ElvenPriestess Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 For those of you who know my situation, have read the thread about marriage nearing it's end, here's an update. Come new year's he's making an appointment with the attorney, work out the rest of the divorce details, and then it's back to the states for me. I sold my car, left my home, left my career. So I have nothing back in the states anymore. It will be hard. It is hard now, living together still, keeping to myself. I need massive support, because my emotions keep trying to control me. Thanks LS. Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 I am in a similar situation. Still living with my soon to be X and the 3 kids. I am seeing a solicitor next week to start divorce proceedings. I am making an effort to remain civil. It has been four months. It will probably take another four months before we physically part. We plan to remain friends. We have to because of the kids. It was hard at first but things are getting better. Hang in there. This time next year things will be a whole lot better. Take care and be strong. Nomad1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElvenPriestess Posted December 28, 2007 Author Share Posted December 28, 2007 Wow we ARE in a similar situation. He just left the house, going who knows where. I don't think I can be friends though, there's just too many hurt feelings. I hope it doesn't take too long for the proceedings to go through. How do you handle being in the same house, or the same room for that matter Nomad? We look at each other and have to leave the room. It hurts. I hate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 I just try to turn negative feelings into positive ones. We both think of each other as being nice and caring people and have a long shared history (17years). The break up brought up the worst in both of us. But things are changing now. We appear to communicate better and help each other out with lots of stuff. We talk, eat together etc. We're even looking for houses together on the net, well she does most of that for her and the kids and for me. She is trying to get me to buy a house close to where hers will be. I know that she wants to ensure that we are in proximity for the kids, but I don't know if that will be such a good idea. Mind you, I might feel ok about it in a few months time. I guess in our situation, with the kids, we have to communicate regularly to let eachother know our whereabouts and when we are going out, who is doing the cooking on which meal etc. I much prefer this to hostility. After all, this is the person you were in love with at some point. Love is inversed when there is resentment and anger, because we feel hurt and confused and mainly think through emotions. Once the attachment fades, there is less anger, less resentment and I believe that it is possible to think about the other person as a friend. Is your SO resentful / hostile? If he is, then he must still be mourning the loss or is confused about the situation. Take care Nomad1 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 Hello, I don't really have any advice but I just want to say I wish you the strength you need to get through this. I think it's good that you are moving and can start your new life with a clean slate!!! Sounds like you are still emotionally in turmoil and hurt. I wish you a speedy recovery. I know how hard it is and I hope the days get easier for you. Nomad, question for you... you asked if her SO was resentful/hostile...do you really believe they act that way becasue they are mourning the loss of the relationship or confused? My WS, well he was actually my fiance, was very mean and said very mean things throughout our break-up after he cheated. I can't wrap my head around why he would do so...would you care to share your thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElvenPriestess Posted December 28, 2007 Author Share Posted December 28, 2007 He's somewhat hostile, but mostly he just wants to be left alone. I can't talk to him, about ANYTHING, when I come into the same room as him he buries his face so as not to see me. He wants nothing to do with me. I am sad, emotional, hurt, crying alot. He watches movies, laughs, does what ever he wants. He took his ring off and threw it onto the floor. He just wants me and all thoughts of me as far away as possible. I think it hurts to see him laugh while I'm crying. He smiles while I cannot. And it makes it harder. We can't talk about anything, which means I bottle it up. Or come to LS;-) I don't understand this whole ignore me stay away thing. Why do that? It just hurts more. Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 Confused - Yes, the hostility denotes a degree of confusion, possibly guilt. Don't forget, just because he may have cheated does not mean that he has found the love of his life and that the other person necessarily reciprocates his intentions. He may be going through a turmoil but for different reasons from yours. Nothing is black and white. He may experience some loss of what things between you used to be. He must have loved you at some point and whether through infatuation / lust / love is yearning for the attention of another. It is a sad fact that people yearn for the attention of those who may not necessarily be interested in them. Equally, they may reject the attention of those who want to be with them, because they see them as available and not worth having! Elvenpriestess - He is acting the way he is because you may have given him reasons to believe that you are still interested in him. He