CaliforniaGirl Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Hey, all. I think after nine years of trying and trying and trying, I'm going to leave my extremely emotionally neglectful (and many times emotionally abusive) husband. He's not a bad guy. I think somehow I must bring out the worst in him. I think we were just an explosive pair that...exploded. I don't know where to start financially. I don't work outside the home. I bring in about $500/month (in Southern California, no less...chump change) and don't have my own bank account. How do people in this situation pay to retain attorneys? Also, I know the children and I should not leave the house, right? Thanks for any help. This may seem simplistic but I literally do not know where to start.
Author CaliforniaGirl Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 I guess I should add: We've been married for 9 years and live in California. We have two children, ages 8 and 5. Our 8-year-old is autistic. I am fine with 50% shared custody if it turns out that's what he wants. I don't wish to drag him financially through the mud, grab his kids from him or steal all his worldly goods. Prior to working from home (mostly due to our special-needs child) I worked outside the home for 18 years. The job market is terrible right now but I'm sure I could eventually find something full time...in fact this was going to be my year to start looking simply because our 8-year-old is in a good place and my 5-year-old will be off to kindergarten. Thanks for reading.
OhMittens Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Sounds to me like you need to start getting your affairs in order and preparing to end the relationship. I'd open my own bank account and start stashing little bits of money away in it. Sadly not everyone we love is compatible with us.
Mauschen Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I agree with the above poster - you need to make preparations. And if your husband is emotionally abusive, why would you want to share 50% custody with him? If you are the main parent, you should remain the main parent. I assume the decision for you to work from home/stay at home was a mutual decision, right? That means that your husband should pay child support once you're separated. But, back to your marriage...what went wrong other than the emotional neglect? Have you told your husband how you feel? Apparently, many men do not understand what their wives need and don't feel they can provide all of the emotional support she craves. Good luck to you!
Author CaliforniaGirl Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 (edited) Thanks, OhMittens and Mauschen! I don't know whether I can really talk about this yet. I'm just crying these past few days thinking about it all. I'm not sure why I'm willing to do the 50% custody thing. I guess because I don't want to rip the children away from my H. And also because I think it's me, specifically, that sets him off. He certainly seems to give me the vast majority of the brunt of his anger/upset/disappointment/annoyance/insert_negative_feeling_here. My staying home wasn't necessarily our joint decision...I'm really home because of our special-needs son and the bajillion programs he had that required constant shuffling to and fro from one place to another, the many doctor visits and the difficulty of finding daycare for an autistic person. I do work from home but H does not respect me at all now that I'm not making a full salary, and he has very, very obviously felt like this for years. We've had our share of problems and I have blown up at him many times for not being there, for never being part of our special needs child's problems, ALL of that is on me, 100% of the time. For never helping inside the house, and I do mean never. (But he does the lawn so he thinks between that and his job + commute, he has the bulk of the work, so he resents that too.) And if I ask him to do anything I *can't* do -- like fixing the computer, or a plumbing problem (I'm not allowed to just automatically call the plumber, etc. b/c that would be me "wasting money" and "being careless") -- his resentment SKYROCKETS. He slams around, gives me the silent treatment for days, refuses to say hello or goodbye, etc. I keep a VERY neat house, keep every appointment, work (freelance) and take care of the children but he still resents and hates it. He hates the most when I need him to do "masculine" things. I don't know how to explain it any better than that. I can do so many things. Seriously so many things. And I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty. (In six years this man has never once brought a garbage can to the curb for pickup -- that's my job. I've dragged old computers out there, tables, big bulky things. If I were to ask him to help he'd "punish" me with even more silence and neglect and dirty looks than usual.) I think that's all I can say right now. I just feel the tears coming. I have felt hated, unloved, unsexy and unwanted for so many years, but particularly these past six years since we moved. The constant, and I mean constant "disapproving" look and silence have worn me down...I can't live like this any more...I