floridapad is throwing in the towel

[floridapad]

OK. I'm throwing in the towel. I can stand no more.

 

Some of you may know my story. Three children. Wife gave me the I love you but not in love with you speech. Found out about affair 3 months later. Forgave her (soul searched my ass off and cried not for the loss of my wife but for the self realizations I was coming to about myself), found out that she saw him again and seperated. OM dumps my wife and resigns from his job because of my threats to tell his wife. All of this broke my heart. A 20 year relationship and a family gone. POOf in the blink of an eye. But I stood by justifying her actions. Afterall she was going through an MLC (so says the counselor). After all she did say she cared about me alot and loved me (with tears in her eyes) and felt really guilty but she was simply not "in love" with me. So I kept up the hope.

 

Well guess what, Yes the guy truly did dump her and they haven't spoken for weeks, but now I see her profile pop up on match.com (no I am not a subscriber a friend saw it.). My God what a heartbreak, but not as bad as finding out about the initial affair. This woman is trying to get over her "soulmate", as she referred to the OM, by trying to find a new man within weeks (whatever happened to self reflection and time to allow yourself to not be so vulnerable)). As some of you said, the woman I knew has changed (or has she really?) and she may never come back. She is in love with being in love (romantic love) but more dangerously she is in love with the "idea" of being in romantic love. Some hormone rush that lasts a few years. She is destroying a family, children, crushing her own parents, my parents. But she can't shake that "idea/image". I AM DONE HOPING. It is too painful to keep this charade going. Her sister and parents (who do not want to see the marriage end because they know she is making a mistake) say "Give her a year. This woman is not my daughter".

 

Well guess what mother-in-law. She is. Will she change again back to her old self. I am confidant that once she gets Sh*tted on by all of the south florida guys and has done the dating scene and realized that yes men will date you and be your boyfriend and romance you because you got a hot body and speak Italian, but never will they be your life partner BECAUSE THEY DON"T WANT TO RAISE YOUR THREE CHILDREN (13,10 & 3). So go out and have your ego boost to kick up that low self esteem and for God's sake stop saying your sorry you never meant to hurt me now that your gone.

 

I was willing to work past the pain to make us work but unfortunately you do not have "feelings" for me Grass is greener etc....But you love me and want me as a freind (Ha!!!) I am leaving her with my head high,noble, honorable, classy and strong (not be a push over), because I KNOW two years from now she will remember this and all the love I poured in after the affair (and even some before it), all the soul searching I did, all the praying, all the true forgiveness, all the REAL changes that I made for myself and truly regret her decisions as I move on with someone who understands that love is a choice not just a feeling and that it takes a CHOICE to love in a long term relationship. Now I must control my anger, pray that she one day has the happiness I wish for myself (with someone else). This is the only way. The anger only eats at me and get reflected onto others. Forgiveness is the only way. Now, actions speak louder than words.

Sorry for the long vent but it hurts....Alot.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm very sorry for your pain, FP. I haven't been where you're at now, so I have no advice. But it doesn't sound like you need any. You've fought the good fight, have done everything you reasonably could and, yeah, it's time to walk away. Again, I'm very sorry.

[Surfer Girl]

It seems she isn't ready to be in a relationship with you.... and may be seeking other relationships so she doesn't have to deal with her issues.... I feel your pain, perhaps she is occupying her mind in having a fantasy relationship.... it is her issues to work out..... there is nothing you can say or do..... she may find the grass is not greener on the other side..... All you can do is detach and recognize this is not the woman you knew..... Once the fantasy wears off..... the stark reality may still come back to haunt her.....

[Aurelian]

Now is the time to protect yourself and your children. Lawyer up!! She is not in her right mind and cannot be trust to responsibly care for the children of the marriage. PROTECT YOUR FAMILY!!

[cyabye]

Flo,

 

Good post man. I feel for you. Going through the same myself. The anger hurts. I am struggling to let it go too. It takes time. Thank you for your post and good luck.

 

cyabye

[seibert253]

Now is the time to protect yourself and your children. Lawyer up!! She is not in her right mind and cannot be trust to responsibly care for the children of the marriage. PROTECT YOUR FAMILY!!

 

Yeah time to file and have her served. Go for full custody, house, cars, everything. She's the one walking.

 

She wants to go, fine. But, that doesn't mean you have to be a "gentlemen", and just stand aside while she takes everything with her. This is no longer about her, because we see she's selfish and egotistical. This about you and your kids. It's obvious she cares nothing about you or your children.

