I didn't think it would be this terrible

[Vonnie41]

Hello all,

Iam new to this site, and happened upon it by chance. I am so glad that I did, as I hope I may be able to get some sound advise.

After 20 years of common law marriage, I am sorry to say that my "husband" and I are no longer. I will try and break it down as best as I can. For the past 4 years, after being sober for 6, my husband was drinking very heavily again. I dealt with the nightmare and tried to be there for my children, to possibly sheild them from it. It failed, however, as they couldnt help but not notice their father was drunk again. I stood by him, hoping he would come to his senses and stop. He was diagnosed with Diabetes 3 years ago and still continued to drink and abuse his body. I was there, helping him thru the DT's, the horrid hangovers, and finally? He stopped.

I thought that we would be close now... I was very wrong. Although I am glad he is sober and thank god each day that he is. he has now decided to distance himself from me. Emotionally, sexually. He spends no time with me and shows no real interest in fixing our relationship. He has delved into his work, which is good, but he doesnt seem to want to save our relationship. This has left me saddened, sometimes bitter, and heartbroken. I think what really hurts is that it seemed he only really showed me love or want when he was drunk (how sad can this get??) and now that he is sober, theres nothing there.

I tried to no avail to make this work. But his apathy towards me and the relationship seems to be over powering. I have come to the end of my rope and decided to just cut my losses (and the 20 years I gave up) and just end it. We still live in the same home, however, and I dont see him leaving anytime soon.

I would like some advise on how I can cope with this. The end of a relationship, living in the same house and what steps I can take to help me get over this and move on. My self esteem has been badly beaten over the past 4 years and I really want to get it back. I know it wont happen over night, but if anyone out there has gone through what I am going through (the crying alone, the anger, the sadness, the positive and then the sudden negative and just feeling all around used and played for a fool), I would love to hear from you. There is alot more to this story, but I didnt want to take up too much time. I look forward to some sound advise soon!

[jmargel]

Hi Vonnie,

 

What you are going through is just like he physically died on you. Look up the 5 stages of grief because this is something you will be going through. However, the only way to start this grieving process is to move out, so that once you get through that stage you can move onto better things.

 

With his alcoholism, it's a disease. You know first hand you can't fix that, and good chance it will come back. He has to hit rock bottom for him to want to fix it, and he hasn't. Every relationship requires 100% from both people and it's apparent for some reason he has not been putting his full 100% in. Thing is, he's probably not doing this to hurt you (though I don't know the full background of your story yet), but it's obvious that he has issues that only a trained psychologist could help with.

 

As for yourself you need to start making yourself happy, which right now I know is hard to do. Set short-term goals for yourself and make sure you complete them. Such as getting a job (if you don't have one), save up for an apartment, move in, find new friends, etc.. Make a list and strive to reach for that.

 

You don't get any extra points from Peter when you hit those pearly gates for staying with someone like that. You will also go insane if you keep trying the same routine with him, since as you know you will get the same results. You have tried and he is one lucky person to have had someone like you to help him through all these years, however there comes a time where you need to take care of yourself. You have neglected alot about yourself and your needs due to his selfishness.

 

Everyone has a line that once crossed, finalizes the end of a relationship. Don't think of it as time wasted, think of it as an experience. It's time to close this chapter and move on, and it's OK to do that.