husband is ugly to step children

[kalena9488]

I'll try and make this short. For five years I've been with a man that is ugly to my kids, doesn't treat my kids and his kids equally, has been ugly to my parents. My daughter (16) had a flat tire in the middle of winter and he wouldn't go out and even help her. He expected her new boyfriend (dating less than a month) to help her. My youngest son who only comes to visit on holidays and during the summer is over weight. I try to keep him on track while he's here but would never degrade him. He treats him ugly, makes ugly faces at him (you know as if looks could kill) and makes comments to him about his weight. (Don't worry their will still be food their when you get their) I finally left him. Problem is he wants to work it out. He wants to go to counseling. Even though he can't say that he has the problem. My kids have been kids. They've never done anything to him. And even if they had I feel as though they are kids and he's the adult and he should be the one to be the bigger person and try to fix it. My daughter told me one day "You know mom he's never even showed me once ounce of kindness". When she talks about herself and him she cries so deep down I know she cares and she wishes he cared about her. I've come to realize that all of these actions speak very clearly to me that he doesn't love me because if he did then he do his best to treat my kids well. He treats my mother and sister ugly as well. We've just have a hell of a relationship. I don't even know why I still care. I'm wanting to tell him I want a divorce. He makes it hard on me probably because I let him. We were at a car dealership office and the finance manager (a lady) straight up asked him if he was always this rude. He came back with apparently so that's what my wife says. I was so embarrassed. I just don't think that any kind of counseling will help him because this ugliness and rudeness is just his natural behavior. Need some incite if anyone has any. Sorry if this seems to ramble.

[amaysngrace]

The thing you haven't mentioned is if he is rude to you too. I'm guessing he is if that's his natural way of being.

 

And then you should ask yourself why if it isn't good enough for your children or your mother then why oh why is it good enough for you?

[LakesideDream]

I don't get it. Your husband is rude and degrading to your biological children, how is he toward his children.... ? Oh hell, what's it matter anyway.

 

If I was involved with someone who was rude, degrading, or even just unkind to my children I'd drop them like yesterdays sanitary pad, and my children are adults. If the same happened and my children were youngsters I'd tie a rocket to his tail and light the fuse.

[Citizen Erased]

He sound like my mothers ex-partner. He treated me and my brother like this. I lived with that man for about 4 years and used to fear getting home otherwise I would have to deal with the snide comments, the looks and the overall feeling of being unwanted in a household I was supposingly a part of.

 

Do what my mother never did and put your children above this *******.

[tinke]

i was in a relationship where he did not treat his and my child equally. that has always been a barrier in moving forward. i never lived with him. mine was not rude or insulting, but, there was a difference in the attitude. enough where i grew resentful. i tried discussing it with him, but, he could not see that he was behaving differently.

 

children deserve to have a sense of belonging, i never fully felt this from him.

it was enough to keep a barrier and eventually more distance.

 

as a parent, it is your responsibility to provide a safe haven for your children. you came as a pkg. deal! my thoughts also were how is he to his children/family?

 

did you accept this behavior all along and only now want him to change?

5 yrs. is a very long time in a child's life to feel unwanted. maternally, it would be very difficult to forgive someone (let alone my mate) who intentionally hurt my loved one.

 

i don't see where it is acceptable by any measures. even with counceling, i would find it difficult not to relive those hurtful times. how can you sleep with this guy? it is extremely low to berate a child! screw him!

[kalena9488]

I wouldn't say I've accepted his behavior. I have been very vocal and have asked him and told him for years what needed to happen. He'd try for a bit but, his behavior towards many people, my family, my kids, me and other is usually just rude. He doesn't treat his kids that great either and I've had to intercede during some conversations he was having with them as well. It got to the point to where I was mad all the time. His son was a HS football star and we'd go to all of the games but I would have to beg him to go to my daughter's drama play. Eventually like has been said I started to resent him and I moved out. We went to a bit of counseling, I thought we could fix the issue so I moved back in. I wasn't their long when I realized I couldn't live with the tension that was in the house. He might not have said anything to my daughter but he didn't have to, not saying something sometimes speaks volumes. I know what I have to do for the sake of myself and my children as well as our future as a famly. I've just got to get the guts to make it final. I haven't seen him much. I'm supposed to go to dinner with him tomorrow evening. I'm thinking I shouldn't go and just tell him I don't want to see him anymore and that I'm finally filing for a divorce.

