She moved out, Is it over???????

[wifesgone]

Married 7 years, she has one kid from another marriage 9, and we have one together 6. I have been his Daddy since he was 18 months old, when his father quit paying child support and quit visitation. I am 27 and she is 30. We have faught in the past but have always worked it out or so I thought.

My wife told me she wasn't happy about a month ago, this was kindof out of the blue. I realize the things I have done, and I have expressed over the last 3 weeks that I wanted to work on them. I am not the only one that has done things wrong though, all of this is totally communications problems no cheating from me anyway and I don't suspect any from her. I have been researching Marital Councelors and therapists in the area. I agreed to do whatever it took for us to work out our problems. She said she needed her space so she went to stay with her mom this week.

Well now I find out she has rented a house and is supposed to move in this weekend. She wants to start back over with us, IE. Dating again. She doesn't want to see a councelor unless the "dating again" fails after 6 months. I am totally confused and lost. I don't know what to do. No just a few minutes ago she said it is not only problems with us it is problems with herself also.

My question is this.

Is the marriage over once she moves out on her own? I mean I have offered everything to keep her at home. I see it as she is calling it quits. I am looking for some input, I have noone to talk to really. None of my family has ever been divorced. And we don't really have any friends in the area.

[SRV]

"Needs space", "I love you but not in love with you", "not been happy for a long time" et al is code that she has found space, love and happiness else where with someone else.

 

"She wants to start dating again" means that if her new beau does not pan out as intended, then she will have to fall back to the option that she knows best, you, that "should" be waiting for her just in case.

 

She has made her choice, you need to make yours, what you deem to be appropriate, you know yourself better.

[PWSX3]

I feel you need counseling, their is more to it then she is sharing & with counseling it will come to the surface.

 

My only suggestion is you can't do anything with what she is wanting to do, so look hard at yourself & see what you can do to better yourself & 3 weeks is not enough time to figure it out. I have been at this for over six months & I'm just scratching the surface.

 

I also have to share that it is hard looking at yourself but it is very rewarding once you get started....

Once you do this even if things don't work out you will be a better person & it will also help you decide if you want her back.

 

Words don't mean anything to them, but if they see you getting along without them then they will start paying attention.... Just my thoughts.

[carhill]

IMO, people who want a M to work do not move out.

 

The good news is that she abandoned the marital home. This should help with divorce and custody issues. Get legal advice before doing anything.

 

Continue to insist on marriage counseling. Begin IC yourself if you feel you need help. My sympathies.

 

Oh, and don't worry about "the other guy". If she's a monkey-branch personality, then you have a good answer. It's not about you

[Nomad1]

Save your energy! The lady is not for turning! The bottom line is, as far as she is concerned, you no longer do it for her. She desires someone else and may already have started a relationship. Bid her farewell!! There are plenty where she came from. Keep moving forward. Sooner or later you will realise it is the only way!

 

Nomad1

[OneFootOut]

You know what, only you and your wife can define your relationship, or the problems in it. It might not be over if there are things that can be fixed and you both work to do so. And though it is an unpopular belief here, there is not always another man involved, so don't give up just yet.

 

I think your first step is to get real open and honest with her no matter how raw it is or how bad it might hurt. You both need to be honest with each other about what is going on and how you feel and what each of you wants and needs. Once you have it all on the table, you can at least have a starting point. Then you can decide what direction to go.

 

My husband moved out Monday. He is not seeing anyone else, and he is not wanting a divorce. He also said he wishes to back up and start over - dating, hanging out, getting to know each other again. He has some issues within himself to work out and needed the space and time to do it. I am going to see him through whatever he needs to go through before deciding to stay or go, even if that means I am nothing more than his friend right now.

 

I know it hurts and its confusing, but space doesn't always have to mean its over. Maybe the two of you can help each other work things out and give it another go in the future? Here's hoping.

[wifesgone]

I appreciate all the comments. I just got an email a while ago that said. Most of the problems are me not us. Whatever the hell that means. She says she is not so much not happy with us as she is not happy with her. I know she hasn't gotten another man. I paid well to find that out.

She didn't say she wanted to date other people she said she wanted us to date again. I have never heard of such BS.

[carhill]

That's called the "Soft Landing"™

[wifesgone]

I appreciate it guys and gals.

I am to the point I just want to know, if its over or not. Only so I know whether to move on or not.

