Fallen out of love with my wife

[Betrayer]

Hello all.

 

Not even sure what I'm looking for. I guess mostly just venting my feelings. I've been married to my wife for the last 6 years and we've been together for a total of 9ish years. Damn that's a long time.

 

We were married when I was 22 and she was 28. I think now we were married for the completely wrong reasons. She's not a US citizen (met in college) and at the time she would have been kicked out of the country but instead we married so that she could stay.

 

I'm pretty convinced that I've fallen out of love with her, quite a while ago actually. I still love her as a person but I really wouldn't miss her if she were gone. Which says to me that I don't love her the way I should as a husband.

 

We have two children together which makes this a very complicated situation.

 

Just the other week I actually engaged her in conversation and explained that I don't think we make each other happy. I don't possibly see how I could make her happy considering I don't think we should have ever been married.

 

For the past while I've dreaded weekends and holidays because it meant I'd have to spend more time with her than normal. I realize that sounds pretty douchy, but there it is. Again it's not as though I dislike her at all. I just feel like we're more friends than anything. That makes it extremely frustrating then that we live together and what not.

 

I'll douche it up more for you. I'm completely in love with someone else. It was not intended and I certainly wasn't looking for it. I recently lost my job and what really hit home was the fact that I was more concerned about not seeing one of my coworkers any longer.

 

Bleh.

 

I guess I'm more looking for anyone who's experienced similar. Flame away.

[LittleTiger]

I'm pretty convinced that I've fallen out of love with her, quite a while ago actually. I still love her as a person but I really wouldn't miss her if she were gone. Which says to me that I don't love her the way I should as a husband.

 

If you really believe that then why don't you just leave?

 

If you a do a search on the 'separation and divorce' or 'infidelity' forums you'll find lots of people on here who've experienced something similar - your situation is practically text book.'

 

There's a regular poster on LS (YouGoGirl) who has a wonderful 'signature'. I'm not sure where it came from (she may have written it herself?) but I hope she won't mind me 'borrowing' it here, because I can't think of a better way of expressing my thoughts on your situation.

 

"The grass isn't greener, it's just new grass that you haven't cultivated, cut, pampered, seeded, watered, or have any history with. In otherwords, it's grass that you have zero investment in, grass that leaves you empty and wondering where your life has gone, and what the heck was all that work on the other grass for."

 

Something to think about eh?

[Citizen Erased]

I'm completely in love with someone else.

What a shock, didn't see that coming.

 

Get a divorce.

[LittleTiger]

What a shock, didn't see that coming.

 

Get a divorce.

 

Yes, surprised me too!

[You Go Girl]

Thanks Tiger. I wrote that all by my lonely.

 

Betrayer--People aren't actually surprised at all that you are "in love" with somebody else. They are being sarcastic. I would assume you got that, but it's not safe to assume anything on LS, so I'm spelling it out.

 

Lust and infatuation are not love. Get that straight first. Most people have a small capacity to love at all. Most people are simply selfish. They like to think they know how to love...pffffffft.

[habs53]

Of coarse there is another person.

1. Your poor kids

2. Your poor wife

3. You should be ashamed of yourself

 

You might as well leave and give your wife a chance to move on. She deserves so much better than you. I dont expect your new relationship to last as well. Guilt will take over.

[Steadfast]

The obvious response is to break all contact with the OW then re-commit to your wife and family. As a husband and a father, you gave up your 'rights' to these things, no matter how many television dramas suggest otherwise. And yes; you actually swore that you would do that very thing at one time. Obviously, you meant it or you would not have sworn to it. Is it simply a matter of you changing your mind, or are there deeper issues?

 

No doubt the loss of feelings you have for your wife are directly attributed to these new feelings for her. You can (and probably will) say that you felt the loss of love for your wife before, but if you're truthful you'll realize this new temptation is the fuel behind your decision making process. Admit it.

 

By the tone and character of your message you seem to acknowledge what you're thinking is wrong, yet you present it as undeniable fact and now seek validation or support for your new position. I doubt you'll get much here, as the respondents have lived through both sides of the ordeal.

 

Posts like this befuddle me. Your mind is made up. What do you seek?

[You Go Girl]

Posts like this befuddle me. Your mind is made up. What do you seek?

 

Justification and to avoid the guilt.

Then there's that little nagging voice of fear in the back of his mind--what if he leaves, goes to the OW, and that goes sour?

Then he's ruined his family all for naught...and won't be able to get it back.

[Iconoclast]

Oh cognitive dissidence, you never fail us.

Have you told her you love her, but you're not in love with her?

[habs53]

Oh cognitive dissidence, you never fail us.

Have you told her you love her, but you're not in love with her?

LOL, im sure he did:p

[stillafool]

Tell your wife what you have done and how you feel. Get 3 jobs if you have to and file for divorce. There is absolutely no good reason to waste anymore or your wife's years.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Not even sure what I'm looking for.

