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Riding the fence

Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 6th January 2003, 6:10 AM   #1
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Riding the fence

Does anyone have any thoughts?

My wife and I have been married for about 15 months, and it has not been easy for either of us since day 1.

The source of our problems lies in the fact that, while we both live overeas, I am an ex-pat American and she is a native here. I am truly not happy living where we live, though I have been trying to make the best of it and working my tail off to create some type of career here.

Irrespective of how things are going career-wise, I cannot bear the thought of living here any longer and have tried to communicate to her that I would like us to be open to moving somewhere else overseas and trying to find a place where we would both be happy.

Her reply, in a nutshell, is that she has no intention of moving and refuses to ever engage in the conversation.

Well, after many attempts at the same conversation, we finally had the big blow-up where she packed her bags and left. She is adamant that she will not return to me if I still insist on eventually moving away.

While I understand that marriage has its ups and downs and is full of compromise, I honestly believe that this is a fundamental issue that can only be resolved with one party conceding one hundred percent.

While I can accept the idea of compromise, I just can't see myself sacrificing my fundamental happiness. I have tried making a life for myself out here and do not see any further future. In fact, I fear that the "salad days" for people like me out here are over. Honestly, I do not have the intestinal fortitude or the cultural skills to completely remake myself in the image of what people out here expect.

Friends have counseled me that I should just table the issue and hope that time changes how she feels. But I get the sinking feeling that throwing a tantrum and forcing me to retract the subject each time I bring up the discussion is a morally abhorrent way of forcing us to table the conversation until so much time has passed that circumstances would prevent a move.

The subject has killed us as a couple. She now insists on leading her very full like with her friends outside the home and I spent much of the holidays alone.

Any thoughts? (Keeping in mind that I have probably re-oriented the narrative to present myself in the best possible light).
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Old 6th January 2003, 8:48 AM   #2
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There seems to be no compromise....

YOU ASK: "Any thoughts?"

Yes, you have gone something like 450 days in a marriage that has been unhappy and unfulfilling..."since day one" as you say. Eventually, one of you was going to move out. It was inevitable.

Obviously you didn't discuss moving possiblities prior to marriage and work out that very major detail at that time. Making very major changes so soon after a marriage in which both of the parties have great but opposite expectations is something that will never happen.

You've talked, she resists. You are unwilling to compromise. Go see a good divorce attorney and start the ball rolling.

Go outside, run a few miles and then take a very cold shower. Then come back to your computer and read your own post. Your marriage has been difficult for its entire term. Your wife DOES NOT want to move...she's told you time and time again and she's so sick of repeating her uncompromising position she has moved out.

Once you come into reality, you will see you have reached a stalemant in this marriage, a place beyond which you cannot move forward. It's over.

If your wife would give in after counselling or some other miracle, she will resent it all the days of your life and your marriage will continue to be sour.

Get real here. Things are what they are. They aren't going to change. In my opinion, this marriage got off on some really sour notes if it hasn't ever been truly on track. Why would you want to continue a bad relationship on into the future when you can learn some lessons, cut your losses, and go find a woman who likes to move???

Better yet, get a divorce, move to somewhere you really like, and then find a nice lady who is open to moving in the future should that be required.
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Old 7th January 2003, 5:16 PM   #3
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I think getting a divorce may be a tad bit drastic. Since when do couples divorce over unhappy living arrangements. Marriage is sure not what it use to be. This world is going to you know where in a hand basket........but anyway back to you...............I think this situation requires a lot of communication on both of your parts. It seems like right now, she is very comfortable and not willing to budge. But common sense would say to me that if my mate is suffering or having a terrible time adjusting to my culture that I would be willing to relocate to a place that we could both possibly love for the good of the household. It does not make sense to have one person enjoying themselves and one person uncomfortable. I think your wife is being a little selfish. How would she feel if the shoes were reversed and it was her feeling uncomfortable? My advice is not to give up. Really explain how you feel and that you would prefer to move with her instead of without her. Maybe you can bring home travel books (as hints)so that she really takes you seriously and not think of it as a passing emotion that you will get over. Maybe you guys can visit some of the places as vacations just to kind of get a feel for the atmosphere. I think this is just a small speed bump on the never ending road of marriage..............not necessarily one to end because of. If she is really adamant about not wanting to leave than that's the road you will have to cross...........I don't know, maybe you can start taking an active interest in her culture even going out with her. But if "home" no matter where it maybe is making you "sick" than you may have to weigh your options as to what is truly in your best interest. Good luck!
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Old 8th January 2003, 12:13 PM   #4
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Its a lack of co-operation. How is there a team or marriage if they both dont try to work together...instead of one insisiting on having it ONE way and ONE way ONLY. That's not love.
That's just what I think....

UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better. It's not.

"The Lorax" Dr. Seuss
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