She's moving out, I'm moving back in!

[debtman]

If you don't feel like going back to read my whole story, here's the quick overview.

 

Married 6 years, together for 10, 2 young kids. She met OM in early Oct. (had me check him out first before going "biking" with him, which she never did), 2 weeks later, after going on several "dates" with him, told me our marriage was over and our personalities weren't compatible, she said it had nothing to do with OM. She had EA with him until 2 weeks after I moved out (early Nov.) and moved in with my parents, then it became PA.

 

We went to mediation, I've been very calm and rational for the sake of the kids, I'm 180, moving on with my life, have gotten past much of the emotional stress and betrayal. I see the kids 2-3 days/week, have had them all except 3 weekends since Oct. and talk with them every day.

 

Even went out on a few very casual dates, which went well, to make sure that I could still do that. Certainly not looking for another relationship for quite some time, but wanted to test the waters.

 

At first, she wanted to keep the house, then she discovered she couldn't handle it (it's an older, fixer-upper that I've done 95% of the work on), so she started looking for another place. She was going to have OM move in with her to see if they were "compatible" to live together so they could decide if they wanted to buy a house together, but, he is still married, his wife has been fighting him to sign the separation agreement and she's trying to turn his 10 and 12 year old kids against him. She recently tried to charge him with inappropriately touching his daughter to keep him from seeing the kids.

 

Anyway, she decided to not wait for him to solve things with his W, so she found a rental house to move into for a year with the kids. It's in the school district, it's close to my house and it will be easier to spend time with the kids.

 

So, last night she tells me that she's going to rent a moving truck the last weekend of Feb. and will probably need some help moving the bigger furniture. I didn't say anything when she said that because all I could think of was "Why isn't the OM helping you move?" Must be his weekend with his kids...

 

So, in an effort to get her out of the house and get myself back into it, I'm thinking I'll go ahead and help her move the big stuff out so I can get back into MY house!

 

Thoughts??

 

Oh, and another interesting thing, the OM's W contacted my W to see if she wanted to get together for coffee sometime. My W hadn't talked with OM about it, but said that she felt that OMW was "extending an olive branch" and she thought she should take it. Sounds like too much drama to me.

 

I'm trying to keep as LC as possible with her, but she always tries to pull me into conversations whenever I go over to pick up/drop off the kids. She is very chatty and likes to tell me all about what's going on with OM (so I can keep an eye on the kids to be aware of any effect things are having on them).

 

She so wants to be friends with me, but, I keep remembering some good advice I got, "there is a big difference between being friendly and being friends." I try to be as friendly as I can with her to keep things pleasant, but I will never be friends with her again.

 

She was telling me last night that she knows how "hard it must be to not see the kids every day" and how unpleasant it must have been to have to live with my parents the past few months, but "soon you'll be back in here and things will be back to normal." Whatever...

 

Anyway, all in all, life is a wonderful thing. My time with my kids is better quality time than ever, I'll soon be moving back into my house, with my dog and cat, and all my wonderful neighbors, etc.

[PegNosePete]

I didn't say anything when she said that because all I could think of was "Why isn't the OM helping you move?"

Valid question. I would say this to her. Only, phrase it as a statement not a question. ie, "If you need help moving large items then ask OM" ... or use a proper removals company instead of a van rental company!

 

She so wants to be friends with me, but, I keep remembering some good advice I got, "there is a big difference between being friendly and being friends." I try to be as friendly as I can with her to keep things pleasant, but I will never be friends with her again.

Yep, exactly right. Helping someone move, is something a friend would do.

If you help her it well seal her opinion that you are her friend and she can call on you for help whenever she needs... aka doormat.

[hopesndreams]

So, last night she tells me that she's going to rent a moving truck the last weekend of Feb. and will probably need some help moving the bigger furniture. I didn't say anything when she said that because all I could think of was "Why isn't the OM helping you move?" Must be his weekend with his kids...

 

Don't fall for this. Renting a moving truck is much cheaper than a moving company and she could find someone to help her move "the big stuff" by looking at employment wanted ads on sites all over the internet. She could pay $15 an hour for some muscle, right? She's found another way to use you, that's all.

