lonelylore Posted November 24, 2003 Share Posted November 24, 2003 I've been with my husband for five years our marriage is going down hill quick. We married and had a son very quickly, the divorce from my previous marriage wasn't even final. My husband will not talk to me we hardly have sex he is not affectionate in any way, he says mean thing to me all the time. He tells me he doesn't know how to communicate. He comes home from work and hardly says a word to me but at the same time he says he doesn't want me to leave him. I've asked him if he still loves me and he said "no not any more" than laughs and says hes just kidding, but his actions tell me he's not I don't think he loves me any more. I'm confused and very unhappy please help me I want my marriage to work, I Know I Wont Make It Through Another Divorce I Cant Do This To My Kids Again HELP ME. Link to post Share on other sites
zero Posted November 24, 2003 Share Posted November 24, 2003 So - let me get this straight....your husband does not talk to you (because (he says) he does not know how), he gives you no affection, he rarely has sex with you, he does not talk to you, and when you ask him a serious question like "do you still love me" - he gives the most hurtful response possible, gets a reaaction from you, and then says he is only kidding. Top it off with I dont want you to leave me... He sounds like a wonderfully selfish man with no regard to anything but his own needs and wants. Have you suggested couples therapy? Sounds like it would be more than helpful here. This is the only way I can see you two working things out. He does not seem to have the tools to communicate with you - he seems mighty selfish, and it sounds like he does not care for you. Things are not going to work themselves out. If not you should go. If he does not go - leave him. You CAN handle another divorce. You just need to find the strength. I dont mean to sound harsh about it, but he is using and abusing you here. Put it into perspective. Do you think staying with him in this way will help your childern at all? I would hate to see you stay in an unhappy marriage and teach your children that it is ok to sacrifce one's happiness and, basically, their life, for somebody that does not care an ounce about them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelylore Posted November 25, 2003 Author Share Posted November 25, 2003 Originally posted by zero So - let me get this straight....your husband does not talk to you (because (he says) he does not know how), he gives you no affection, he rarely has sex with you, he does not talk to you, and when you ask him a serious question like "do you still love me" - he gives the most hurtful response possible, gets a reaaction from you, and then says he is only kidding. Top it off with I dont want you to leave me... He sounds like a wonderfully selfish man with no regard to anything but his own needs and wants. Have you suggested couples therapy? Sounds like it would be more than helpful here. This is the only way I can see you two working things out. He does not seem to have the tools to communicate with you - he seems mighty selfish, and it sounds like he does not care for you. Things are not going to work themselves out. If not you should go. If he does not go - leave him. You CAN handle another divorce. You just need to find the strength. I dont mean to sound harsh about it, but he is using and abusing you here. Put it into perspective. Do you think staying with him in this way will help your childern at all? I would hate to see you stay in an unhappy marriage and teach your children that it is ok to sacrifce one's happiness and, basically, their life, for somebody that does not care an ounce about them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelylore Posted November 25, 2003 Author Share Posted November 25, 2003 thanks for the advice you are a very intelligent person wish I had a friend like you thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
smidenmar Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 This is amazing reading your story. The same is happening in my marriage. My husband will go weeks without talking, blames everything wrong on my children, thinks its okay to talk with other women and not pay his fair share of the bills. He tells me no decent man would want to live in this situation. He always ends that I am a good woman and that's the only reason why he has stayed. I did not get anything for Christmas or our anniversary. He stayed away at his mothers Christmas day then to work that he volunteered for. He did not accept my gift. It remains on the floor where I gave it too him. We also married quickly and today were to celebrate our 5 year anniversary. I'm afraid of being alone, therefore have stayed longer than I should. At 44 my fear is that noone will want a meaningful relationship with me. Your advice is timely. I'm trying to get up the strength to move on. Best of luck to you. Smitty Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 At 44 my fear is that noone will want a meaningful relationship with me. Surely the relationship you have can in no way be considered 'meaningful'? You would have a much better life with no relationship, IMHO, than with the one you have. Link to post Share on other sites
smidenmar Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 Thank you for the words of encouragement. I'm praying hard for the strength and pricing a divorce. Again, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 Or perhaps you can try to resolve the issues? I take it you have kids from the previous marriage? How is the relationship between the kids and the husband? Maybe he is feeling like an outsider. Look for these books: Keys to Successful Step-fathering, Carl E Pickhardt, PhD 0-8120-9715-7 You're a Stepparent.. Now What? Joseph Cerquone 0-88282-129-6 Link to post Share on other sites
smidenmar Posted January 3, 2004 Share Posted January 3, 2004 I would much rather preserve the relationship than walk away although it appears I am alone. He told me this morning that he did not care for me. As for the children I have four, 24, 22, 19 and 12. The 19 year old was a very rebellious teenager, typically expected but she did not get into trouble with the law nor do drugs. She was experimenting with drinking until she wrecked her car. They have not spoken in two years. He has told the kids that they were the reason for me almost dying and he talks negatively about her father in front of her. Good or bad children love the parents. The final straw is when he took her door off to teach her a lesson about cleaniness and when her room gets really dirty (nasty) he will dump everything in the middle of the floor and tell her to clean it up. He also gives her boyfriend a hard time by not speaking with him and telling him he is not welcome. Twice my husband has moved out to be with someone else. My children took the TV/Stereo they had installed in his truck out while we were away talking