My Wife Doesn't Love Me The Same Anymore

[doglick]

Hi, Im new to this website as i never in my 11 years of happy marriage would think this would happen to me(39). My wife(35) told me she loves me ,but not that way anymore. I went wow. We had a few talks 1 and 2 months ago in which i said she needed to show more affection towards me , like hand holding , hugging and just general loving but it was all me in the trying not her. First off i said whos the other guy? she said dont be ridiculas . there is no other guy for sure.

 

She thinks that this has happened over the last 6 months. I have been a good husband , never cheated, dont drink or smoke, make lots of money she can stay home and take care of our one son age 7. I have worked alot in the past but planned to retire at 40 and she knows this is coming fast. We have a nice house ,cars everything. She has not worked in 8 years.

 

I ask her what can we do? what do i need to change? all i get back is " I dont know" I have cryed alot over the past week . She says shes doesn't have a deadline to dicide if she wants me or not and she doesnt know if it can be fixed.

 

She came up with some dumb ass answers like i used to pick on her clothes when we were to go out on a date. I like my wife to dress up hell she is hot. Then she brought up the fact that i wanted her to sign a pre-nup 11 year ago.. what is this coming up for now?

 

I think she my be depressed, she has lost 8 pounds in a month, chronic back pain, cant sleep at nite, doesnt do her scrapbooking anymore. she just seems hardened towards everyone close to her even her dad.I went to her GP and she is going tomorow but the words she said to me are strong

" doesnt love me the same" She says she might goto counselling.

 

We are suppost to be going on a 10 day cruise in 2 weeks and i dont want to take that away from my son. she says she just wants half the house and a few years of money so she can get trained for a job. So i made an appointment with a lawyer to get stuff writen up .. I am hurt but i think i might be really ****ed up if she signs the paper cause mabey then ill realize it is true . and ill have to let her go.

 

Sometimes I think she mabey needs her own identity. I asked her if she loves herself and she said no not right now.

any help would be great.

Thanks in advance

[bit11]

hey doglick

 

story sounds fairly familiar accept my marriage is only 6 months old. she said the same thing i love you but not the way a wife should love a husband. my wife lost her father not to long ago and has been under alot of pressure so i am hoping that those are the things messing with her head and not me. i am only on this site 2 weeks.

 

anyway on to you.

 

these forums have been great for me and will be for you. also go to borders and pick up divorce remedy a book by michelle weiner davis, it is a great read and has all kinds of ideas on ways to turn the table in your relationship. this author also has a great website divorce busting that will give you some ideas.

 

i have always been under the impression that women should work, not really for the money but working is good for ones pysche. i have seen women that you would think had it all and they are miserable because they don't feel like they are contributing to the relationship.

 

so i think you came to the right place i hope when it is done we are both celebrating but for now we have to play the game. follow the ideas that michele weiner davis has to a T and i think you will notice some results. good luck, be strong and be patient. i hop i can continue to follow my own advice.

[Rooster_DAR]

First off i said whos the other guy? she said dont be ridiculas . there is no other guy for sure

 

I would be willing to make a bet on it. I'll check back later to see if I am right, and possibly throw in my two cents worth.

 

Cheers!

[D-Lish]

I agree how important it is for a woman to have her own identity outside the realm of "wife and mother". There's just more to life than that.

 

At some point it stands to reason that one can become "stuck" in that role, and resentment develops. Anyone with any amount of depth craves to have a purpose in life greater than themselves. I don't doubt that she's feeling the internal pressure to expand her horizons and do something meaningful.

 

That doesn't mean that raising a child and having a loving husband isn't an important and fulfilling life... but as I assume your child is in school now during the day... perhaps she is feeling the tug of lonliness and desire to have some goals and aspirations of her own. Essentially, the initial job of early parenting is over, you child is developing some independance through school, you are working long hours... and what is she doing during the day? Hmm... At home, by herself thinking exactly that! "I'm home alone for long periods without anything to do".