[LisaUk]

I'm so sorry for your pain. 20 years is a long time, (I know was with my ex 18). Why is it that they think it's ok to treat us like we are disposable? Human beings are not disposible, we have feelings. One day someone will screw her over, like you said, when that day comes she will come sniffing back round you and you will be able to say "no way babe, I can do so much better than you! You didn't value me!"

 

Keep posting, we're listening.

[floridapad]

I need to get myself back. I took the wrong path for the last two months. Started smoking and drinking my blues away. But now I have to get myself back. ....I need some words of encouragement and stories of moving on. Guess you have to go through it to realize it doesn't make the pain go away. I've stopped working out, stopped going to martial arts, stopped riding my bike and stopped doing anything healthy. Exchanged it for a lot of partying, which is getting old. Will I ever trust another woman again? How I do I resolve this? I can't even think about dating another woman right now. Not until I get myself back.

[singledad2]

I am right there with you....I have been throwing myself into the word letting God chisel on my weakness that got me here, focusing on my family and not taking care of myself. I have lots tons of weight but it cant be the healthy way. I havent resorted to partying....kinda hard with 3 kids 10 and under she abandoned me with. I'm still trying to get my arms around the household and hold down an executive VP job. Thank God for the angels around me willing to pitch in. Nobody understands how she could do this and don't condone here behaviour. But I am sitting here now wondering what I can do to not feel the heartbreak anymore. Yes, I feel love from the man upstairs and say its all I need. The devil is having a field day with my heart. I'm not helping you much, but I guess I hope for more posts that will help us both.

[Penelope-love]

Floripad,

 

I've never posted here before but have been reading your story. I'm posting because it hurts me every time I see a newbie giving up so quickly. You don't think you're a newbie? If this situation is less than a year old for you, you are a newbie.

 

I stood by justifying her actions. Afterall she was going through an MLC (so says the counselor).

MLC does not justify infidelity! Just because it is a reason does not make it reasonable or justifiable. Yes, MLC is why, but saying that you justified it is saying it was right and acceptable. Infidelity is never right or acceptable.

 

Afterall she did say she cared about me alot and loved me (with tears in her eyes) and felt really guilty but she was simply not "in love" with me. So I kept up the hope.

MLCers say those things, and guess what, they are true. That's just part of MLC craziness. It doesn't mean that they are unique in their crisis and it will be over quickly.

 

Well guess what, Yes the guy truly did dump her and they haven't spoken for weeks, but now I see her profile pop up on match.com (no I am not a subscriber a friend saw it.). My God what a heartbreak, but not as bad as finding out about the initial affair. This woman is trying to get over her "soulmate", as she referred to the OM, by trying to find a new man within weeks

Sorry, but of course she signed up on a dating site; she's in MLC. If the first affair ends the person will find another or the first affair will reignite. I know it hurts and I know you don't want to hear that; but that is how MLC works.

 

(whatever happened to self reflection and time to allow yourself to not be so vulnerable).

If she allowed herself time for those things this would not be MLC. MLC is about avoidance of self reflection.

 

She is in love with being in love (romantic love) but more dangerously she is in love with the "idea" of being in romantic love. Some hormone rush that lasts a few years.

Yeah, and that is part of typical MLC.

 

I AM DONE HOPING.

Good, because you are using hope improperly and misdefining it by linking it to expectation. Hope is something that can run in the background while you recover. It's there doing its thing and your wife is away doing her MLC thing while you heal.

 

It is too painful to keep this charade going. Her sister and parents (who do not want to see the marriage end because they know she is making a mistake) say

"Give her a year. This woman is not my daughter". Well guess what mother-in-law. She is.

She is…really? Come on, you know what her mother means. As for giving her a year; that won’t be enough. If this is MLC it may take a few years. Unfortunately I see people put these short timelines on how long they will give their spouses, especially men.

 

Will she change again back to her old self.

NO! Well, some may be like their old self, but after MLC people are changed, they grow but you won't see positive growth for a very long time because first they regress.

 

for God's sake stop saying your sorry you never meant to hurt me now that your gone.

Why should she stop saying she's sorry for something she is sorry? Because her words seem to contradict her actions? Welcome to MLC.

 

I was willing to work past the pain to make us work but

…but was in past tense and just like your wife regarding your marriage, you've changed your mind?

I am leaving her with my head high, noble, honorable, classy and strong (not be a push over), because I KNOW two years from now she will remember this and all the love I poured in after the affair (and even some before it), all the soul searching I did, all the praying, all the true forgiveness, all the REAL changes that I made for myself and truly regret her decisions as I move on with someone who understands that love is a choice not just a feeling and that it takes a CHOICE to love in a long term relationship.

