My story...

[GuyInLimbo]

I guess it's my turn to throw out my story. Bear with me, since I'm sure it will be long.

 

Been married for almost 9 years, together for almost 11 years total. We both turn 40 later this year. We have two young children under 7. We knew each other back in high school, but nothing more than casual friends and there was NO attraction there. Ever. Fast forward a few years and we bump into each other and we go out on a casual "date." Mind you, when we met, I had essentially given up on women after a nightmare 2 1/2 year relationship with someone who had Borderline Personality Disorder (look it up if you don't know what it is) and a 5-month stint of dating that left my spirits in the dumps.

 

Relationship progressed slowly. She was a virgin. We didn't even have sex for the first 8 or 9 months. Her sexual hangups have always been an issue one way or another, even though she's very slowly gotten more comfortable with things. (she even threw out the nice panties I got for her a few months in to replace the granny panties and sexy thing up a bit....even today, it's as common as an eclipse for her to wear anything remotely sexy, but I digress). Basically, that animal attraction MOST people have early on in a relationship was NEVER there. I was generally unhappy, but stuck it out for whatever reasons.

 

I expressed my iffy feelings to my dad one day and he said she was a good girl and I should "stick it out," in so many words. A month before I got engaged, my best friend sat me down, and said "What are you doing? What is your plan?" And I fudged through, saying "Well, you know, it's time. We've been together a year and a half, we're not getting any younger, etc." Deep down, I knew better. I just never had the confidence or strength to do what was best for me.

 

We've never really had much in common at all. She grew up playing sports and has NO hobbies, even though I've tried constantly to get her to pursue SOMETHING that fulfills her. No luck in 10+ years. I don't like being the center of someone's universe. I go to concerts by myself, or with a friend occasionally. I'm very much into triathlons, since it's helping me stay/get into good shape. That has repeatedly become an issue because of my working out, etc. She eventually admitted she was jealous b/c SHE used to be the athlete and now she's not. I always told her I'd support her doing something, but she does nothing. She's always had self-esteem issues, which has affected us in many ways. Throughout, she's gone into my email, Facebook (which I finally shut down because of the hassles it created), and my text messages. She's never been very affectionate, which I've told her was a problem the past few years. She'll try for a few weeks and then things return to normal. It's nice to feel wanted by your partner and I've NEVER had that with her (and my lack of feelings towards her has resulted in probably the same treatment from me).

 

Communication on my behalf has always been a struggle for me. I've been in and out of IC for years due to that and mild depression. So, I'm not an innocent party. The thing is, there are certain people in this world I have no issues with communication. With her, it's always been an issue for various reasons. (One reason being to avoid conflict at all costs.)

 

My wife is also *very* uptight about pretty much everything in life and isn't much fun to be around. Our circle of friends is VERY small. We sometimes joke about it, but it saddens me b/c that was never an issue for me in the past. I even have tons of memories of all the fun times my family has had while growing up with all my parents friends and their kids. After a heart-to-heart with my brother -in-law (my sister's husband) last year, he revealed that the reason he and my sister rarely do anything with us is because my wife is such a bore and no fun to be around. And, trust me, my sister and BIL have a LOT of fun friends. And we are rarely invited over other people's houses more than once. I think people sense the unease and tension we have.

 

Anyway, when I last went into IC for a few months about 2 yrs ago, I had become fairly close friends with a woman at work. It turns out she was married to a male clone of my wife. It was scary. We had a LOT to talk about, went out to lunch a bunch of times and really enjoyed each others company. I started developing feelings for her, but it was pretty clear I was "just a good friend." We never broached the subject of ever having a relationship at all, but she reached out to me a few times just to tell me that. That sparked a very dark summer for me, as I started to come to terms with a lot of things. Hence, the return to IC. Through the counseling, I realized the reason I married essentially the wrong person is that I had completely given up on finding happiness. So I settled (and, to be fair, I think my wife did, too - she barely dated ever and her experience with relationships was, and still is to a degree, at a very naive level. And her parents seemingly cold relationship has never helped, but that's another post entirely). I was not in love with her and never was.

 

That was sort of a major thing to come to terms with - after so many years *and* having a couple of kids, who I love more than anything. And part of my depression was my mourning the loss of actually having strong feelings for someone who I wasn't going to be with. Initially, my decisions was I HAD to stick it out for the kids because I couldn't bear the thought of breaking up the family and not being around them as much. You know, immediately thinking my kids would become strippers, drug addicts, etc. I was determined to find some way to make it work. And my therapist was supportive of my decision.