 

Those kinds of thoughts can eat away at your self worth.

I imagine that if she got involved in something fullfilling that she would find herself again and re-establish some purpose in her life.

 

Encourage her to get a job or become a volunteer. Once she begins to like herself again and figure out how she fits into the world around her, I imagine you will both be in a better position to work on your marriage.

 

Seeing a therapist would probably be good for her as well.

Sometimes a good therapist can be a great vehicle in helping us to reveal the crap that is present in us that we ourselves just can't quite put our finger on.

 

Just a thought.

D

[lisapizza]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, mine sounds somewhat like yours except I am the wife, I feel alot like your w, and have stayed home with the kids for 10 yrs.now. My feelings for my husband and our situation are almost word for word what you posted about yours.

I am feeling .......incomplete, I guess is the only way to try & describe it.

 

My husband & I are hanging on now but I can't seem to feel the same for him I once used to. He had an affair 7 yrs ago and I feel like I never forgave him , on one hand but the more I look at our situation, I am starting to think it's a combination of things.

 

I would suggest your wife IMMEDIATELY go to IC. Wheather you stay together, or not, she will need to see a counselor anyway. As far as you are conserned, see if you can encourage her to do things for her ALONE,if she doesn't work out maybe she could start, it has helped me alot.

[doglick]

Hi guys thanks for the responses. Rooster I know there is noone else. This much i am 100% sure. anyways her GP went over all the things i said like , not sleeping, loosing weight, not doing her hobbies and ect. She told my wife that she has to start doing something for herself 1 time everyday.

 

This sounds like she agrees with me and thinks she is depressed but didnt come out and say it. She also told her that this is not uncommon and it happens mostly to say at home moms.I told my wife that i would like to get a separation agreement made up and she said that would be fine ,but i dont know if this will hurt our situation more or not.. But im already hurt and confused. I think if we can get that done up i wont worry about other things in the back of my head ,but if she signs it , will it be over between us? and am i ready for that?

 

I keep thinking if we separate later then things could get ugly . We talked last nite and we dont argue and scream we are very mature but how long will this last??? I think the best thing would be for us to get this paperwork done then if the worst things happen , all is already agreed. I just want her to be happy but it is very difficult to stay in the same house and bed with no real love. She continues to say she doesnt know if this can be fixed so what to do..

Thanks in advance

[doglick]

so we went to the lawyers and she was like a rock .. I guess she is really going to go through with this.. Wow I'm in shock. And we still our going on a holiday with my son in 1 week. The funny thing is I'm starting to harden up a bit. This will be one hell of an interesting holiday.

[A Freind UK]

Two months ago, my wife told me the same thing. She says that she cares for me but does not love me like a wife should. We are at the stage where we do not know what to do. She will not consider councilling and she blames me for the whole thing.

 

The fact is that over the years with the pressure of work and bringing up 4 kids we have drifted apart. AT one stage she told me that it has not been right for years and that she does not know if it was ever right. I have been devastated by this. I never thoght that I would cry as much as I have.

 

I dont know what to do for the best or who to turn to.

[jmargel]

So let me get this straight.. You want her & to work on the marriage, yet you are talking and pushing about her seperating? That does NOT make any sense.

 

If you two seperate the communicate between you two is going to get worse. If she is depressed she needs medical help as well. Before my wife was put on Lexapro (anti-depressant) she would say some very awful things to me, and would regularly tell me that she wanted to leave. That I was the root of all her problems. Depressed people such as your wife will turn on you because you are the closest emotionally.

 

What you need to do is start communicating better with her. LISTEN to her, and when she talks use the words "I understand' alot. Get her to feel like her concerns are valid. What you are doing right now is telling her 'I can careless and really don't want to spend the time trying to figure this out, so here's your half'. Then you are shocked that she is going through with it? On top of being depressed?

