Want to Avoid Diviorce - Does Anger = He Still Cares?

[Yasuandio]

If the person you are separated continues to display angry, and make bitter over 2 years of separation, does it mean he still cares? Mind you, there is a particular self rightiousness that colors the anger, as the obvious conclusion is that his hands are not clean in many ways. I have learned a lot during this time. I can reallly see clearly where I could have made improvements in the marriage, still could. I actually want to save the marriage now. We are in a bit of a tiff right now and not speaking. He council wanted to depose me, so my council motioned for legal expenses, as well, she added contempt matters he had not addressed. He got angry at me for the latter. An expensive court date is now set for late January. I want to call him so bad. The last thing he said to me was ambivilent, and got me thinking that the divorce is a mistake. Those words were "well, we' gone this far, maybe we should just go through with it.". Or at least the denial in me saw some hope in that statement. He has no idea - we are at the beginning of this, even at two years due to his noncomplience in producing docs from our business. Before the Contempt thing came about, we could speak pretty well with each other. There is so much to lose here. I am so frightened. I look like a million bucks though. He looks terrible - and I feel for him, even though he was not very nice to me (but leaving that part out for now). So -- my question is, are bad feeling better than no feeling when you want a reconcilation? And what should I do. Been NC since his negative responce that he never wanted me to call again after receiving contempt. But gee wiz.. I wasn't exactly thrilled to be put on a depo calandar without warning.

[carhill]

Therein lies the value of mediation versus contested court action. IMO, he's angry at the process of divorce, not because he still 'cares' about you. I fail to see why, and I've seen so many examples of this over the decades, women think a man 'cares' if he's angry. It's the old cliche of negative attention being better than no attention. If he was calmly mediating and negotiating the process, that would tell you a lot about who he is rather than how he feels about you, but, then, you wouldn't be emotionally stimulated like anger stimulates and your feelings for him would be neutral to dismissive. You essentially would *presume* that he doesn't care because his behaviors are neutral.

 

I'm following a LS'ers case in this regard and it's being a great teacher about the psychology of *some* women.

 

BTW, I just went through a two year long divorce. Guess how things worked out...

 

I hope your divorce goes as smoothly as possible. IMO, the less rancor, the more opportunity for a 'new' relationship in the future, should that be something you both desire. This presumes your and his personalities don't thrive on drama. Everyone is different.

[Yasuandio]

Thank you so much for your perspective Carhill. We spent quite a bit of money on a 6 hour mediation. The mediator found our offer fair. We could hear the screaming and yelling down the hall. Meadiator was disgusted with their offer, which basically left me on the street without a car or home.

 

Acually, I am the one that you should think would be angry. But I am totally neutral and non-emotional in my projection and control. Yet, that is not how I feel. My feelings have moved from blaming all the problems on him to NOW seeing my role in contributing to the issues. Of course I have done a lot of reading and reseach to arrive at this conclusion.

 

I want to save the marriage and not ruin us - because as you say, there will be some

drama components to this. He is dead set on getting an issue out there that is not particularly helpful or relevant to his case.

 

You know it all comes down to business. I guess the best way we could have avoided this divorce is if my H d had not mistreated me, for so long. So Carhill, how did it turn out for you? Also, more about the *some* women thing.

[Yasuandio]

I do want to add that I made my apologies for my specific contribution to the separation, in a formal and heartfelt way. I am willing to take responsibilty for my portion of the downward spiral over the years. However, while he has engaged in equally, and far worse conduct - and has been a difficult (to put it mildly) person, if not somewhat mentally abusive -- it astounds me that he will take not one iota of responsibilty. He will acknowledge absolutely nill since this the separation. He has actually has rewritten history. I have forgiven him. But find this totally strange. For example, what finially began the separation was when he took our rental car and abanoned me in a foreign

country. I mean, you should try not do things like that to your wife, that's what got this party started. I forgive him for even things he is unwilling to take resonsibilty for. I guess that why I am not angry. I wish there was another chance. A do over. Anything. I admit that I am afraid of the uncertainty. I have an illness that has served me well in accomplishments during my lifetime (Ph.D., many publications, contributions). But under stress, bipolar is really problematic. Plus my age with this illlness is not much fun. But I am lucky to look younger than I am, and thank goodness I am nice and slim now. I gave outstanding service as a wife. I want my marriage back.

[Yasuandio]

Carhill, I read your post about defending alimony. For the majority of this marriage I brought in the top salary. After 22 years, we had the assets to milk to buy the business H wanted and I believed also equally contributed in the marital partnership. When I became too ill to teach in the university, I had private disability coverage. We used this $$$$ to also save for this very sucessful business. Now, it appears he does not want me, and the business is not anything I will ever comprehends (restaurant). His salary has multiplied by at least 4 or 5, plus the business makes money on top of that. How convienent the timing. Perhaps that gives you another take on alimony. My concern is what happens after alimony? And taxes eat up a portion of alimony. The outcome looks terrible no matter what.

[Yasuandio]

Therein lies the value of mediation versus contested court action. IMO, he's angry at the process of divorce, not because he still 'cares' about you. I fail to see why, and I've seen so many examples of this over the decades, women think a man 'cares' if he's angry. It's the old cliche of negative attention being better than no attention. If he was calmly mediating and negotiating the process, that would tell you a lot about who he is rather than how he feels about you, but, then, you wouldn't be emotionally stimulated like anger stimulates and your feelings for him would be neutral to dismissive. You essentially would *presume* that he doesn't care because his behaviors are neutral. Outstanding point! I did not realize this at all. But, in my case, you are dead accurate.

 

I'm following a LS'ers case in this regard and it's being a great teacher about the psychology of *some* women.

 

BTW, I just went through a two year long divorce. Guess how things worked out...

 

 

I hope your divorce goes as smoothly as possible. IMO, the less rancor, the more opportunity for a 'new' relationship in the future, should that be something you both desire. This presumes your and his personalities don't thrive on drama. Everyone is different.

 

Since yesterday, I have totally re-evaluated my siituation and position thanks to this post. Especially, the paragraph cited above, has really taught me something about myself and generalizations that are often made about gender. I stand corrected, and a much more informed individual thanks to Carhill's thoughtful and timely response. I feel somewhat ashamed at how whiny my posts of yesterday appear. Bravo!