in an attempt to reconcile. My children told him if he wanted it back that he needed to talk with them. He never did and he never got his TV/Stereo back. To make amends I bought another unit, less expensive and he said he did not want it so I gave it away to my oldest one. My husband called the police on my son. On the next visit he pulled a gun out on him for sitting on the counter talking on the phone. He said that my 22 year was respecting him. Not the case as I had invited him over. My husband told me my son is never welcomed in our home because of this. It does not help that he has been in trouble with the law in the past, however he has grown up and has a excellent stable job. He, like my daughter, hate my husband. My 24 year old my husband says he thinks of him as his own son, however he goes into the bedroom whenever he comes over to avoid talking to him. He makes him feel very unwelcome. My son will knock on the door and say hello to him anyway. My husband gets mad because he helps me with little things like put air in my tires. He does not like the way he treats me but says that it is my decision. My oldest will borrow, (asking before hand). My husband will say yes, but later claim that my son is using him. He always returns what he borrows usually in better shape than he received it. My 12 year old is afraid of him. When he is home he goes upstairs unless I am downstairs with him. My husband speaks very little to him. His friends do not come over anymore becuase they also think of Willie as a mean person. My husband does not spend any time with him and is always critizing him. My husband has two children of his own. He has a bad relationship with his son and only recently rekindled a relationship with his daughter. His daughter has two girls, 6 and 2 who also think he is mean to me and them. My lies were told while we were dating and unfortunately, other of his family members cooberated his lies. I later found out that he was mean to them until he abandoned them when they were in their preteens. He told me many stories of what he did with them as teens -- all lies. He claimed he abandoned them becuase he could not get along with their mother. This is my second marriage and I really wanted to make it work but it really hurts. He does not support anything that interests me, and will go out of his way to ruin things for me. For example, I love the holidays, bringing family together and gifts whether homemade or purchased. He took my gift and 8 days later it remains on the floor where I gave it to him. He gave me nothing. He did not give me anything for our anniversary, Jan 1 (5 years) nor acknowledge the day which really hurt. He has not spoken to me in over three weeks except yesterday in anger because I though out his alcohol. I did not know it was a gift. I am a professional woman working on my doctorate. I have a good job and well thought of at work and in the community. My family and friends absolutely hate Willie, not becuase of what I say but how they see that he treats me. They always see me alone or doing things alone. I also just found out that he is retiring from Sherriff's Department but has not told me. I will try the book, but stepfathering is only a small part of our problem. I doubt he will open the book but nothing beats a failure but a try. Thanks for listening. Confused, hurt and ready to throw in the towel. Houston Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 4, 2004 Share Posted January 4, 2004 Oh, my dear - you deserve SO much better! Don't just throw in the towel. Wad it up, burn it, and flush the ashes. He is a complete loser and you need to be rid of him. I don't know how you ended up with a man that is horrid to your children as well as you, but please, once he's gone, do some work with a therapist or some real good books to be sure you never fall into that sort of horrible situation again! Very best of luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted January 4, 2004 Share Posted January 4, 2004 Gotta agee with moimeme on this one. Kids are mostly grown. You can support yourself. You've got a lot of life to lead, and you don't want to take your opportunities to the grave. Even if the guy is only half as bad as you've described, its still bad enough. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted January 4, 2004 Share Posted January 4, 2004 Amen! I'm about your age, live in the same part of the country, split with my now ex-husband last summer and I KNOW that there is someone out there waiting for me. All is not lost, you are just feeling badly about your marriage failing, it does not make you an unloveable person. You can do it, move on without him. You owe it to yourself and your twelve year old. Link to post Share on other sites
misskimberly1547 Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Hey girlfriend, don't feel bad, I'm in the same situation.....I've been with a 45 year old man and I'm 42..he does the same thing to me. I'm an attractive woman, petite and have NEVER had a problem with a man wanting to have sex with me...EVER!!!!! My 2 x husbands would have done it 3 to 4 times a day if I would have let them. But THIS man..no way!!!!...he always has to be the initator and always wants to please his self..he doesn't care about my feelings when it comes to sex. I'm starting to get to the point where I don't know how long I can take it gpoing on like this among other things. I asked him tonight if he wanted to and he got very angry at me.....this is the same way for me baby so either hang in there or go get it from somewhere else because believe me, there are more fish in the sea other than the one you are with................. Link to post Share on other sites
smidenmar Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Well, after more than 2 months of not talking he moved out without a warning last Friday while I was at work. He left taking the best of what we had as far as possessions. He closed all the accounts, left bills unpaid, and has not called or left a forwarding address. I came home to a partially empty house. I went to file for a divorce Tuesday, but I don't where to serve him. He left work on a six weeks leave with plans of retiring at the end of his leave. As horrible as our relationship was it still hurts. I got the cell phone bill and found that he has been talking with someone else quite a bit since November. This person calls him and he calls her all the time. The frequency increased when he stopped talking to me December 3rd. I never messed around on him so there is not anyone waiting for me. His sister said I was perfect for him but what does it matter. It's not her who I was married to. So now that I have the opportunity to move on, I don't know how. I just sit and cry. Link to post Share on other sites
pinklove Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 He has a serious problem and it has nothing to do with u. Link to post Share on other sites
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