sexually unsatisfied

[stanggirl]

I have been married for 11 years. My husband and I get along but we are miles apart. He is just not satisfying me sexually or emotionally. I try to tell him what I want as far as sex and he does it but I am still not satisfied. He doesnt ever last very long either. He went to a doctor and was evaluated and they couldnt find anything wrong. I am at a loss and now am starting to think about going elsewhere. The urges are so strong I cant stand it. I want to tell him but am not sure how he will react.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I believe what you are experiencing is very common in marriage. IMHO, the true test of your commitment to this marriage is how you will handle things from here.

 

One suggestion I might have is Dr. Laura Berman in Chicago. She has been known to help a couples make great strides forward in situations like these... She's even been on the Oprah show and and is well respected for her ability to work with couples in improving their sex life.

 

There are other options too, but most importantly seeking to satisfy your urges elsewhere would definitely be the wrong move... You knew that before you even posted.

 

As you suggested, you need to talk to him about it. If he will react badly that is still better than letting it go on longer without being addressed...

[The Blue Pill]

If you want to stay in your marriage, then you and him need to put serious effort into solving your problems. If you can't do that, then either suck it up, or start masturbating.

 

Under no circumstances should you be "Looking elsewhere". If you want something new, end your marriage FIRST.

 

I have no respect for cheaters, no matter how unsatisfied you may be. Have some respect for your husband.

[HiYa'll]

If you are actually comfortable writing in an open internet forum that you are "starting" to think about looking elsewhere I worry that you may:

 

1) ...already have decided you want to do that and are looking for validation.

 

2) ...have already done it and are looking for validation.

 

Hopefully neither one of those are true. If you love your husband as you say you do then there is no possible way to rationalize screwing someone else. If it's that important to you...divorce him. Then go do whatever you bloody well please. You will hurt him less by leaving him than by having him catch you banging other guys.

 

Also...does he not care about pleasing you? is he physically unable to please you? or are you just plain not interested in him so nothing he does is ever likely to please you? Settle that for yourself. #1 is something he has to fix. #2 is something you can work out if you are patient with him and communicate your needs. #3 is probably never going to change so either be prepared to live with that or end the relationship.

 

You both deserve happiness in life. If this can't be fixed then don't make it a hundred times worse by cheating on your husband of 11 years.

[whichwayisup]

The urges are so strong I cant stand it. I want to tell him but am not sure how he will react.

 

All the more reason to tell him. Let him react, maybe it'll be a good thing and he'll realize how miserable you are, it'll be enough to make him put more effort in and want to change. Doing nothing and being scared of his reaction is NOT helping, so just be honest and talk to him about this stuff.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am at a loss and now am starting to think about going elsewhere.

 

Either stand by your husband, who is trying, or divorce him and set him free from you.

[carhill]

You've already looked elsewhere, at least in your mind.

 

Your husband knows. Those signals got out. Tell me about his needs. He has communicated them to you, right?

[seibert253]

All the more reason to tell him. Let him react, maybe it'll be a good thing and he'll realize how miserable you are, it'll be enough to make him put more effort in and want to change. Doing nothing and being scared of his reaction is NOT helping, so just be honest and talk to him about this stuff.

 

Have to agree 100%. If you love him, you will work this out. If being able to have an orgasm is more important to you than loving your husband, then you have a problem, not your husband.

[sedgwick]

Have to agree 100%. If you love him, you will work this out. If being able to have an orgasm is more important to you than loving your husband, then you have a problem, not your husband.

 

And I have to DISAGREE 100%. You can love someone very much and still want sex. I got out of a sexless marriage because I felt that going the rest of my life dissatisfied was not an option.

 

Telling someone who is deeply dissatisfied with their marital sex life to just "start masturbating" is extremely shortsighted. I know there are a lot of people here whose spouses have cheated on them, and I'm sorry for that. But please try not to bring your own experience into this, and truly help the OP with her issue.

[toddro]

Give me a call.

[Gunny376]

Two books that you might want to purchase and have him read, (both quick and easy reads)

 

"How To Give Her Absolute Pleasure " by Lou Padget (a woman sex counselor that teaches seminars about sex across the nation)

 

"How To Satisfy A Woman Every Time.......and have her beg for more!" by Naura Hayden (explains sex from a woman's perspective)

 

Since applying what they suggested, I've had women tell me, "Sex was NEVER one our problems!" and even had one tell me, "Your an @sshole, but I still want to have sex with you, just not an relationship!"

 

Naura gets into vitamins, holistic healing and legalizing pot, but other than that she's got some good advice. Its a small book he can read in under thirty minutes.

 

Lou's book might be one that both of you might want to read.

 

A lot of men are pretty clueless when it comes to sex. They don't talk about sex as women do among themselves, and they (and the women their with) assume that they know what they're doing.

 

When I applied just Naura's one "technique" it yielded tremendous "dividends" on my partners behave.

[pelicanpreacher]

There are many things that you can do to make him last longer but you may have to be proactive and take charge of the matter. Make him double or triple up on rubbers, buy some "extends" and viagra, make sure he eats and excercises, limit alcohol, drug, and caffeine consumption, and read books together on sex and sexual techniques. You're acting as if he should have come into your marital bed an expert without realizing that before he met you he may have lived his life in a shy and retiring manner while, in your case, you may have been drilled too deep and too often to be satisfied with the inept fumblings of a "Gomer". If this is why you're unequally yolked at this juncture in your lives then you have a launch point to begin your mutual journey of discovery where your insight should prove valuable in releasing the beast within him! If our biggest erogenous zone lies between our ears then mutually start your explorations there lest you find yourself cast as the boring sexual partner because of your own limited perspective!

