Loneliness

[willowthewisp]

Does anyone else feel lonely?

 

I went to the school fair to sign up for a sports club I wanted to join this weekend and then I decided to go into the city to do a bit of shopping. It was whilst I was sat outside eating my take out lunch alone that it suddenly hit me that I really miss having someone who knows me inside out, we enjoys spending time with me and we wants to share life together.

 

I don't know why the thought had never crossed my mind before? Maybe because I have been so focused on trying to unravel why he left, but it suddenly hit me that I don't like this being alone. Family and friends are great but it just isn't the same as having someone who is completely for you, on your side, who loves you. Intimacy I guess.

 

It takes years to bulild that level of togetherness and he took it and threw it away without a second glance. What a waste.

[feelingfine]

Oh I know only too well exactly what you are talking about. It is so hard...seems like everyone you see is a couple which only reminds us how alone we really are. I wish I had some fantastic advice for you here...unfortunately I do not. I think time will help us to not feel that. We were a couple for so long that it is the un-coupeling that is the hardest.

 

I think as time has gone by and I have had some weekends to myself while the kids were with stbx it does get easier. Trying to enjoy the alone/me time.

 

Hang in there!

[GaSportsman]

I also know exactly how your feeling since she left ive been trying to understand it all and face the lonely empty feeling. I have bad days then worse days, everyone says time will help us to heal and let go I hope this is true.. Stay Strong and just keep getting out like you have been doing and Remember it cant get any worse.. GOD BLESS

[worlybear]

Yes I understand how you feel. It is really difficult to go back to being a "singleton" when you have been part of a couple for so long.

No magic formula- but as time passes I have made a conscious effort to go out and join new things. My latest venture is ballroom/salsa dancing and I'm pretty rubbish at it:o but....although I'm not likely to meet the new love of my life here, it IS fun and it's improving my confidence which took a tremendous knock.

I've also joined a "friends" web-site and had some nice evenings out, cinema,meals.

Bottom line though is that it will take me a lonnnnng time to ever trust another guy and if that means staying by myself then I guess I'll just have to live with it.

I do wish that it hadn't happened though.

One of the most difficult things is that my family and friends seem to feel that as its been 18months that I should somehow magically be able to forget everything of the last 27 years and be over it. I find it hard not to talk about how I still miss him and how sad I am that he's not seeing his daughter but bringing up someone else's instead..

Yes I know he's a loser but he was the other part of me for a long time.

(Sorry,didn't mean to high-jack your thread and I do think that joining new things is a positive way of building up your self-esteem.)

[You Go Girl]

Does anyone else feel lonely?

 

I went to the school fair to sign up for a sports club I wanted to join this weekend and then I decided to go into the city to do a bit of shopping. It was whilst I was sat outside eating my take out lunch alone that it suddenly hit me that I really miss having someone who knows me inside out, we enjoys spending time with me and we wants to share life together.

 

I don't know why the thought had never crossed my mind before? Maybe because I have been so focused on trying to unravel why he left, but it suddenly hit me that I don't like this being alone. Family and friends are great but it just isn't the same as having someone who is completely for you, on your side, who loves you. Intimacy I guess.

 

It takes years to bulild that level of togetherness and he took it and threw it away without a second glance. What a waste.

 

I think it's a sign, that it now crossed your mind whereas it didn't before. A sign that you are ready to start really meeting new men and finding one to open your heart to. I think recognizing that you are lonely, is a step in your healing and being ready to be with someone again. So it's not a bad thing, to the contrary.

Yeah, it does take a long time to build up photo albums of a past together, but I disagree that it takes years to build that level of togetherness. Why do I disagree? Because I think that if you know yourself, then you will also choose the type of man that fits you, and you will be much better at it than you were fumbling as a teenager through the nuances of emotional intimacy. I think as we gain wisdom with age (hopefully) and we're really looking for a nice fit, we find one, whereas when we were young we didn't know what we were looking for in a relationship or in another person overall. I think that level of togetherness can happen much more quickly.

Trust your instincts. You'll know the right man when you meet him. It will be much easier to recognize the type of man for you than when you were oblivious as a young person.

When people with a history meet someone and they feel like they have found a long lost friend, even though they never knew them before, and it's only been a few months, I think this is exactly what has happened: they have found a good fit. It's not a fairytale that's going to disappear like Cinderella's coach and dress, it's real, because the two mature adults know who they are.

