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How long should bad feelings linger?


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Old 15th December 2006, 1:16 PM   #1
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How long should bad feelings linger?

I really don't know if this is odd or not. I guess it probably isn't, but I don't have divorced people to talk to. My ex and I lived together a total of 5 years. I divorced him over two years ago, never regretted it. Then, I got married 9 months ago, and I'm really happy.

The problem is that lately, the past 2 months or so, certain things will set me off thinking about my ex and some of the mean things he did, and I get filled with rage. I'm posting this because it just happened. I was looking up a recipe and I remembered how one thing he would do was to nag me about my cooking. He nagged about everything but there was always something wrong with whatever I cooked, even if he would eat the exact same thing if a friend cooked it and tell them how good it was. And the same with how I drove - how I walked - how I kissed - he always was picking at me.

When we were together I was too depressed to be angry. And after I left I was just too relieved. But looking back from where I am now, where I get to spend time with someone who is loving and supportive, I can see how bad I actually let him treat me. (the nagging was a very mild mean thing he did). I thought I had no feelings for him at all, but now I'm starting to think I must hate him. It's like I want to go back in time and beat him to a pulp and tell myself I'll thank me in the future. But I won't do anything, and I have NO desire to ever speak to him again.

Has anyone else been there? How do you deal with the hate, the negative feelings? I know I hurt him too, and despite what I said I would never really want to physically harm anyone. I just want to wash my hands of him entirely. I'm not comfortable with these bouts of extreme anger.
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Old 15th December 2006, 1:28 PM   #2
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The bio-chemicals involved with "falling in love" are more addicting than crack or coke. Which is why its possible to fall in love or be in love with the very worst person possible for you mentally, emotionally, physcially, etc.

You're simply going through withdraw from a bad relationship.
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Old 15th December 2006, 1:33 PM   #3
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Maybe I just needed some reassurance that it's normal and okay. I'm sure you're right and it will go away in time. It's just seems a little..delayed.
But if it would happen to me, it would be because of that relationship. It was the worst one I've ever had, that's for sure. Thanks, Gunny.
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Old 15th December 2006, 1:41 PM   #4
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I still have my bouts of anger, after almost 2 years separated.

However, I'm surprised that you are already re-married and question if you had enough time to work through your emotions or if you simply ignored them and now they are starting to come out?

In any case, try and work on forgiveness. I still find myself getting really angry at times, especially when I'm cleaning. I dont know why but it really comes out when I'm cleaning. But I have to remind myself that it's been TWO years! I need to let it go because it doesnt mean anything now. But this is me, who's been expressing her feelings throughout the grieving process.

If you havent done that yet, then maybe you need to do it now.
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Old 15th December 2006, 1:53 PM   #5
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In time, the "high" you get from being in love and loving the one your with, will displace "him".

That's qualitive though. Bio-chemicals are strong impetuses. Factoring out societial and cultrural conditioning, the instictive drive to survive and procreate (have sex) is very strong ~ so strong that for example you can't choose not to breath.

When its all said and done, its a conscious choice that you have to make.
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Old 15th December 2006, 3:52 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dgiirl View Post
I still have my bouts of anger, after almost 2 years separated.

However, I'm surprised that you are already re-married and question if you had enough time to work through your emotions or if you simply ignored them and now they are starting to come out?

In any case, try and work on forgiveness. I still find myself getting really angry at times, especially when I'm cleaning. I dont know why but it really comes out when I'm cleaning. But I have to remind myself that it's been TWO years! I need to let it go because it doesnt mean anything now. But this is me, who's been expressing her feelings throughout the grieving process.

If you havent done that yet, then maybe you need to do it now.
Ha, that is really weird that it comes out while you are cleaning. But it's similar with what happens to me, just certain things for some reason make me think of him and get very angry.

It might sound kinda weird, but I think I went through the grieving process while we were still together, as I was trying to save our relationship and it became more and more apparent that I just wasn't going to be met halfway. That hurt a lot, you know? By the time we split up I really didn't care anymore.
I'm not the type to repress my feelings. It might be that this anger just resurfaces every once in a while, and will happen less as time goes by. Thanks dgiirl.

