fermina Posted August 28, 2005 Share Posted August 28, 2005 I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months a week and half ago. He was a very attentive and caring boyfrined, however, he has been withdrawn during the last few weeks because of work and issues with his son's mother (he thinks he may still be in love with her and wants to work on their relationship to give his son both parents). He claims he has not slept with her in a couple of years. But I knew it was just a matter of time until he decides to return to her. Instead of talking to him about my insecurities, I broke up with him citing his current issue with the son's mother as the main reason. I urged him to go back to her and see if it will work. He did not call me for a few days after I broke up with him. I finally called him several times but he ignored the first few calls. He finally called me that afternoon and told me that he purposedly did not call me because he was giving me the space that I asked for. He also added that the ball is on my court, that I should call him if I want to go for coffee or dinner. I reiterated that I wanted to be his friend despite of the breakup so that he could work on this relationship with his family. He said he would call me again that night to talk. He never did. A couple of days later, I called him. He answered the first ring and we ended up at dinner. It was great, but once again I reiterated that friendship is best. He agreed and promised to be available to me always. He said he would call me over this weekend. I miss him so much. Was I too quick to break up with him? I want him back, but I'm still confuse over the other woman because he truly feels that he has the obligation to try it with her. Is he now playing hard to get? Link to post Share on other sites
heartnsoul Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 I'm sorry to say this but I think you did the right thing. I'm also sorry to say that you might want to give HIM space to figure out what he wants to do regarding his ex. Being 'available' to him right now will not make his decision making process effective, IMO. What was the background of his relationship with his sons mother? Link to post Share on other sites
Author fermina Posted August 29, 2005 Author Share Posted August 29, 2005 he was going through a divorce 5 years ago. Her husband, a friend of his, passed away and she was pregnant. He stepped in and helped take care of her and the baby. They supposedly fell in love until she got pregnant with his baby. She broke up with him because she claimed she was still in love with her husband. For the last couple of years, he has been spending the weekends in FL to visit the son. He stays in the hotel in the evenings when he is there. He says he cares very deeply for me and that he is very confused. She tells him to date other people and have a life in DC (where he lives) yet she calls him to come to Fl and help her... Link to post Share on other sites
heartnsoul Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 That sounds a bit complicated. So, in essence, she's now feeling overwhelmed and is asking him to come back to Florida??? Or is he initiating the attempt to make their relationship work?? In any case, my advise is still the same. There's no doubt that he has feelings for you (after six months of dating) but I whole heartidly believe that by keeping yourself in the picture is only going to hender his decision making process. Why would anybody need to make a decision if they're wasn't a real threat of loss. I don't say that thinking that's what his 'intentions' would be but that's how I view the reality of the situation. IMHO, what he did regarding his friends wife was honorable and that it's a true sign of this mans charachter but, that's besides the point here. My only advise is to give him space. I hope things work out for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author fermina Posted August 29, 2005 Author Share Posted August 29, 2005 You are right, I need to give him space to make his decisions... I'm not really sure who is initiating what. He is a very romatic guy who was raised to believe in chivalry. He needs to feel needed and to serve those he loves. I'm much too independent sometimes and I don't really want to be too needy, especially since I know that he has other priorities. I think my independence intimidates him sometimes.... Either way he needs to go and make a decision. During our last dinner together, he admitted that he is afraid of commitment. He is afriad to give up the prestige and power that comes with his career in DC and move to the small town in FL to live a simple life... He is very confuse because he cares for her and for me, and then there are problems with his job... I feel bad that I broke up with him during this time because he stressed out with everything. He always said I was I best friend, the only woman he's trusted since the breakup (btw, his ex-wife fo 10 years cheated on him which resulted in the divorce). I get this sense that he resents me for leaving him during this traumatic time in his life. But I felt that I just had no choice. It's simply a matter of time... Link to post Share on other sites
heartnsoul Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 Originally posted by fermina I feel bad that I broke up with him during this time because he stressed out with everything. He always said I was I best friend, the only woman he's trusted since the breakup (btw, his ex-wife fo 10 years cheated on him which resulted in the divorce). I get this sense that he resents me for leaving him during this traumatic time in his life. But I felt that I just had no choice. It's simply a matter of time... Self preservation. Sometimes you have to do what's ultimately best for YOU. The distance you spoke of was a clear indication that he may've in time come to you with the need for 'space' . So, I think you simply reacted to your instincts and his confusion. If you think he doesn't understand the stance you had to take, trust me, in time he will. No doubt, you're in a tough situation and you made a wise decision. Find comfort in that. Link to post Share on other sites