hides his face and can't look you in the eye because deep down he knows that he f***d up. What a childish response. Why would someone throw a ring on the floor? Marriage is supposed to be a huge commitment. Rings are a symbol of that commitment. What he was trying to tell you by his childish act is that he is no longer committed to you as a wife. Tell him to take a hike. He clearly lacks maturity and is not worthy of your sentiments. You deserve a stable mature relationship. He will wake up one day and realise that he acted foolishly, but it will be too late. You will find happiness if you allow yourself to move on. The greatest happiness of all is the one you can find within yourself. Whereby you won't need others to fulfill your emotional needs, You just have to look within and cherish every moment of your existence. He has given you a gift, a wake up call to pursue that happiness. Don't succumb to the illusion of potential happiness with him. Whatever you do, run as fast as you can, away from him, towards your new you. Take care Nomad1 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 Unfortunately for me...he said he was in love with her and they are together. Now, he says they are having a child. I just can't believe it to be true. The day he cheated...he was in love with me. Now, he's in love with the OW? How is that even possible? He continued to be mean to me and then we began NC. Why be mean...after all he has done? WHY!?? He wouldn't even call me to talk about anything. It was all done via text message, email, etc. He was 1000's of miles away for work and went out there to help pay for the wedding. now it's like I never meant anything to him. That's why I don't understand why he is mean? He won't talk to anyone back here. He won't contact me. Nothing. It's so hurtful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElvenPriestess Posted December 28, 2007 Author Share Posted December 28, 2007 Well Confused, I know that mine acts like a jerk to me after all he's done too. And we aren't even apart yet! I don't understand it either, how some one can hurt you so deeply, then act as if you don't mean anything to them. It must be harder for you though with a third person involved. I share your pain, I really do. I'm not perfect of course, but some of the things he's done I would never imagine especially to a spouse. And now I'm just a piece of trash to be thrown out. I think for both of us they may act this way, being mean, because they use it to cover something up. Perhaps their own guilt, hurt, whatever it may be. Like you I don't understand how one day he says I love you then the next acts the exact opposite. Mine has even said marrying me is the worst mistake of his life. I too don't understand why one would be so mean and hurtful after having already been so damaging. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 Ah yes, I got that too. Your were the worst thing that ever happened to me. You and I were a mistake from the begginning. Blah blah. It's all bullsh*t if you ask me. I think they are silly for doing or saying any of this to us and I guess the good thing is you and I don't have to live with the guilt that they do. I can't imagine doing something like this to someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElvenPriestess Posted December 28, 2007 Author Share Posted December 28, 2007 That' exactly it. I mean, he says things, calls me horrible names, and I just say to him "How can you speak to me like this? I would never say this to you." It's so undeserving. And on one hand I'm crushed that I married some one who doesn't want me in their life, I'm also crushed that one spouse could treat another this way. I know that we will both one day in the future look back on all this and go "Thank God I got out. Such pain I was going through, and now it's all over." Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a crappy time. Your ex sounds rather confused! It doesn't sound like his new relationship is going to last that long. You don't want to be with someone like him. How can he be in love with you one day and with someone else the next day? It does not sound like love to me. Infatuation perhaps. You can mourn the idea of him of course, but not who he actually is or turned out to be. When we love people, we construct an idea of who and what they are and sometimes this is not an actual reflection of who they are. You will get over him. Allow time to mourn your loss and move on. There IS someone out there for you who will love and repsect you and with whom you will be able to have happy times. You will look back at this and thank him for making it all possible. Be strong and while you are doing this, imagine what the man you want to be with is like. Hold on to that thought. That man does exist, but while you are grieving over a lost cause, you can't see him. Take care Nomad1 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 They obviously loved us. I was with him for 7 years and we were happy and had a good time. We got comfortable and had our fights but nothing caused him to do what he did to me and I am sure the same goes for you. It's amazing this 180 degree change. I think they both went insane. Doeson't make sens how they could change this much. It does hurt but I hope we both get over it and end up better than before!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElvenPriestess Posted December 28, 2007 Author Share Posted December 28, 2007 I just never wanted to be divorced. But all my friends tell me it's his loss. 7 years? Wow. It makes me scared of the mere thought at a new relationship down the road you know? He actually locks the door to the master bedroom and I sleep in the spare, but geeze. What does he think I'm going to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 Thanks Nomad. It hurts worse that he threw me away and treated me like poop than it did when I found out he cheated. Of course, I didn't realize he was having an affair!!! Once I found that out it was already too late and he had moved on with her. I mean...this whole thing happened so fast. It ripped my life apart. I guess I am lucky we didn't get married as planned in October 08 and then this happen while I was preggo or had a kid, but, I NEVER EVER saw this coming. It's just awful what happened. I can't comprehend how he can treat me so bad. I guess it doesn't matter now. He's thrown his life away here. He's moving there and not talking to anyone from his 'old' life. I guess that's what he wants. I can't wait to fall in love again. I can't wait at all!!! I hope one day I can be happy. I know I have a lot to be thankful for and I know that I need to love myself and heal before I can open myself to someone else. But, I can't wait to meet someone who I can love again. I love being in love! Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 He sounds like a real @ss! How long were you married? YOu don't have kids, right? Link to post Share on other sites
PinkRibbon Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 Sounds so much like my husband. The hatefulness, ugly name calling, lies and just plain crule when we talk. I don't understand how one day you get I love you and the next I hate you. I think they are making darn sure we don't come back. It is their loss because we will get beyond this but they will have have the knowlege they could have made a difference in our marriages but they chose the easy way out for them. We know what could have been but they will always be wondering if they had just stayed and worked on it what could have happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElvenPriestess Posted December 28, 2007 Author Share Posted December 28, 2007 You'll love this. We've been married 10 months. Not even a year and he throws in the towel! I know PinkRibbon, I don't get it either. I feel like I'm the one who always wanted it to work, but nothing works one-sided. So what's your story? You guys still together, thinking divorce, or what? I can't stand the name calling bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElvenPriestess Posted December 28, 2007 Author Share Posted December 28, 2007 Oh, and no, no kids thank God. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkRibbon Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 I have daughter who is 14 and she is 100% mine. We were only together 6 years but married 4 of those. On October 6th I moved out. he told me to get my S*** out of the house but the time he got home or he would call the sheriff and have me removed. So I got out. All this from a man who was a week before texting me and saying I love you. So I have been in my apartment since then me and my daughter. He hasn't spoken to her to apologize and me he has spoken to 4 times and each time uglier than the last and how much he hates me and how he can't even stand to be in the same room with me. I haven't seen him since then and we have been going on 3 weeks of no contact. He is really mad at me now because I went to a lawyer and found out part of the house is mine and he is really mad I am not rolling over and just giving it to him. No way I paid for that while we were married and I want my money back. But I know I will never hear from him again. He is gone forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 Let's all make a pact... Let's make a pact to live better lives and take care of US for a change. Who's with me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElvenPriestess Posted December 28, 2007 Author Share Posted December 28, 2007 I'm totally with you Confused! PR, are you telling me he isn't wanting to be involved in his child's life? Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. But what you've done is brave. You'll have a chance to find out who you are and get over him without fear of running into him. Good luck and huge hugs to you! Link to post Share on other sites
PinkRibbon Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 I'm totally with you Confused! PR, are you telling me he isn't wanting to be involved in his child's life? She is my child. I had her before we were married but he put such emphasis on how her dad wasn't involved in her life and how could her dad do that and HE would never do something like that. Well he did. He put on such a show. She believed like I did that he was going to be there forever. When she would talk about things like going to college or getting a car or when she got married it was always him not her dad. He helped her with her math and played games with us and took us with her friends to movies and such. She saw him as her dad but he dumped her also. He has not seen or spoken to her since then end of September. I thought at least he would try and explain and still offer her friendship but he said we don't exist for him anymore and not me but her also. How could he do that? Link to post Share on other sites
PinkRibbon Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 Let's all make a pact... Let's make a pact to live better lives and take care of US for a change. Who's with me? I am with you also! Link to post Share on other sites
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