Pregnant and wanting to leave..

[littlefoot]

Hi,

 

I am new here and this is my first post..please be gentle! I have been with my husband for 13 years on and off (off only due to my moving 26 hours away by car for 6 years) and married for almost 3 years. We have one child together and one on the way.

 

We have had our issues, but since getting pregnant with our second (unplanned) we have fallen almost completely apart. First off our first child was born 17 weeks early, very premature. This pregnancy is high risk due to that. We have also suffered losses in the past. Before getting pregnant I told my husband while I would always be pro-choice..I would never get an abortion myself and to never ask that of me. What happens when I get pregnant? He basically logs a full fledged "you must get an abortion" war against me, in the most hurtful manner he can.

 

I refuse and we try to move on. He gets on board with the pregnancy slowly but everything else falls apart...quickly. We both have tempers, we are both in counseling together and apart to work on our marriage. He went to anger management/emotional abuse like group as well. We are both guilty of name calling, while I use petty things like "you're fat" or "you're an ass___" my husband resorts to things closer to home. Things like "you are a horrible mother", "you will be on welfare if you leave me" and such. He claims what he says in anger has no truth to it, and yet its always the same things.

 

He recently confessed that he says the bad mother thing because I was sick a lot after our son was home from the NICU, which is true. I had my gallbladder removed, pumped breast milk for 18 months which lower my immune system drastically and I ended up with pneumonia and then got some crazy food poisoning from meat...something I dont even EAT! He acts like I was lazing around the house with a cold, the fact of the matter is? I was still almost fully caring for our son when all this happened and yet he thinks it means I could not hold down a job.

 

I am a stay at home mom, my husband works from home and is self employed. He is sole provider. I worked for seven years in the same job before this. He finally retorts his bad mother claims, because he never thought of it that way...

 

We both have our issues..but his anger and emotional abuse are truly ending our relationship, not to mention the fact he has lied on two different occasions (both while I was or am currently pregnant) about watching porn. I cannot lie, I was hurt he watched it but I get it too. I was more hurt it took my asking more than once to get the truth out of him, and after the first time he said he wouldn't do it. And again we are back here..pregnant (high risk and not allowed to have sex!) and he is lying about watching porn.

 

I cannot deny the fact my heart was utterly broken when his man I love and trusted asked me to abort our baby, after promising we would not go down that path. While I understand his reasons (money mostly) his approach was awful. I have been unable to be happy about this pregnancy because of it, and because there has been nothing but issues through out it.

 

As I said I am high risk, and have bleeding issues..and threat of premature labor again. My husband acts a good game when the doctor is around, but not even a week ago he was mad and giving me grief for not wanting to carry a load of laundry downstairs to the laundry room in our apt building. He didn't think my cleaning the house and watching our son, was that big of a deal even though a week before the doctor told me to take it easy due to the bleeding. And if I bleed, to rest. I told him I was unable to carry it, and he freaked out. Though denies he freaked out, he claims he just didn't understand I was saying I couldn't do it.

 

I swear its always something, he complains I never ask for help...when I do? I get in trouble too. He says I never talk to him about how I feel, when I do? He tells me I am crazy or how wrong my feelings are. He never validates anything I say, Im certainly NOT looking for a "yes" man..but I can never say anything right or to this man's liking. I feel every day if I am not inside his box, then I am not good enough. Every thing must be just so with him.

 

He is right I do not talk to him about how I feel, I wish I could but I have learned that my feelings and thoughts are not safe with him. He either makes me feel stupid, bad or some how wrong for how I feel. He called me a misery person not long ago because I don't mind spending time by myself or just with our son. Our son's health is tricky so I must spend a lot of time without the company of other moms...that's ok by me. But my husband thinks this means I am miserable, a miserable human being. He never stopped to ask if I was HAPPY with who I am and how I am. He just labeled me like he does everything "outside his box".

 

Things have begun to cross the line into physically abusive as well, pushing and arm grabbing mostly...enough force used to leave bruises and marks.

 

He is also very quick to frustrate with our son, our son will not rock to sleep with him and when my husband asks for my advice in it. I tell him he needs to chill out because his frustration is just feeding into our son's...he refuses to listen, he just gives up. He just cannot control himself.

