darkbrooke Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 My wife is from Spain. She moved over here last March to try living with me after we knew each other for only a couple months. She got pregnant like the first week she was here. By May we had decided that she would stay in the US and we would get married and then save money to buy a home so we married in june. But during the summer she started acting very strange. She felt trapped here in the US away from friends and family and started acting a little crazy. She would fly off the handle from little things and not talk to me all day, I would be the one always trying to mend things and apologize and bow down to her fits just to smooth things out. When her friend (also from spain) visited us my wife really acted crazy and started yelling at both of us out of jealousy just because we were talking together. It made her friend cry. Later her excuse was that she missed her family, hated the weather, hated the people here, and was bored without a job. I think it was also the hormones because she was 4 months pregnant by then. In september on our way to a friend's birthday dinner she flew off the handle from a really small stupid thing and vowed to ruin my friends birthday dinner we were attending that night. Then she said she was too good for me. I was so fed up that I stopped the car and insisted she get out. I was so upset by her behavior that I decided to not go to the dinner and drove home. Meanwhile she walked a mile to the restaurant and joined my friends, stayed the night with him (he's gay and Im not jealous) and out of spite changed her return ticket home leaving tomorrow. I found out when she came home crying. She said it was better that she has the delivery at home with her family. I disagreed because I must continue working here to qualify for the visa and that I wouldnt be with our newborn for nearly the first year of his life. I told her that the relationship felt over if she left and that I felt abandoned. She said she wasn't leaving me but just needed to be home. Meanwhile I had to lose almost 6000 from lost wages and airfare to visit spain for 3 weeks for the birth and to hold my son for 6 days before having to come back to a job that I dont like and an empty house and days filled with emptiness instead of being with my new family. Not to mention the $3000 in healthcare I'm still paying off for her. Now I'm feeling like she has no education, no decent work experience, no knowledge on what it takes to survive in the US and that I can not trust this woman to make a life with. Her emotional instability has already hurt my emotional state, our bank account and my job performance. I'm afraid she will do the same thing next time after I have lost 8 months of my son's life while waiting for the visa. Plus, she is on welfare there and lives with parents and doesn't really have any work ethics so I'm afraid that if I immigrate her here then she can just divorce me later and gouge me for child support and alimony while collecting welfare. I am seriously losing trust with her. So now I must decide if I should divorce her and lose knowing my son or if I should risk everything I have just for a chance with a woman who I already know is spiteful, angers easily, makes life almost unliveable, and cant make any promise of financial help for our family which we will surely need. My soft heart always says to trust, but my experience and brain say divorce and cut my losses now. I need some help on this.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 It sounds like you are at a high level of frustration. However, I think you are just as much at fault as she is. It seems like both of you are rather insecure and both trying to get the other to validate your own individual feelings. You now have a child together and whereas she has been selfish in certain regards I get the very strong impression from your posting that it is almost certainly that reactive on your end. Have you thoroughly considered the impact to your child? As well, you knew full well her education and work history before you married her, correct? If not, why not? I strongly suggest reading The Seven Principles for Making Marrisge Work. As well, she can't "make you" do anything you don't want to. She can put you in tough spots, with tough decisions, but the choice is still yours.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 As well, you assign very negative connotations to her actions and feelings. Your perceptions will colour your interactions with her and may very well not be accurate at all. I also get the impression that you have been abandoned before, is that right?