 

Meanwhile, we trudged on with life. Sex still VERY infrequent, sometimes 1-2x/month. Rarely see eye-to-eye on things. No affection. Occasional blow-ups, etc.

 

Two years on, however, I'm probably more miserable than ever...and I think my wife is, too. Two "final straw" moments this past year stick out. One, we went to the Caribbean for our anniversary for a week. And the entire time, I wished I was there with someone else other than her. Not anyone in particular, just someone I actually had things to talk about with and enjoyed being around. I also went away with a friend a few weeks ago to go hiking. I called her and the kids every night, although one night I was unable to reach them and couldn't call back. That set off a barrage of things from her because I didn't say I loved her in my voicemail, etc etc. The arguing continued when I got home and I really started to lose it. She finally looked at me and said "Neither one of us is getting what we need, are we?" I said no.

 

I've spent a ton of time doing my own research on divorce the past few months. I think I'm on a path I was afraid was inevitable (call me an *******, but I did jump into counseling for years to deal with my issues). I've come to the conclusion that I simply cannot spend the rest of my life like this. And I've realized it's also starting to affect the kids in the sense that both of us have short tempers with them - and it's all a result of what's going on inside us. I don't want that for my kids. I don't want anything from my wife. I even want her and the kids to stay in our house because I want as little disruption as possible (wishful thinking, maybe).

 

The biggest hurdle right now is that I want to make sure I live in the same town in order to share custody of the kids. Unfortunately, by keeping the house, I don't (currently) see a way for me to do that, as rents even for 1BR apartments/condos in our town are well over $1k/mo. So I feel like I'm stuck right now. I haven't yet met with an attorney, as I'm hoping to stay out of court. Our state is no fault and I hope, when the time comes, my wife and I can come to agreement on everything. There's no way we'd be able to afford attorneys and, as I said, I want nothing from her.

 

So, that's most of my story. I could go on about various things. I think part of my sharing is that, right now, I have no one to talk to about this. I can't afford to go back to IC right now. I don't feel MC will do any good because I don't have any feelings for my wife and we don't really have anything to resurrect (as I said earlier, we started out minus any ounce of passion or close friendship). And I've not disclosed this to anyone in my family or to my closest friends. Frankly, I think my friends got tired of me complaining about things all the time and me being too much of a ball-less coward to do anything about it - and rightfully so, if that's how they feel. So for now I join this community. I hope I can contribute as much as I can here - and I hope to learn a lot. Thank you for taking the time to read.

[imagine]

Firstly, nobody is compatible. Right now you are in a lose-lose situation. Both of you need to meet each others emotional need.

 

Assess both of your emotional needs. Be serious about saving your marriage and do NOT talk to members of the other sex. These conversations are deceptive.

 

I have learned a great deal from the marriagebuilders articles. Folk here recommended this site to me and I would like to add my voice to their choir.

[GuyInLimbo]

I guess it was too long.

 

Anyway, just to add... We both had the week off last week for staycation stuff. The amount of conversation could probably have taken up one page in a notebook. It just seems THAT done.

[pteromom]

I could give you some ideas to try to bring some interest/affection back to your marriage, but it would only change so much.

 

Your wife isn't highly sexual. She isn't highly affectionate. She's not highly motivated. This is just her personality. There is nothing you can say or do to change her into someone who prefers a thong to granny panties.

 

It's your choice - you accept her for who she is and try to find satisfaction in other areas of life (work, hobbies, friendships), or you move on and try to find someone who is everything you want - just know there are pros and cons to anyone. If you find a highly passionate woman who is really sexual, she is also going to be passionate about EVERYTHING, so there will be lots of highs and lows.

[Janesays]

Are you interested in dating someone else in particular?

[GuyInLimbo]

I actually do indulge in my hobbies (working out, playing guitar, whatever). I get a lot of heat about my working out (although we've managed to compromise on a few things and that's been a lot better this year). But my hobbies only satisfy me so much. My workouts are the one time I feel GOOD. I can relieve that stress. It would be nice to at least share the joy of hobbies or interests with the other person. Certainly not all the time, but even once in a while. Or, at the least, get support from the other person (as I said before, she harbors a lot of resentment towards me). But, it has to be with someone you like being around.

