My husband wants to separate

[mikicmikido]

And so my worst nightmare is happening. My husband of seven and a half years took 5 weeks to himself so that he could think. He even drove 15 hours to our hometown to see friends and family the last week of it.

 

Yesterday he came back and said that he wants to separate. He feels that he will be happier on his own. WHAT? 5 weeks ago we had a stupid little fight and I said maybe you should leave...he did and now here I am. He said that he was stressed out and that his whole life was out of control and that he just couldn't feel anything anymore so he just needed time alone. Now it has become mostly about our marriage I guess.

 

I feel so afraid and disoriented. What am I doing with my life? He is a realtor and I handled all of the computer work and advertising. Obviously that is gone now too. We moved here together and live in a rural area that I love but never thought that I would be here alone. What am I supposed to do???

 

I haven't cried every single second so far but then all of a sudden a WAIL will just come out of nowhere and I cry so hard that it hurts. I am so embarassed. Everyone will know, we were always the perfect couple. It has already been unbearable these past 5 weeks with the 10 or so family and friends that do know and the phone calls all day everyday with everyone saying this is unbelievable, he must be having a break down, this can't be right, he needs help, don't worry he will come around, etc.

 

I sort of believe that cause I feel so shocked but I also really don't believe it cause we never do this kind of thing and I never thought that he would say the things like I love you and always will but I don't want this marriage. Ow. It hurts to even write that out.

 

Somebody tell me what to do. What do I do??? I feel like I can't handle this. I have just come through 2 different, flukey, fatal illnesses with him and he was my caregiver and strengnth. I feel like I am dying. I feel sick. I am 31 and he is 35. My whole family is shocked. He was very close with them too. Help.

[Pink Amulet]

You seem just as unhappy and concerned about the relationship as he does. You just seem to be denying it well and back-peddling a bit.

 

I think you should use this time to your advantage. Instead of being sad and feeling sorry for yourself, why don't you go and treat yourself.

 

Pack a lunch, drive somewhere beautiful and take a long walk.

 

Go to a day spa.

 

Go shopping.

 

Go out with friends.

 

Have some "me time" rather than spending it sick with worry.

 

That way, when he comes back, you will be much more composed and ready to handle the situation (what ever he decides) with grace and dignity.

[outofdarkness]

And so my worst nightmare is happening. My husband of seven and a half years took 5 weeks to himself so that he could think. He even drove 15 hours to our hometown to see friends and family the last week of it.

 

Yesterday he came back and said that he wants to separate. He feels that he will be happier on his own. WHAT? 5 weeks ago we had a stupid little fight and I said maybe you should leave...he did and now here I am. He said that he was stressed out and that his whole life was out of control and that he just couldn't feel anything anymore so he just needed time alone. Now it has become mostly about our marriage I guess.

 

I feel so afraid and disoriented. What am I doing with my life? He is a realtor and I handled all of the computer work and advertising. Obviously that is gone now too. We moved here together and live in a rural area that I love but never thought that I would be here alone. What am I supposed to do???

 

I haven't cried every single second so far but then all of a sudden a WAIL will just come out of nowhere and I cry so hard that it hurts. I am so embarassed. Everyone will know, we were always the perfect couple. It has already been unbearable these past 5 weeks with the 10 or so family and friends that do know and the phone calls all day everyday with everyone saying this is unbelievable, he must be having a break down, this can't be right, he needs help, don't worry he will come around, etc.

 

I sort of believe that cause I feel so shocked but I also really don't believe it cause we never do this kind of thing and I never thought that he would say the things like I love you and always will but I don't want this marriage. Ow. It hurts to even write that out.

 

Somebody tell me what to do. What do I do??? I feel like I can't handle this. I have just come through 2 different, flukey, fatal illnesses with him and he was my caregiver and strengnth. I feel like I am dying. I feel sick. I am 31 and he is 35. My whole family is shocked. He was very close with them too. Help.

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time...He didn't give you much info about his need to separate other then he needed some time away. Sounds like there were some other major things going on in his life that he didn't share w/ you. Have you noticed any other changes in his behavior such as different friends, interests, looks, etc? Sometimes, when we hit a certain age, we go through some hard times...I don't want to go so far as to say he is going through his second childhood...That sounds so cliche...