have a grinding in my stomach 24/7. Sometimes I wonder if he just keeps that look on his face to keep me on my toes or something; I mean maybe *nothing's* wrong 50% of that time but...I would never know b/c he won't tell me. He's having more fun watching me squirm a hundred times a day. ETA: Oh, and when I do ask him if something is wrong, no matter how quietly or meekly I do it (I am by no means always a meek person, but in recent years I've started to REALLY be afraid to bring anything up to H), he will tell me I'm focusing on myself, am a narcissist, have a personality disorder and that's why I "believe" he's angry. Last night he claimed I'd "get mad" if he ever told me what was wrong. What a crock. He plays that game too. The "I'm such a nice guy, you're such a mean woman" thing. It's...weird. I'm the one who keeps a smile on, who keeps things snappy-happy w/his family, etc. at gatherings (b/c he always has a puss on there, too)...of course when I do that he revels in telling me how "fake" and "phony" I am. He hasn't just fallen out of love with me, he hates me. It's a terrible feeling. Yes, I've asked, even begged for us to go to counseling. We went just once, years ago and he stormed that the therapist was on my "side" and refused to ever go again. Even so I've been begging all the years since and it is still always "no." Okay, so...thanks for the advice...can I open an account without him knowing?? I mean I can look that up myself and I guess maybe I should...maybe I'm just looking for people to talk to. Thanks again. Edited June 21, 2011 by CaliforniaGirl
Author CaliforniaGirl Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 (edited) Oh, also...I think he's always resented me for "making" him have our middle son (the one with autism). When we married, he was 4 years younger than I, and had no children but wanted them "in the future". I had a fertility scare (long story) and I told him we'd have to have a baby sooner rather than later -- I was already 35. (I also already had a son, who now is 25.) He kept telling me it wasn't time yet and we got into major arguments about it because I felt he was being unfair since it was my body that was going to have to go through all this and I was on limited time, and *he* was the one who had never had a baby, not I. I was so afraid of birth defects, etc. the older I got. But I didn't know what to do. What if we put it off, we tried when I was 40 (oh God...just the thought...I mean I was tired enough as it was being pregnant at 36 and 39) and I couldn't have a baby? He could easily leave me for someone who could. I was very scared of that and he sensed no urgency. In the end he "gave in" and we had a baby and that baby had special needs. I'm about 90% sure that he resents me for that and will never forgive me. He wanted at least one child, he *knew* he wanted children but because it wasn't on his timing exactly (due to my body), I think he feels I am to blame for our son's condition. (Hard to explain; just a feeling I get and yes, I know it's illogical.) And then of course, because of that condition I couldn't work f/t so that situation is my fault too...and on and on and on. So as I said, I feel I'm the root of his anger. But he doesn't ever want to get over that anger so what on earth can I do??? You know? Okay, he's angry. He hates me. I'm not being melodramatic, you'd have to have one hate-look from this guy to know. I literally feel it physically. He hates me, fine. Why can't we break up then? But when I tell him I want a divorce he screams & threatens me, he'll take the kids from me, etc. It is a horrible way to live. I just don't know what else to say...there's so much more but I can't right now...I have spilled so much so I better quit it now! Thanks for reading. Edited June 21, 2011 by CaliforniaGirl
carhill Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 How do people in this situation pay to retain attorneys? Credit card, presuming you don't have cash, and the lawyer takes them. The law firm I engaged does and I got a free airline ticket out of all the legal advice I got from them. All monies earned during the marriage, no matter who earned them, are joint marital property; same with debts. Wrt the house, if it is a net positive asset (many aren't these days) and purchased since marrying, it's OK when you separate to move into an apartment with the children, since you're the historical primary parent. It won't affect your property rights and shouldn't affect custody in most cases. Your lawyer can advise further on your options regarding separation and living separately. You can also physically separate while still cohabiting with a formal declaration of separation. I live in Cali, am recently divorced and my exW and I used a combination of paid legal help and courthouse self-help to divorce. The significant difference is we had no children. That's a biggie. My advice is to work out a plan, with legal help, prior to starting the process. Decisions you make now can't easily be undone later.
Author CaliforniaGirl Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Good info, Carhill, thank you so much. Is that you in the little-boy picture? So cute!
