I'm in an emotionally/psychologically abusive marriage...

[alk47]

I've been in an abusive relationship for as long as I can remember...only I didn't recognize it as such until recently. My husband isn't physically abusive to me, but he is emotionally and psychologically abusive, which is just as insidious and harmful as a physical abuser.

 

I've given him an ultimatum to see a counselor to work on his issues (stress management and control). I'm seeing a counselor to work on my issues. We've been seeing a marriage counselor to work together on our issues together, but in all honesty it's not working. I feel stronger for having seen my therapist. She's encouraging me to communicate my feelings to my husband; but what I'm communicating and the fact that I'm not putting up with his crap anymore, has made him worse. This is something that I expected anyway. He's in "crisis mode" - doing everything he can to keep me "happy", so I don't leave him. Only, what he thinks makes me "happy" and what actually make me happy are two different things....I'm emotionally numb to all of the loving attention he's giving me at this point, because it's only temporary until I'm being controlled again.

 

I'm not going to rehash all of the abuse. I certainly can't forget it, because it's so damaging, but I'm in the "moving forward" stage of getting out of the marriage. Here's my issue:

 

I'm a stay-at-home mom who doesn't have a job. I need to get out of this relationship - but I'm not looking for a "Savior" to do it for me...I need and want to do this for myself (and for my kids). I recognize the fact that my husband has a problem, but at this point I'm so far gone and "done" with the relationship, that staying just isn't an option anymore. Also, I'm bound to do this myself. My family would help me if I asked them, but like I said before, I'm not that desperate to really need their help. They would help if I asked, but I'm determined to do this on my own - and on my own terms.

 

So, any words of wisdom for those of you who've "been there"? How did you do it? How difficult was it? How are you now? I think I know the answer to the last question, but any words of encouragement would be welcome. I need to be empowered (more than I already am). Thank you SO much!

[tnttim]

I was what your husband is so I think I can really help you understand. I have no magic answers or quick cure, because they don't exist. please don't take my brutal honesty as attacks, they are the truth, and truth hurts. First, you both have low self esteem. You shouldn't let someone's actions derail your actions, or hurt your feelings. He feels inadequate and wants you to feel the same way, so he lashes out. By dominating you it makes him feel power. So everytime he's abusive you cry, and run away. He feels like he's won you over, and he did, but in a negative way. If you would have just let him vent and you show no emotion, he would have lost. You see how it takes two. He's abusive and you take it, your enabling him. You may not see it, but he has loved you this whole time. He just doesn't know how to express all the time. He is in crisis mode right now, I was too about a month ago. I realized that this was all on me now and it scared the sh*t outta me. Now I'm happy to have this opprutunity to grow without her. It makes me feel good to be in control of my own life. From this day forward I will always control my own life, and feelings. I don't let what other people feel or think control me, because I'm in control of my own life. You don't want to go to your family for help, you don't want to go to anybody for help, you are in control of your help. Think back and look at all the times your life was great, I bet you were in control right? I read a book called stop your divorce by Homer Macdonald. The funny thing about the title is that is has very little to do with stopping it. It has way more worth on the premise of changing your attitude on life. He teaches you the difference between needs and wants. You have very few needs, but you turn your wants into needs. When you do that you close your mind and set yourself up for disappointment. So remember you can't change anyone, only your perception of that person. Your perception will always be boss, so change your perception change your life. Hope this helps.

[Angel1111]

I was in a relationship similar to yours except that my ex was extremely angry so he would provoke arguments and cause extreme distruption in our home. I didn't feel like I had the luxury of time so, even though I already had plans to move out and already had an apartment lined up (which he didn't know about), I ended up moving out a week early because he became extremely nuts one night - yelling, throwing things, etc. It was the end of the road. As to how I'm doing now, I can't even comprehend why I ever gave 2 seconds of attention to such a stupid man and I'm so happy to be free of him. It's been about 6 yrs now and I almost never think of him. When friends ask about that relationship now, I tell them that I don't care to talk about. My sister says she doesn't even count him in my relationships. I think that's funny.

 

In your case, it would be best to consult with an attorney. Doing this doesn't mean that you have to take action, it's just that they can give you advice on the best steps to take and they know all the possibilities. Also, there may be a way to get him to leave the house and also pay enough child support so that you don't have to worry about getting a job immediately. If you've been married more than ten years - depending on what state you live in - you're probably entitled to alimony. Regardless of whether your husband likes that or not, he won't have a choice. I don't recommend that you leave your house with your children. The courts don't favor disrupting kids. And DO NOT leave without your children (although I'm sure I don't have to say that). Just get legal advice. There's a lot of attorneys who offer a free consultation and your husband doesn't ever need to know about it.