 

I do agree that this is a great time for you to do something for yourself. Mabey a short trip to visit family or friends? Even a day at the spa, as the previous poster suggested, would be helpful. Also, you might just ask him if he would consider going to a Marriage Counselor w/ you...If he immediately says no, then you know he's pretty much made up his mind, but if he's hesitant or says yes, there is still some hope for the M. Don't let yourself get so down and depressed that you can't function. You sound very intelligent...I understand totally about being embarrassed about it in your town and circle of friends, but try to remember that this happens alot and it's not your fault. HE is the one that came to YOU! If there was something going on that he needed to talk about, he should have spoken up sooner...Unfortunately, this does not happen all of the time. Do you think he could be confiding in someone else...Mabey a close friend, family member, etc..?

 

I will be thinking of you. Feel free to Private message me once you have the capability..

[Trialbyfire]

The MC suggestion is a good one. He maybe going through some latent stress issues from taking care of you while you were ill or possibly issues surrounding a feeling of not being appreciated. Best to find out what the underlying reasons are so you both know what you're dealing with.

 

Focus on yourself and your marriage and not what others around you are thinking.

[sumdude]

I feel for you. I'm 6 weeks into being suddenly seperated when my wife just up and moved out with no warning. There were problems and signs but no discussion about it.

 

BREATHE, seriously when you start to lose your head close your eyes and slowly inhale and exhale fully to get to a calm space.

 

Do not pressure him, do not beg, plead, try to change his mind etc. Do not lose your self respect. It does no good to you and will only give him more reasons to go away.

 

Find a councilor/therapist etc. for yourself to help deal with what's going on.

For your own sanity look deep and find out what happened to the relationship and what your part in it was.

 

Take care of yourself first. Then when you've regained your balance after a while consider working on the marriage. You can't let your emotions do your thinking because youre likely to make bad decisions when emotional.

 

Remember that you can handle this. Once upon a time you had a life without him, as hard as it seems work on regaining yourself.

 

Right now you are going to need some space too. Loosen your grip on the relationship and do what you need to do for yourself.

 

Stay Busy. Do things you've wanted to do but never got around to doing for whatever reason.

 

Hope this helps, I'm still on the roller coaster but 6 weeks later it's way better than the first week.

[mum2three]

during your illness? Maybe he was under alot of stress or had some difficulty handling the situation. If you are not uncomfortable writing about it b/c it may lend some further insight into what he is thinking. There are some great advisors on board so hang on.

 

First, get out of the house and surround yourself with family and friends. Look for a counselor as that may take time to find someone you like. Are you still working even though he has left? Maybe you can find another realtor company to work for. Keep busy and don't stay at home crying. Hopefully when you and H have some space he will tell you what he is thinking and maybe suggest MC at that time.

[mikicmikido]

I asked him to see a marriage counsellor together as he said he loves me still and always will so I thought that if there was anything left between us at all we should try everything before making such a major decision, he looked away for a minute then said no, he felt that he had tried and he didn't want to.

 

What am I suppoesed to do about bills? The house? People who don't know yet? He has left our home and works all the time so he can avoid visitors/phone calls and all but I still have to face them, do I just drop the bomb on innocent bystanders who will obviously feel embarrassed? Is there such a thing as paying support to your wife? Do I need to get a job right away?

 

When I was sick, he did pretty much everything around the house. I slept, ALOT, from all the meds. I have always seen a therapist for several years just cause of being sick and possibly dying but now we really just talk about my marriage. One month before my husband left he was sad seeming and never wanted sex for like the last 6 or so months so I suggested that he see a counsellor which he did and does I think still once a week. Threee sessions of that though and h decided to leave? Do you think that a counsellor would recommend that?

[mikicmikido]

So I haven't heard a word from him for 4 days now. Am I supposed to see a lawyer? Or should I wait and see what he does?

[debilou]

I've been away (from LS) for a few days. I just read your thread. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel your grief. There seems to be so many unanswered questions. I don't believe a therapist would recommend separation. My counselor only urged me to do things to make me stronger. I wasn't the one who left.

 

Have you visited http://www.marriagebuilders.com ? You need to give him time and space. I think there maybe more going on than you are aware of.

 

So many of us have been through this. The pain is unimaginable. You will be ok. Hind sight is 20/20. Do you have good friends to talk to? At least 1 good friend will do. Love shack is a great resource.

 

How are you doing physically? It sounds as though you've been through some dark times lately. Now this. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You know the saying "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger".

 

Do you have children? Don't concern yourself with the other people in the world.....it seemed you were sensitive to telling friends and relatives about the separation. I remember feeling embarrassed that my H left me. Like I was a failure or something. But other people really don't matter. Only the closest to us. They will be your rock.

