Lost and hurting...

[beerandcoffee]

I am a 38 year guy who is married to his 31 year old wife of three years (5 years total). I have a daughter, she has two younger children, and we have one 3 year old together. (4 total) I just found out that she just completed a seperation agreement. She is being more than fair with the agreement, but I am devistated. My heart is breaking.

 

She admits that she is very needy and needs extra attention. According to family and friends, I give her tons of attention and anyone would be happy with that. According to her, I don't give her enough attention. If I fall asleep while watching tv, she becomes aggitated. If I don't hold her hand she becomes mad. Then that is when the arguments become very loud. After years of that, I became numb and didn't get as upset as she would. She would cry and scream in the floor. Note: She was rejected by her mother and doesn't know who her father is.

 

She constantly believes I am cheating with my supervisiors, people on facebook/twitter, and any passing female that knows me. I am accused of affairs if I come home and decide to take a shower. I HAVE NEVER CHEATED and haven't even considered it. I am a devouted husband. It was very frustrating!

 

Around one month ago, she stated that she wasn't happy. She didn't know what she wanted. She said she didn't want a divorce, but needed some space. I tried to give her space, but I was weak and kept calling or texting her. I know that was stupid, but I was worried about her.

 

The arguments became increasingly worse and it got so bad that I slapped myself in the face and she threatened to call the police. I left that night to stay in a motel. We continued to argue over everything and then she mentioned a legal seperation. I offered that we attend marriage counseling, she refused. I started to go to counseling and started medication management for depression/anxiety.

 

I have issues with being alone. For the last 20 years of my life I have been with someone. Now I will be alone. I am terrrified and already miss her. I am unsure if I will miss her or just miss having someone??

 

She put in the agreement that there will be a possiblity of returning to the marriage.

 

I don't want to give up on the marriage. I love her so very much and the kids are my world. I haven't been happier, when things were good. I am afraid if I don't just give up, I will hang on to false hope and then grieve it all over.

 

So my questions is:

 

1. Should I continue to work on us or give up and just focus on me?

 

I hurt so bad right now...

[Holyoak]

I wish I could offer you sound advice, but I can offer that I hope in the end you find peace and happiness... I know a lot of the pain and hurt you are going through, and hopefully folks here can offer great advice to help you through this terrible period in your life, and give you clarity.

 

I know "hang in there" seems so superficial with days that seem like years, roller coaster feelings, doubt, everything... All I can tell myself is one day things will be better, maybe a lot better, and hope is never truly extinguished until you allow it. My thoughts are with you, and hope your hurting eases.

[imagine]

B+C

 

I worry when a woman wonders off. She needs to talk to someone then who is the person that is taking over.

 

Trust but check!

[standtall]

Beer..something is missing here. Women with minor children rarely check out of marriages unless.

 

1. Drug/alcohol issues by either of you.

2. Physical/emotional abuse by either of you.

3. Mental illness by either of you.

4. Third party involvement by either.

 

 

This is not absolute, but the vast majority. Which one is your number?

[Tryin Hard 2 Make It]

I agree with standtall.

 

I can relate to what you are going through. Your mind is racing around 100 miles an hour and all you can think is about her and about being alone for the rest of your life while dealing with a hurt you never imagined. I can assure you that you will NOT be alone for the rest of your life regardless if you two do not reconcile. What i can assure you of is the emotional roller coaster you are on and will be on for the necessary amount of time it takes for you to heal from this wound should you separate for good. You are human and because you are human you will feel pain from this emotional detachment. Make no mistake, this will hurt like a mother BUT you will be alright. You came here for help which is a step in the right direction in your long journey to getting through this. You will never get "over" this but you WILL get THROUGH this with help here and seeing a therapist/counselor/expensive friend .

 

Your situation is very similar to mine, i just turned 39, i was with my Ex-Wife (feels good to say that) for 7 years and married for almost 5 years. SHe is 8 years younger than me and we have a 5 year old child together. She gave me the old "i love you but i am not in love with you" line. I now know where i went wrong after talking with my therapist and people here on LS.

