I want back what I had so badly!

[Just me 1980]

He left 18 months ago. Out of the blue. He became upset and although for a long time he kept telling me he didn't know what made him upset, in the end he decided it was the marriage that was the cause so he just left. I suffered for such a long time! I am not even sure how to put it into words. In 6 months we are meant to file for divorce (his idea, apparently it's cheaper if you wait for 2 years). And I still can't believe that this is it! I mean, of course I don't suffer anywhere near as much as I did for months and months. I got used to going back to our empty house in the evenings after work. I got used to the loneliness. To sleeping by myself. Hell, I cannot even properly, physically remember how it is to have him in the house and be happy, newly married and full of plans (although we only got married and moved in our home in 2007 so really not that long ago). I even dated other men but it all still left me empty. I begged and pleaded and cried and humiliated myself in ways I never thought were possible for 12 months after he left, asking him back. He never wanted to come back. He is happier now living with his mother than he was when he left. He told me he didn’t love me anymore, he didn’t want me, he was done. Back in May he started contacting me and I got my hopes up so much! But he only wanted sex and he stopped that when it was convenient for him dumping me to the side once more. Now I have finally not been in touch for almost 8 weeks (the longest in our 18 months of separation) and although it's hard, it's probably the best way forward. The only way forward. So why, why, why do I still want him back especially after the way he treated me these last 18 months? I am not even sure I want HIM back, I just want back the security of my marriage and for it to be real, not false as it actually turned out to be. I want that feeling of being loved and loving someone with everything that I am. I want to be able to believe in that like I once did but I feel he stole this away from me and he didn’t even care about he was doing to me. As long as he is happy, why care about the person you promised to share the rest of your life with? Why care about you do to her, about the suffering you put her through for years after you have left without even giving her a proper reason? Without fighting for your marriage? Sorry for the rant, I am so mad with myself for still even giving him the time of day but it’s still so hard…

[willowthewisp]

You put it better than I could have, I completely understand how you are feeling, have been there, am there still some days.

Theft - willful taking of years of someone elses life and taking of innocence in a way.

 

Comparision - a life alone, unfulfilled because we know the happiness that is possible, even when we try to be happy with ourseleves on our own we cannot be, not totally because you and I know what happiess is possible.

 

Selfishness - not a care about anyone but them. I'll go further than that, it's as if they do not evenhave an incling of what they have done, like they cannot appreciate or understand the pain they have caused or perhaps they just choose not to turn their minds to it?

 

I wish I had a solution but all I can say is you are not alone and to keep plodding on, I hope we both find happiness again...it's been 2 years and seven months for me, I haven't even had a good date or gotten my own home again yet, still living with family after HE made me homeless.