New Separation.. not sure what to think

[MemphisMan]

Hello everyone. I've read this board for quite sometime and thought I could share my experience and hopefully receive some advice. I am a 33yo man and been married to my wife for over 11 years. Including dating we've been together for 17 years (we began dating our junior year in high school). We have an 8yo girl and 3yo son. We've gone thru a lot of life changes. Going thru high-school, college, careers, second careers, kids, homeowners, etc.. My wife has seemingly always been the emotionally stronger person of the relationship and assumes command quite naturally.

 

This natural take-control personality has been there all along. Her father would tell me her childhood stories that would give more proof. Anyway, my wife was extremely close to her father who suffered a fatal heart attack in April 2009. 4 months later my wife begins hinting she isn't happy and needs some space. After we both individually met with the same marriage counselor she informed me she was going to leave for a couple of days to see if she can get her head on straight. After a couples session she told me she thought it best to separate. That she wasn't romantically attracted to me, sees me as a best-friend more than husband.

 

We agreed to rent a mutual home. Myself being a registered nurse and working the night shift while she works at a VERY well-known Memphis based business during the day (she works very hard, holds an important position). So while I was off I would stay with the kids at our home, while at work those nights she stayed with the kids. We wanted the kids to be in their own bed 7 days a week. This lasted for a little over 2 months with the 1st month of me mostly begging her to work it out and coming home. Later, I gained more composure. After watching "Fireproof," my wife asked to come home citing are relationship as mendable. We don't fight, we get along great, we both love and nurture the kids, etc. She came home.

 

After a 6 month period we slowly began talking about the distance we felt from one another. During this 6 months we took a vacation together and took part in as many family outings as possible. We discussed our sexual relationship in which we only had relations after being stimulated from film and not each other. During our reconciliation I tried many times to have her speak with someone regarding her father's death but she always responded angrily. Finally 3 weeks ago she admits her father's lifestyle has had an effect. Her father stayed married to her mother because it was the right thing, was the cook and bill payer. They never had a sexual relationship in the last 10 years. My wife feels she is leading her fathers life sans cooking. She agreed her father did not die an unhappy man.

 

So now we've seen a different counselor who seems very good. We've again agreed to a separation this time I've moved out and rented my own house. We mutually agreed it was best for her to stay in the house while we have 50/50 kid custody. We've split bills well. She says she needs to see if the marriage is salvagable. We agree we love each other but she is not sure if she loves me for the right reasons. We are very cordial with each other which can make this more difficult for me. I'm the emotional type while she keeps it in. She has agreed she is very surprised how well I am taking this compared to our separation last year.

 

Do I continue to wait? We haven't put a timetable on this separation... but this is my girl. I have loved her since we were setup on a date 17 years ago. I hate living by myself.. because she is the one I want to be with not just because I am lonely. I trust her so I trust when she says there is no one else. I am a product of a divorced family and consider it a huge failure. I don't want this for my children.

 

So what do you do when you and your separated spouse get along great, both love your kids unconditionally, and even help one another with household needs even if not living together??? Does she just not see me as a lover anymore? Does she feels so much control that she doesn't see me as her peer anymore??

 

I'm going back to marriage counselor soon to give him an update.. sorry for the length but really lost and needing some feedback.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Sorry you are having to try to find your way through this.

 

I empathize with your situation - "sees me as a best-friend more than husband."

 

How do you protect the kids but still take that away from her so she realizes what she is giving up on? Right now she has you in her life feeling the needs she wants from you but not offering to fill your needs.

 

I definitely don't have the answers. Just wanted to let you know I feel for you brother.

 

I myself have tried to take it all away from my wife so she sees what she is missing. It is a gamble which could cost me big time, but I have pondered it for months and feel I must do what I believe is right. At least I finally feel some control.

[MemphisMan]

Yeah.. the best-friend statement has a lot of weight in our separation. I see where you are coming from when you mention you have to help change your significant other's mindset by making you a better or happier person. Yes she is my wife but she is also my best-friend for half my life. Hard to take this a day at a time because I hate where currently live and absolutely know no one.