Steen719 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Wow, what a horrible existence to live every day with someone who you feel hates you and you are afraid to talk. I am so sorry for your situation. Now..it is time to do something. 1. Go to the bank and open an account only in your name...or if you trust your 25 year old (not saying you should not..just do not know that situation), put he/she on the account with you in case there is a future need for someone else to access it (infirmity, accident..etc.). If you have direct deposit for your salary, have it go directly there. Ask the bank how to do that. He does not have to know that the bank account is open. Who pays the bills? 2. Go to a counselor immediately, without him, since he is not willing to go. You must do this soon to get some perspective on this toxic situation. 3. Google legal aid in your area and call them first to get their guidelines on whether you qualify for help. You need to discuss things such as custody (I am wondering whether your H will even want 50% custody of your special needs child he has no participation with..not trying to be hurtful, but just wondering), spousal support, child support. If you are not eligible, as for advice on what you need to do in terms of getting some legal help. You may also want to ask them if there is legal help for abused women that you can access. 4. Talk to friends or family about this and get some support for yourself as soon as possible. 5. Start checking to see what jobs might be out there. Work on your resume and put feelers out. Open an new email account (gmail is free)that he will not be able to access so that any responses to any of your job feelers can go there. Also, use this email address for banking, questions to legal aid, etc. and anything else you are doing without him. 6. Every time you get off of the computer, clear your history. If you do not know how to do this..go to Tools (this is Mozilla & Internet Explorer) and on Mozilla...click Clear Recent History and on Internet Explorer Delete Browsing History so that he does not see what you are doing. Do these things as soon as you can. Good luck to you and keep your chin up. Big Hugs to you.
Mauschen Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Thank you for providing more detail about your marriage. If I were you, I'd really reconsider the 50/50 custody idea you have. Your husband does not seem like a capable parent as you describe him, and your children will suffer if they are with him 50% of the time. In my original divorce decree, I agreed to 4 days with me/3 days with the ex schedule, which I agreed to at the time because I was scared of the ex's reaction if I went for full physical custody of the children. Now I am in a custody battle with him because he neglects them, abuses them verbally and physically, and doesn't want to pay child support. Please don't be afraid of your husband in your case, and please do what is best for your children. They won't be "ripped" from him - he will still have access to see them if he wants to. As for planning. Yes, you can open your own bank account. You can also file for child support once you separate. If you want to be the custodial parent, document how much time you spend with your kids and how much time he spends, get their medical records (they should show who takes them to the doctor), and make a case for yourself about why you should be the custodial parent. I think you're putting too much blame on yourself for setting off your husband. Everyone is responsible for their own actions, and your husband is responsible for his actions and the way he treats you. I've been through a terrible marriage where my ex told me similar things to what your husband is telling you - I also had a "personality disorder" if I couldn't see his point of view, he wouldn't go to a therapist with me (as yours won't), did nothing around the house (as yours doesn't), and other similar things. When you're in that situation, it is easy to blame yourself for "making" your husband that way, but in time, you'll see that it is his choice to behave the way he does. After I finally left my ex, he verbally attacked me with statements like, "no man is going to want a used up woman with 2 kids" and "now you get to see what it's like to be a single mother, you whore", etc. So these statements scared me a lot - I thought I would never recover. And he also threatened me financially, telling me that he'd spend every penny we had before he'd give me any money. I was terrified of him. But, I survived, and I have money (at least some), and being a single mother was WAY better than putting up with my ex's behavior on a daily basis. What a total relief! I am not usually an advocate of divorce, but to live in a marriage where your partner treats you like garbage is not acceptable. If you've offered marriage counseling and he has declined, then what? It sounds like he just isn't interested in having a satisfying relationship with you. Good luck to you!
carhill Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Good info, Carhill, thank you so much. Is that you in the little-boy picture? So cute! Yes, that's me on my second birthday. I'll also echo the advice on counseling. I spend nearly as much on counseling as I did on lawyer's fees and consider the counseling to have been by far the best investment in both the marriage and divorce. It can help one process the realities in a healthier way; a process which pays further dividends when children are involved. Generally, interviews with lawyers are free. I generally got an hour to 90 minutes where I assessed their competence and familiarity with the particulars of our divorce and received an overview of their plan of action. Also, each lawyer you interview will generally exclude themselves as a potential advocate for your H, due to conflict of interest. There are strategies for this, depending on circumstances. I'd meet with a lawyer (or a few) first and get a sense of next steps. The lawyer will advise on financial/custody/property matters and steps to protect your interests and the best interests of the children. Lastly, look into mediation and discuss it with your H at the appropriate time. Mediation saved us a bucketload of cash. IMO, it was counseling and mediation which allowed both my exW and I to continue our lives without substantial interruption or poverty, simply because we saved thousands on legal/accounting fees and court costs, as well as the attendant emotional costs. Final advice. One day at a time. Do one positive thing today and call it a good day.
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