br0ken_w0lf Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Ughhh. So the title of my thread is purely rhetorical as I'm fairly certain it's not normal... My wife left in August 2007 and ended up moving in with another guy (about as short as I can make it). Very painful process for both of us, worst year of my life by a long shot... Earlier this year, I managed to get the house put in my name and get divorce papers started. Even managed to go on a couple dates recently. And that's when the trouble started... I eventually began the inevitable comparisons between this person and my ex, seeing holes in things such as what we had in common, and sense of humor, etc. I never had to *think* about this kind of stuff with my ex, it just worked, we just got along. But now I'm analyzing everything and I've realized that, despite my recent thoughts, I am not over my ex, nor should I be dating. I even broke a fairly long period of NC and e-mailed her to wish her a Merry Christmas and some other stuff. That led to more e-mails and, bottom line, though it seems like she's more or less moved on, I haven't. And in a twisted way, I'm not sure I want to. I want my ex and not because it was comfortable, but because I still believe what we had was special. I simply don't think I can ever feel that way (or in a similar way) about anyone again. And I keep doing the "what if we were supposed to be together and she just made a mistake but thinks it's too late now?" thing in my head... How the hell do people deal with this stuff? Sorry, just ranting here. I'm mad at myself to some degree but I still miss my ex. Holidays are rough. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Yep, it is normal. And the holidays may always be rougher than the other times...even after years and years, and even after you do find your next special person. Just because it's over, doesn't mean that what you had was NOT special. Of course it was. I think that she probably would have realized by now if leaving was a mistake, and if it is coming through in her communications that she's moved on then...kind of it wasn't a mistake for her. Sad as that is, to say. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Must be something in the air up here around that time, huh? Your short story is almost identical to mine, w/ the same timing.... give a month or two, anyway. Same province, same situation. Apparently my wif - sorry, ex-wife, feels she made the right choice too. Sorry you're feeling bad again, BW. Maybe you just need an extra month or two. My indifference only arrived very recently, and so far I havn't backslid yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Hell you never overcome it! You just learn to live with it and deal with it forever the rest of your Life. Once you've danced with the Devil, you don't change him, HE changes YOU! Just like going through a hitch in the Marines! The "Change" is "FOREVER!" You'll never, ever be the same person you were "before" Its like dragging a dead horse around with you everywhere you go, and people constantly everywhere you go pointing out? "Hey! You know you're dragging a dead horse around everywhere you go? Sooner or latter? You're going to get dead-dog-tired of dragging that dead-horse around everywhere you go! Eventually you've got to let go, and make the decision to be happy and go out and rub a little sunshine on your face! That is to say, take personal responsibility for your own personsal happiness! And you are very much the person in charge of all that! You don't need another to complete you, God made you complete the day you were born! It is you that must accept yourself, and not use the "measure" of another to know if your a righteous, decent, moral, human being? Divorce Lession 101 ~ Lession # 1 Quit beating yourself up! There are loads and loads of folks waiting just out your front door, and at work with a Louiville Sluggers just waiting to do the job for you ~ JUST to see the look on your face! Yea, yea, yea!,......................you coulduve', shoulduve', woulduve', opughtuve'..................but you didn't! Mainly because your happy azz didn't know any better! But at the time you did the best you could and knew how to do! At the time you were giving it your all and doing the best you could ~ and if you knew then what you know now? It would be a different story! So for now? Lets concentrate on Lesson No.#1 and that is that God didn't put your Happy Azz upon this Earth to be 100% responsible for your STBX's happiness 100% of the time! Homework assignment: WITF? Did you ever get into your brain-housig group that this was the one and only women in the world with a vagina? A women leaves you? All that means is that you've got to go and find yourself someone else. What one abuses, another can certaily use! One less monkey? Don't make a "Show" Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 Hi BW, Well.... I too can say I know what you are saying. I too once felt this way... No one could compair to my exwife. But ....over time.... I started to see... the error in my thoughts. Over time.... I came to get it into my head... if someone does not want me.... That is not my problem.... but theirs! I also never thought I could feel for another... I too went on dates... (actually several with different woman) and yes... I did the same thing... comparisions... and none of them really lived up to what I had in my mind. Well ... I realised too... I am not ready for this. Well... all of a sudden one day... BINGO... I was done... I was over my ex.... Did not think about her anymore.... unless... I had too... (because I had a question regarding our son)etc I then.... really started to enjoy my "me" time... I enjoyed my alone time...... Then... all of a sudden.... I met someone.... out of the blue.... and ... well its been 3 of the best months I can imagine.... and..... this lady is nothing like me ex... In a nut shell.... you will get through this... no one is that speacial. Because... you can meet someone else... very different... and they can become to mean a lot to you for those differences.... they are now speacial. Don't count yourself out! ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 It's definitely normal to backslide. Dont beat yourself up over it! But you do need to shift your focus back onto you and your present life. Even if your wife made a "mistake", if she doesnt have the courage to come to you and tell you that, then dont you think you deserve better? Try not to entertain those thoughts too much. I cant see any positive vibes they can produce for you. At the same time, dont think your wife is sooo special that you will never find another to love again. It might take time, and your next relationship wont exactly be the same as it was with your wife. But it doesnt mean it cant be special. As I'm finding out in my own relationship, it's definitely not the same type of love as the first time for me, but it is a more mature love. I'm a lot more aware and conscious of the feelings and actions. There's a lot more respect and appreciation. It's not as carefree and naive as the first time, but it is special. Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 dgirl, I loooooove your sig! Link to post Share on other sites
SierraRose Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 I think "backslides" are a normal part of the recovering process. I can assure you, the day will come when you realize your ex no longer has an impact on your heart. IMO, if you are still comparing your dates to your ex, you may not be completely over the R. In my last breakup, I struggled with my emotions as well. This guy was a total a**hole, one most men would like to take in a dark alley and beat the crap out of. Logically, he wasn't worth it, emotionally I was stuck. I came to the conclusion it was "OK" to love him for the good he was (which wasn't much). As time passed, it hurt less and less. I have now reached the point where I am over him. All of my ex b/f have good traits about them. Instead of compairing my dates to exs(which is not fair--that's why your x is your x!) I add the GOOD traits to a list of things I want in a partner. Time truely is the healer of all wounds... Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 Well I don't know just what normal is.. But it sure isn't uncommon to take a while longer to get over something as wrenching as divorce. Especially when you break NC. I just did recently, two years after separation and 6 months NC and now don't ever want to see/hear from her again. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 It's been nearly a year since the bomb - and I backslide nearly every day. Of course having a child together makes it that much more difficult - always hoping the family can be restored. STBXW calls at least weekly to complaing about something. First Christmas alone - while STBXW will be with her BF and my daughter - with her thought of this being her new family !!! ARGGG!!! Aren't the Holday's wonderful. Link to post Share on other sites
HenryII Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 SHE MADE THE RIGHT DECISION FOR HER, NOW MAKE SOME RIGHT ONES FOR U.dON'T GET INVOLVED WITH ANYONE .Why would u want to have to answer to anyone after a breakup. Sure, have all the "FUN" u wantjust don't get hooked. Remember YOU DON"T NEED HER !U can survive. We've all done it Devlope yourself then warch as they will want U. Link to post Share on other sites
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