Author darkbrooke Posted March 4, 2012 Author Posted March 4, 2012 I have remained patient and understanding on the outside. But yes, I am frustrated that I get stuck here alone paying the bills and supporting this opportunity to get her visa while saving $$ for our future. I'm totally sacrificing my career and the things I want to do so that I can remain employed for this visa and the chance for us to buy a home some day. Meanwhile I am losing so much important time with my new-born son. I do have two teenage daughters from another relationship that ended 10 years ago and have watched the mother slowly take them away from me in order to have total control in their lives. Now I'm lucky to see them a couple hours a week so it hurts that I can not be a part of a family. This recent marriage was my "2nd chance" to make things work out and be the present and loving father. As far as abandonment, my father committed suicide when I was 6 and left us 2 kids and mother to fend for ourselves. She was so devastated that she never remarried. I swore to be the always present and loving father in return. But what you sense as my feeling of abandonment might be from the fact that since she left I've been totally demoralized and depressed. I've lost self respect and dignity since I should have just told her that if she left in that manner it was finished between us. But I played the nice guy again. I told her I'd visit for the birth and keep saving money for our first home. Now I feel that I betrayed myself and should have made it clear that it isn't okay to fly off the handle, get angry over small things, and change our entire futures on a moments notice. She admits having an anger problem and acting without forethought then later regretting things. But she will never directly admit any fault when it comes to specific actions. I took a job that hurt my career and that I didn't like just so I could afford to bring her here and then she threw it away. I needed her in my life to make the balance of bad job, good relationship worth it. I'm still upset by the way she left me but any time I try talking with her about it she gets angry again and quickly threatens to just stay in Spain and make a life for herself there without me. So its a topic I can't discuss with her. But this is a pattern. She will get angry and hold our relationship hostage and she will destroy our weekend, our dinner, our vacation, or our relationship if I don't do what she wants. She's done it in front of her friends, my daughters, my mother, my friends, and has confused all of them! Most of my friends have advised me to "move on". Unfortunately she has set the precedent that this behavior is okay and I haven't been tough enough on her. I married her with good faith and that she wouldn't make choices that actively sabotaged our future together. We have now lost that bonding time of caring for a newborn together. She has demonstrated that when times get tough she runs home to her daddy. And her temper is a constant problem. Shes even angry with me for not applying for the visa yet when she hasn't even sent me all her documents I need to apply. When thinking about our newborn I must consider what a household together with her would look like, because right now I'm imaging living in poverty and angry with each other constantly. Maybe he's better off with her at her parent's house. In my case it's being stuck between either having self-dignity or a family with her.
TheBadOne Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Your story is all too familiar. I have several friends who took your path to marital bliss only to later find out they have been duped. Getting pregnant quickly into the relationship is a tactic these foreign women use to get the man to marry them. You see this works two fold, first it almost guarantees marriage and second, once the child is born it almost always guarantees permanent residency for the mother regardless if the marriage ends. Your in a catch 22, notify CIS and lose your child or wait and hope that your wife is not after your money and a free pass for her and her entire family to come live in the U.S. Good luck.
Minnie09 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 For the sake of the child and your relationship with him, I would try to make her come back and work on the M. If you love her, don't give up on the idea of having a new family and a home. Go to counseling, try to work it out, do something about it. If she gets her GC and you do end up divorced, she won't be able to move away with your son and you'll have access to him at least. Most states do shared parenting now anyways. If it should end, you will be able to look back and say "I tried", and your son will have his father in his life. Where are you from? Did you say you're here on a work visa? Are you both from Spain? So you're both non-citizens? I don't think many European women go fishing for GCs through marriage, like somebody mentioned in a post above. I think that's a myth. That may apply to Asians or Latinas, but rarely to Europeans. I do think that OP (provided that his description of facts is halfway accurate) should have made his boundaries clear and followed through. But with a baby on the way she does have the better cards, especially if she knows that the father of her child does care.
Beijing_girl_1980 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 i dont know people think all other women from outside of america came here for greencard or perminant resident.people who think this way should get out of america to take a look.a lot of places out there is better than here.the truth is some places are better in some way but bad in other way.there is no such thing that one place is definitely better than the other. woman who came from a different country left everything behind.she needs to restart her life from zero.it is a huge sarcrafice.education,job,friend,families,culture difference...this is a totally new environment.coming to america to collect welfare？really？what kind of welfare and how much welfare can a resident get？v.s. citizen？ i used to be in the same situation.now i have a decent job but i still cant vet used to this country.like i said it is a huge difference.if it is not for my son i would have gone back to my home country years ago.i am eligible for citizenship but i dont want it.and im not using any welfare
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