 

You have to take care of yourself. IC is so important. We're here for you. Keep posting. Keep reading other threads. You WILL get through this I promise. Time tells all tales.

 

Take care, Debilou

[sumdude]

I'm sorry to hear about what's going on with you. I am just throwing an idea out to you here. Your husband might feel at this point that you have been and are just too needy. This can be a huge amout of pressure and stress for anyone and they eventually lose respect for you. Even if circumstances are beyond your control. Imagine feeling all the responsibilty for someone's health, happiness, and everything else. Don't feel embarassed. Guess what, You're human and there are so many people going through the same things or who have gone through them.

 

There's only one thing to do. Take charge of your life and yourself. You should consult with a lawyer to at least learn the laws of the state you live in regarding separation and financial support. Most states have a one year waiting period before divorce can be filed. Make no rash decisions or statements. You should get a job if you're not working even if part time. Give him the space he wants and take it for yourself too. Look in your area for support groups for people who are separated or going through a divorce. Find some books on marriage and separation. I think of a line from one of my favorite movies, The Shawshank Redemption.

 

"Time to get busy livin' or get busy dyin' "

 

Choose to get busy livin', the alternative is no answer. ONLY YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY! If you get yourself together anything is possible. Don't worry about what he's doing, thinking etc. It'll only make you crazy because you can't know and will create all sorts of scenarios in your mind that can paralyze you. Worry about what you're going to do today and tomorrow. Stay busy and pro active in your life. You may end up attracting him back.

 

All the best and keep your head up! Put that song "Don't worry be happy" in your head if you can.

[outofdarkness]

So I haven't heard a word from him for 4 days now. Am I supposed to see a lawyer? Or should I wait and see what he does?

I don't think it could hurt to have a consult w/ an attorney..Try to stay busy, as another poster suggested, and surround yourself w/ people that love you...Friends, family...You are not alone..There is plenty of support out there, but you have to reach out of it...Like you've done here...I'm thinking of you..

[mikicmikido]

So, not a word from him. I guess he dedn't say much when we were married and living together so this shouldn't be a surprise. I opened some of our credit card statements today and it seems as though he spent close to $7000 on electronics back in February when he was supposedly still just taking some time to himself. Lies.

 

Anyhow, when we were married we only had sex about once in the last year and maybe twice the year before that. He always said that he just didn't feel like, that he had no emotions, that he was just too busy thinking about work, blah, blah, blah.

 

Point being that I have this guy who is very much in love with me and has been for a while and...I want to have sex. Should I? Is it a bad idea? I just really want to feel close to someone and I know in my heart that my husband is gone forever eben though it has only been a month and a half. What do you think? Am I crazy?

[Kwo-ne'-she]

 

Point being that I have this guy who is very much in love with me and has been for a while and...I want to have sex. Should I? Is it a bad idea? I just really want to feel close to someone and I know in my heart that my husband is gone forever eben though it has only been a month and a half. What do you think? Am I crazy?

I think, you are hurting, and lonely, and wanting desperately to seek some comfort. While that is understandable, I would hate to see you pull someone else into this and hurt him. You said the man loves you, and has been in love for awhile. Do you really want to take the chance of hurting him? Maybe in time, this man might be someone you would want to date? For now, try not to fall into his arms simply because he is there, and you are lonely. If he loves you as you think he does...he will only get hurt in the end.

[mikicmikido]

Is there no way that this could be a positive thing for me? I feel like it may help me to move on and stop thinking that he might come back. This other guy is a really good friend and we spend a lot of time together anyway. We could just be the proverbial friends with benefits. Or am I not seeing things properly?

[Kwo-ne'-she]

Is there no way that this could be a positive thing for me? I feel like it may help me to move on and stop thinking that he might come back. This other guy is a really good friend and we spend a lot of time together anyway. We could just be the proverbial friends with benefits. Or am I not seeing things properly?

 

If he is aware you plan a "friends with benefits" approach, I would say he is a big boy, and can make that decision for himself. I simply meant, it would be hurtful to lead him to believe that you wanted a real relationship, when you obviously aren't ready for that yet. One thing to keep in mind, if you loves you, it will be hard on him. And at some point, it might be the end of your friendship. We all have rebound relationships, and yes, they help us to get over our heartbreak, and move forward. Sadly, most of them don't last. So the question is, are you prepared for the possiblity of losing a good friend if this ends?

[mikicmikido]

Heartbreak, sadness, thinking ahead....I'm tired of having to think and feel all the time. I just want to experience some fun, happiness and done right hedonistic pleasure! I will think about it all tomorrow, today is a break.

