uncool Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 (edited) 16years 4kids, I'm very easy going. Sexless marriage for most of that time. I desire close relationship with my wife. I want my wife to "crave" being with me. She doesn't like to be by me. She absolutely hates communicating or talking and gets upset and and throws mini-tantrums and little silent treatments if I try to talk to her or ask her to at least listen to me. She just can't stomach being by me. I have a strong labido. She doesn't. She hates going anywhere outside of the house or go any place fun. If we do ever sleep in the same bed she hugs the edge of it and lays with her back towards me. It really hurts me. She sleeps mostly on the couch now. So during the last dry spell, which has been the longest yet (6months w/out sex or any form of intimacy or affection) I ask her why she doesn't like to be by me. She says she doesn't know why. A month later I ask again and she finally says "I'm working on it" but won't tell me how. Another 3 months goes by and I finally start crumbling inside and speak to my local bishop (church clergy) about how I can't go on like this. He tells me he's already seeing her about it. I feel she's being a little sneaky but I'm excited she's doing something. Another 3 months go by and our bishop says to me "so she told you what was bothering her right?" I said nope. So he sends her to visit a relationship counselor by herself. At this point I have no idea whats going on or if she's talking to the counselor about how she hates me or is she talking about how to improve our marriage or what. Well one day while cleaning out her car for her.. I find a letter written to me by her that she's never bothered to give me. The letter is full of spite and hate. It mentions a dark time 12yrs ago where our youngest daughter was abused by my then teenage brother. That situation was fixed as he went through counseling and wrote a letter to her appologizing and asking for forgiveness. Her letter speaks how she hates my brother and my mother so much that she automatically hates me because of it. It spoke of how she couldn't trust me and how i didn't protect her or our children. It's not like I knew beforehand that a pedophile was in the family. There's nothing I could have done to prevent it. And how she doesn't communicate with me for all these years as a punishment to me because of it. And how she plans on leaving me as soon as our last kid is out of the house. I've been busting my butt the last year or so (before I found the letter) to spoil her rotten and try to form a bond between us by asking her on dates (which she blows me off), clean the house, help w/kids etc. I've never had sex on my wedding night or anniversary (which is today) and I always crave it.... it's just killing me. I haven't had sex so long I forget what it's like. Anyways she doesn't know I found the letter. I'm not sure if she wrote it years ago... or just recently because her councelor made her or what. I'm just saying that with $400 a month we spend on her counselor there's absolutely "no" improvement or light at the end of this relationship tunnel that I can see. She wont tell me what they talk about. I just tell her that I'm here for her if she needs me. She just rolls her eyes and says "oh thats nice". She's a "nice" person to be around and all her lady friends at church "rave" about what a great spiritual leader she is. (dr. jeckyl/mr. hyde) and how lucky I am to have her. (I say nothing) I'm just dying inside to have some sort of affection from her. A kiss a hug or something that says i'm cutting it as a husband. So I finally reached my thresh hold after I read the letter of her planning to leave me because of something I supposedly did or didn't do or say 13yrs ago. So last night I asked her that since she refuses to talk with me that I'd like her to at least listen to me. So I poured out my heart and told her how rejected I felt all this time and how she made me feel. As expected she wouldnt even look at me and was so uninterested that she fell a sleep what i was talking. So I went out looking at apartments today. Some of them have a month to month contract and look pretty good. Should I bail? do you think that would wake her up?... that I absolutely can not and will not put up with her evil behavior towards her loving husband anymore? I'm this close to signing my lease contract at the apartment just to try to cut the rejection in half and to possibly wake her up. So should I do it? Edited October 26, 2010 by uncool
Iconoclast Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 "I just tell her that I'm here for her if she needs me. She just rolls her eyes and says "oh thats nice". "As expected she wouldnt even look at me and was so uninterested that she fell a sleep what i was talking." Well, that's about my limit right there. She is either having an affair, or just doesn't want to be with you anymore. If you've exhausted your options, including asking her how she would go about repairing the marriage, well, guess i'd bail. I'd discreetly consult an attorney first to make sure that move doesn't screw you in a divorce.
that girl Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 do you think that would wake her up?... that I absolutely can not and will not put up with her evil behavior towards her loving husband anymore? You can't move out with the expectation that it will make her run after you. That isn't the likely answer. Your brother's pedophilia isn't your fault, but it isn't like she's mad at you for leaving the toilet seat up either. It is a major issue. Your daughter and the rest of your family will live with that forever. Since I think you do somewhat want to stay in the marriage, has couple's therapy ever been considered.
mitchell Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 You two need couples therapy. Your wife is dealing with the pain and anger from your brother's actions years ago. Quite frankly, your attitude about that situation shows a disappointing indifference and lack of caring. I don't know if you can salvage your marriage, but couples therapy would be your only hope to see if your wife has any desire to improve things. If she declines, I would move out and begin divorce proceedings.
2sure Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Oh, this is sad to me. And hard for you I know. Like you, I agree its a very good thing that your wife is seeking counseling for herself to address her own relationship issues in general. It concerns me when you describe her as kind of being dr.jeckyl/mr. hyde only because I know women like that ...everyone's best friend but close to no one. So, hopefully some if her issues are being at least...acknowledged in counseling. But the thing is...you are being affected, you are hurting deeply and this is a MARRIAGE problem. You two have to get some communication going. You should be in MC TOGETHER. And you should not budge on that, insist. I would do that before I would move out. Also, she wrote the letter. You read the letter. That bell has been rung. It may be the only solid and honest piece of communication between you and it HAS to be brought to the table. Avoiding it because its uncomfortable...is just a continuation of the poor communication between the two of you. I
Author uncool Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 Quite frankly, your attitude about that situation shows a disappointing indifference and lack of caring. can you please tell me how my attitude is disappointing and how you perceive me as not caring. I'm not trying to be rude.. as I care for my wife immensely. I'm just very interested in how you or others describe my reaction to my situation. I need someone to point out where I'm not acting appropriately ... so I'll know and perhaps be able to adjust accordingly
GorillaTheater Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 can you please tell me how my attitude is disappointing and how you perceive me as not caring. I'm not trying to be rude.. as I care for my wife immensely. I'm just very interested in how you or others describe my reaction to my situation. I need someone to point out where I'm not acting appropriately ... so I'll know and perhaps be able to adjust accordingly I didn't read it that way, if that helps. How's your daughter doing?
Author uncool Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 How's your daughter doing? thanks my daughter is 15 now and doubt she remembers anything because it happened when she was 2 or 3 and still in diapers (fondling ..no penetration)
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