 

Day to day is harder than I exected.

[heartbrokensj]

So what do you do when you and your separated spouse get along great, both love your kids unconditionally, and even help one another with household needs even if not living together??? Does she just not see me as a lover anymore? Does she feels so much control that she doesn't see me as her peer anymore??

 

I'm going back to marriage counselor soon to give him an update.. sorry for the length but really lost and needing some feedback.

 

MemphisMan, I am sorry you both are going thru a 2nd separation. I am a lot like you in terms of being the emotional one and my husband like your wife as we are separated also. I am trying to take my own advice when I say this too but continuing to seem happy and genuine when i talk wtih my partner. I do not know you how you appear to your wife when you interact with her but i guess, (its easier said than done) is for you to not try to focus all your efforts on her but work on you..do the things that make you happy to fill up your loneliness..such as extracurricular activities that you used enjoy doing..

 

have you and your wife considered seeing a christian based counselor because from what i have heard christian counselors carry the strong belief in preserving marriage or how about talking with your wife to attend a marriage retreat?

 

I wish i had the answers for you as I think so many of us on here are trying to sort it all out. I wish you all the best.

[johnmo]

I feel for you as well. I am in a very similar situation minus the kids and illness of our parents. My wife also told me she "sees me more as a best friend than a husband" and that we are "too comfortable around eachother".

I continually debate this is my head, should I just move on? or do I try and make things work since I still love her?. And if we try and make it work, wont it just happen again in another 6 months or if the going get's tough?

 

We are doing counseling, but no counseling can help you make that decision to give up, especially when you do not initiate the separation/divorce.

 

The more and more I think and read and talk to people, the more and more giving up and moving on might be the only answer that works in this day & age.

[You Go Girl]

As a woman who was once in a powerful position and left her spouse, I understand this better than the confused husband.

Worst case scenario--sometimes, you can't stop this train wreck. You have to sit back and watch it happen.

I know that's bleak. Yeah, it truly is. It can take years.

Do you really have the love to wait years?

Sometimes that is what you are looking at.

 

It's not a timetable you can control. It's out of your control.

You can send the love letters, and they can be ignored (as known by you). They're never ignored, but they can be pushed aside. =If we don't want to acknowledge something at this point in time, we won't. (Referring to her).

Men don't understand a woman's drive to self-destruct.

It comes on when we feel too powerful. Then the power is scary. If we don't escape it, it might beat us.

If we become all about our power, without a shoulder to lean on= intimacy, the warning goes off in our brain--self-destruct, because something is out of balance here.

Two people that find sexual fulfillment through "film" and not each other are going to always go down this path.

Where is the love when you look at each other during intimate moments? Why isn't it there? Why in the world would two people who have known each other for so long, need detached thrill sex films to make it through half an hour of intimacy?

[MemphisMan]

As a woman who was once in a powerful position and left her spouse, I understand this better than the confused husband.

Worst case scenario--sometimes, you can't stop this train wreck. You have to sit back and watch it happen.

I know that's bleak. Yeah, it truly is. It can take years.

Do you really have the love to wait years?

Sometimes that is what you are looking at.

 

It's not a timetable you can control. It's out of your control.

You can send the love letters, and they can be ignored (as known by you). They're never ignored, but they can be pushed aside. =If we don't want to acknowledge something at this point in time, we won't. (Referring to her).

Men don't understand a woman's drive to self-destruct.

It comes on when we feel too powerful. Then the power is scary. If we don't escape it, it might beat us.

If we become all about our power, without a shoulder to lean on= intimacy, the warning goes off in our brain--self-destruct, because something is out of balance here.

Two people that find sexual fulfillment through "film" and not each other are going to always go down this path.

Where is the love when you look at each other during intimate moments? Why isn't it there? Why in the world would two people who have known each other for so long, need detached thrill sex films to make it through half an hour of intimacy?