It is painful but part of life I guess. Life goes on.

[Chrome Barracuda]

She's the one with the issues and you should just file for divorce right now.

 

Whoever said moving out to date your spouse so you can resolve your issues!? WTF? she wants to excersize her options meaning see other people without feeling guilty about it. I suggest you go over to a lawyer asap. Why play games, marriage isnt a game. it's either your in or your out? She cant blame you she left without an explanation, what does she expect you t wait forever? I dont get some women.

 

Dont you want to live a full life with yourself or someone better, no one wants to be married to a F-ing coward.

[TrustInYourself]

Relax. Time is on your side. It's not over, unless you want it over.

[Navin_R_Johnson]

^^agreed. don't panic. She wants to date you. That is a heck of a start. Most of us did not get that chance.

 

You might as well accept the dating for now if that's what you want. You need to get in the mindset that you'll be just fine without her, but you prefer to make the marriage work. You may find that, after this "dating" period, she is not what's best for you. Don't think of it as only you trying to win her back, but her having to win you back.

 

I have a friend at work who was blindsided by his ex-wife. I had just been through this same deal a few months prior, so I was pretty perceptive to something going on. She had a BF, he played everything perfectly (after the initial shock, begging, self-pity. They got divorced in Jan. He bought another house. Now they are planning on getting re-married in a few months. I really wonder if it is right. But anyway, you NEVER know how these things will turn out.

 

Do no further harm to right now. Take it easy, don't beg or pursue her, be happy...or learn to be happy with yourself. Again, don't beg, plead, pursue, whatever...it is very unattractive and will always fail.

[carhill]

Words are the woman's arsenal. Weaving emotions with her words is a long-practiced craft.

 

My wife and I invariably had good "dates" after MC sessions. There were only a few which left us far apart when concluded. OP, six months of "dating" while separated means IMO that she's got someone else on the hook. You can "date" her in MC

[Lizzie60]

My thoughts: you don't have much of a choice.. she needs space, freedom, whatever ... but she will get it.. whether you like it or not.. so my advice.. let her have some time by herself to sort things out... work together on a time frame... she can't be on her own for months.. let her know that you are ready to give her some slack.. but you need to move on if she wants out... after some time.

 

You have two kids that you BOTH need to care for.. then you will always be in touch one way or another... for quite some time.

 

I doubt she has anyone else.. I think she might just be confused.. hard to say.. we only have one side of the coin here.

[Gunny376]

"Time and space? Time and space?

 

I'd give her the rest of her freaking life, and she can stay where is for the rest of her life, and if that's not enough time? Just let me know and I'll move my happy @ss to Texas, (better yet Fargo ND, they're hiring and only have a 3.4 un-employmet rate )

 

Serioiusly I've been down this merry little road more than once. and to be honest? I'm sick and tired of it! A woman walks out on me? There's no coming back once she walks out that door. I'm going to pick myself up and dust myself off and keep on keeping on! Let all the ladies out there I'm free and back out on the street again.

 

I'm a good man with a lot of good love to give, and what one woman will abuse ~ another can certainly use. The women I've dated since my divorce all said my XHEX was crazy for divorcing me.

 

Its Hell when there's children involved, especially when your standing there like a little boy on the street corner with your wet pants down around your ankles, but you simply must adapt and over-come.

 

And she's flat out telling you, you didn't fell her and the marriage ~ its her that fell you and the marriage. How freaking long are you suppose to put your life on hold while she sits around and commues with the freaking universe getting her head and @ss wired back together.

 

Date? I'm going to date once I've got my brain-housing group wired back together ~ its just not going to be "you!"

 

I'd run silent and run deep like "Red October" I would go so far into NC she's thought I'd fallen off the planet. She could crawl on her bare hands and knees through fifty miles of broken glass, rusty nails, swamps filled with alligators, posioness snakes, and Indians, crying "crocidile tears" and I wouldn't take her back. Enough! She had her chance?

 

Where in the Hell did you ever get it into your head that this little gal was the best that you could do or deserve?

 

For the love of Jesus your 27, ~ I'm 51 living in a college town with about 6,000 college students, where half if not more are co-eds.

 

I got married when I was 22 and threw away 12 years of the best years of my life with the XHEX. I'm reminded of that fact everyday I walk out the door.