 

My husband also has the power trip of being the sole provider going on too, where he likes to claim every thing as "his". Though when in a good calm mood, he says I do tons around the house and provide in some ways more than he does. When we fight everything is "his", it's "his" house because he put down the downpayment (though it was my co-sign that got it approved!), he pays for everything so it's all his. My "job" means zero to him and never has, unless he is calm.

 

I am not by any means saying I am perfect, I am certainly not! But what I see in myself and what he might see are totally different and therefore I think not likely helpful. I will say I can be childish, bitter, cold and hurtful. I know this, I try very hard to control myself. I have come a very long way since having a child, to keep my "adult" front and center. We do not fight in front of our son, though we have raised voices in front of him...but a small handful of times.

 

I want to fix the relationship, I want to let go of my deep hurt over his actions lately...but I am not sure I can. I keep thinking I have these beautiful kids, I don't need him. I am scared that I am staying because I am scared to leave and be a single mom...a pregnant single mom, with one on the way. I am unsure how to suss out if this is how I feel or not?

 

I do know when I think about us ending it hurts, but that OMG feeling of this cannot happen is not there anymore. I keep thinking life is too short to be this unhappy. But then I think you also spent six years pining after him when I moved away, and was even in another relationship...Ive loved this man for 13 years. I knew from the get go I wanted to marry him. But something has changed.

 

I swear I sit beside him and I want to reach out to him and just hold him, but I am so hurt and so angry inside I cannot. How screwed up is that?!

 

Thanks for reading this novel!

[bluebirdsfly]

Hi Littlefoot,

 

Please don't take my words the wrong way, I'm saying this out of pure sincerity and concern. I don't think it's a good idea to have a baby in your health condition. It's not fair to either you or the baby. What if your condition worsens? You won't be able to take care the babies you love(and probably two premature babies), and they would not grow up happily if their mother is always in the torture of some ailment. They will feel guilty. You have to make sure you are healthy first and then the babies. I think your husband's objection comes from the same reason. He cares about you.

 

To be honest with yourself, do you want a family that is always in the shadow of some health concerns? Premature babies have much higher risks with physical and mental complications. Even if you are OK spending time on your son's tricky health, do you think it is fair for these little souls to suffer from the beginning of their life? That 's selfish in a way.

 

Your husband doesn't know how to manage his anger and frustration, but I'm sure that he cares about his family. And to be honest I would feel frustrated too if my wife's health/ life is in danger and she refuses to compromise. It's like watching my wife abusing herself!

 

Believe me, if there are some serious health conditions in the family, it won't be a happy family. When a person is suffering from some condition, he won't be able to give his family the attention as much as he should and in the long run, it will create an emotional imbalance. We need to take care of ourselves, then others.

 

I'm sorry to be blunt. I just want you to put your health as the first priority. because your kids won't be happy if their mother is ill, and you won't be able to give them the love they deserve.

 

Take care!

[littlefoot]

I think you misunderstood...I am not in poor health anymore. There was just a 3 month period where I had all those things...they are not ongoing issues! I am perfectly healthy right now, other than being in a high risk pregnancy.

 

I get the feeling you are suggesting I not have this baby I am already half way through my pregnancy with! And or that because of prematurity that my son is suffering? Let me explain, while my son's health is tricky..he is NO WAY suffering! I basically (like most premature parents) keep him away from sick people (people with the flu or colds) to keep him healthy until he is bigger and stronger (older).

 

I do appreciate your reply, but you misunderstood completely and have made some comments that sort of concern me and offend. I know the internet is notorious for not portraying emotion or intent behind words..because they are just words on the screen...So I am going to hope you were not suggesting I abort the baby...and or that I am being cruel to my son for letting him live.

[littlefoot]

Thanks LadyGrey...(do you play Fable by any chance? Just asking due to screenname..). I was hoping I was not reading too much into Bluebird's post..

 

I am being careful, I have been in a very very physically abusive relationship before. I know what to watch for and such, and while my husband is crossing a line...he is also fully aware and trying to change.

[bluebirdsfly]

I'm sorry Littlefoot, I misunderstood your health condition, since it's not clarified in the post that you are fine now. And my words were based on the misunderstanding of your current health.