 

Wow. Very interesting to hear a differ point-of-view. I once told my wife I loved having someone in my life that could possibly have answers when I need it.. may have the knowledge to take control. She replied by telling me it would be nice to have a man that she could depend on in the same way.

 

My wife worked while I attended and completed nursing school. I didn't carry a job during school although I was the cook and grocery getter. She always paid the bills and initiated contact when we needed something done. To put it simply.. I have become very introverted over the years of our marriage. I see a therapist for this. I've taken medication for nearly 28 years for an anxiety problem I was diagnosed with as a child. At the beginning of our marriage my wife wanted me to experience the least amount of stress as possible so she took control of daily ordeals.

 

This has changed in the last 12-14 months but she admits it is hard for her to believe things will stay the same. She sees me as a stronger person than last year. The sex issue is weird.. I have always been physically attracted to her. It's funny how time can wear on you. She sees me as a best-friend therefore I'm not seen as a lover. Overtime I became so frustrated by being turned down as a sexual partner that I holed up. Quit talking about it. Quit trying. Her way of having sex was to ask if I wanted to watch a movie.

 

So yeah we definitely each have issues. She feels there isn't much a personal therapist could provide her although she agrees to couples therapy. It's harder to be around her now more than ever because we get along so well. I assume I see "us" in a differ way she does...

 

Lost and confused.

[Steadfast]

No matter how well you get along, your wife's lack of sexual attraction is eventually going to manifest itself into something else. If it hasn't already. People (and especially women, I've noticed) often downplay the importance of sex in marriage but if there isn't some sort of healthy balance, it's a killer.

 

I do not know of any 'method' that restores it. I may be wrong, but to me this issue rests entirely with your wife. She either feels it, or she doesn't. Again, I hate to ring the infidelity bell for lack of a better answer, but human nature suggests loss of attraction (if in fact, she once was attracted to you) is due to the fact that she's either attracted to someone else, or the idea of it.

 

If your communication is up to the task, I'd start by having her list what currently makes her happy in life and what doesn't. The language of 'woman-ese' is sometimes tricky to understand, so listen closely for clues that point to her issues. Perhaps it's time to assume command-

[You Go Girl]

Unbelievable. So you're saying women have a natural urge to cause destruction. No wonder marriages are broken these days.

 

I don't know why I even am going to bother...

 

I said they will destruct IF THERE IS AN IMBALANCE.

This is in order to make right what is out of balance.

 

Back to the OP--

It appears as if your W is used to you being passive to her. That is an attraction killer.

I don't know what you can do about it all--because you shouldn't change your personality to fix this, and definitely don't become someone you are not. However, if YOU are out of balance by being too passive to her, and letting her have too much control, then you could work on that. I'm sure you can think up which ways to improve upon that--and the clues are in the things that make you feel bad about yourself.

I don't know if that's even the case. Is it?

[MemphisMan]

I may have been quite the pushover but I do trust my wife. Sure.. spouses have trusted each other even when having affairs but I don't believe it is the case in my relationship. Yes, I have loads to work on but I do know that I just read to and Tucked in my children for the night. Two things that bring me total joy.

 

Pushover.. I do believe I'm guilty. But as mentioned before.. I can't change everything about who I really am. But I hate to think I may never have her back in my life.

[You Go Girl]

I really don't either.

 

Yet like a moth to the flame you are drawn to respond to my post.

 

 

 

There will always be an imbalance. NOTHING is perfect. This is nothing new. I don't know why you keep making these biased statements about women having some sort of ultimate power that makes them so special. Women are no better than men.

 

Women are no better than men, I concede. Never held any other viewpoint.

I keep making biased statements? No...we were discussing women in a position of power. Many women have very little power in this world, the evidence is everywhere. We were specifically discussing a situation in which the woman has too much power.

 

True, you may have a point. But just because him bluntly being a pushover doesn't give his wife the green-light to have an OM and bring that trash around their kids, in their house.

 

Agreed. He shouldn't be a pushover. This is an imbalance. It is sad to see people self-sacrificing and it coming back at them with mockery and spite, regardless of gender. Obviously it doesn't pay to be a pushover, regardless again, of gender. There is a funny yet sad idiom: "No good deed goes unpunished."