 

I'm not delusional to think I can change her. After 10 years, that's evident.

 

I've examined my finances, and it seems my only real option right now would be to essentially liquidate my 401k. Not sure if that's wise. :/

[Gunny376]

i've examined my finances, and it seems my only real option right now would be to essentially liquidate my 401k. Not sure if that's wise. :/

 

only as a last ditch omg ~ what tha' helll am i going to do now? Option!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Kelemvor]

Wow, I listen to you and hear the potential of what my marriage could turn out to be several years down the road. I have much in common with you, but have only been married 2 years although I'm close to the same age. Similar story too... dated in high school, met up later on and in spite of no real attraction or "passion" or even connection, it just seemed like a good idea and almost "fate" in that we had met each other again. I echo all your feelings in the lack of conversation topics, the struggle to connect with hobbies or interests, the bickering. It's almost as if I just feel that both of us were incompatible, on a personality level, from the get go and had that going against us. Obviously, your situation is more complicated due to children.

 

Look, there's some people that would look at your situation and encourage you to pour 150% more effort into "making it work". I'm convinced that if you try hard enough, you can make almost any "bad" situation "work", but my personal philosophy is that I just don't want to live my life that way. You only live once, and you deserve to be happy and not have to feel like your bleeding on a daily basis to get it. I think you both deserve happiness. It's going to be difficult, but I think you should do what's best for you. You have one life to live and it sounds as if you realize your mistake. It's a very empty feeling to come home and wish your wife was not there, or wish you were single, or wish you were hanging out with someone else, or wish the dinner conversation were more stimulating, or need to think about other women to make it through sex even though there's nothing physically wrong with your wife, and then feel guilty for feeling or thinking those things. I think all of those things are red flags that you are with the wrong person. As difficult as it will be, I believe going your separate ways while responsibly taking care of the kids as best as you can is the best thing you can do for yourself. Otherwise, when the kids are grown and out of the house, you'll be faced with the same feelings again, except you'll be even older and have cheated yourself out of opportunities to find happiness with someone else.

 

It sounds like the marriage has ran its course. I feel where you are coming from in that it's difficult to ask for a divorce and stay in the same house. I'd save up enough money to rent a place, or stay with a friend during the divorce process. Sit the wife down and ask for it. Don't waste time apologizing, just explain how you feel and that you think a divorce is best, and are committed to that action, then move out. You should probably talk with an attorney first though.

 

Good luck. I feel you, and can relate in many ways.

Edited August 20, 2012 by Kelemvor

[GuyInLimbo]

Thanks, Kel. Yes, having kids in the mix has really been the road block for me for a couple of years. Otherwise, I would have been long gone a long time ago.

 

Last year, I did discuss with my bro-in-law (whose parents had a horrible relationship due to the father being a drunk, cheater, etc) and one of my oldest and closest friends. They both said I owed it to the relationship to try to work through it, go to counseling, etc. I agree, but I've spent a LOT of time thinking about this and discussing with my own IC and I think MC really can only work for couples who actually have something to re-kindle. You can't force yourself to have feelings for someone. Even writing her cards for special occasions, it's a struggle to find the words that one SHOULD be saying and feeling. So, it's all made up mush. A relationship shouldn't be like that. And I can't fathom this going on for the next 20, 30, 40 years. I just can't.

 

If you feel this way after 2 years, bail fast so you have no real responsibilities. I sort of envy that type of situation.

 

Re: janesays question

 

Yes and no. I've become very friendly with a couple of women who give me that "BAM!" feeling. There's something about them that makes me smile when I see them, takes my breath away every time I see them, have charming, passionate personalities, great sense of humor, etc. Now, that's not to say they may not be bi-polar drug addicts! I don't know them THAT well. And, frankly, I don't want to be involved with anyone else until I get my **** taken care of. I feel that's bad karma, bad for my family and not fair to the other person and would feel the relationship would be doomed from the get go unless my life and head were really clear.

 

Plus, one of them is married and lives half way across the country now. The other, well, we work in the same company and she is divorced, but lives about 45 minutes away with her kids (as far as I know, she and her ex have shared custody and live in the same town, which is something I believe strongly in doing). I'm thinking way too much, but even that scenario presents problems, since I will insist on being around my kids until they graduate high school.