country gal Posted August 31, 2005 Share Posted August 31, 2005 I'm sorry to say this but I think you did the right thing. I'm also sorry to say that you might want to give HIM space to figure out what he wants to do regarding his ex. Being 'available' to him right now will not make his decision making process effective, IMO. QUOTE] i agree with this whole heartedly. he needs to figure out what he wants and what he is doing. until then, emerse yourself in some good hobbies and friends... and steer clear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fermina Posted September 18, 2005 Author Share Posted September 18, 2005 i was doing so well with no contact after posting my last reply. I went to the west coast and just relaxed with great friends. I went surfing and played golf. I also lined up a few interviews in NYC and Europe. Then the dreaded drunken call came. I was out with one of my girlfriends and called him. He was so receptive and happy to hear from me (he admitted so). He was on his way to his hotel from his son's b-day party and he was playing our song in the car. I teased him about flirting with other guys and he said "Remember you love me. I miss you, please don't take that lightly"... So I caved in and told him when I'd be back back home and even invited him to join me and one of our mutual friends "J" for a drink when I arrived in DC ("J" is highly influential and I wanted to see if I could work for one of his companies). He got to the bar before I did. He looked so tired but was so excited to see me. He could not keep his hands off me; he even stopped me outside of the restroom to steal a kiss (i'm not very affectionate in public). I ended up at his place that night. We did not talk about the breakup or his other obligations. Frankly, I really did not want to have to deal with it. He was so sweet to me the next day and even invited me to dinner with his ex-wife who was moving to CA. I went to dinner and told them that I would be leaving the following morning to volunteer to save pets left homeless by Hurricane Katrina in the Gulf. She was so nice and even volunteered some of her friends as fosters. He was so kind and gentle and promised to come and rescue me should I need it. Again we slept together that night and it was just beautiful. The following day he left for FLA and I left for the Gulf Coast. We sent text messages to each other throughout the day. Then the next evening I borrowed a policeman's cell phone to call him (the cell connection in the town where we were was so bad!!!) and he sounded so relieved to hear my voice. I told him that I wished he could have been there with me. His response was "I wish I could too but I have to be here to do a different rescue..." I promised to call him as soon as I figured when I'd be heading back home. Five days later, when I got back home, he was so attentive. I stayed at his place while he worked and he came home and just relaxed with me. It was so nice to be with him after such a physically and emotionally draining experience in the Gulf coast. The following day I was at his office and he was introducing me to everyone as his friend. i could see that he has rearranged the pictures on his desk. He removed the picture of that other woman from his desk and placed it on the board along with pictures of his family and friends. He also had my gift (a globe) on his desk. I told him that I had scheduled dinner again with "J" that evening and I could see that he was not completely happy because he was not invited. "J" also drinks a lot and can be a bad influence on me when it comes to drinking and smoking cigars. I promised him that I won't drink too much and that I would come back to his apt after dinner. "J" and I have always had a special connection and ended up flirting all through a very romantic and lavish dinner. Honestly, if he were not a married man, I would probably consider sleeping with him (this is also if were not so in love with the ex). Anyway, my ex kept calling and sending me text messages. I kept going to the bathroom and calling him back to let him know that I missed him and that I still planned to come to his place. The ex stayed up until 1:30 am when I finally came back to his apt. He had gone to the store and bought bottled water for me bacause he knew that I get so dehydrated easily. He also bought a cool air humidifier because I todl him that it helps with my allergies and allows me to sleep better at night...He was so sweet which is why I feel bad because I told him that "J" was not interested in giving me a job but very keen on sleeping with me. He asked if I slept with "J" and I said no but that I was curious. Then I just hugged him and told him that I missed him and just wanted to come home to him. I don;t remember what else was said that night. I woke up several times during the night and found him hugging me tightly. The next day he had a business meeting with "J". I told him not to mention that I came back to him because everyone knows that we broke up. He smiled and said that he won;t tell my secret. I responded that he was my secret. That afternoon I came to his office to pick up my phone charger before he left for the airport (he was on his way to FLA) and said the following "What are we doing? What is up with everyone knowing that we broke up? You have not asked if anything has changed with my situation in FLA and what happened to you wanting to focus on your future? What is all this drama? Last night you told me that you loved me twice." I did not know what to say. I told him that I had told our friends that we broke up which was the truth and I did not ask about his situation in FLA because I have already made the decision to move on with my life regardless of his situation there. So then I asked him if anything has changed and his response is "No. If the mother of my child wants to truly work things out with me, I will give it a try." So I told him that I do not need to be a part of a one-sided relationship and that as far as I am concerned there is no drama on my part. He proceded to say that the problem is on his end that he just needs to focus on his son's welfare. I agreed with him and suggested that we did not see each other again for awhile. He disagreed and instead suggested that we work on our friendship. This is just all so confusing for me. The truth is that although I love him I am quite determined to move on with my life with or without him. I am off to Europe next week and do not know when I'll be back. I'm scheduled to meet "J" too and the ex knows about this. I'm not sure what is going on with the ex at all. Was he trying by making these subtle changes? Did I actually blow any chance of making our relationship work by going to dinner with "J"? Link to post Share on other sites
country gal Posted September 19, 2005 Share Posted September 19, 2005 fermina, it sounds as though he has true feelings for you and i'm sure he does .... however, until he gets his head - and life - straightened out, he's of no use to you. you didnt blow anything, he's the one thats has blown it with you. he doesnt know what the hell he's doing and he's stringing you along in the process. feelings or not, get out of there. when (and IF) he figures out his situation, he can come to you (which i hope you wont want by then). cut off ties and go have fun with someone who is sure about YOU - and sees that YOU are the one worth waiting for!!! "dont be a hard rock when you really are a gem!" Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts