raging after 13 years - RAGING

[privyet]

I haven't posted in forever. Today my therapist double-booked and had to cancel on me - and he'd been away on vacation before that, and I just had nowhere else to turn. I can't say these things to my friends/family.

 

I've been separated 2.5 months now. And the divorce settlement is on its first draft - hoping to have it completed by end of summer.

 

Was married 13 years (my whole freakin adult life). To someone who is a pathalogical liar, abused me verbally, emotionally and on several occasions, yes, physically. Finally in our last year together had an affair.

We discovered (I discovered, he later came to terms with) the fact that he has some kind of personality disorders (narcissism, borderline).

 

Although he's in therapy, I opted to leave. He is not so disordered that he didn't know the agony he was causing me - and he had choices, and for years, he made the wrong choices, and short-changed me. Not saying I was perfect - I lived on hope, not reality - not good.

 

Anyway - for the last 3 weeks, i've been okay - relatively happy, feeling free of the weight of being in an abusive situation - just more myself, cheerful, kind, gregarious. And suddenly out of nowhere, last night, I couldn't stop thinking about HER - the other woman, and him, and everything they did together and even though i'm divorcing him and it's over I'm SO FU*CKING MAD THAT THIS IS WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY LIFE. I didn't sign up for this - i wanted to be married till death do us part. I was IN IT for the long haul. I would have ACCEPTED his problems if he would have DONE something constructive about them. And now it's too late and I HAVE TO PAY THE PRICE by going through this hellish recovery and praying that one day i can trust someone else and wondering if i'll ever have kids because i wasted my child-bearing years with this selfish, self-centered ASS of a barely-human-being who WRECKED MY LIFE (not really, just carrying on now...)

 

All i wanted was a chance for us to figure out our problems, and decide how we could carry on (IF we could carry on) without the involvement of a third party. WHY DID THE AFFAIR HAVE TO HAPPEN. I understand it was a symptom of the problems, but i HATE, I JUST HATE that the sanctity of my marriage, even though it was deeply flawed, will now ALWAYS be marred by the image of THEM. How did i turn into Lifetime channel material. What I wouldn't give to turn back time and deal with everything differently - have gone through it with open eyes. Left earlier. Anything.

 

I HATE WHAT I BECAME WITH HIM. I HATED MYSELF, I HATE HIM AND I LOVED HIM SO MUCH.

[makinitwork]

I haven't posted in forever. Today my therapist double-booked and had to cancel on me - and he'd been away on vacation before that, and I just had nowhere else to turn. I can't say these things to my friends/family.

 

I've been separated 2.5 months now. And the divorce settlement is on its first draft - hoping to have it completed by end of summer.

 

Was married 13 years (my whole freakin adult life). To someone who is a pathalogical liar, abused me verbally, emotionally and on several occasions, yes, physically. Finally in our last year together had an affair.

We discovered (I discovered, he later came to terms with) the fact that he has some kind of personality disorders (narcissism, borderline).

 

Although he's in therapy, I opted to leave. He is not so disordered that he didn't know the agony he was causing me - and he had choices, and for years, he made the wrong choices, and short-changed me. Not saying I was perfect - I lived on hope, not reality - not good.

 

Anyway - for the last 3 weeks, i've been okay - relatively happy, feeling free of the weight of being in an abusive situation - just more myself, cheerful, kind, gregarious. And suddenly out of nowhere, last night, I couldn't stop thinking about HER - the other woman, and him, and everything they did together and even though i'm divorcing him and it's over I'm SO FU*CKING MAD THAT THIS IS WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY LIFE. I didn't sign up for this - i wanted to be married till death do us part. I was IN IT for the long haul. I would have ACCEPTED his problems if he would have DONE something constructive about them. And now it's too late and I HAVE TO PAY THE PRICE by going through this hellish recovery and praying that one day i can trust someone else and wondering if i'll ever have kids because i wasted my child-bearing years with this selfish, self-centered ASS of a barely-human-being who WRECKED MY LIFE (not really, just carrying on now...)

 

All i wanted was a chance for us to figure out our problems, and decide how we could carry on (IF we could carry on) without the involvement of a third party. WHY DID THE AFFAIR HAVE TO HAPPEN. I understand it was a symptom of the problems, but i HATE, I JUST HATE that the sanctity of my marriage, even though it was deeply flawed, will now ALWAYS be marred by the image of THEM. How did i turn into Lifetime channel material. What I wouldn't give to turn back time and deal with everything differently - have gone through it with open eyes. Left earlier. Anything.