[Bobby NoBrains]

I think you're going in the right direction. If there's no respect for you and your family in your marriage, there's no solid reason to stick around just for the heck of it. As far as he is concerned he doesn't seem to give a damm. Merely saying that he wants to make it work is worthless unless it's followed up by actions and it doesn't seem to be that way.

 

I think you need to realize that if you have no dignity in your relationship it isn't worth continuing with it. *Maybe* one can do without affection, or sex, every so often (though I'll hear lots of comments against that), but if even basic dignity is missing in a relationship, there's nothing else to work for, imho. I feel you should definitely think about stepping away from this relationship if that is an option for you. Your kids will soon grow up and go away, and because of his behaviour towards them, will not be very much a part of your life if he continues to be in it. At that stage in your life you will end up losing everything, your kids, your family, your "husband", all of it. I think you should do something while something can still be done about it ... After it's too late, no one will really care, except for you, so sorry.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[Ladyjane14]

I'm in agreement with all these other kind folks. If the guy is mean to your kids... that's a deal-breaker. It's not like you hid 'em in a closet until after the vows were said.

He already knew that marriage with you was gonna be a package deal.

 

Probably the reason you're having trouble holding your ground is that you're allowing him to wheedle his way into your sympathies. You can cut off his route to your emotions by cutting off contact.

 

Why not see an attorney, and put paid to this thing? The guy has been given plenty of opportunity to change, and he hasn't. There comes a point when it's kinder to just rip off the band-aid cleanly than to continue picking at it.

[Mz. Pixie]

I just have to say this "Are you kidding me?"

 

There is no possible way I would have subjected my kids to this. And I was divorced with two kids when I met my husband. I told him upfront that my kids and I were a package deal and that I would never tolerate him mistreating them and that all of the kids would have to be treated the same (he has one) or it just wouldn't work for me. I was very clear that it was a dealbreaker for me.

 

I cannot imagine it being my choice to make my children that miserable.

 

Divorce this guy. Right now, you're allowing this guy to be abusive to your children, which changes who they are. I personally lived with my stepfather who tried to molest me (and my mother said I was a liar). He was also abusive in every other way possible. Years and years later I'm still dealing with the fallout of the fact that my mother- who was suposed to protect me and love me above over all- thought more about her lifestyle changes than the damage it was doing to her daughter.

 

In their mind you are choosing him over them daily. Really wrap your head around that and you should have no problem making your decision.

[reboot]

I agree, what the hell is wrong with YOU? You don't let people abuse your children. You just don't.

[Art_Critic]

Divorce this guy. Right now,

 

I have to agree here.. any man that is abusive to your kids is showing totally unacceptable behavior..

 

When he married you he also married into a family with kids.. and those kids then became his.. his step kids..

 

If he will not get therapy and fix his unacceptable behavior then I would say divorce..

 

I was a step parent for 5 years and I understood that her child would become mine ( well.. only in so far as that they have their own real father though ) when we married and I accepted her child as my own..

I participated in her upbringing, schooling.. I went to all the parent teacher conferences/plays etc. etc. and also made sure I was part of every single thing that made up her life..

That is what proper good step parents do..

 

I never once tried to replace her real father.. I was her step father and she was my step child but I never treated her as anything but a person..

[LakesideDream]

The whole "blended family" Step something (not step "parent" cause they ain't) thing is difficult and troubling.

 

Divorce is the most common situation. There are literally millions of single parents out there dating, looking for new mates, and millions more in "blended families". I'm willing to bet that being in a "blended" family is one of the hardest situations there is.

 

I'm 57, an old guy, divorced for seven years. I meet ladies frequently, get "fixed up" by friends etc. I run into this with some regularity. Often the women I meet are in their 40's. In my case when the conversation turns to family, and a lady, (however nice and attractive) begins talking about her young children (under 17 or so) I immediately steer the conversation toward friendship. I will not have a romantic relationship with a lady with younger children. I have absolutely no interest in being a "Step".