 

You really need to setup a marriage counseling sessions. Invite her. This depression which could be because of a mixture of things sounds like the root of your problems. Especially with her saying she's not loving herself. How can she love anyone else when she can't do that for herself?

 

Start off tonight with a heart to heart talk, letting her know that you truly don't want to seperate and that you are willing to be there for her anytime she needs to talk. And that you are setting up a session with a marriage counselor and she is invited to come along if she wishes.

[cranium]

First off i said whos the other guy? she said dont be ridiculas . there is no other guy for sure.

 

I would be willing to make a bet on it. I'll check back later to see if I am right, and possibly throw in my two cents worth.

 

I'm with Rooster_DAR on this one. My wife asked me for a separation and my first question was the same as your's. She also told me not to be ridiculous. I caught her and her OM four months later. My wife also was not sleeping well, was losing weight, etc...leading a double life was stressful.

 

So let me get this straight.. You want her & to work on the marriage, yet you are talking and pushing about her seperating? That does NOT make any sense.

 

What jmargel said. Why would you want a separation agreement? If she wants out, she can do the leg work. I'm telling you though, don't rule out another guy.

[bab]

You say that your wife keeps saying she doesn't know if it can be fixed. If she is depressed, of course she doesn't think it can be fixed. Hopelessness is a symptom of depression. And, if she isn't loving herself, then she can't be loving you the way she should. Really, the IC could change everything. Ask her is she is willing to give it a shot. If she's willing, then there is still hope.

[Billy Bob]

What jmargel said. Why would you want a separation agreement? If she wants out, she can do the leg work. I'm telling you though, don't rule out another guy.

 

Mistake!! Sorry to say guy but I believe the majority of guys that have been on here a while and have heard your story (and mine) before will all mostly agree your wife has the itch.. the grass is greener on the other side itch.. the wondering what it would be like to be independant and hang out with her single girlfriends itch.. The wonder what it would be like to have a romance/sexual affair with some gym stud itch...

 

Best advice I can give you is to get a lawyer, make sure your the one who files, that way you control the pace of your divorce/legal seperation, not her. Start squirling away cash and limiting her access. You better start moving fast and taking care of yourself! If you worry about her and how to save the marriage - she is going to take advantage of you... you will be feeling pretty dumb next year when she's livng with a Don Juan spending your money.

 

You are still emotionally attached and in a state of denial... know the feeling was there. Time to smarten up, she's dumping you.

[Billy Bob]

There is a bit of guilt on her part right now, since you are still living together - if you do seperate for a few months I would imagine those feelings of guilt will dissapate. You want to iron out the seperation agreement and child custody while she is feeling guilty for bailing on you, not later on when your the enemy.

 

In my wife's case she became so disillusioned with the party side of her double life that she didn't see how the kids would facilitate her new lifestyle - so she gave them up to me. Now she is regretting it big time, but too late for her!

[Billy Bob]

My wife(35) told me she loves me ,but not that way anymore. I went wow. We had a few talks 1 and 2 months ago in which i said she needed to show more affection towards me , like hand holding , hugging and just general loving but it was all me in the trying not her.

 

Read between the lines.... I know you want to blame this on depression, want to send her to the doctor... I went through the same drama... Its hard to fathom someone just flaking out of a decade long marriage... but reality is that it happens all the time.

 

Prepare yourself to move on. You probably won't listen to anything I've said, as everyone has to process this at their own pace.

[Woggle]

I agree with CTA. She is dumping you because she wants to go find herself and she has it in her head that you are the one holding her back from everything. It does not sound rational at all but there is nothing you can do about it. Just give her the divorce and don;t deal with her after that except for when it comes to your child. There is a good chance she might come back after some time and there is also a good chance you might not want her back.

[Billy Bob]

There is a good chance she might come back after some time and there is also a good chance you might not want her back.