[MemphisMan]

Didnt mean to start anything. Sorry ladies and gents.

[You Go Girl]

Didnt mean to start anything. Sorry ladies and gents.

 

Chosen names for use on LS reveal much. Think that over.

 

No need to take the weight on the world on your shoulders...smiles.

 

Back to your details!

[mplsmama]

MemphisMan - sorry you are going through this. I am going through a similar situation. I also have had many people try to convince me that there's "someone else," and perhaps there is and I am just naive, but I also believe there is not someone else. It'd almost be easier if there was... then we'd be able to make some sense out of this situation! But I also heard the "best-friend" thing when my husband left me 3 wks ago. Ouch. It hurts.

I don't believe that things are hopeless - for me, or for you. I just can't... yet, anyway. No one is perfect. I'm sure you both have played a role in the demise of your marriage. I just don't believe that God brings people together and blesses them with children only to have it fade away like this. A good marriage counselor is definitely in order.

I may be the oddball who says "keep the faith and don't give up," but I just have to pass on a little optimism!

[MemphisMan]

I've been doing the 180 rule for weeks now, btw. It does seem to have an effect on her. I even remember last year I had the kids for Halloween and she went to a party. After seeing pics of me, the children and the other couples with us she admitted to being jealous and that I seemed more mysterious. I know a lot of this power struggle is related to my reclusiveness. I'm more introverted now that I was 5 years ago and so on.

 

She always told me to make more friends and go out for time by myself. Hard to do so when I am a Critical Care Nurse that works with 95% females. Anyway, I know I need to do things to make me happy. Things she may find interesting about me down the road. She calls or txts me daily. It may be only to ask a question or to see how the kids are. I went to our family home yesterday to cut the grass (yes I cut the grass...working in the yard is a stress reliever for me plus I invested 6 years of landscaping the property) while there I got something to drink to notice 3-4x the amount of alcohol that is normally there. Judging by the condition of the inside she is definitely keeping herself busy with changes.. maybe to keep her mind off of other things.

 

So..good news is she is out-of-town for work (dont read more into that statement-- I know you can never be certain) so I have the kids for 5 days straight!

 

Still lost..

[MemphisMan]

Quick update..

 

We've been separated right at a month now. I've been in my home for 3 weeks. I've done well with the NC. I am stronger compared to our last separation. This past weekend we had our son's birthday party. This was the first time we had seen each other in about 2 weeks. That doesn't sound long but when you've been together for years it can seem like forever. Our families were there. It's funny but her Aunt took me to the side and told me she hoped it wasn't the last time she saw me and that from what little info she was given it seemed my wife had issues. She really laid blame on my wife. I thanked her for her wishes. Personally.. I am not trying to lay blame on anyone. That doesn't get me anywhere.

 

After the party we went back to our family home to divide presents. Went well. She invited me to stay for dinner but I told her no.. told her I needed to get going (when I had absolutely nothing to do for the rest of the nite). That was the first test I've had I think. I wanted to stay of course but didn't. Since is where I have run into problems.. Like I said above, I've done really well with no contact but I believe it to be so because my wife will text me quite often. Sometimes to ask about the kids..but when I picked them up this past Sunday she texted me to let me know how hard it is for her to send her children off. She was sad. I can understand. I felt the same yesterday when I dropped them off for what will be a 5-day visit. Anyway.. she is txting me to let me know of things she is doing.. going out with friends or doing new things. Then she will tell me she wished we would have done those certain things together in the past.

 

I plainly texted her and told her I felt the same about things we may have not done in the past. But I also told her I felt if I were to tell her those things I would feel like I was a lost little puppy looking for someone to take care of me. Breaking the rule of being a Strong-confident-male I told her plainly that I agreed with her about the past and believe it or not.. I missed her. I told her there were butterflies when we were alone after the party and when I left I felt like there may still be something there. She promptly told me she was out to eat with her friend and she would reply later. Later that night she told me there was too much to say so she would reply by email. 24 hours later I asked her if she intended to respond. She said she had worked late and was catching up on Tivo but she would respond.