[What_Next]

How I can understand this. Ironically enough it put me a bit of a crossroad recently. Now as strange as it might seem I have been feeling incredibly lonely since D-day. Despite the fact that I am living under the same roof as my STBX (I move on Friday), my child and my mother. The times when my phone isn't ringing or I am not doing some actively I instantly feel so lonely my heart aches.

 

What I realize is that I have been effectively alone in my marriage for years. That loneliness is overwhelming sometimes.

 

Now that loneliness is what allowed me to get out there even before I moved out and see what falls out of the tree. What fell out of the tree was someone I connected with by some miracle.

 

I think only once you face this loneliness head on can you really move forward with your new life.

 

Good luck and post here for strength.

[2.50 a gallon]

This is an excellent time to learn about yourself. Learn what it is like to live alone. Learn that you can survive by yourself and you don't need another in your life to live a happy life.

 

Then remember your lessons well, when somebody special does appear, so that you cherish almost each and every day.

[willowthewisp]

 

Then remember your lessons well, when somebody special does appear, so that you cherish almost each and every day.

 

I did! I cherished him every min of every day.

[tojaz]

Does anyone else feel lonely?

 

I went to the school fair to sign up for a sports club I wanted to join this weekend and then I decided to go into the city to do a bit of shopping. It was whilst I was sat outside eating my take out lunch alone that it suddenly hit me that I really miss having someone who knows me inside out, we enjoys spending time with me and we wants to share life together.

 

I don't know why the thought had never crossed my mind before? Maybe because I have been so focused on trying to unravel why he left, but it suddenly hit me that I don't like this being alone. Family and friends are great but it just isn't the same as having someone who is completely for you, on your side, who loves you. Intimacy I guess.

 

It takes years to bulild that level of togetherness and he took it and threw it away without a second glance. What a waste.

 

I was going to write a reply but found i couldn't say it any better then you already have.

 

TOJAZ

[carhill]

Yep, I used to feel lonely until I realized I had/have been alone the whole time anyway. Anything contrary to that belief/presumption was just a figment of my imagination, influenced by the perceptions of the moment. Seeing with clarity makes being alone a whole lot healthier and satisfying. In life we all get gifts. Sometimes it merely takes a change in perspective to recognize them.

[TimC-M8]

It takes years to bulild that level of togetherness and he took it and threw it away without a second glance. What a waste.

 

After 14 years, my stbx threw it away too. She was going to be one of the masters of the universe. Her "friends" had her all pumped up! She and our two young kids were to take on the world. Her reasons, and her friends' reasons, for leaving me were wildly insufficient, IMO, but she made her choice...

 

Took a few months, but she now realizes what she threw away. She hasn't told this to me, but I have my sources: the loneliness has hit her pretty hard. Seems her friends aren't as interested in talking about her relationship, or talking to her as often about anything for that matter, now that all the good gossip has dried up. Her sense of invincibility is drying up as well...

 

Good to know we're both suffering. For some reason, it actually helps.

[trippi1432]

Yep, I used to feel lonely until I realized I had/have been alone the whole time anyway. Anything contrary to that belief/presumption was just a figment of my imagination, influenced by the perceptions of the moment. Seeing with clarity makes being alone a whole lot healthier and satisfying. In life we all get gifts. Sometimes it merely takes a change in perspective to recognize them.

 

I can agree with you Carhill....up to a point....after having walked thru many years feeling alone, it's something I realized I never wanted to do. How do you get from being alone to feeling whole?

[skydiveaddict]

I can agree with you Carhill....up to a point....after having walked thru many years feeling alone, it's something I realized I never wanted to do. How do you get from being alone to feeling whole?

 

I don't think you can. Unless you are comfortable with it. Some people are, I guess. But I hate being alone.

[carhill]

How do you get from being alone to feeling whole?

 

IMO, each person's path is individual. I accept that I am alone, especially now with no family or wife, and that life path may indeed be my destiny. Anything else which comes my way is a gift. I find this acceptance causes me to feel less needy, less likely to seek or grab attention from friends, be less anxious on dates or in public in general, and overall feel a calm I never felt in younger years.