 

Yep, mine only started to try to come back after we were divorced, she had been living by herself for a few weeks, and found out that life without a home, kids and husband kind of sucked! But too late, I found out that the grass really was greener on the other side. No more flakey broads.

[doglick]

Cta, I said from the beginning that i would not leave the house until a separation agreement is complete. Next week is D-day. I love my wife no doubt about it ,but I have to protect myself. i have worked my ass off in order to be where i am ,and i think with my head first then my heart.

 

She got her results today and all were fine as she thought. We don't fight we still laugh and act semi normal ,but no affection . It is tough living together ,but i have stuff to do b4 i can move out. I think her GP told her to try to make things work but im pissed off at the whole ordeal. Remember i still have to go on a 10 day trip in a week, that will be interesting. .. I want to get the paperwork done before we leave so i told her then there are no strings attached and we can just try to have fun. I don't drink , or party at all ,but on this trip i am ready to colour outside the lines. lol.. The problem is ,my wife has a big part of my heart, and it is hard to let it go.

Thanks for the advise

[Gunny376]

I've bought and read and researched a lot of books. I got divorce sixteen years ago, back before LS. the internet, and the mega bookstores. I was 33 at the time, the wife was 35.

 

Some of the books that I've read:

 

"Brain Sex"

"Gender Speak"

"Men are from Mars,and Women are from Venus"

"An Idiots Guide to Relationships"

"An Idiots Guide To Breaking Up."

"An Idiots Guide To Marriage"

"An Idiots Guide To Men and Women"

"Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex, and Women Don't Get Enough Love"

"Light Her Fire"

"How To Light Your Fire When You Have Children"

"An Idiots' Guide To Romance"

"An Idiots Guide To Seducation"

"1001 Ways To Be Romantic"

"1001 More Ways To Be Romantic"

"Seduction"

"How To Please A Woman Everytime"

 

On and on. but the one book I've come acrossed to what went on and what is going on was posted by either Rooster or JMragel and its:

 

http://www.womensinfidelity.com/index.html#home

 

I've always suspected that culturally and socially induced morals, values, and standards. etc didn't quite square with natuaral states of mind.

[umbo]

Doglick I read your story and about your wife who has had it good for years. The best life, worry free, just take care of the kid while you work hard. Now she doesn't love you!, has the audacity to expect half of the house and money to get her on her feet once she leaves you. Doglick stop crying my friend you did everything right she either needs to count her many blessings or leave a loving marriage with out a pot to pee in and no custody of your child. YOu need to prove she is not emotionaly stable. YOu have your whole life ahead of you you are not a failure in any thing don't feel bad just get the h out that realionship today. good luck man.

[FlyingHigh]

Hi, Im new to this website as i never in my 11 years of happy marriage would think this would happen to me(39). My wife(35) told me she loves me ,but not that way anymore.

 

.... First off i said whos the other guy? she said dont be ridiculas . there is no other guy for sure.

 

...She thinks that this has happened over the last 6 months.

 

.....She came up with some dumb ass answers like i used to pick on her clothes when we were to go out on a date.

 

Doglick,

 

Here's a woman's perspective.

 

THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE!!!!

 

Her excuses are excuses to validate her position for agreeing to the seperation QUICKLY!!! A woman just don't tell her husband within six months time that she doesn't feel the same for you anymore!!!

 

Look, you seem like a very trusting person especially of your wife. I was in the same boat. I trusted my stbx husband. I thought the world of him. I thought after all he claimed to be, he wouldn't dare cheat. Hell, I even dreamed about him cheating!!! And when I confronted him and told hime about my dreams, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "No. I would never do that to you and the I was just being insecure". But he was cheating the entire time! Then he swore his dying mother's life that he wasn't lying after he confessed of his infidelity. But the bastard was lying again!

 

A woman just don't shed pounds unless she is under stressed or she happily set a goal to lose weight. Living a double life takes a physical toll on the person living it!! Stbx husband was depressed, disoriented and forgot things more frequently. That should've been the red flag. In reality, it IS one of those clues that a spouse is cheating.