Sounds self-righteous to me.

 

Now I must control my anger, pray that she one day has the happiness I wish for myself (with someone else). This is the only way.

Really, It's the only way? ONLY? It is a way and good luck to you, but it's not the only way. And you aren't done with you yet, you feel you gave true forgiveness and yet you are not there. You made real changes; you've got more to make.

 

The anger only eats at me and get reflected onto others. Forgiveness is the only way. Now, actions speak louder than words.

This is all true.

 

Sorry for the long vent but it hurts....Alot.

Yeah, I know. And if this is MLC it will get worse and worse and worse. It can also get better and better and better, but that is after the string of worses.

 

I need to get myself back. I took the wrong path for the last two months. Started smoking and drinking my blues away. ...I've stopped working out, stopped going to martial arts, stopped riding my bike and stopped doing anything healthy. Exchanged it for a lot of partying, which is getting old.

Those activities you describe are fundamental in your healing and recovery; and you know that. Doing them will help you move on either as a person who stands for your marriage or who refuses to reconcile in the future. They are essential, but they do not have to mean you are throwing in the towel which is not the same as moving on. Standing isn't still.

 

Will I ever trust another woman again? How I do I resolve this?

In the future. If and when she wants to return and if and when you say yes.

 

I can't even think about dating another woman right now. Not until I get myself back.

I'm glad you realize this. Many men (and some but fewer women) think the solution is to immediately start dating. I've read somewhere (can't recall where) that experts recommend a person wait until a year after a divorce is final. That is a divorce is final; not a year after separation.

 

Have you looked at the website Tojaz recommended on your first thread? There's a lot of content, so maybe you haven't read extensively if at all.

 

To learn about MLC, try this section:

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/midlife-crisis.html

 

To learn about personal recovery go here, there's an article about hope:

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus.html

 

To learn how to interact with someone in MLC read the articles here:

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions.html

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. MLC sucks, but it doesn't have to mean divorce, or it doesn't have to mean divorce is permanent; some reconcile after divorce. But it does mean it's going to be a long journey.

 

It was over four years for my marriage and we are still married and together.

[floridapad]

Penelope,

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond in such depth. I truly do appreciate it. I do want to say a few things in response to what you said.

 

Floripad,

 

I've never posted here before but have been reading your story. I'm posting because it hurts me every time I see a newbie giving up so quickly. You don't think you're a newbie? If this situation is less than a year old for you, you are a newbie. (Wife gave me the love you not in love with you speech 16 months ago, affair discovered 12 months ago and seperation occurred 3 months ago. She has been in MLC for probably almost two years)

 

 

 

 

Quote:

I AM DONE HOPING.

Good, because you are using hope improperly and misdefining it by linking it to expectation. Hope is something that can run in the background while you recover. It's there doing its thing and your wife is away doing her MLC thing while you heal. (Thank you. that does put persepctive on it)

 

 

Quote:

It is too painful to keep this charade going. Her sister and parents (who do not want to see the marriage end because they know she is making a mistake) say

"Give her a year. This woman is not my daughter". Well guess what mother-in-law. She is.

She is…really? Come on, you know what her mother means. As for giving her a year; that won’t be enough. If this is MLC it may take a few years. Unfortunately I see people put these short timelines on how long they will give their spouses, especially men. (short timelines???? It will be almost two years since this thing started (by my gauge). (I have stuck it out through thick and then. I do not plan on filing for divorce until March or April of next year and that will take 6 months. )

 

 

Quote:

Will she change again back to her old self.

NO! Well, some may be like their old self, but after MLC people are changed, they grow but you won't see positive growth for a very long time because first they regress. (without Positive growth I could never be with her again and I truly see no light at the end of the tunnel in this regard. She is running a million miles to escape whatever angst she has. I also have read that people who are in MLC must recognize it and accept it to understand it and deal with it. She does not accept that this is MLC but rather a change of heart. If she accepted it as MLC then I know at least there is progress and could see that she is recognizing things. But she does not.

 

Quote:

for God's sake stop saying your sorry you never meant to hurt me now that your gone.