 

These are some of the best years of your life ~ man! Why do you want to waste them with some little gal that's not got her act together, is un-sure of herself, of you, has problems with the serious committment to make a LTR or marriage work? When you could be out each night with some HB10 (HotBabe10) each and every night?

 

What are you seriously thinking? I'd dump her like a bad habit ~ and the last words she heard from would be ~ "You had your chance! See Ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!"

 

There's NO shortage of good women, the freaking place is covered up with them, but there is a shortage of good men. All you need to be is a good, loving, caring, romantic, attentive who keeps his priorties straight to find one good woman that will look into your eyes and ask, "Where have you been all my life!"

[wifesgone]

Gunny thanks for that graphic description . I was rolling on the floor reading that laughing my ass off.

 

Now for an update: Last night I got home after work opened my garage and there her car sits. We talked for a while, I told her I wouldn't agree to her moving out so she acted pissed off all night, saying you just cant agree with anything I want to do :lmao:. Well who the F$ck would agree to their wife moving out and signing a 6 month lease on another house. Also she was planning on buying all the furniture and stuff I guess because, she said she didn't want anything from the house. I swear I think she is messed up in the head.

I talked to her this morning and she said she didn't know what she was going to do. She has till the end of the weekend and I'm going to make her mind up for her. I am tired of the waiting and I dont' knows.

[OneFootOut]

Gunny thanks for that graphic description . I was rolling on the floor reading that laughing my ass off.

 

Now for an update: Last night I got home after work opened my garage and there her car sits. We talked for a while, I told her I wouldn't agree to her moving out so she acted pissed off all night, saying you just cant agree with anything I want to do :lmao:. Well who the F$ck would agree to their wife moving out and signing a 6 month lease on another house. Also she was planning on buying all the furniture and stuff I guess because, she said she didn't want anything from the house. I swear I think she is messed up in the head.

I talked to her this morning and she said she didn't know what she was going to do. She has till the end of the weekend and I'm going to make her mind up for her. I am tired of the waiting and I dont' knows.

 

Hello? Maybe it's your controlling attitude and behavior that she needs a break from. Have you ever tried offering some patience, kindness, and support for whatever it is she is going through? Have you ever tried to UNDERSTAND why she needs space?

 

I know you are angry or hurt or whatever, but maybe you are part of the problem, and maybe she can't stand being around you anymore and is leaving for her own sanity. From your post and follow up remarks, you sound as if your male ego and pride are more dented than your heart.

 

Keep in mind that this woman is an adult who can choose her own path and make her own decisions. A marriage license doesn't make her yours to control and tell what to do with her life. Why all the hate and drama? Love her as the mother of your kids and respect that she needs a break. Whether you work it out or not, you need to secure some sort of peaceful foundation to stand on now and in the future for your kids sake, if not your own.

 

This is just another one of those throw her under the bus threads with the hateful responses to go along with it. You both need to step back without the anger and attitudes and figure out what it is that she is escaping from, not necessarily to. You will never be able to work it out with heated emotions and arguing and fighting. Only rational thinking mature adults who can have balanced conversations tend to work things out. The choice is yours whether to contribute to the problem, or the solution.

[GorillaTheater]

I don't agree, Onefoot. I don't know whether he's too controlling or not, but I think you're assuming too much from his post.

 

If my wife wanted to move out, I wouldn't "agree" either. I wouldn't and couldn't stop her from doing so, but I sure as hell wouldn't "agree" to it. Unless living with her was intolerable. In which case I would help her pack.

 

And maybe she IS messed up in the head. A fair number of people are. Wanting to move out and "date" your husband doesn't strike me as terribly rational.

 

As far as "making up her mind for her"? Just another way of saying that if she won't make the tough call, he will. But that does lead to a point I find confusing: OP, you didn't want her to move out (presumably for some good reason) but if I'm right, and you are prepared to make that tough call (presumably divorce), how do you square the two positions?

[stilllearning2]

Is she on medication like antidepressants, pain pills? I have a friend going through the same thing.....his wife who suddendly did an about face for no appparent reason. Found this website on this issue. It has helped my friend understand although he is still devastated.

[COLOR=#660000]http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm...ndid=400510998[/COLOR]

[Gunny376]

Man Up! In this economy? Man up! Either your happy @ss is part of the solution or part of the problem. Either your part of the answer or part of the question. The time to get real is right here and right now!

 

IMHO the only difference between your marriage and the Titantic is she had a band playing as she went down!