 

As a now long gone poster opined, I've failed miserably with women (I think disastrous was the word they used) and, in that failure, surprisingly, I've found peace. It's kind of like losing it all stripped away the layers obscuring the truth and gave me clearer vision of what I really had. I'm comfortable with that now, and with myself.

 

Oh, lastly, as much as my Siamese loves to talk, especially after feeding him, like right now, I can't say I'm completely alone. Guess I'll have to learn to speak Siamese

[2sure]

How do you get from being alone to feeling whole?

 

I have had periods of my life when loneliness was a big factor. During some of them I didnt even recognize it as loneliness probably because I was busy , surrounded by people , and did enjoy my own company . Still there was an underlying sadness that was loneliness.

 

I recognize my current loneliness as a result of my recent divorce from a partner I loved AND my previous natural inclination to withhold myself a bit from others - even good friends.

 

So, while I am sure my life will rebuild itself around the hole my divorce has left...in the meantime I am finding real wholeness and fulfillment from honestly and sincerely embracing the other people in my life that have always been there...but were kind of secondary. I am even finding some time to physically volunteer to some causes I used to write checks too. I know that sounds simplistic...but honestly its been a revelation to me that ...I am full of love and if I just give that up without fear, that I get it back in spades and that fills me up.

 

But sometimes, yeah...I'm struggling. I'm different now, my divorce and recent experience has changed ME. I am not as familiar with myself as I once was. So, sometimes when I'm alone that unfamiliarity with myself makes me almost...uncomfortable? Its loneliness. I am hoping as I learn more about who I am now, as I reconcile my experiences I will once more become comfortable enough to really and sincerely enjoy my own company again.

 

Because holy crap, I am not getting married again.

[What_Next]

carhill I admire your acceptance of your current situation and you seem at peace with it. You obviously are a person of inner strength and conviction.

 

I can also see what you are saying by stating that it helps you seem less needy etc.

 

2sure what you said also rings true for me. I have been reaching out to some old friends that I have largely ignored for many years and honestly it feels amazing.

 

Now I think a fear of being alone is what drove me initially to date so early. I also think it was mis-placed. Perhaps a need to validate my own self as someone that could indeed find a partner again. That was mis-directed. Now the irony is that in my mis-directed search fate may have thrown me a curveball and gave me something that appears real.

 

I do know deep down and I knew even on D-day that I did not want to be alone for long. Why? For me life is all too short to go through alone. Now I know many out there can find solice and self satisfaction in being by ones self and admire that, but it isn't for me.

 

2sure I do most 1000000000% agree with 1 aspect of your post, HECK NO when it comes to marriage. HECK NO. Been there, did that. WILL NOT do it again.

[carhill]

Here's a thought. On the day my mother died, a day where I truly could feel alone, I got two unsolicited and purely spontaneous phone calls, one from a lady here on LS and one from a good friend. Was I really alone? It's interesting how we define things. In the pure physical sense, being untouched, yes, alone. In the spiritual and emotional sense, less clear. I think this dynamic can be applied to other areas.

 

Also, how can one reconcile the comfort and peace of being alone with the open acceptance of the possibility of being married again, as I've often mentioned? I've heard statements to the reverse IRL, echoed in this thread, as 'I'll never get married again' implying a desire to avoid a legal committed companion relationship, but yet desirous of a companion. Perhaps that reconciliation process is similar, IDK. The mysteries of life

 

MC taught me to identify and face fears. Where does fear of being alone come from? Is loneliness a fear? A fear of lacking companionship? I've heard many women, mostly married women, tell me 'I can't be alone', and watching their subsequent actions has taught me that such perspectives are incompatible with my own. I'd prefer to share my life with, to be a companion to, a woman who is comfortable and happy being alone, at peace with her life path. For each of us, that dynamic is different.

[2sure]

Hmmm. When I say I'm never getting married again...I dont think its because I dont want the commitment or the risk...for me, I want to be happy regardless. I think its possible that for me, the right choice for me to be happy is to not have a partner. I have thought it before remarrying and its an idea I'm pretty comfortable with. I dont think I can really explore that and know for sure unless I embrace it as a choice. I am not closed to dating or companionship but I think those are great things even though they end or come to no forward result.

 

I really dont know.

[What_Next]

carhill, very good points. In my case I won't be "alone" in the sense of the word as you described it. I have friends, I have family all around me. I am blessed that way.