Why should she stop saying she's sorry for something she is sorry? Because her words seem to contradict her actions? Welcome to MLC. (Because to me her apolgies are out of a sense of guilt (even as she continued to have the affair) and not out of feeling for MY pain. Yes this is selfish on my part but it is the only way I will know her apolgy is real. That she has felt MY pain. I have not only felt my pain but felt HER pain of the MLC guilt etc. I sat up at night purposely reflecting and trying to actually put myself into her sense of being in order to understand it all and it was very painful indeed. She was going through alot as was I.)

 

Quote:

I was willing to work past the pain to make us work but

…but was in past tense and just like your wife regarding your marriage, you've changed your mind? (What marriage?? There is no more marriage. My wife is out dating half of south florida through match.com and you feel this is still a marriage?

 

Quote:

I am leaving her with my head high, noble, honorable, classy and strong (not be a push over), because I KNOW two years from now she will remember this and all the love I poured in after the affair (and even some before it), all the soul searching I did, all the praying, all the true forgiveness, all the REAL changes that I made for myself and truly regret her decisions as I move on with someone who understands that love is a choice not just a feeling and that it takes a CHOICE to love in a long term relationship.

Sounds self-righteous to me. ( Perhaps, but those are my actions and yes I am proud of them so pardon me for trying to boost my own sense of self worth, because I nearly let my wife take it away. I could have kicked her to the curb (literally), exposed the affair to the world, been mean, unforgiving, uncaring, not understanding for the last year and a half, gotten her fired etc. etc.

 

Quote:

Now I must control my anger, pray that she one day has the happiness I wish for myself (with someone else). This is the only way.

Really, It's the only way? ONLY? It is a way and good luck to you, but it's not the only way. And you aren't done with you yet, you feel you gave true forgiveness and yet you are not there. You made real changes; you've got more to make. (Forgiveness and I am not there??? We are seperated. Not sure what one has to do with the other? On the me part, You are right. I am not done with me yet and have a ways to go. Could never have happened without the affair and the seperation and the spiritual work. This was an incredible experience that has awakened something inside of me that I never thought was there. But I do have more to go and I do need to stop focusing on my wifes issues and get back to mine. I do care about her immensely but I find myself straying from focusing on myself, butI am slowly improving this day by day. Thank you for the reminder)

 

Quote:

The anger only eats at me and get reflected onto others. Forgiveness is the only way. Now, actions speak louder than words.

This is all true.

 

 

Quote:

Sorry for the long vent but it hurts....Alot.

Yeah, I know. And if this is MLC it will get worse and worse and worse. It can also get better and better and better, but that is after the string of worses.

 

 

Quote:

I need to get myself back. I took the wrong path for the last two months. Started smoking and drinking my blues away. ...I've stopped working out, stopped going to martial arts, stopped riding my bike and stopped doing anything healthy. Exchanged it for a lot of partying, which is getting old.

Those activities you describe are fundamental in your healing and recovery; and you know that. Doing them will help you move on either as a person who stands for your marriage or who refuses to reconcile in the future. They are essential, but they do not have to mean you are throwing in the towel which is not the same as moving on. Standing isn't still. (You are wise. Thank you for being my conscience. I truly do appreciate it. Its just damn hard to think about reconciliation when my wife is doing what she is doing. I am slowly feeling that even if she were to come back I would be second fiddle and it would not sit well with me). She is sweet as pie to me but I am maintaining my distance because I know it is just self serving on her part in order to end her guilt. But I am maintaining my distance mostly because I need to continue focusing on myself and I can't do that while I'm emotionaly sucked back into her.

 

Quote:

Will I ever trust another woman again? How I do I resolve this?

In the future. If and when she wants to return and if and when you say yes. (You may be right on this. I feel where you are coming from. It is that simple but it takes alot of resolve and want.

 

 

Quote:

I can't even think about dating another woman right now. Not until I get myself back.

I'm glad you realize this. Many men (and some but fewer women) think the solution is to immediately start dating. I've read somewhere (can't recall where) that experts recommend a person wait until a year after a divorce is final. That is a divorce is final; not a year after separation. (Sorry but I won't be able to wait that long. Part of what she is doing is seeing if the grass is greener and who knows it may be. Not sure why I should put myself on hold with other relationships. I will wait until I am ready. I started with one girl but realized pretty quickly that my head and heart was not in it so I let her know and cut her lose to be just freinds, but she wanted more.)

 

Have you looked at the website Tojaz recommended on your first thread? There's a lot of content, so maybe you haven't read extensively if at all. ( I will check the sites out, but I have read my ass off. Had to in order to understand. Understanding and forgiveness was the onlyway I got through as long as I did.