 

I HATE WHAT I BECAME WITH HIM. I HATED MYSELF, I HATE HIM AND I LOVED HIM SO MUCH.

 

Today i will prepare my body to face a new day I will also prepare my soul i will creating the life i want to have .I will honor myself when i create intention It is the way to care and respect myself>

[Enema]

Did you have any problems or was the downfall of the marriage alllll him?

[Mr. Lucky]

And suddenly out of nowhere, last night, I couldn't stop thinking about HER - the other woman, and him, and everything they did together and even though i'm divorcing him and it's over I'm SO FU*CKING MAD THAT THIS IS WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY LIFE. I didn't sign up for this - i wanted to be married till death do us part. I was IN IT for the long haul. I would have ACCEPTED his problems if he would have DONE something constructive about them. And now it's too late and I HAVE TO PAY THE PRICE by going through this hellish recovery and praying that one day i can trust someone else and wondering if i'll ever have kids because i wasted my child-bearing years with this selfish, self-centered ASS of a barely-human-being who WRECKED MY LIFE (not really, just carrying on now...)

Uh-oh. There goes that job writing Hallmark cards !

 

On one hand, you realize how narcissistic he is - it's all got to be about him. And then you wonder why he did what he did? Listen, get healthy and find the right person out there for you. There's lots of good, normal, well-adjusted candidates...

 

Mr. Lucky

[privyet]

Enema - of course i had faults in the marriage too. Never said it was one-sided. In fact, when he started the affair - i took the blame. All the blame. I spent the whole marriage walking on eggshells trying to do things right to please him: that was a big fault, i'd say - i was an enabler.

 

I'm venting tonight. And i really resent that you're not supporting me, but asking me to look at myself for the faults in the marriage. This isn't the moment for that.

 

He HIT ME. That was not my fault. He called me a barren c*unt because I miscarried twice. That was not my fault. Let me have my rage. I think that's okay.

[Enema]

Settle down princess, I was not attacking you.

 

It's important to keep perspective in these things and realize it takes two to tango.

 

While I don't agree with anything you have said he did, focusing all your anger and blame at him might blind you to fixing problems with yourself that allowed this to continue for so long.

 

If you're just looking for people to say "oh, poor you" and not offer any advice, you're at the wrong place.

[beraldi21]

hope your feeling calmer today privyet,

 

Get it all out , anger is a normal part of the grief process and when you calm down im sure you'll be back to reflecting on your part in the relationship breakdown.

 

Its still early days since your split, i understand you need to rage and not expose family and friends to it. Sometimes its not an appeal for sympathy but a need to let it out .

 

If your not getting the response you need on here, write every last nasty thaught you have down on paper, every wrong you feel he did you . I wrote reams, It does help and once the anger past i was able to go back and read it , i found myself saying yes he did this but i contributed to his behaviour because i behaved this or that way, it helped me come to terms with the breakdown. It does take two to tango, but im sure we've all been guilty of a bit of self pity.

[sfsassy]

Settle down princess, I was not attacking you.

 

It's important to keep perspective in these things and realize it takes two to tango.

 

While I don't agree with anything you have said he did, focusing all your anger and blame at him might blind you to fixing problems with yourself that allowed this to continue for so long.

 

If you're just looking for people to say "oh, poor you" and not offer any advice, you're at the wrong place.

 

I think in the situattion she is describing. her reaction is EXACTLY the right one. This doesnn't compare, but I was with someone like this for a short while. I focused way too much o my owm faults when we broke up. "If only I had"................. became my mantra. I would think "well, he was a bit harsh, but I was clingy, so I deserved it" ever mind that I couldn't fathom doing what he had done to me. My mom who is always straight with me finally said "yes,, you had issues, but nothing that would codone what he did" OP is doing therapy, so it seems to wannt to heal herself too. However, just being angry at the one who betrayed you, without a lot of analyzing, is not a bad thing, once in awhile. After awhile, I came back to my issues. By that time I could be more objective, and I've worked on myself honestly. Also it sounds like the OP was having a particularly hard day, not that this was a pattern.

[sfsassy]

Sometimes people need a cyber hug before we launch into how they should fix themselves.