 

 

Please forgive me for being so "blunt" about this, but the only true thing that I can totally be supportive with you on, is the above quote! That part of your whole post makes sense to me. I truly think and feel, that when people tell me, when facing a problem, "Zen I'm not even sure what to do" or "Zen, I'm not even sure what I'm looking for" and so forth....this to me in an "ok" thing. This tells me that all is not lost, but it really doesn't tell me that all is found. Your statement means to me, that you are currently in the great void that I like to call "the great unknown"! Is the great unknown a comfortable place for you? Do you like the lack of answers your mind can not produce? Do you like this? If not there is one sure fire way of pulling yourself out of the void, it's called being "truthful" and "honest" and "trustworthy" and "open" with others and yourself. If you follow the light and try to keep the darkness behind you, you eventually will pull yourself up and out of your current situation. That is if you want to, none of us here can hold your hand and physically walk you through this, this is all on you.

 

I can only take your inventory on one thing, something I dislike very much, that is when a person "cheats" on another! I don't care if it's a "intellectual" or a "physical" or an "emotional" affair, the very second one transfer their flag, from one person who they a legally committed to another, when that flag goes to another, that irks me. I know this is not a "Utopian" world, not by a long shot, but it miffs me when people think out of lust, obsessions, and their "private parts" and don't do what it right, by being blinded by false love and emotions. The "Utopian" way would be to temp. place those things on the shelf of life, go through a legal separation and or divorce, let the ink dry for a while, move out of wait for their partner to move out, wait a while longer.....then engage their fantasy's. But I know this is not the real world, as to what I just described.

 

Good luck to you................

Edited September 20, 2010 by The-Zen-Warrior

[2sunny]

rewriting your marital history is the norm for justifying bad behavior...

 

yep, the infidelity part was totally expected too. they go hand in hand...

[tornandmarried]

alot of times when people cheat they say the whole, "i love you, but im not in love with you" gag....u feel this way because someone else is over riding your "in love" feelings.....id suggest come out of the fog, giving up the affair, and work things out with your wife, remeber u love her right, work on falling in love again....its only a matter of time till this new girl dumps you and you find yourself in a legal mess, missing your wife and kids...reality check

[Betrayer]

Well first off I'd like to apologize to everyone for laying down such a disorganized post. Admittedly I wasn't completely sober when I wrote it.

 

I'll post a better thought out description tomorrow after I've slept but I would like to clear one thing up. I've actually never, and certainly don't plan on ever, cheated on my wife. Me saying I was completely in love with someone else was more the beer talking and really I shouldn't have even mentioned another person as that isn't really what the actual issue is about.

 

The real issue is that I feel like my wife and I are just friends, not lovers. Roommates, even. Honestly, we've had sex twice in the last year. I really wish I were making that up.

 

Again I apologize for making it look like there was some OW and I was a cheating douche. I was more concerned that I would even be smitten by another person when I'm married.

Edited September 20, 2010 by Betrayer
had js blocked, messed up formatting

[The-Zen-Warrior]

rewriting your marital history is the norm for justifying bad behavior......

 

Well what you said here may be right! For the poster is about ready to give us a better version of his original post. He needs to "re-write" it or at least "re-organize" it for us! I wonder what will either be added or omitted after the re-write!

 

In regards to the posters new information about how he shouldn't have mentioned someone else, and that it was just the "liquor talking", I don't know, this new statement smells kind of fishy to me!

 

Betrayer : Please note that alcohol can sometimes be used as a vehicle for one to tune in their sub-conscious. You can say that you shouldn't have mentioned the other woman, but I feel that last nights alcohol use may have indeed tapped into your sub-conscious mind, the alcohol knocked on it's door, the door opened and it spoke!

 

I would tread very carefully if I were you in regards to navigating this situation! For I personally feel that your "conscious mind" and your "sub-conscious mind" are in conflict with each other, compounded by an unknown level of alcohol use, on top of your current relationship problems it's all a deadly combination if you ask me!

 

I don't know, you might want to get some therapy...........just a thought!

[LittleTiger]

Well first off I'd like to apologize to everyone for laying down such a disorganized post. Admittedly I wasn't completely sober when I wrote it.

 

I'll post a better thought out description tomorrow after I've slept but I would like to clear one thing up. I've actually never, and certainly don't plan on ever, cheated on my wife. Me saying I was completely in love with someone else was more the beer talking and really I shouldn't have even mentioned another person as that isn't really what the actual issue is about.

 

The real issue is that I feel like my wife and I are just friends, not lovers. Roommates, even. Honestly, we've had sex twice in the last year. I really wish I were making that up.

 

Again I apologize for making it look like there was some OW and I was a cheating douche. I was more concerned that I would even be smitten by another person when I'm married.

 

My reply was based on the assumption (rightly or wrongly) that you hadn't yet done anything physical with this woman that you are 'in love' with.

 

So you can rewrite your original post if you wish, but it doesn't change anything.

 

Your relationship with your wife has 'gone wrong' somewhere, things aren't going well and you 'see' another woman who makes you feel things you haven't felt in years, or now even think you never felt in the first place.