[Gunny376]

There are many things that you can do to make him last longer but you may have to be proactive and take charge of the matter. Make him double or triple up on rubbers, buy some "extends" and viagra, make sure he eats and excercises, limit alcohol, drug, and caffeine consumption, and read books together on sex and sexual techniques. You're acting as if he should have come into your marital bed an expert without realizing that before he met you he may have lived his life in a shy and retiring manner while, in your case, you may have been drilled too deep and too often to be satisfied with the inept fumblings of a "Gomer". If this is why you're unequally yolked at this juncture in your lives then you have a launch point to begin your mutual journey of discovery where your insight should prove valuable in releasing the beast within him! If our biggest erogenous zone lies between our ears then mutually start your explorations there lest you find yourself cast as the boring sexual partner because of your own limited perspective!

 

AS always PelicanPreacher! Well written and well said!

[Nomad1]

To go as far as suggest going elsewhere is a clear indication that the marriage is finished. It is rational to consider alternatives in pursuit of your fulfillment. However, you must act with integrity and sensitivity with your stbx husband. You must tell him exactly what you said here. Maybe he too feels dissatisfied and sexually unfulfilled but his priorities may be different from yours. You are probably mismatched and both need to be with more compatible partners. He will respect you more if you are honest with him. Whatever you do, avoid cake eating at all cost!

 

Good luck

 

Nomad1

[socialight]

>> The urges are so strong I cant stand it. I want to tell him but am not sure how he will react.

 

I would think that almost married men, when notified properly that their wives are extremely horny and need more sex, will respond in a positive manner.

[wifesgone]

My neibors had that problem, we were all best friends, and they knew we had a great sex life. (don't know how they would know that) ;>)

But anyway they worked out there problems. They loved each other. They use toys and oral all the time now to please her. I am a firm believer that a great sex life is very important to a good marriage. Without the passion, there will always be something missing in the relationship. Even if everything else if perfect.

[OneFootOut]

I don't know how old you are poster, but you may be going through your "sexual peak". I hit mine between 33-35 and you are right about the urges being incredibly and overwhelmingly strong.

 

But, I agree with everyone who said not to cheat on him. At least he is with you and trying. Maybe you should stop complaining about his performance and try to take the lead more. You probably wouldn't want to please someone either if they kept complaining you weren't good enough.

 

Enjoy what you get from him and appreciate his efforts. Your 'peak' will settle down after a while, and frankly, if you are experiencing one as powerful as I did, I seriously doubt anyone would be able to satisfy you right now ;o) Take some of the work on yourself, even if you have pleasure yourself just for the sheer relief, and enjoy your husband for what he can and is giving you.

 

Like the others said, if you feel you just HAVE to go elsewhere, respect him enough to let him go FIRST.

[OneFootOut]

I am a firm believer that a great sex life is very important to a good marriage. Without the passion, there will always be something missing in the relationship. Even if everything else if perfect.

 

just wanted to give that statement a big ole AMEN!

[highfive]

There are many things that you can do to make him last longer but you may have to be proactive and take charge of the matter. Make him double or triple up on rubbers, buy some "extends" and viagra, make sure he eats and excercises, limit alcohol, drug, and caffeine consumption, and read books together on sex and sexual techniques. You're acting as if he should have come into your marital bed an expert without realizing that before he met you he may have lived his life in a shy and retiring manner while, in your case, you may have been drilled too deep and too often to be satisfied with the inept fumblings of a "Gomer". If this is why you're unequally yolked at this juncture in your lives then you have a launch point to begin your mutual journey of discovery where your insight should prove valuable in releasing the beast within him! If our biggest erogenous zone lies between our ears then mutually start your explorations there lest you find yourself cast as the boring sexual partner because of your own limited perspective!

 

OP, Pelicanpreacher has provided excellent advice but I feel compelled to add some additional comments about premature ejaculation (PE):

 

I have suffered from PE all my life, and it has been a nagging issue for me for many years. Your husband probably feels the same as I did; sexually inadequate. My wife always assured me that it was not an issue for her, but I could not help feeling bad, because I was not able to please her (bring her to the Big O) through intercourse.

 

As it turns out, I later learned that many women cannot achieve orgasm through intercourse anyway!

You must not blame him because it is not his fault. His lack of ejaculatory control is a result of the way he was made, and he can't change it, just like he can't change the color of his skin or eyes.

 

Maybe he is avoiding sex because he feels inadequate and is stressed about his performance?

 

I have studied PE for many years and can offer the following info and advice: About 1 in 3 men will suffer PE sometime during their lives. The majority of men with PE have absolutely no control because of the way they are made and wired - their nerve endings are are more sensitive and they reach orgasm quickly.

 

I read many books and articles on the subject, and tried various treatments but none of them worked, until one day I read a paper on the use of anti-depressants for treatment of PE. A common side-effect of anti-depressant drugs (SSRIs or Tricyclics), is delayed orgasm. Doctors now treat PE with either daily or on-demand dosages of these drugs.

 

It all sounded very promising, so I went to see my doctor and he gave me a prescription for paxil. It certainly worked but I did not like the way it made me feel so he switched me to Clomipramine. Now, I take 25mg of the drug on-demand about 5 hours prior to activity and it works very well. I won't go into the intimate details, but I can tell you it gives me a sense of control that I never had before, and I can last much, much longer. It does, however, upset my sleep pattern for the night, and I feel a little lazy the next day but it is worth it. I suggest that you should talk to your husband about this and visit the doctor.

 

Keep in mind that your husband is probably very sensitive about this issue, so you should approach the issue with love and compassion, and not seem angry or resentful.

 

Hope this helps.