To learn about MLC, try this section:

[COLOR=#990000]http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvo...fe-crisis.html[/COLOR]

 

To learn about personal recovery go here, there's an article about hope:

[COLOR=#990000]http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvo...elf-focus.html[/COLOR]

 

To learn how to interact with someone in MLC read the articles here:

[COLOR=#660000]http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvo...g-actions.html[/COLOR]

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. MLC sucks, but it doesn't have to mean divorce, or it doesn't have to mean divorce is permanent; some reconcile after divorce. But it does mean it's going to be a long journey.

 

It was over four years for my marriage and we are still married and together. (WOW. I admire your tenacity and strength. Thank you for the words of wisdom and frankness. It gives me a bit of levelty Who is in MLC, you or him?)

[floridapad]

By the way. I apologize if some of my responses sounded a bit terse. I have been at this a while (almost two years) and the only time it gets easier is when I imagine moving on and not having to "work" on the marriage anymore. I'm just getting fed up that my wife doesn't see everything I have done for her and me even though she says she does. You have made some great points and I truly do appreciate you responding in such away and hope you will be my conscience again. Thank you.

[Penelope-love]

By the way. I apologize if some of my responses sounded a bit terse.

You didn't seem terse; you seemed upset, frustrated and hurt--completely within expectations.

 

the only time it gets easier is when I imagine moving on and not having to "work" on the marriage anymore.

This right here is the key. It is your attempts to work on your marriage--to control outcomes--that are causing you to spin and avoid progressing.

Work on your marriage during MLC by working on yourself. If you are working on the marriage you have not detached.

 

I'm just getting fed up that my wife doesn't see everything I have done for her and me even though she says she does.

If she says she notices, take such statements as truth. But let her point out when she notices things rather than asking her.

People in MLC do notice, but often what they notice is beneath awareness and as they progress through MLC they will start to recall or notice. Your wife may not remember specific things or her own behaviors from this crisis; some do and some don't. But she will remember how you treat her.

 

You have every right to feel hurt, angry, frustrated... But what good is it doing you? Is it helping you personally? Is it helping your marriage?

Those feelings are not bad; they are normal. Embrace them because it is only through them that you can let them go.

[singledad2]

Just letting you know I care. Thanks for all your help on my thread. Let's make it through to the other side of this. Greater things are ahead if we let HIM take the wheel.

[floridapad]

I'm doing good singledad. Some days better than others. One day I feel great and the next not so much. My wife(???) called and asked if I wanted to go to dinner at her parents house. I get the sense she still feels guilty and wants to be friends but I just can't do it now. I know the situation you are in is far tougher than mine with the wife, but there are days where I wish mine was just gone. Would make it a lot easier for me to move on. Unfortunately she was the first woman I fell in love with and ironically enough the single biggest thing at the top of my list for marrying her was that I could trust her. She was not like the other women I dated. She was utterly selfless and did not sleep around, but now she has become the most selfish person I know and has comitted adultery. Never had my heart broken before in my entire life and man does it SUCK. Not to mention she is my wife of 15 years and the mother of my children. I went out a couple of times with a girl just to try, and I just couldn't give anything. Back to myself will be the mantra for the next 6 months. My 13 year old daughter is now beginning to struggle with the seperation. She misses me. She still keeps up hope and is refusing to accept it. "But dad, you love mom and she loves you." How do you explain love and MLC to a child? She would be utterly SHOCKED if she found out she had an affair or was even on match.com. She's very protective. She often says "If you ever bring another woman around or mommy brings another man around, you better makes sure there are no sharp objects or pots of hot coffee with in reach". I've got to get myself back.....and yes the man up stairs has been helping me alot. There are things that hapened to me in the last 12 months (that I will explain one day) that basically let me know for a FACT that there is indeed a man upstairs (or do I dare say a woman :-). Hope all is well and try the Xanax 50mg. It settles your head down when you sleep.

[cyabye]

I hope you meant Xanax 5 mg? You wouldn't be typing here if it was 50 mg. Hope you feel better.

 

Cyabye

[floridapad]

LOL. I actually meant .50mg. Just looked at the bottle. Thanks for the catch. Singledad2 would be comatose by now.

[singledad2]

Who am I? Where am I??? LOL...

[cyabye]

0.50 mg is what I meant to type. I think the max you can be prescribed is 3 mg and it's the Xanax extended release. I used to take 1 mg and I am big guy (6 ft 4 in and at the time weighed 300 lbs) and it would knock me on my butt. It definately helped through some anxiety/depression but I would not use it for long term use.

 

cyabye