[OneFootOut]

Man Up! In this economy? Man up! Either your happy @ss is part of the solution or part of the problem. Either your part of the answer or part of the question. The time to get real is right here and right now!

 

IMHO the only difference between your marriage and the Titantic is she had a band playing as she went down!

 

LOL.. I got such a visual there, and heard your drill Sargent voice coming across loud and clear

[RouRou]

I appreciate all the comments. I just got an email a while ago that said. Most of the problems are me not us. Whatever the hell that means. She says she is not so much not happy with us as she is not happy with her. I know she hasn't gotten another man. I paid well to find that out.

She didn't say she wanted to date other people she said she wanted us to date again. I have never heard of such BS.

 

 

OK, she said she is not happy with her and wants you to date again...its simple. She wants to do some personal growth, there is something inside of her that she is not happy with and as we all know change can only come from withen. Maybe she just wants sometime to herself to figure it out. As for you two dating...look at it differently, she wants to spend time with you, dating is fun, go to movies, dinner, laugh with each, remember why you fell in love and when the date is over she will go back to working on what she needs to work on. I would not throw it away as I dont think your wife wants that. If she really wanted to end it with you, she would say so. You should support her, take her on dates, be patient.

[wifesgone]

I see from these posts either it is way one way or the other. Of course I guess it has to be. There is no compromise between moving out and not I don't guess. Its one way or the other. As far as dating and getting to know each other, I know her. Hell I've lived with her for 8 years.

I am pissed of because she all of a sudden realizes she never had a chance to grow up. Well damn if I did either. I graduated from school met her, fell in love and took care of her and her child. Now she wants to f*cking find her self. She loves me, she loves me not. Why doesn't she just get a damn flower and get to plucking.

She is trying to make me feel guilty about all of this. And if she truly wanted SPACE why doesn't she get a 1 bedroom apartment and leave the kids with me?

I appreciate all the help from you all.

[OneFootOut]

OK, she said she is not happy with her and wants you to date again...its simple. She wants to do some personal growth, there is something inside of her that she is not happy with and as we all know change can only come from withen. Maybe she just wants sometime to herself to figure it out. As for you two dating...look at it differently, she wants to spend time with you, dating is fun, go to movies, dinner, laugh with each, remember why you fell in love and when the date is over she will go back to working on what she needs to work on. I would not throw it away as I dont think your wife wants that. If she really wanted to end it with you, she would say so. You should support her, take her on dates, be patient.

 

THIS is EXACTLY where I am with my husband, except he is the one who moved to his own place so he could work on his issues. He has asked me several times to have faith in him, and assured me over and over that it has very little to do with me, that there are things within him that he needs to work on. You know what? I do have faith in him and do believe him, because I have lived with him and known him for the last 12 years.

 

He also wants to start over with each other and date while we are apart, and I think it will feel awkward at first, but am willing to try and make it fun. Lord knows we were so miserable together that we never went out and did things like that. I'm willing to hang on a little longer and see if he can work out his inner demons. I'll stand by him and see him through it and do all I can to be supportive.

 

Yes, it hurts, some days it rips my heart out. Other days, I'm finding myself feeling relieved and happy. No, I don't understand with 100% certainty what is happening, but I choose to look at this as positively as I can. If it works out some time down the road, wonderful. If it never does, then we still have a friend in each other and a relationship where we can be open and honest with each other.

[RouRou]

THIS is EXACTLY where I am with my husband, except he is the one who moved to his own place so he could work on his issues. He has asked me several times to have faith in him, and assured me over and over that it has very little to do with me, that there are things within him that he needs to work on. You know what? I do have faith in him and do believe him, because I have lived with him and known him for the last 12 years.

 

He also wants to start over with each other and date while we are apart, and I think it will feel awkward at first, but am willing to try and make it fun. Lord knows we were so miserable together that we never went out and did things like that. I'm willing to hang on a little longer and see if he can work out his inner demons. I'll stand by him and see him through it and do all I can to be supportive.

 

Yes, it hurts, some days it rips my heart out. Other days, I'm finding myself feeling relieved and happy. No, I don't understand with 100% certainty what is happening, but I choose to look at this as positively as I can. If it works out some time down the road, wonderful. If it never does, then we still have a friend in each other and a relationship where we can be open and honest with each other.

 

Wifesgone maybe this is exactly what you need to do for you wife!!