[jmargel]

Wait a second.. You have been sick for a long time, your husband did everything possible for you and was there for you through these two illinesses. You haven't had sex with him more than once in the past year, in the mean time you kept close contact with another male?

 

Well my best guess is that your husband has been very hurt by your closeness to this other guy, and didn't communicate it with you, while you were nieve to think there were no problems in your marriage. Your husband just slowly distanced himself from you to the point that he wanted out of a marriage that he felt he had to compete in. Now on top of this you are upset, but want to sleep with this other man?

 

This isn't a teenager romance. This is marriage. Or least it was. Honestly if you sleep with this other guy, you'll regret it and destroy any glimmer of hope that you have with your husband. Someone really needs to wake you up to reality. I'm not trying to be harsh but when one partner just gives & gives and gets nothing in return, of course they are going to leave. What has your husband gotten out of this marriage?

 

You seem to be playing the pity story and I feel you are not telling the whole story.

[Erik]

It's hard to tell from your post what ails your man. Often - this goes for women too - it's just life. Existential crisis, if you wish. Maybe he doesn't even know himself what's wrong, there just this big, empty hole in his soul, and he mistakes it for an unhappy marriage and thinks there must be Meaning out there, greener grass, the Big Adventure, A Fairy Princess.

 

I don't know with the other guy, maybe that's the problem, but if you want him back, you may try this:

 

The advise about taking time for yourself is good, IMO. You'd want to leave him alone, sooner or later, (sooner rather than later, I'd wager) he will realise that the hole in his soul has nothing to do with his marriage, and that the hole has grown since you dissapeared from his life. Don't see him. Make him feel you are doing perfectly well without him. Make him think you are coming to terms with a pending divorce and going about building a new life for yourself. You must not suggest you miss him too much. Don't see him, talk to him on the phone as little as possible. I'll bet the farm that inside a couple of months a very desperate and unhappy guy will start stalking you.

[polywog]

Hi micki,

I just read your thread and it brought tears to my eyes, I am going through something very similar right now.

 

As for having sex with your friend, Kwo is right. I know it's tempting to fall into the arms of this man right now because you're in unbearable pain, but I feel that the pleasure it would bring is just an escape that would add more mess into your life than you need right now.

 

Another more practical reason not to do it is that if there is a divorce, your husband could use this affair (it is, because you're still married) against you in court if it comes to that. You need to muster your wits (with any help and support you can get from others) to think about the future if it comes to court. You are entitled to support and compensation and you need to talk to a lawyer asap to line this up for yourself. An affair is not going to help you get what you need here in any way, it will just hurt it.

 

Hang in there, I'm thinking about you....(((micki)))!

 

polywog

[Citizen Erased]

Wait a second.. You have been sick for a long time, your husband did everything possible for you and was there for you through these two illinesses. You haven't had sex with him more than once in the past year, in the mean time you kept close contact with another male?

 

Well my best guess is that your husband has been very hurt by your closeness to this other guy, and didn't communicate it with you, while you were nieve to think there were no problems in your marriage. Your husband just slowly distanced himself from you to the point that he wanted out of a marriage that he felt he had to compete in. Now on top of this you are upset, but want to sleep with this other man?

 

This isn't a teenager romance. This is marriage. Or least it was. Honestly if you sleep with this other guy, you'll regret it and destroy any glimmer of hope that you have with your husband. Someone really needs to wake you up to reality. I'm not trying to be harsh but when one partner just gives & gives and gets nothing in return, of course they are going to leave. What has your husband gotten out of this marriage?

 

You seem to be playing the pity story and I feel you are not telling the whole story.

 

Think you need to read a bit closer honey. She clearly stated that she is in love with her husband, he looked after her because she was ill (as he promised to do in his vows). As for sex, read back, the OP says that she initiated, he always rejected. As for the man, the OP clearly did not feel the same way about the other guy, she is vulnerable and wants some love so she is thinking of getting the love she needs from this guy. May not be the best of ideas but we have no right to judge.

 

You have no basis to say the husband had a problem with her friend, I would bet he would have brought it up if he had. And inferring that she is lying or not telling the whole truth if wrong, because again you have no basis. She came here for help, so please give her that. If you have any problems then keep it to yourself, i am sure she has enough reason to feel bad about the separation without being attacked. May not have been your intention but your tone was not exactly nice.

[jmargel]

I have no problem giving help, and helped quite a few on here. However for a husband to just up and leave without any answers is quite baffling. There are 3 sides to every story. His, hers and the truth. There has to have been something for him to be reacting this way. Especially over a year's time where they had sex only once.