Gunny, your last post was a little confusing. Brain chemistry can hamper you as much as it helps, it that it, basically? Well, wherever residual anger comes from, it needs to go. It feels good just to complain about it.
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Old 15th December 2006, 4:33 PM   #7
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Brain chemistry can hamper you as much as it helps, it that it, basically?

Yes. Its the variable that explains ill-rational behavior in an other rational person.

LOL, when I was a teenager ~ my older sister would get up and start cleaning house in the wee hours of the morning. Years later I read a book called "Brain Sex" (a boring book about bio-chemicals in the brain ~ hormones etc) and it actually used this as an example in pre-menturating women as their proestergeone levels increase prior to the on set of their monthly visit from Aunt Flo.

On a very basic level, it makes sense? The instintive need of the female preparing the nest, prior to her becoming "fertile" again.
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Old 15th December 2006, 4:34 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by milvushina View Post
Ha, that is really weird that it comes out while you are cleaning. But it's similar with what happens to me, just certain things for some reason make me think of him and get very angry.
It get's things clean tho lol


Quote:
Originally Posted by milvushina View Post
It might sound kinda weird, but I think I went through the grieving process while we were still together, as I was trying to save our relationship and it became more and more apparent that I just wasn't going to be met halfway. That hurt a lot, you know? By the time we split up I really didn't care anymore.
I'm not the type to repress my feelings. It might be that this anger just resurfaces every once in a while, and will happen less as time goes by. Thanks dgiirl.
It's not that uncommon actually. I lot of "leavers" do the grieving while still in the relationship. I read a good book called "Uncoupling". It explains the patterns of breakups. It was an interesting read, once I was stable enough to read it.


In any case, you are the best person to answer your own question. Do you think the anger is unrational? For a period of time, we do have to feel our emotions. It's only when we stay in those emotions for a long time that it becomes unhealthy. Part of the healing process is also forgiving yourself. For giving yourself for allowing yourself to be in that situation. For not doing things you "should have" done. And coming to the realization that you did the best you could at the time, and when you knew better, you did better.
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Old 15th December 2006, 5:15 PM   #9
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Gunny- seeing as how I am (finally) on the home stretch to getting my bachelor's in biology, I don't find biochemistry particularly boring, haha. Not that I know a whole hell of a lot about it.
(It would be nice if instinct would kick in every once in a while and make me clean.) But even when you know these things, it's easy to forget when it happens to you!

dgiirl- I would have said, yes, it's irrational, before I read all of your post, but then you make a good point about forgiving oneself.
I guess I felt like my anger was directed at my ex, and I just shouldn't feel anything about him any more ever. But I don't think it's really all about him. Yes, there have been times when I have been very angry with myself over the whole thing. I wasted so much time and energy and money. I mean I just did everything WRONG, ha ha.

Normally I just don't dwell on stuff like that. I think I have some pent up frustration, not obsessive or to the point where it's unhealthy. Well, I don't like emotions and I think they're pretty dumb. I can be out of touch with mine sometimes. I'm trying to get better. I'm really kind of surprised to say I think you were totally right, I can be too hard on myself, take more than my share of the responsibility, get very angry with myself. I didn't really expect this talk to go in that direction. Interesting!
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Old 15th December 2006, 5:16 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dgiirl View Post
.. you did the best you could at the time, and when you knew better, you did better.

That should be my mantra!
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Old 15th December 2006, 7:25 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by milvushina View Post
That should be my mantra!
it's a dr.philism that i use often

Anger is an intresting emotion. And when things come and hit us years later, it usually has much more to do with us than them. I mean, if a complete stranger did half the stuff our ex's did to us, we'd just tell them to f'off and that would be the end of it. We wouldnt still be pissed over it _two years_ later. If we were, it'd have a lot less to do with that person and much more to do with how we felt and what we did at the time.
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Old 15th December 2006, 9:14 PM   #12
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this sounds perfectly normal. some people go into protection mode and bury those emotions and once they are in a safe place with someone that loves them that stuff comes out. word of warning, that anger MUST be directed towards the one that hurt you. I made the mistake of projecting it elsewhere and that was bad news all round. My advice is this - call up this ex and tell him every single thing u feel and i am sure he would allow that and then you will have released it and your husband and you will have a great life.
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