 

I raised two great kids, that time in my life is done. I learned by dating a lady with a 11 year old daughter still living at home. It was an impossible situation for me. Everybody has different methods of raising children. Hopefully most "moms and dads" form those opinions together working and learning as a team. Injecting oneself into an already functioning dynamic is asking for disaster.

 

For younger guys and gals there are fewer choices, and for that I am sorry.

[kalena9488]

It's funny I know and believe everything you've all said and I've known ending the relationship is what I needed to do. I just keep thinking this is all my fault. That's probably because he always finds away to turn it around on me. So, we're going to dinner here in a bit, and I'm going to tell him that I've made up my mind and don't want to try and work this out. I want to move on. Wish me luck. Have to admit I'm scared!

[tinke]

so what if he blames it on you or the weather for that matter.

 

you don't need to defend yourself here...you NEED to defend your children.

 

so whatever it takes, nod, yes, sure it's all me...THEN RUN!

 

this really isn't about you anymore. once you have children, you become their protector...it is about them!

 

don't be scared, this will empower you and your children.

[StaringContest]

Good luck, kalena. I think you're making a good choice. He's already done enough damage to your kids, and the best way to fix that damage is to show them that they're important enough that anyone who treats them badly can go straight to hell.

 

It's not like you didn't give him a chance to change.

 

And after you drop him, be sure to tell your kids that you did it because he was such a jerk to them. Then apologize to them for not dumping him sooner for their sake.

[kalena9488]

Well we went to dinner and was then going to go to a movie. I had a hard time just making it through dinner. His actions and behavior have really started to get to me since I've opened my eyes and realized what an unhappy, mean, ugly person he is deep down inside. I paid for dinner (as usual) I also kinda wanted to pay because I know how he thinks, if he'd paid he would have expected payment in return. So he was making sexual inuendos while we were talking about going to the movie and finally I just couldn't take it anymore. I told him I had made up my mind and I didn't want to try counseling again that I was ready to move on. As usual he didn't have much to say he never really does. We went to the movie, I mean all you got to do is sit their. When we got inside I asked him if he was going to pay or did he want me to and of course he said well you can pay if ya want. So I paid and we watched the movie. He brought me home and the only thing he said well I guess this is it, as if wanting me to say something else. I said I guess it is. He kissed me on the cheek and told me that he loved me. I wanted to say if you truly loved me you would have accepted my children and have been kind to them. If so we wouldn't have ended up in this situation. But, I didn't I just got out of the car and went inside. Thanks for all your help. I'll keep you posted. We have nothing together (only married 2 years) so I should be able to do one of those self-filing divorces.

[Green]

First off cumon hes only been married to you 5 years all your kids were older then infant age, you cant expect him to be a true father to them. Your examples didnt really convince me of how horible he is... I mean football games are alot more entertaining to watch then low budget HS drama crud... Why did u go out and help ur daughter ..... her bf obviously helped right its not like the bf refused and then he left her high and dry... its hard for most men to relate to their teenage daughters let alone one he isnt biologicaly related to and didnt raise himself, we live in a screwed world and a simple touch can seem sexual so maybe he stayed distance from her not to put himself in tha akward situation of a relationship with some teenage daughter of the woman he loved....... you really dont sound like u like this guy but I think the children thing is a cop out if you leave this guy base it on other things, this man who treats your 16 year old daughter like a great friend or what ever and ur son so good probably doesnt exist..... if you divorce with this guy ur statistacly never going to have a sucessful mariage..... whats the point of getting married when you can just get divorced......

[Bobby NoBrains]

I totally disagree with KMT above ... People do make mistakes and do get married to the wrong people. Doesn't mean you have to pay for your mistake for the rest of your life. I repeat, if there is no dignity for you in a relationship, you shouldn't be in that relationship, and the heck what anyone else says. Imho, you've made a good decision. I don't like to advise breaking up a relationship, but if there's abuse and lack of dignity in a relationship, it doesn't deserve the effort and sacrifice required to keep it going.