 

When a man declines sex that much there are only a few reasons why: Cheating, Medical, Depressed or Marriage problems. Guess we can take out medical, so that leaves these 3 other options (unless you can think of more). Cheating & Marriage problems go just about hand-in-hand and she hasn't mentioned anything about him being depressed. So, that leaves me with the conclusion that there has been marriage problems but has not given us any details. She seems to be more of the 'oh poor me'. She's more concerned about her own temporary happiness with sleeping with this guy than the whereabouts of her husband. For all we know he could have killed himself.

 

If I am being harsh, I apologize but something doesn't seem quite right here.

[polywog]

When a man declines sex that much there are only a few reasons why: Cheating, Medical, Depressed or Marriage problems. Guess we can take out medical, so that leaves these 3 other options (unless you can think of more).

 

I occurred to me when I read her post that he might be sexually conflicted, gay. I'm not saying that lightly, as there may be flip posts in response to this.

 

I knew a couple well several years ago that were married and very much in love, very affectionate with one another. They had a beautiful baby boy after much trouble concieving, and were overjoyed. I worked with him, and I saw him getting more and more depressed. Suddenly he kept getting these gorgeous bouquets delivered at work, and started to act happier. One day after work, while we were alone he broke down crying and revealed that he was gay, and that the flowers were from a man.

 

He told me he was conflicted because he loved his wife and was sexually attracted to her, and loved having a family, but that he knew that he was gay and he felt lost and trapped, and horribly guilty about hurting her. It was heartwrenching. Eventually, he left the marriage, and I know it was awful for him because he loved his wife, but he needed to be true to himself. I thought of this story as I read OP's post, as a possibility.

[mikicmikido]

You're email about "oh poor me" really made me angry. I have tried and tried to get my husband to show any form of attention to me at all to no avail. It is not a physical problem he says that he just doesn't feel like it. I said to him that there are evven some viagra pills upstairs so that even if he didn't feel like it you would think that he could take the pills just to placate me a bit cause I have been in need of emotional closeness as well as physical.

 

You try being in the hospital with a blood clot that may kill you and then returning home to your husband after two weeks and even that doesn't put him in the mood when he could have lost me. Do you know what it is like to beg the man that is supposed to love you to just lay a hand on you and he still won't!!?? Try it sometime for a few years and get back to me.

 

Poor men is more like it. We were married when does that come into play? Doesn't he have an obligation to tell me what the hell is going on? And meanwhile I'm supposed to sit here like it is the 1950's and act like I don't have needs?

 

The man in question my husband hired to work here at my home even though I didn't particularly even like him. He didn't even ask me if it was alright to have this buddy of his in my home all day every day. As it happens, he became a great friend while my husband worked until 10pm every night and I was home all summer in a cast and couldn't move. I refuse to take blame.

[jmargel]

I had a bloot clot, 5 years ago. A DVT in my main artery from my left arm to my chest. I know what it is like. Trying to have sex two weeks after being released from the hospital is very dangerous.

 

Anyway that's besides the point. You are now finally starting to give a little more detail. In terms of not only was your husband giving you all the care and love you needed while you were ill, he has also been working very long hours. I would imagine during these times you weren't exactly nice to him, since during this time you were also becoming closer to another guy.

 

The reason why he left that guy there with you is because he TRUSTS you. You talk like you have been some caged animal and have been the total victim in this. You're not. At any point in time you two could have gone to marriage counseling and realized that both of you could improve on things. These things were never dealt with, so now you are in the situation you are in today.

 

Exactly what do you want from us here? Pity? The ok to cheat? What about your husband? He's been gone for how many days and yet you have not contacted the authorities? Are you not more concerned about where he is at and his safety over whether or not you get screwed by some other guy?

 

Sorry you won't find pity from me. Him spending that much money is a red flag in itself. Depressed (suicidal) people often do such things. Or maybe it was time he did something for himself? If you just take, take, take and you had a bad attitude towards him, maybe that is the reason why he just took off and disappeared.

 

What I am saying is, a husband does not just up and vanish without a good reason. To leave everything behind and not to be heard from. I am very worried about him and IMO if my wife did this I would try every avenue possible to find her to make sure she is safe, not worrying about my 'own happiness' in wondering or not should I screw another chick.

[MoonGirl]

You're right...a husband doesn't vanish for just no reason. Working late, no sex with spouse, and being away from home a lot = signs of an affair.