 

As far as your counselor is concerned, I've noticed that they don't usually understand the issues that revolved around abusive relationships. I hope yours is better than the ones I've seen but the bottom line is that no matter what anyone is telling you - your counsellor, friend or mother - do not stay in that relationship if you want out, and don't downplay what he's doing. Yes, you may have issues but you're not an abuser. Big difference.

[paj231]

I am fortunate to have a large family however, along with that, come this misfortune of seeing several divorces first hand. So I have "been there", or very close, more times than I want to think about.

The very first thing you said was that you didn't recognize the abuse until recently. Realize that if you didn't recognize it, your husband probably didn't either.

My aunt and uncle were married for almost 30 years when she left him. She left with no explanation and gave him no opportunity to try fix the situation. Later she explained it was because my uncle had been rigid in their finances. She was given a monthly "allowance" and otherwise had no access to their savings. She felt the way he handled money was restrictive, to the point of being oppressive or even abusive. However, over the course of 30 years, she never even mentioned it to him.

I agree with my aunt's motivations. I personally would not tolerate receiving an "allowance". I personally would not tolerate sacrificing my own happiness to conform to that kind of regime. However I don't agree with her response. She could have stayed where she was and stood up for herself. Instead she just left. It wasn't the most courageous move on her part.

I'm not sure if your situation is based on finances or something totally unrelated but my suggestions is to make sure you husband is aware of how he is being abusive before you punish him so severely for his transgressions.

It would be wise to look carefully at where you're at now and where you and you children will be in a year. Try to picture life if you stay and try to work things out versus leaving and filing divorce papers. Where will you be it terms of your own happiness? How happy will you children be?

If there is physical violence involved you should get out immediately, if not you should carefully consider whether the emotional issues can be resolved. This consideration must include your children. My niece and nephew are the product of a bitter divorce. She is currently doing well as a registered nurse working in an oncology department and he had a daughter before he graduated high school and was recently arrested for cocaine possession. If you divorce and become a statistic you're taking a gamble with your children and it doesn't seem like very good odds. Make sure you are making the right choice.

[dazedandconfused2008]

Well...i finally left my unhealthy abusive relationship. I have been both physically and emotionally abused and i have to say for me..the emotional is worse than the physical. The words that hit me most about what you said was that the things that HE thought made you happy and what ACTUALLY made you happy were two different things. It wouldve made me happy if my ex had WANTED and DID the steps to change on his own and work with it. But even so...what hes all done now...there is no going back...even if he was to do that now. That door closed a long while back.

I understand that feeling of being numb to what he does. I have to tell you that you are numb now because your guard..your wall is up still. That wall is what is and has been protecting you all this time. When you leave...and you start finding yourself...those walls have to come down and sometimes they come down real hard...and its facing our own fears and insecurities that are our own worst enemies. You are a STRONG person for whatever decision you make. A STRONG person for taking care of yourself and your kids. A STRONG person for being honest about yourself and your relationship. You are absolutely right....NO ONE can save you but yourself. There is a difference between being "saved" and having "supports". Saved is when someone is going to do things FOR you....while supports cheer you on as YOU save yourself. You want advice? Get all the supports you need because you will need them...maybe you dont think now...but in time you may need them. Its one thing to leave...but its a whole other story on healing. Even though you are leaving an abusive relationship...you are leaving a marriage..a part of your life that you must mourn...even though you know its for the best...and dealing with emotions that will come up down the road.

I am a single mother of six (age 16,14,7,3,2,11 mos) and hadn't worked in 4 years because i too...was a stay at home mom. I got my supports in place so that i could move out on my own and am planning to go back to school in good time. The truth? I hit rock bottom a few times...its been hard but its also been the best thing i ever did in my life. I am still finding myself and my purpose and passion in this life....but the journey has taught me so many things...greater relationship with my kids...have met great people that i never wouldve met otherwise...found my independence and pride....building up my self esteem and self worth that i lost along the way...and most of all...i am not just ALIVE....i am LIVING.

When i left i didnt know what the future would bring me....the only way to get there is to live in the present...and take it one day at a time. Leave room for mistakes...room for growth...room for self care and love...room for change. I hope that your husband continues to get help and support...if anything for HIMSELF and for the interest of your kids. Whatever happens...remind yourself that is up to him and no one else.

[OhthePain]

From your post I can say you have come a long way and you will get where you want to in the end. But like the previous poster said, it will be a roller coaster. Like paj's aunty i'm a stay at home mom as well and although we have a business together my husband decides how much i get each month. He ends most of the money since the business brings in very little. I am scared of doing things i really like because he can decide not to give me any money if he wants to. the kids are almost out of the stage when they need me at home all the time. I am looking for a job now and when i get one, the story will change. I agree I let it happen but I must say my self esteem has taken a huge battering in this marriage but I am slowly building it back. Slowly