 

Please keep us posted, it helps to vent here as well as get other peoples perspectives.

[Lonestar]

She can't need that much attention if she is leaving you. Maybe you really didn't give her what she needed. I mean, she's been telling you that you don't pay enough attention to her, and you are completely negating that. That's her view and that's how she feels, and instead of respecting that and trying to fix the problem, you are only telling us that you give her enough, she is needy, and as you say, everyone else agrees. The relationship is between you are her. It doesn't and shouldn't matter what everyone else thinks. That's just a way of gaining allies.

 

As far as her accusing you of cheating, there are obviously deep trust issues between the two of you and that usually doesn't come out of nowhere, but it doesn't mean you cheated. Maybe lied a lot? I suppose it could be residual from a previous relationship, as some people are known to bring their prior problems into new relationships, so I can't fault you there without knowing everything.

 

I'm sure there are some issues with her regarding her parents abandonment, but I think it's unfair that you use that. It may be that you are just unable to compensate for her lost famly, and you are not enough to fill that void. It doesn't make you a bad person, just wrong for her.

 

I hope things work out for you.

[beerandcoffee]

Thanks for the replies.

 

We both also got into our relationship immediately after our previous relationship. In hindsight, we should have took it slower. By week 3 we were living together.

 

I have been focusing on attentiveness in counseling. And she is willing to work on things after some time to breathe.

 

It hurts to be without her. I have never felt this out-of-my-mind. I have found an apartment and I am to be out of the house by 8/1/12.

 

Do I do the 180 thing and take it slow?

 

Or should I move on?

Edited July 22, 2012 by beerandcoffee

[BetrayedH]

My gut says she is cheating. You need to look into it. Seriously. Do some digging. Start with phone, text, and financial records.

 

My wife pulled the same crap, dude. I'm telling you. When you find out about a bunch of hotels, you will stop beating yourself up. I was with my wife for 19 years, 12 married, two small kids. Got the same speech. Was clueless about what happened to my marriage, about how poorly I must have treated my wife and been as a husband for her to want to separate and then...bam, found out about her boss for the last 13 months. Changes up the equation a little bit.

 

Something doesn't add up in your situation, bud, and you know it. You need to figure out what it is.

 

Good luck to you.

[cms2012]

And to state for all the doubters...it had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do about another man.

 

I have been independent all my life and after years of a martial breakdown to a mutual shutdown and ambivalence I defaulted to the only course I knew to try to find a way back. To heal, to reflect, to try to find new ways to our dysfunctional approaches to grow...

 

Unfortunately for him when I move out, that is was the end....(though he didn't really convey that to me) said he's suffered rejection for too long well, it goes both ways...he emotionally checked out on me years ago and we have a 7 yrs old and as much as I wanted to embrace my role as mother and wife, because of being a 'strong person'...I picked up on his and enabled him...

 

Yesterday I learned he started an adulterous relationship....so things have just been dandy....

 

But from where I am in all this relationship chaos out in the world, we as individuals all have our own perceptions of situations and actions when it involves a spouse.

 

Unless both parties learn *true coping and communication skills* TOGETHER....it's going to continue to be like this. Everyone that knows me, knows my TRUTH, knows what I felt I endured and what I was trying to accomplish by moving out.

 

See we all put out our side of the 'story', but in my heart I wanted to find a way back but was lost and didn't know how. Because the male/female difference is absolutely crazy difficult to understand, it hinders our ability to find out where we're each coming from.

 

I don't have answers other than...couples need to continue to grow together and learn together to strengthen fabric of the 'marriage'.

 

I've acknowledge my short comings, painfully and actually found it in my heart "true forgiveness' (but now I have the adultery too) - but it's a too way street....and from that it really depends on what our spouses are capable to accept and forgive.