 

Ladygrey, I'm sorry, but if a mother's life is in danger in order to keep the baby, I don't think it's fair for anybody. Not for the mother, not for the baby, nor for the family. Do you sincerely think it's fair for her son if she endangers herself? I'm not here to argue, but especially when you already get a child, it's your responsibility to take care of yourself. Again, when I wrote the reply, we didn't know that she's healthy now.

 

My apologies.

[bluebirdsfly]

And if you live in the US, you could start by calling 24 hr National Hotline for Domestic Violence 1-800-799-7233, when you husband is not home.

 

A friend of mine who has been emotionally abused by her husband and wants a divorce, she called this hotline and the counselor really helped her clear her head and connect to many local resources to help her get started to the divorce process, i.e. counseling, free legal service, shelters, etc.

 

!IMPORTANT!: after you call that number, erase it from your phone record, and dial another random number (like a grocery story), so your husband won't find out and harm you.

[littlefoot]

Thanks Bluebird, but I am in Canada. Anyways, sorry about the misunderstanding..I just assumed every one would know that pneumonia and food poisoning do not last forever. Or was it the bleeding issue that got to you? Sorry again, I assumed people reading would just understand that as a complication of pregnancy.

[sb129]

Do you have anyone who you can ask for support? Or someone that you can stay with so you can get the rest you need? Do you have family nearby?

 

I don't think your H is going to suddenly change and become more supportive any time soon.

When the new baby comes, you are going to need more support than you do now.

 

I am so sorry you are in this situation.

[littlefoot]

Do you have anyone who you can ask for support? Or someone that you can stay with so you can get the rest you need? Do you have family nearby?

 

I don't think your H is going to suddenly change and become more supportive any time soon.

When the new baby comes, you are going to need more support than you do now.

 

I am so sorry you are in this situation.

 

I do, my parents live a few short blocks away. I have thought long and hard about telling my mom what is going on, but if I do...I fear she will never forgive my husband and if we stay together..well let's say she is older (80) and set in her ways, she holds grudges. It will forever mar their currently good relationship.

 

I don't really want to do that to either of them. Stupid I know, she's my mom...

 

I get support (emotional) from my friends and really close friends online...it's certainly NOT enough. I mean I can't even talk about baby names with my husband because I just keep thinking...wow you are the man that months ago was trying to convince me while I was in tears, how I needed to get an abortion.

 

The sad thing is? Even after all the extreme facts I put out there at him about why an abortion was not going to happen given my moral stance on it since having our son so early...but because it would further make our chances in the future of having a full term baby that much harder...he still pushed.

 

Don't get me wrong though, he is fully on board now. But its so, soooo hard to explain just how broken I feel inside over this. I am so excited about having this baby and I feel like the man I should be sharing that with is..gone..or something. But really he isnt!?

 

He is just clouded by all the anger, betrayal and hurt I feel towards him.

 

He sits now working in the other room, (our son's room no less...but our son sleeps with us still/his crib/toddler bed is in our room...the same room he had his porn fun in...eww right?) and I want to ask him to come out and just hang out with me. I want to tell him about how the baby is starting to kick and how excited I am to have found out they are likely a girl...but instead I am here. I am angry and can't let chit go. And its so easy (not that anyone has) but to say "just let it go"...but that is easier said than done!

 

Trust me, if I had a switch to just flip this all off...I would.

 

Sorry for ranting.

[sb129]

Have you thought about getting marriage counselling before the baby arrives?

 

It sounds like you guys need to talk through a mediator if you have any hope of making your relationship happy again.

[littlefoot]

That's just it...we have been going for months! It was one of my requests after he pushed me so hard I fell and broke our son's playpen..

 

Even she basically says it sounds over between us. She is sending my husband back to the same emotional abuse group he already went through..

[littlefoot]

Well he is out with friends tonight...good thing. But he is also not answering my texts saying I am having issues with the pregnancy...as in my water broke!

[tinktronik]

Well he is out with friends tonight...good thing. But he is also not answering my texts saying I am having issues with the pregnancy...as in my water broke!

 

OP Has your water broken? If so You need to go to hospital ASAP.

[sb129]

Oh I just read this- I hope LF is OK.