 

It seems when i show any emotion she backs away. She even told me after the party that I looked good. I told her I had thought the same and that she looked really good and certain physical attributes stood out. She told me I should have told her earlier in the day! I just don't get it. I guess we are in the mixed feelings area. Without violating HIPPA my marriage counselor told me yesterday that he had the opinion she wanted to be pursued (by talking with her at their last appt) but told me NOT to pursue.

 

So now it feels like I am starting all over again. I didn't give away too much to her. I am looking forward to her email. Good or bad. Maybe to get some insight from her. While at our home just yesterday to do laundry.. I say her wedding band and ring sitting on her nightstand. At the party she told me she wanted me to know she still wears those bands but that day she wasn't because her fingers were hot/swollen from all the things going on for the birthday boy. Just me trying to read into everything.

 

This feels like some dear diary.. once I begin typing I can't seem to stop. I guess it's things I would like to say to her but know it wouldn't be a good idea.

 

Thx for whoever may listen.

[MemphisMan]

I know a MC should be a neutral party. A professional reflecting upon situations and offering his advice thru years of practice. My marriage has been one of no abuse of any kind. No infedility. But I find out from my separated wife that after onw solo visit with the MC he confirms it is time for her to be selfish without feeling guilty.. to find her own happiness. Taking a step back i can understand this. As someone who loves this woman and considers her my bestfriend.. I do want her to find her self-happiness. He agrees with her that she has relied on others or material things to keep her content over the last 11+ years.

 

As a couple with 2 young children.. as mentioned in earlier posts.. a couple who gets along great with no fighting. A couple who admittingly agrees they love one another. How does a MC give this advice if the goal is to have a sustaining, enriching marriage and family? Am I being the selfish one by thinking this? After 2 couples and 3 solo mtgs I've had I just find this out.. about him confirming her feelings but not looking out for the relationship.. or by doing this is the MC ultimately doing what is best? He doesn't see a 3 yr old boy clinging to each parent at the end of visitations.. or the daughter who cries asking why Mommy isn't here.

 

Is my MC pro-marriage? Hell, I guess I should ask him.. but I would rather not have a co-pay to find out.

 

Frustrated as ever after 5.5 wks separation.

[carhill]

Quote from our MC: Separation is the pathway to divorce.

 

He insisted that it be used only as a short-term last resort when compromise and communication failed, but always moving towards each other rather than away.

 

Once it was determined, in our case after over a year, that the issues were irrecoverable, then it was 'time to make a decision'.

 

Something your wife mentioned, about 'it would be nice to have a man that she could depend on in the same way. ' caught me. I recall saying in MC that 'there's me and then there's God' I described this dynamic as the only recourse I had as a husband was to pray, because my wife was not there for me emotionally; I had no one to depend on, save for my faith. I did pray, and often, the first time I had done so since a child. It was action borne of desperation of circumstances, decidedly different than your own.

 

Anyway, it was during that period that my 'love died one day at a time' (something I said in MC).

 

I don't have any cogent advice for you because each marriage is unique, but I can tell you, with a divorce which is almost final, that IMO being separated with a MC who thinks it's a good thing for your wife to embrace her selfishness in lieu of the marriage, I'm not optimistic. I'll leave it at that and offer my sincere sympathies. Reading your recount brings on a lot of past sadness. I hope it works out for you. Hug the kids

[MemphisMan]

Thx so much for your insight and I certainly hope you have become a stronger and happier person facing your challenges. The MC is beginning to feel like more of a validator. He certainly tells me I have to let her know I am there for her and to seemingly "kill her with kindness."

 

Just a roller-coaster tonite. I have my kids the next 2 nights for the 1st time in 5 days. I was thinking that 5 days is the longest I've gone without seeing there beautiful faces. I picked them up from dayxare after my night shift at the hospital, got them in the car and had to shut their doors and walk 10 feet away and breakdown. Wave of happiness and sadness all at once.