 

Whether you have physically cheated on your wife is not really the issue, the fact is that you have turned away from your marriage and begun focusing your 'love attention' on another woman.

 

As I said it's a textbook case. Maybe you will eventually have a physical affair, maybe you won't, that's your decision but if you want your marriage to work, you need to talk to your wife and tell her how you're feeling.

 

I agree that a 'roommates' style marriage without sex is not good (been there, done that, worn the t-shirt!) and that is what you need to work on. If you haven't already been to marriage counselling, maybe that is worth a try, but talking in some way has to be your first shot at putting this right.

 

Whatever your 'real' situation, my original advice still stands - the grass isn't always greener, it's just different grass.

[GG2W]

An office affair, was that the reason you are no longer working there?

 

I doubt that she had much interest in you. Why would she want a married man with two children?

 

My suggestion is after you sober up is to go looking for two jobs. One to pay the alimony and the child support.

 

Drunk or sober it is the same story

[habs53]

Listen my friend, marriage is not perfect. Allot of it is being friends. Try to make this relationship work. If there was a spark once, there can be again.

There is far to many people in this world that take the easy way out. North American divorce rate is retarded.

If there is no cheating going on, make this work. You will thank yourself in the long run.

[What_Next]

Habs is right. If there was no cheating, then stop this behavior and focus on your marriage. Tell your wife what you are feeling. Suggest MC if necessary.

 

If you feel as though it is too late, then do the right thing and fess up and suggest a divorce.

[2sunny]

Well first off I'd like to apologize to everyone for laying down such a disorganized post. Admittedly I wasn't completely sober when I wrote it.

 

I'll post a better thought out description tomorrow after I've slept but I would like to clear one thing up. I've actually never, and certainly don't plan on ever, cheated on my wife. Me saying I was completely in love with someone else was more the beer talking and really I shouldn't have even mentioned another person as that isn't really what the actual issue is about.

 

The real issue is that I feel like my wife and I are just friends, not lovers. Roommates, even. Honestly, we've had sex twice in the last year. I really wish I were making that up.

 

Again I apologize for making it look like there was some OW and I was a cheating douche. I was more concerned that I would even be smitten by another person when I'm married.

 

sober or not - it's no surprise when someone isn't happy in their M that they go looking for someone else to be interested in, sex or no sex - it's still cheating. cheating because the spouse is always cheated out of the love, intimacy, close connection that COULD be possible if your mind wasn't so much on another gal. to spend your time and energy thinking and fantasizing about another gal IS cheating... it short changes your wife.

 

IF you don't love her- tell HER. be honest. why is that so hard? tell her what is wrong with you...so that you two can either change things or finish with it. IF she doesn't intend to change anything - you have your answer. IF she does - then there is a chance the marriage can get better and you both could be much happier. change is good.

 

THAT is proper order and what good honesty looks like.

[quankanne]

am going to be the biotch in this thread, telling you upfront:

 

instead of focusing what she *doesn't* provide, seriously reflect on the fact that YOU are one-half of this relationship, and that if YOU want it to be good, then you'll do whatever is necessary to ensure that it's good. As another poster said, marriage takes work.

 

and that means working with the whammies and the roadblocks, and yes, including those periods when there's a lack of sex and you're hurting for it. Somewhere, there's a thread about orgasms and quality sex. At some point, it's gonna hit you right in the face that love-making is more about the quality of time you are with that person, rather than the fact that you're getting some. You, being a fairly newly-wed man, might not see it as such, but from this end of the spectrum, you start appreciating those differences.

 

forget about the chick you're crushing on. You don't need to be playing make-believe in your head about how wonderful it will be getting into a deeper relationship with her, because realistically speaking, she's got the potential of bringing all the problems you have with your relationship with your wife (and possibly more) to a relationship with you. In other words, the grass isn't greener, it's not different, it's just seen from a different aspect of the yard. It's all the same ...

 

it's one thing to be unhappy about where your life is going, and another to wallow in that unhappiness. The smart person looks at what the weak points or the failings and does his best to fix, adjust or correct as needed to make it work as good as new – or better.

[scottishlassy]

I really, really wish my STBX could see this thread!

[HopelessinDTW]

I really, really wish my STBX could see this thread!

I second that...both women and men who are about to take that step into infidelty should definetly read all the stories in here, and the damage they are going to cause to not only their spouses, but to their children and extended families. If there is one thing I have learned on LS is that 99% of all the cheaters will at some time realize what they have done to everyone, and in time realize that the problem was THEMSELVES not the LBS. The easy fix of divorce and finding OM/OW is only going to mask the inner problems that will never get fixed. In time the "masking" will wear away, and all the inner demons will come out again.

[tornandmarried]

yeah wish my stbxw could see this too...and how ridiculous cheating really is....about the last time i talked to her she was crying about how i was the best boyfriend she even had and she ruined it...hope she enjoys her abusive relationship with her cousin lol:lmao: im gone forever