 

Since you initiated the seperation, you just made it easy for your wife to transition to her other life.

 

If you really want to catch your wife, suggest, you're not going to give her the seperation. You're hurt. It's understanbale. But I don't think you seem ready to throw in the towel just yet. Until you UNCOVER the true answers of your wife's "unhappiness", it will eat you alive in the long run.

 

Seperation is a pre-curser to a divorce. Unless you can look at your marriage ending without any regrets on your part, you need to examine it. If not with this marriage, at least in your future relationship.

 

Good luck.

[Mz. Pixie]

Doglick,

 

Here's a woman's perspective.

 

THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE!!!!

 

Her excuses are excuses to validate her position for agreeing to the seperation QUICKLY!!! A woman just don't tell her husband within six months time that she doesn't feel the same for you anymore!!!

 

 

 

Listen to this, this is good advice.

 

I am woman and when I was cheating I did and said the same things as your wife has.

[doglick]

I know she is not cheating.. that is not a question.. you lose weight from depression.. I think she need to find herself..I have checked and know there is noone else.

 

And in regards to half the house and support .. If that is what she wants im happy to pay.. i own 2 city blocks of stuff so if she wanted money this could get complicated.She says that money doesnt matter and she is now looking into going to school to take coarses in teaching handcapped kids. She is a good person , i just think she is confused and wants her identity back. She had told me she will give me joint on my son . she is a awsome mom and is still my best friend. I think she just might need space. moving out is a possibilty.

[FlyingHigh]

I know she is not cheating.. that is not a question.. you lose weight from depression.. I think she need to find herself..I have checked and know there is noone else.

 

And in regards to half the house and support .. If that is what she wants im happy to pay.. i own 2 city blocks of stuff so if she wanted money this could get complicated.She says that money doesnt matter and she is now looking into going to school to take coarses in teaching handcapped kids. She is a good person , i just think she is confused and wants her identity back. She had told me she will give me joint on my son . she is a awsome mom and is still my best friend. I think she just might need space. moving out is a possibilty.

Doglick,

 

Here's another analogy from another angle. Suppose she were "depressed" as you believe she is, WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN IN THE LAST SIX MONTHS? If she were truly depressed about losing and/or re-discovering her identity, don't you think she would have figured that out prior to your child entering school? Don't you think she would have at least made some mental notes as what her next life will when she enrolled your child in school.

 

There are some subtle clues in what you wrote:

she is now looking into going to school to take courses in teaching handcapped kids.

Why all of a sudden she wants to go to school? And why teaching handicapped kids? While this is commendable and I take my hat out to her, unless this has been a long time interest of hers, the sudden idea of such interest usually ties in with someone whom she knows may be involved in this field. Quite different from someone who owns two city block of stuff.

 

Frankly, I think you may be in denial of the possibility that your wife could be having an affair. Look beyond what she has told you. Unless you hired a PI to track her and installed an undetectable spyware on her emails and track her cell calls and whatever else that would prove she is not cheating behind your back, then more power to you. But you seem to be giving up too easily which may very well what she expected and counting on. After all, while you're pissed off of her revelation towards you, you don't seem that interested in fighting for your marriage. If that's the case, then you've pretty much settled in your mind that the marriage is over and to give her what she wants. You are getting what you want as much as she is getting what she expected.

 

Another thought...have you ever thought that beyond owning two city blocks of "stuff" that maybe, just maybe they are not as valuable to her as they are to you in terms of making her feel important and that she may want you to fight for her a little or value her in some more meaningful capacity other than being a good wife and mother? In other words, other than perhaps, her being a "trophy wife", (no offense intended...just by the impression you've conveyed and described her) that she wants to be valued by you in non-material way?

 

. She is a good person , i just think she is confused and wants her identity back.