I think you did good. Sorry for your pain, and good luck.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[Trialbyfire]

Anyone who would abuse children or animals should be hung by their thumbs until dead. Write up a pink slip, give him two weeks severance pay and ship him to Timbuktu. Get with the program, you're their mother and the only form of shelter and protection these children have. Nurture them, if it means being on your own.

[StaringContest]

kalena, it's good to see somebody around here who's not afraid to dump a loser.

 

its hard for most men to relate to their teenage daughters let alone one he isnt biologicaly related to and didnt raise himself, we live in a screwed world and a simple touch can seem sexual so maybe he stayed distance from her not to put himself in tha akward situation of a relationship with some teenage daughter of the woman he loved

 

Plausible excuse. But what's a good excuse for making fun of her son's weight?

 

if you divorce with this guy ur statistacly never going to have a sucessful mariage

If you stay with him, you can almost be sure you'll never have a successful marriage. Of course, you can have a lasting dysfunctional one.

 

And it's better for you and your children to never get married again than it is to stay with someone so negative.

 

whats the point of getting married when you can just get divorced

If anything is a good reason for divorce it's that your spouse is abusing you or your children, and the abuse doesn't have to be physical.

[marlena]

Eventually like has been said I started to resent him and I moved out. We went to a bit of counseling, I thought we could fix the issue so I moved back in. I wasn't their long when I realized I couldn't live with the tension that was in the house. He might not have said anything to my daughter but he didn't have to, not saying something sometimes speaks volumes. I know what I have to do for the sake of myself and my children as well as our future as a famly. I've just got to get the guts to make it final. I haven't seen him much. I'm supposed to go to dinner with him tomorrow evening. I'm thinking I shouldn't go and just tell him I don't want to see him anymore and that I'm finally filing for a divorce.

 

 

It doesn't sound like this is an an resolved issue that can be helped by counseling. It is the man's character...or lack thereof. Mental cruelty is just that ...cruel..and damaging ..esp. when directed to innocent children. Children need a a secure and loving home if they are to develop into mentally and emotionally healthy and well - balanced individuals. They should not have to pay for your wrong choices. It isn't fair to them. If I were you, I would take my children under my wings and show this loser the front door.

 

When I finally divorced my husband, this was my uppermost concern. Rather one good parent than two bad parents I thought. It was the best thing I could have done for my daughter and myself for that matter. I didn't want her to grow up in an environment with two forever quarreling parents. He was a good father to his daughter but a bad husband to me (lying, drinking, cheating, unresposible, selfish etc.... So I reasoned that he could continue to be a good father outside the homestead and I could move on to being the smiling mother she deserved. And that's exactly how that happened. The two have a great and loving relationship and my ex and I are good friends. I have even taken on the role of surrogate mothe to his 12 year old son who lost his mother in a car accident a year and a half ago.

 

I never for a moment regretted my decision.

 

 

Forget the dinner. You don't sup with the devil.

[tinke]

strongly disagree with KMT.

a sense of belonging is a crucial (basic) need in development...if absent, one cannot progress to higher levels.

 

one has to feel connected within the family unit to flourish. i would have to say that there would be tremendous guilt on the mother's part, when her children retaliate for the abuse, if she stayed with the H. how do you answer the simple question...why?

[kalena9488]

Well, I haven't put every incident that's happened between me, him and the kids on here it is a whole bunch of items. But you know I guess the words of my daughter that stick with me the most is "he's never showed us one ounce of kindness". And that's the truth! He has three boys ages 20, 18 & 13 and I have always been good to them and tried to accept them as my own. However, his behavior towards my daughter mostly only because she is the one who lives with us has even made his son's treat her ugly. I have three kids (20, 17 & 11). Anyway I"ve made up my mind and I feel good about it. I want to have a good relatioship with my kids so when one of them gets married or has children I'm not out of their life because of my husband. I'd raher be on my own than with someon who I'm not happy living with or being around.

[tinke]

Bravo!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Bobby NoBrains]

I, for one, am with you on your choice, kalena9488. Good luck to you on your path

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby