this as a pre-requisite for a marriage license.

[CatalinaSailor]

Thanks for the kind comments. There is always hope, I think, for establishing communication at some point with my children and I hope that can happen here. Perhaps it will take children of their own before the light comes on or maybe after I am out of their lives long enough they will begin to consider the fact that there was nothing to be so angry about. And, Radu, you are right about premarital classes covering issues like this. But I wonder, if I was able to identify it and communicate it to my wife who did nothing to stop it, would a premarital class have had any effect on her at all? I guess we'll never know now.

 

CS

[Greznog]

OP I hate to break it to you but loyalty is a personality trait found exclusively in the male gender, sorry it took you this long to find out the hard way.

[CatalinaSailor]

Greznog - I am learning a great deal.

 

Since my last post, my soon to be ex has hacked my email, tried to hack into my bank account (I was notified by the bank who gave me the IP address of the hacker and offered to initiate an investigation), and stole my mail and took a check I was expecting. When I asked her about the bank account she lied until I told her I was going to sign a complaint form at the bank fraud dept. Through all of this she actually feels like she has done nothing wrong since my email was open on my computer, and because she didn't succeed in getting into my account. Also, since her bank wouldn't cash my check she feels she did nothing wrong because it was never cashed. HMMMMM.... REALLY?????

 

I really can't wait to get out!