[PK66]

 

It's not a timetable you can control. It's out of your control.

You can send the love letters, and they can be ignored (as known by you). They're never ignored, but they can be pushed aside. =If we don't want to acknowledge something at this point in time, we won't. (Referring to her).

Men don't understand a woman's drive to self-destruct.

 

MemphisMan, sorry to hear your situation. I am another that has gotten the "I love you because we are best friends, but I don't have that feeling of 'Passion' about you that I should anymore." It is devistating to hear, and it is amazing what it will make you do to try and shake her to "reality."

 

I think YGG has nailed part of the situation right on the head with the above quote. I am sure there is an element of self destruct going on with my wife because part of her feels a deep blame for her lack of feeling and she is punishing herself to find a sense of balance. Remember, Justice (a woman) holds the scales of balance (she also has on a blindfold!) Balance is essential to a woman's sense of well being. I know that my wife has said she wishes she could "flip a switch" and just turn her feelings back on. It would be easier for everyone else if she could. Missing from this statement is any reference of what would be best for herself. She hates herself right now because she feels she has to in order to find balance - Justice for her actions.

 

I like you know that there is no infidelity going on. Others have tried to convince me to see it in every little thing, but I know she isn't seeking intimacy right now and I know from her texts and emails (plus I do still trust her for th most part) that she is just trying to find "happiness" in her heart at all for anything. She feels empty about everything. She is a good actress "pretending" she's happy by smiling and malking it seem she enjoys people and life, but she has broken down and told me it is all just an act. She has chosen "self destruction" by breaking up our marriage and isolating herself from me. I don't know if I'm really explaining this very clearly... it's hard to put into words. She feels a need to punish herself by removing her potential source of happiness (me and the marriage, the happy family) in order to right the scales of justice - balance. It is payment due for her lack of being able to "feel" anything for anyone, creating her own private hell by destroying her only source of happiness because she must sacrifice herself in order to feel that the balance sheet reaches an even "0."

 

Just stay the course the way you are. Time, time, patience and time are what it is going to take. I am sure of it. One stone at a time. Actually it feels more like 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Lots of effort, but a back and forth progress. Eventually the balance will be achieved, and it is our jobs as the 2nd half of the marriage to try and hold it, andourselves together. You need to make sure that you are whole so that no matter which way it goes, you come out in one big, improved and wiser piece. Your marriage will need it if it continues, you will need it if you move on your own, and your children will need it to provide their sense of stability and support as they grow.

 

Good luck!! Stay Strong!! Work on being Stronger!!!

[MemphisMan]

PK- sounds like you and I could probably talk all day. Very similar positions. Your quote from YGG is good. I was talking to a coworker who happened to agree.. and yes she is female. My wife is most certainly unhappy. Without my solicitation she texts me to tell me she isn't going out everynight during my time with the children. She feels she must tell me this because she will text me and tell me about something she may have done the night before and express her wishes that we would have done similar things while still "together."

 

But she continues to say anything worth having isn't easy. Cop out, IMO. Her opinion is we must continue to do this a while longer. So.. I don't want this to become a power struggle, ya know? We rarely verbally speak to each other in the day and age of txt and email. I recently had an injury at the hospital (I'm a nurse.. guess it is the place to be if hurt. =)) so she called.. which was a nice touch. But then again.. we've been best friends for 17 years. Sorry to rant.

 

I wish you patience and strength as well my friend.

[PK66]

Wow.. you're probably right on the simalarity. I had to go to the hospital about 10 days ago for a hand injury (loosing a thumbnail and a few stitches) too!! My DW was at work and I called my mother to help get me to the ER (couldn't drive because I was working on the car when I hurt myself.) Had to call the DW for some insurance info and she left work and came to sit with me at the hospital.