[beerandcoffee]

I know some of my shortcomings were that I did not provide her with reassurance and i would get aggravated when she pressured me.

 

When I would come home from work, I needed to be quiet for a while. She assumed that I was not pleased with her and I was having connections with others. She forbid my use of social network sites. According to her I loved them more than her. However she kept hers social networks open.

 

I know we had problems with communication skills. I have begged for her to go to marriage counseling, she refuses. I am going to learn better relationship skills.

 

She says that she needs time to think, but states she doesn't want a divorce... Yet

 

I have to move out next week and I feel like I am spinning out of control. I am terrified of being away from home and the kids.

 

How does one cope with that?

 

Thank you.

[BetrayedH]

I know some of my shortcomings were that I did not provide her with reassurance and i would get aggravated when she pressured me.

 

When I would come home from work, I needed to be quiet for a while. She assumed that I was not pleased with her and I was having connections with others. She forbid my use of social network sites. According to her I loved them more than her. However she kept hers social networks open.

 

I know we had problems with communication skills. I have begged for her to go to marriage counseling, she refuses. I am going to learn better relationship skills.

 

She says that she needs time to think, but states she doesn't want a divorce... Yet

 

I have to move out next week and I feel like I am spinning out of control. I am terrified of being away from home and the kids.

 

How does one cope with that?

 

Thank you.

 

It's not you; it's her. And you have one week to find out the truth.

[Steadfast]

She says that she needs time to think, but states she doesn't want a divorce... Yet

 

I have to move out next week and I feel like I am spinning out of control. I am terrified of being away from home and the kids.

 

Hold on. STOP. Put on the brakes and pull back the reins. No No NO!!

 

The very first thing you do right now is get a grip. Find your balls and reattach them. Not to be crude but it's obvious she's been calling the shots for a long time and that's undoubtedly part of the problem. You hear me?

 

Sit down. Breathe, and slow the spinning. Fear is always as issue but courage isn't the lack of fear, it's doing what you must in spite of it.

 

Do this: approach your wife in a calm manner (having the kids near is fine) and calmly tell her it isn't going to go the way she wants. You WILL NOT just pack up and leave your home and family because she says so. Tell her "We can do this one of two ways; nice, or nasty. You want a separation? There's the door. You want me to leave? Talk to my attorney. You decide."

 

If she calls your bluff, go right to a lawyer and set up the plan. This will include a temporary visitation schedule so you won't have to always be apart from your kids. You can't stop her from doing anything, but she can not and should not be allowed to DETERMINE YOUR RIGHTS. She has them, so do you. It isn't all about her. It's about you too. 50-50. Got it?

 

My hunch says there is someone else. Honestly? It doesn't matter right now. She's doing what she's doing. One problem and one day at a time.

 

Take control of you and face this head on. Don't pu$$y out. Stand up and be a man. That doesn't mean you have to be rude, mean or vindictive, it just means you are not allowing her to take your rights away. Simple.

 

Keep your cool. Take your stand. Don't back down. That's how you deal.

[cms2012]

Had I looked for some feedback like you did before I acted my situation would be different.

 

Don't move out. There are obviously 'mental health' issues. As unstable as she's been on some levels...it could lead to her not seeing that in the best light from you.

 

None of this is easy...trust me when I tell you. Before I moved out we lived as roommates...i moved into the spare room. But really she's the one that seems all over the place. Moving out isn't viewed well, as I've learned even if you have some type of agreement.

 

Either she agrees to address her issues, get on meds or let her file. The pain of any of this absolutely sucks...stop and think on this one...

[standtall]

I have to move out next week and I feel like I am spinning out of control. I am terrified of being away from home and the kids.

 

 

 

 

Dude, I can't believe I have to say this as well. You do not have to move nor can she make you do anything that you do not want to do. Also, do not sign anything unless you have an attorney read it. Now man up and grow a pair and listen to steadfast..his post is 100% right on.