 

Anyway, long answer short, yes, I do know women who knock my socks off for a variety of reasons and think I have a *much* better idea of who I'd be much more compatible with. I'm just not acting on that for a number of good reasons. (People may or may not agree with this, but my therapist actually encouraged seeking out affairs if I decided to stay with my wife, but I'm not going down that path.)

[Kelemvor]

Well, I would discourage the affair route. Been there and done that and DO NOT recommend it. Ugh.

 

I think marital counseling is heavily overrated when you reach an internal state of emotion and logic as the one you have described. Marital counselors' job is to facilitate progression or healing in a marital relationship. I mean.. it's almost an invested interest for them to keep the marriage going, after all...they get paid for "marital counseling". I think they help in the right cases, as you said, when both people are entirely committed to making the marriage work...and last.

 

We gave MC a try... and I even went by myself a few times. I really got little from it. I personally think it's overrated and is more helpful for people who fundamentally just have a problem communicating, or as a symbol of an effort to move forward, or to have an "expert" on relationships give validity to each individual's feelings. When you have one person who wants it to work, and another who essentially doesn't.. I really don't see the point.

[standtall]

Guy..you sound friggin miserable. I can say this though..no matter how tempted you are, take the high road and stay away from 3 rd parties until you resolve this thing with your wife 1 way or the other. I would suggest some major, major, counseling, and less talk and more action.

[pteromom]

I've examined my finances, and it seems my only real option right now would be to essentially liquidate my 401k. Not sure if that's wise. :/

 

You have to weigh what it would cost you against your happiness in life. In my opinion, money is replaceable, but wasted years are not.

[GuyInLimbo]

You have to weigh what it would cost you against your happiness in life. In my opinion, money is replaceable, but wasted years are not.

 

I know. It's just me being hesitant. I don't want to start at zero retirement in my early 40s. My parents did that and pleaded with me to start when I got my first job. Oh well! Poof!

 

But, seriously, you're right. What's the point in having money when you're miserable (as was correctly pointed out above)?

[StripeyShirt]

My heart goes out to you. You sound so sad. It sounds like you have done a lot of thinking and careful reflection and I know and understand what a tough decision it is to make.

 

Just wanted to say hang in there.

 

And I agree - resolve your marriage either way before you embark on another relationship. You deserve to treat yourself and your wife a lot better than that. If you can end this with honesty and dignity it will be best for everyone, especially the kids.

[JD1977]

Everyone seems to be in agreement on the advice front, so I will just leave it at that! But I completely feel your pain. We are going thought almost the exact same thing right now with my husband. I'm so frustrated I could scream!

It sounds like your doing what you need to right now, making the kids a priority! Take it one day at a time...

[LongRoad06]

I could give you some ideas to try to bring some interest/affection back to your marriage, but it would only change so much.

 

Your wife isn't highly sexual. She isn't highly affectionate. She's not highly motivated. This is just her personality. There is nothing you can say or do to change her into someone who prefers a thong to granny panties.

 

It's your choice - you accept her for who she is and try to find satisfaction in other areas of life (work, hobbies, friendships), or you move on and try to find someone who is everything you want - just know there are pros and cons to anyone. If you find a highly passionate woman who is really sexual, she is also going to be passionate about EVERYTHING, so there will be lots of highs and lows.

 

You just summed me up in one sentence. Highly passionate, highly sexual, passionate about EVERYTHING. I wish I could somehow get my husband to understand this about me.

[GuyInLimbo]

You just summed me up in one sentence. Highly passionate, highly sexual, passionate about EVERYTHING. I wish I could somehow get my husband to understand this about me.

 

Hmm. Where do you live???

[so_difficult]

Ok Guyinlimbo ... now I'M getting freaked out. I just started reading your story and you're a triathlete. I'm a triathlete!!!. Hmmmmm.

Edited September 11, 2012 by so_difficult
Not correct

[GuyInLimbo]

Ok Guyinlimbo ... now I'M getting freaked out. I just started reading your story and you're a triathlete. I'm a triathlete!!!. Hmmmmm.

 

 

Well, then let's celebrate our kindred spirits and crack open a bottle of wine tonight. I will toast you (in silence, of course) from afar and you do the same!

[so_difficult]

 

Well, then let's celebrate our kindred spirits and crack open a bottle of wine tonight. I will toast you (in silence, of course) from afar and you do the same!

 

 

Didn't have any wine last night but I'll definitely toast you this weekend