 

My DW hasn't made a comittment yet to really even work on the marriage, but she hasn't said she wants a divorce yet either. She doesn't know what she wants, which is kind of an answer that she want's to make this take a looong time as well. Must be part of that self punishment - destruct component. Hard to deal with, but at least there are so many issues about self and relationships that this brings to the front and allows us to work on that we probably would have left unexplored had our wives not tried to pull the plug... Keep trying to see the good side, and keep watering the grass... she may decide she likes it after all.

[MemphisMan]

Alright.. I've had this email from my wife for about 6 days.. I'm sure I have over-analyzed the hell out of it. Nothing really intimate to say so I want to post it for someone to give me their opinion..if you haven't read about my current state of affairs feel free to read above,, separated.. living apart. Here is the email.. any thoughts?

 

About your text from the other day... Your last reply hit home for me. I have my days - some days are good; others are not. Sunday I was having one of the not so good days. It was tough to send the kids away for 3 days like that and be left alone in "our" big house. I think it is starting to sink in with them more, so the kids are acting differently. Griffin is very clingy with both of us - always wanting us to hold him, not wanting us to leave him at daycare, etc. Chloe is starting to try to manipulate us, play us against each other, etc. That is the tough part, and part of the reason why I wanted to come back the last time... it was tough to see the impact on the kids and how their behavior had changed. I'm sure they have their good days & bad days, too.

 

I know we probably both look back and realize there were lots of things we could've and should've done differently, but we didn't. I wasn't trying to rub it in or anything when I was telling you about the trivia thing & how it would have been fun for us to have done as a couple.... I figured you probably thought that I was going out having fun just about every night & that was something I was doing to avoid being alone at home or to try to meet guys or something. But that isn't the case... I'm trying to venture out & do things that I normally wouldn't have done. Not to avoid being alone or being home, just to do something new/different and try to get used to the current situation... being solely responsible for making myself happy. I think in the past I put too much emphasis on external things to make me happy - material things or other people. But at the end of the day, I am the only one who can make myself happy or not.

 

I have some days where I miss the way things used to be. Doing things as a family, having you there to help do stuff, to talk to, to listen to my crazy day, etc. And then there are other days where I like being totally independent. I know this is tough- emotionally and financially - for both of us. But deep down, I really think if there is any hope for us, this is something we need to do & stick with for a while longer. Anything worth having requires effort & isn't always easy. I don't want us to have to continue to repeat this over & over again... Either we spend enough time apart to realize that we truly want each other forever & will work to make things right so we are both happy & fulfilled in our relationship, or we spend enough time apart to realize that we have grown apart and want something more without each other.

 

Chloe asked me last night, just out of the blue, "Do you just, not like Daddy anymore?" My response was, "No, sweetie... I love your Daddy." I know she is probably confused, wondering why we are living apart if we love each other.... but this is what needs to happen, at least right now.

 

I am very sorry that we have to do this. I feel guilty for putting so much importance on my needs/wants that it means we all have to experience this. But again, that was one of the things the therapist said that I needed to work on... being selfish without feeling guilty. So I'm trying....

 

Anyone can offer help?

[PK66]

Are we married to the same woman???

 

 

Either we spend enough time apart to realize that we truly want each other forever & will work to make things right so we are both happy & fulfilled in our relationship, or we spend enough time apart to realize that we have grown apart and want something more without each other.

 

 

 

This is the part I have a hard time with... What does spending time apart and never doing anything together do to bring you closer to someone??? It seems to me like a recipe for how to grow apart. I do get setting up some distance to go "time out" in, but the total lack of doing anything to work on the relationship and expecting it to have the result of rekindling feelings for your spouse... it seems like avoidance to me. You don't build a boat by going fishing...

[carhill]

Nah, I'd just file for divorce. Having gone the bla, bla path, you can bla, bla while the divorce machinations are churning down at the courthouse. No one says you have to actually go through with it. Up to the two of you.

 

IMO, separation makes things 'easy'. It's easy to write wonderful e-mails, easy to say 'I love daddy', easy to be nice to each other, easy, easy. Why? Because you're not together anymore. Tons of space. No one in your space when you're taking a dump. Etc, Etc.

 

OP, is your MC a psychologist?