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How do I know what to believe?

Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 13th December 2002, 12:06 AM   #1
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How do I know what to believe?

I have been married almost 8 years and separated almost 8 months. from the start my husband had a violent temper and he was a compulsive lier. (he still is) I finally left him because I didn't want to live in fear anymore.

Now he wants me back, but I am finally happy. I used to cry everyday. I don't anymore. He tells me he's better and that he loves me but I can't say I love him.

My problem is I have a 8 year old boy and he loves his daddy even though he would be terrified when his daddy would go into a rage he still loves him and he asks me all the time when we are going back to his daddy.

How do I know what to say. I don't want to ruin my sons life. My husband said I am hurting my son by not going back to him. But I feel like my son seeing his mom pined to the floor while his daddy is choking her might hurt him more. Am I wrong should I go back for my son sake? Should I believe my husband is better?
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Old 13th December 2002, 12:55 AM   #2
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You are correct in this matter....

It is not in your or your son's best interests for you to go back to an abusive mate. What your son observes in that situation will be more damaging than any damage that may be done by keeping him yourself.

I seriously doubt your ex has changed. And, NO, it would never be right to go back to a violent and deceitful man for the sake of your son...why would you even think that?

It's unfortunate your son is way too young to understand what's going on. If you can afford it, enlist the help of a psychologist in dealing with this issue. If not, I think it's best to be honest and straightforward with this boy and tell him you will not be going back to his father because of his father's unacceptable behavior.

I hope you are able to work out some visitation system so your son can see his father once in a while, as long as you are not put in any danger.

I'm very glad you are getting back to a state of happiness in your life. Don't put that in jeopardy no matter what!
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Old 13th December 2002, 9:08 AM   #3
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stay the course

What you're describing is a classic scenario from the unhappy annals of domestic abuse. Your husband will say whatever it takes to get you & your son back under his control. He might even believe that he's better. He is not. Chances are overwhelming that if you ever went back, not only would things revert to the way they were before (almost immediately), they would be worse. Leaving is your only threat against your husband's abuse. If you relent, you show him that a) you didn't really mean it, and b) that if he hounds you and manipulates enough, he will get what he wants. You can only leave once -- you go back and he'll never believe that you'd leave again.

If there's any way you can get some counseling, please do. It's vital that you have informed, strong support as you go through the process of extricating yourself from a situation that you never should have tolerated even once. I'm not trying to be harsh with you, and it's so good that you're out of there, but you MUST be strong in order to stay out of there, and you're going to need help in order to make it happen. Check out women's shelters or whatever community groups offer services to women. If you're religious, your church or group might have something suitable to help you, but if their over-arching goal is to see marriages "saved" and divorces prevented, then they're not going to be able to help you appropriately. This is not a problem that can be worked out between you and your husband.

Good luck.
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Old 13th December 2002, 11:07 AM   #4
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Your son

Probably just needs reassurance that both his parents love him. If your husband has never been abusive to your son, your son just might be saying he misses his dad and wants to spend more time with his dad.
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Old 19th December 2002, 5:24 PM   #5
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No, your husband is hurting your son mentally by being abusive to you. Don't let him turn this on you and make it seem like you are hurting him. If anything, you were protecting him and taking him out of an abusive atmosphere. No child needs to be privy to that. Your husband (and you if you do nothing) will be raising a future abuser. I think you have done well to leave. You don't deserve that treatment and your son does not deserve to witness that treatment. STOP THE VICIOUS CYCLE NOW! Our children are sponges. They soak up their environment. The negative things that they see their parents doing will become socially acceptable. Abuse, in it's various forms, is not acceptable by any means. Let your husband seek some counseling to determine why he is so abusive. And get counseling separate with you and your son. Your son will need it to thrive as a respectable citizen and you will need it to help you in raising your child and with any other relationships you become involved in. There are plenty of single moms raising their kids successfully. That's not to say that your son shouldn't see his father, but you both deserve to be happy and not live in fear. Let him spend time with his father and do things with him. Having a dad is important in every child's life. But not at the expense of one parent being used as a punching bag. Do not let anyone force you into making a decision. Ultimately, it is yours. But if you feel so much better as a human being without being with your spouse, than I think you already know the answer to your question. People say stay for the sake of the kids. It is so much better. And maybe to a certain extent, it's good to have two loving parents in the home. But ask yourself...........was he thinking about the sake of your son when he was beating you?

Forgive me for my candor. But this hits very close to home. Get you and your son into counseling. Your husband started the abuse, now it's time for you to end it. Best wishes!
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Old 23rd December 2002, 1:29 PM   #6
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Don't mistake your ex's intentions. He does not care about the best intrests of your son. If he did...he would have been a good example to your son and showed him how to treat a lady...especially the lady whose ground she walks on, should be worshiped upon by her husband.

He is just manipulating you and trying to pull your heart strings and push your buttons to get what HE wants...and that is control over you. Leave this creep alone. Your son is young, and of course he loves his daddy, but years from now, he will thank you for taking him out of that scary situation.
That's just what I think....

UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better. It's not.

"The Lorax" Dr. Seuss
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Old 4th January 2003, 6:45 PM   #7
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I think that your self would might still be in danger if you went back to him. Has he recieved any counceling at all for his abuse? I know that between a man and woman things are said and done all the time to make one another mad or just hurt them but to choke you on the floor infront of your child or touch you like that at all is wrong. Your son seeing them kind of things at his age will last in his head forever. You should make him get help then have a councler help you deside if after than it is safe to let your child be around him alone. Dont ever stop your child from seeing him because he is the father of him and should have that right, just make sure that there is always someone with them until you can get the proper help. I wish you all the best.
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