End of the end, beginning again.

[Filn]

Like many others here, I have read many posts and found a lot of similarities in my own separation. I posted awhile ago about separating from my wife, but just recently found out that she wants to get a divorce. I guess that knowing that there are others going through the same or similar thing is really inspiring, especially when their strengths show through. That being said, here is my story.

 

 

Several years ago, my wife and I decided that we did not like living where we were at; it really held no future for us in any way. We decided that we would move from the US to Canada because that is where she is from. We were both excited about this decision and spent a lot of time trying to get things organized.

 

 

As it turned out, she would move up there alone and stay with her parents because she wanted to start school as soon as she could. I, being unable to work in Canada at the time, stayed with my parents in the US while I saved up as much money as possible. Not the greatest of arrangements, but one that we could not really avoid. It took an entire year for me to finally get my work permit and residency to Canada. During this absence, we met up with each other about 4 or 5 times.

 

 

So the time comes, and I move up to Canada. We are both very excited to be starting new and being in a place that we both really want to be, however things changed while we were apart. I, like many others, made many mistakes in the past and learned from them. I learned how to be a better person from my failures. But my failures were all that my wife saw.

I got blamed for many things and yelled at for quite mundane issues. These things were like, how I don’t wash dishes fast enough and how I should just “know” what she is feeling without her telling me. She yelled and screamed at me. I learned how to keep my cool years ago when getting into these arguments. I used to yell and scream in the past, but learned that it really didn’t do any good, only harm. None the less, it was getting to where it felt that I was getting blamed for everything that went wrong. Seriously tiny issues became a battle to her and every time I tried to talk about it with her, she would only get angry. I could not get her to tell me the real reason as to why she was so upset with me.

 

 

It turns out that she was used to her freedom of not having me around. She enjoyed “not having to look after me” and only worry about herself. I became a burden to her and to her new lifestyle. I got the “I love you but not in love with you” saying as well. I was devastate because this whole thing was new to me because she never really said anything to me before we were both up in Canada, yet she apparently felt that way for awhile now.

 

 

I was unable to find a job with decent pay and that just added to the frustration to the whole thing. So, I left. I asked her if she wanted me to stay and all I got was an ‘I don’t know’ from her. But seeing as how she didn’t know what she wanted, I went back to the US, where I am today.

I spent the last month talking to her on and off, trying to find some way to save our marriage. Her , her family, and her friends are quite religious people, but I am not. I never pulled the God card on her, but almost all of the people around her were pressuring her to do the right thing, because God does not like divorce. That only caused her to close herself off to everyone around her because it is not the answer that she wanted to hear.

I realized that during our conversations in the last month, I married a child. We married young, both 20, and have been married for almost 10 years. However, I only recently realized that she has grown up very little in the last 10 years from when we first married. We both were young and dumb and made huge mistakes in the early years of our marriage, but it seems that I am the only one that learned from them. I had to learn how to talk and listen better in the past in order to keep our marriage together. She, on the other hand, never really talked to me about how she felt and expected me to just understand her. She was good friends with a person that I hated and that I know to be a Meth addict. I never stood in the way of their friendship, but voiced my concerns only to be chastised for being judgmental and being an a**hole.

 

 

I could go on for a long time about the horrible things that have been done between us. I did my fair share of bad things to her in the past, but nothing that I could not, and have not already changed about me. The worst, in my eyes, is that she cheated on me twice in the past. Yet, I forgave her for it a long time ago, but never forgot.

 

 

I continued to try and talk to her and help her in many ways because she is dealing with other problems besides our marriage. I offered up any kind of support that she wanted but she said that she is positive that we are too different and that she wants a divorce. She says that she cannot fix herself and work on the marriage at the same time. I can accept that, because you have to make sure oneself is right before fixing other problems. So, with all her problems, she wants a divorce to start a new life. She said she will take my help and support, but she has decided that she wants a divorce. She is willing to have me be there for her when she needs me, but will not make an effort to work on our marriage.

 

 

I think I tried hard to do everything I could to save our marriage, but in the end, I had to turn my back on her. This was a couple days ago. I told her that if she wanted a divorce, she is on her own and has to work out her problems. I would not be led to believe there may be hope when there is none to be had. I feel bad about hurting her in this way, but if this is the way she wants it, I have to worry about myself, not her anymore.

I don’t feel bad or really sad about any of it. I feel a tad miserable about it, but nothing that I can’t handle. I can say that I tried very hard to get things right, but in the end, it takes two people to work on saving a marriage. The thing is now, I am scared of being alone and having to go out and try and start my life up again, by myself. But, it is something that can be done.