[2.50 a gallon]

It runs against the grain to help a WS, but on the other hand, sometimes you have to dance with the devil to reach your goals. Your goal is to get your house back, and not get her back, so I think that I would give her a hand. Also, at the same time, by being there, you can have some input as to what she takes and doesn't take

 

Alas, because of the kids she will be a part of your life for several years, and you will have to be friendly, but not friends.

.

[hopesndreams]

Anyway, all in all, life is a wonderful thing. My time with my kids is better quality time than ever, I'll soon be moving back into my house, with my dog and cat, and all my wonderful neighbors, etc.

 

I'm happy for ya. Good to hear the OM isn't moving into your house.

[debtman]

I'm happy for ya. Good to hear the OM isn't moving into your house.

 

Yeah, a few months ago he was going to move in and she wanted me to finish the bathroom remodel and put in the extra toilet so his kids would have a bathroom to use when they stayed over...SOOO glad that didn't happen because I was very conflicted about doing that and it was becoming an issue between us.

 

Bad enough he's been sleeping over there for the past 3 months, but she's taking all the furniture, so I don't have to spend any time thinking about sleeping on the same bed they were on. And, I've got a beautiful queen bed in my parents basement and my brother-in-law is upgrading his furniture at his house and wants to give me all his old furniture.

 

I don't want to help her move, because I don't want her to feel like I'm "there" for her anymore. But, I want her to move because I want to move back in. She has alienated everyone she knew here (all of my friends), so she has no one that can help besides OM and, if she has to spend more $ to pay someone else to help her, that only makes things more difficult on the kids.

 

I won't help unless she asks me directly. It's a weekend that I have the kids, so I'm sure I'll have plans most of the day, but, if I can help her for 30 minutes and get the big stuff loaded up and moved over, it will be worth it to be able to move my stuff in the following week. I've had about 20 people offer to help me move my stuff. And my neighbors want to have a "welcome back to the neighborhood" party for me.

 

Also, good point 2.50 about being able to keep an eye on what she takes. We're pretty clear about stuff, but I'd rather be sure.

 

Thanks for all the advice. I will not be a doormat, but I want her OUT of my house. I see this as one of the last things I will have to do for "her" and, in the future, will limit things to what will help the kids. She made the choice to end our marriage and our relationship, thinking we could remain friends. She will have to live with her choice from here on out.

 

I want things to remain pleasant between us so that a year and a half from now, when our son starts school we can split time more evenly (week on, week off) since we'll both be in the school district, they can take the bus to either house, etc. Maybe, once things are more even time-wise, she'll consider re-calculating child support as well. I have no problem paying it, but feel that, if I have the kids for equal time, I should only have to pay her enough to make up for the difference in our income.

 

NY is NOT the place to get divorced if you're a guy.

[What_Next]

I am so hapy for you debtman. Just think some day when you meet a new woman (and you will, you know you will) you'll be able to hold your head high because you know you acted with grace.

 

Good on you. You have handled this situation like a true man in every sense of the word. I wish you continued health, and happiness. Your wife, well I don't wish the same...

 

Good on ya!

[debtman]

WN, thanks, means a lot coming from you. Been following your situation, advice and insight and it has been helpful and inspirational the past few months and don't know that I'd have gotten through things as well without the LS community (and my friends & family).

 

Not looking to find another woman until I finish the emotional healing that I need to do in order to avoid a rebound situation, but, I'm hoping that when I do (and I know I will) I'll be able to take what I've learned from this relationship into the next one and make it work...long term.

 

I know you're still working on things and I know it's not easy. It's never easy to know what the right decision is, so, in my case, I guess I'm lucky that she made the decision for me and I just have to overcome the obstacles that it created in my life. But, every challenge is an opportunity and life is amazing.

 

Thanks and good luck!

[worldgonewrong]

You're a class act, debtman.

 

Way to keep grounded and dignified amidst all of this sad, sad bullsh*t.

 

A lot of us men can learn from you.

[starting2wakeup]

debtman, I can't begin to tell you how I happy I am for you. I know you have been looking forward to getting back into your own home for some time. Glad to hear that things are working out in your favor. As for whether or not to help her move, I'm sure you will make the right decision, though the more I think about it, you may want to help if for no other than reason than to make sure she has no excuse to come back. She can't claim to have left something if you were there to ensure that all of her belongs were moved out. Just a thought.

 

All the best debtman. Let us know when your back in your own house so we can all celebrate with you!

[debtman]

wgw, thanks to you as well. It still hurts a lot sometimes, but those times are getting fewer and fewer and the times I feel happier are getting more and more frequent. All I can say to those who are fresher into this is that it does get better. I'm happier with who I am than I was 5 months ago, before this all started. I think I'm a better dad and I have a better relationship with my kids and we talk about more stuff. Real stuff, that matters to them and me.

 

Still hard dealing with the W, but I feel more sadness for her because she's thrown all of her "eggs" in one basket. She's not making any changes in who she is or addressing any of the issues that caused problems in our relationship, so she's just carrying those into her new relationship. Her new relationship that is filled with so much drama and so many pitfalls that I don't envy her situation in the least.

 

When I called to talk to the kids tonight she got on the phone afterward and told me that she understood why I had lied to her about my debt (which happened 3 years ago, all in my first post, was the first time she wanted to D me and it took me 8 months of living together - while she was "moving on" - me fighting for the marriage, going to counseling, debtors anonymous and paying off debt - now down to $10k from $40k in 2 1/2 years - before she told me we could "work" on the marriage) and said that she was sorry for the way she had reacted and that she shouldn't have treated me like that.

 

I was stunned that she wanted to apologize for the way she had acted 3 years ago and didn't mention anything about the way she acted 4 months ago. I think she only ever apologized to me once in our relationship or admitted fault for anything, so I don't ever expect to hear any regrets over the decision to end our M. She's sent me so many nasty emails outlining every difficulty and disparity (real or perceived) in our relationship I'm sure she's completely convinced herself she's made the right decision. But it was very strange.

 

I just told her that what I had done way back then was still wrong and the only thing we can do in life is to try to learn from our mistakes and not repeat them.

 

lol...sorry this turned into such a long reply, and thanks again for the nice words. It's all about the kids. If it weren't for them, I would have probably gone the nasty mean lawyer route, or, I would have just walked away and never looked back to see her again. Sometimes I think that would have been much easier, but, she is still the mother of my kids. And they do need a mother. And, for their sake, I hope her new relationship works out, although, it doesn't seem too likely.

 

The key is to take the positive things away. I learned many things from this marriage. Many things to NOT do next time. Many things to not take for granted. And many things that are worth standing up for.

 

Good luck and keep posting. This board has some amazing people, incredible stories and priceless advice.

[debtman]

debtman, I can't begin to tell you how I happy I am for you. I know you have been looking forward to getting back into your own home for some time. Glad to hear that things are working out in your favor. As for whether or not to help her move, I'm sure you will make the right decision, though the more I think about it, you may want to help if for no other than reason than to make sure she has no excuse to come back. She can't claim to have left something if you were there to ensure that all of her belongs were moved out. Just a thought.

 

All the best debtman. Let us know when your back in your own house so we can all celebrate with you!

 

Thanks s2wu! My neighbors already told me they wanted to throw me a "Welcome back to the neighborhood" party and I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be a wonderful thing. Will be more difficult financially since I'll have to pay child support, mortgage and debt payment (since, up until now, the child support was covering the mortgage since she was living there), but, I've only got 14 more months on the debt plan and I can live REALLY lean until then and take every freelance job I can get my hands on. I could come off the plan if I really have to, but I've worked too long and too hard to quit now, whatever obstacles are thrown at me.

 

Good point on the move. Plus, if I'm there, I can make sure she leaves half of the kids clothes, toys, books, etc. like we had agreed on, so that they have stuff at both houses.

 

And my dog won't have to live on the porch anymore, or be on a leash every time he goes outside...it's going to be a fabulous year.