"YOU THINK" she is confused? C'mon doglick, you gotta give your wife more credit than that! When someone who may be living a double life, "confusion" usually rules. What follows is usually a list of what they are confused about which summarizes their assessment of their careers, goals and achievement, and in your wife's case, redefining her identity or lack thereof. THESE are "subtle" clues to the unsuspecting innocent and trusting spouse that THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE waiting in the wings..

 

Like I said, just a thought and a woman's perspective/intuition....

 

Good luck to both of you...

[FlyingHigh]

Doglick,

 

Just wanna share something with you---one that I haven't told to much anyone except my best buddy and sister just because I don't think too much of it. They just happen.

 

Over ten years ago during dinner, I happen to read one of my co-workers palm just for fun. Can't really explain it because am not into things like that and have never done it before. I work for the airline industry that it's so common to not see the same people twice in months, let alone in years. In fact, I'm still meeting co-workers for the first time! Didn't know that co-worker from atom other than he was married. The wedding ring was a dead give away. Whatever came to mind as I read his palm, I said it outloud as if I've been doing it for years...so I was told by my other co-workers. But the wide-eyed look in his eyes and seemingly spooked is something I'll never forget.

 

This is what I told him that I saw. He had two kids and was having problems in his eight year marriage; they would divorce two years later and he would remarry shortly thereafter to someone in the same field and they would have a child together. Shocked, he confessed he and and his wife was having problems. Hell, I shocked myself! Worked with him again a couple years later and discovered that he and his wife seperated and divorce was in progress. Next thing I knew, he was dating a flight attendant who ended up being a good friend of mine and they got married. And yes, they have a child together!!!

 

Like I said, I don't usually go out of my way to share this just because I myself have a hard time believing it. But my intuition with other friends and co-workers is unexplainable. How does this relate to you since all I'm doing is reading your story? I'm just sharing with you what my gut feeling is with your story, what you wrote and hints of what you did not. And the one thing that seems to be pretty strong is that your wife is having an affair. And it's with someone involved with "helping" people.

 

This is where she is finding some "meaning", a much more powerful sense of value than what you have worked so hard to obtain and provided for her financially and materialistiically. I think at one point she enjoyed that. But having been married to you and over time, she doesn't see the financial success in the same way as you do and in some way, it may even made her feel less valued by you because of it. In your process of gaining financial success, she was emotionally neglected by you. She might even feel slightly intimidated by you. Look into these areas a little deeper. She is being very vauge with you. This is probably why she is not fighting you so much because she also knows you still love her and you will do what it takes to make her happy. And you are doing just that.

 

On the other hand, your willingness to accomodate her financially as you are quickly wanting to seperate is allowing her to ease her guilty consciense simply by agreeing with you.

 

Like I said, I'm just sharing what's coming in.... It's only 6 AM in my part of the world and just started my java. So I could be off course this time around....

[Rooster_DAR]

I know she is not cheating.. that is not a question.. you lose weight from depression.. I think she need to find herself..I have checked and know there is noone else.

 

And in regards to half the house and support .. If that is what she wants im happy to pay.. i own 2 city blocks of stuff so if she wanted money this could get complicated.She says that money doesnt matter and she is now looking into going to school to take coarses in teaching handcapped kids. She is a good person , i just think she is confused and wants her identity back. She had told me she will give me joint on my son . she is a awsome mom and is still my best friend. I think she just might need space. moving out is a possibilty.

 

 

Women who are contemplating or having an affair/cheating will use depression to masque their intentions. When my EX called me from out of state saying she was terribly depressed, I knew something wasnt' right. She came home, distanced herself from, taking sudden trips out of stated and text messaging night and day. I would have probably believed the whole depression had it not been for the odd behaviour. Finally after I knew something was going on, she hit a breaking point and finally came clean. Ont top of that this guy she had been involved with has already practically moved into our house after only a few months of seperation.

 

Distancing + need space + depression = Cheating