 

I also see your point in terms of saying it is odd for me to say I don't desire to be "alone" in the relationship sense, but I refuse to entertain the idea of re-marrying. Perhaps clarity on that issue will come with time. I do know right now my ability to think long term is gone. My only ability is to think one day at a time.

 

I suppose the conept of being alone needs to be further sub-divided into a relationship based alone and a human contact based alone. I actually desire to not be alone in either sense. The last few years of my marriage I was alone in the relationship sense and even to a degree in the human contact sense as she was. The irony being that we were in fact married. It has taken a seperation and eventual divorce to help me realize just how much I do not want to be alone.

 

Then again my emotions might change again as they are apto to do lately

[LoveAintEverything]

I always feel lonely, that is why I always go out, talk to people

[carlierae26]

I can relate to being lonely, but, I'm not much of a social person. Wish I knew how to go out and just talk with people. In reality, that's just not me. I miss having an adult to talk to.

[You Go Girl]

It seems there are so many layers of 'being alone' and being 'lonely'. Being alone was at first slightly scary, as I had never lived alone before. However I live in a very safe area, low crime, etc.

Then there's the my space factor (not the website). I awoke today, laid in bed thinking for awhile, got up and made coffee, went straight to my computer as usual. I'm playing music I like. There is peace in doing things my way, in my space.

But I also started a thread on here about lonely evenings. How depression came over me sometimes. Alone again, only the computer for a friend.

 

Here's my fear--(maybe some of you share it)--that I am too picky, demanding, my way or the highway, or some version of rigidness that won't allow me to succeed with a partner. Every potential partner out there has flaws, as do I. Is there a combination of flaws that I can live with, or perhaps not? Will I become too comfortable living alone, thus end up alone? Is it a sign of incompatibility with others? I can have many friends, I am outgoing, but if I can't live with someone else, is that a sad thing? Does my ability to successfully be intimate with a partner have limitations? And are those limtations sad in some respect?

 

In my first marriage I had a large extended family, and holidays when I hosted were noisy and busy, scrambling for enough chairs. In my second marriage, the decrease of extended family was very noticable, and gatherings were much smaller. Now, alone, on Thanksgiving I suppose I will travel alone in my car to some relatives house, and come back alone that evening. Quite a change that's hard to ignore, and I don't want to reflect that decrease back upon myself as if I am some kind of failure.

[willowthewisp]

It seems there are so many layers of 'being alone' and being 'lonely'. Being alone was at first slightly scary, as I had never lived alone before. However I live in a very safe area, low crime, etc.

Then there's the my space factor (not the website). I awoke today, laid in bed thinking for awhile, got up and made coffee, went straight to my computer as usual. I'm playing music I like. There is peace in doing things my way, in my space.

But I also started a thread on here about lonely evenings. How depression came over me sometimes. Alone again, only the computer for a friend.

 

Here's my fear--(maybe some of you share it)--that I am too picky, demanding, my way or the highway, or some version of rigidness that won't allow me to succeed with a partner. Every potential partner out there has flaws, as do I. Is there a combination of flaws that I can live with, or perhaps not? Will I become too comfortable living alone, thus end up alone? Is it a sign of incompatibility with others? I can have many friends, I am outgoing, but if I can't live with someone else, is that a sad thing? Does my ability to successfully be intimate with a partner have limitations? And are those limtations sad in some respect?

 

In my first marriage I had a large extended family, and holidays when I hosted were noisy and busy, scrambling for enough chairs. In my second marriage, the decrease of extended family was very noticable, and gatherings were much smaller. Now, alone, on Thanksgiving I suppose I will travel alone in my car to some relatives house, and come back alone that evening. Quite a change that's hard to ignore, and I don't want to reflect that decrease back upon myself as if I am some kind of failure.

 

Two sides to the coin. I have the exact opposite problem YYG, I worry I am not good enough for anyone and that I will not find anyone because no one wants me.

 

Speaking of which, I don't understand how you all out there are getting dates? That may sound odd but no one shows the slightest interest in me even when I try to approach them. There doesn't seem to be any single men my age either?

[carlierae26]

Two sides to the coin. I have the exact opposite problem YYG, I worry I am not good enough for anyone and that I will not find anyone because no one wants me.

 

I feel this way too.. more so because of the way I perceive my body. I think this is also the reason why I'm not very social either. The fear of rejection runs rampant in me lol.