 

I hope the OP comes back. Her H sounds like a real tool, and she will someday be GLAD the a55 hat took it somewhere else.

Yes, plus she is in therapy, so she understads she does need to work on herself

[porter218]

privyet, one day you will be thankful to the OW for freeing you from him. I think without the affair you would have carried on with him miserable for the rest of your life. Just be glad this awful marriage has come to a close. Sometimes it takes an affair to really open your eyes. Stop focusing your resentment on this affair, and accept that maybe it was a necessary evil to free you from this downward spiral. Your life can be so much better now.

[Lizzie60]

You should be happy that you are now single.. this guy was a freaken loser.. and you are angry that he set you free... you should send him a thank you card... really... honestly.. this guy is not worth your energy nor your time.

 

Life sucks... there is no such thing as 'till death do us part' I hope you are now realizing it... and will protect yourself in the future.

 

13 years of your adult life.. you are probably still young enough to have children. Just be patient and you will eventually meet a partner with who you'll be comfortable enough to have a child with.

 

Just don't hope for a lifetime..

[Issues & tissues]

Hello Privyet,

 

Thank you for responding to my thread on "Anger!" in the coping section.

 

I think you and I are at the same place right now. My boyfriend/common law husband/ex/*********/whatever you want to call him dumped me on 1 Jan this year after being together 11 years.

 

I know your pain. I share your anger. And right now I can't stop hating him for cheating me out of the best years of my life. Like you, I was in it for the long haul. Never crossed my mind that we would ever be apart. I sacrificed everything to be with him.

 

And I am really f***ing angry. Good to know I'm not alone!

 

Feel free to vent or should that be :mad: :mad: ?

[sumdude]

 

Life sucks... there is no such thing as 'till death do us part' I hope you are now realizing it... and will protect yourself in the future.

 

 

Such a cynic.. how sad. I know you're wrong, I've seen it too many times in my life to agree with you, my own parents and many many others.

[sumdude]

privyet, the rage is normal. You should be mad as heck for a while.. don't klet it go on too long or become bitter. The anger is there to help you along in the process or letting go of the relationship. A relationship that you know was no good for you.

[81West]

Congratulations. You're moving through the stages of grief and you've reached anger. That's real progress in a relatively short amount of time. You can only feel what you feel, and today it's rage. It won't always be, I guarantee it.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. Hugs.

[MissT]

Privyet-I could have written this myself. Our situations are so very similar, with some very minor differences. My EH was an abusive narcissist that left after 13 years for a woman he dated in college (4 dates!). They reconnected over the internet and he was gone within months. He lied his way to her, telling me he was leaving for a job opportunity and that I could follow once he got established. The company was hers, and she came with the job as well. It took about a month after he left for me to get the truth from him. After that, I was left to grapple with the details of the divorce alone (he left over a year ago, the divorce was final 8 months ago). He used used his new earnings to establish his new life, and left debts from his old unpaid (some up to a year old). He also used my credit cards to buy things in his new home (this was unkown to me until they were 'maxed'). Now, he lives with her and her two children, her company folded and he has been out of work for a year.

 

As for me- he didn't pay the court appointed alimony, and the house is in foreclosure. I have alot to be bitter about, and many times I am. The bitterness is subsiding though. I have a fabulous new job, live in a fun new city and am newly engaged to my best friend of 4 years. It's total bliss. He is wonderful and kind, and in him I find respect and love like I have never felt before. With him, I also have family. He has a beautiful daughter that I am so happy to be a step mom for. We plan on trying for a child of our own, but with her in my life I really want for nothing.

 

Yes, I still feel bitterness and anger. I often wonder what kind of woman could willfully play the role that she did in the end of our marriage. The answer is obvious, and bit by bit I feel better about who I am. I have dignity and respect for others, she does not.

 

The anger and pain will stay with you, but it will diminish. I don't think you need to take blame for the breakdown of the marriage. After counseling and the support of friends and loved ones, I quit blaming myself for the demise of my own. I tried my damndest to be a fine wife and hoped to be a mother. His own failings is was ruined our marriage. Yes, it takes two to tango, but it only takes one partner leaving the floor for the dance to be over. Enjoy your freedom from the pain that he caused. Your future is far, far brighter now.

 

And rant all you want....we will listen and may even join in!

 

The best to you!