Legitimate second chance or is something sketchy here?

[EStreetJC]

When I finally answered her e-mail, it was after almost two weeks of letting it sit unanswered as I figured out what to do. Back in February, I found out she had been emotionally cheating on me with another guy she met on Reddit (just like we had met on there). She went ice cold and stonewalled me, and I wrote a long e-mail saying I needed space for a few months to focus on therapy and family. She had called herself "collateral damage" to my untreated depression and anxiety (which she had wanted me to get help for, but of course I was screwed in the head and couldn't make myself do it for myself, let alone anyone else) and said she "needed to live a life she could be proud of." She had not wanted to tell me about this blossoming new relationship until she "knew how to explain it better." She was starting to go through a separation from her husband at this time as well. When I told her I had to go, after a long week of pulling teeth, she dismissed it with one line: "What's there to talk about? We both need space," etc.

 

So I left. I started therapy. Began to work on myself. For 49 days, silence from her. I felt like I was beginning to "detox" her out of my system. Then, on Day 49, she e-mailed me. It was brief, almost professional. She said she hoped I was okay and that therapy was going well, that my family was well, that I didn't have to answer. She texted me an hour later, reiterating the same sentiments.

 

For almost two weeks, I held strong and kept silent, but the slide had already begun. My support system listened and encouraged me not to reply, but my emotions and the high of being with her overcame my judgment. I woke up early on Wednesday morning and responded with a similarly brief e-mail. I did not ask her to stay away, and I should've. She said she wanted to apologize, and asked if we could text. So, we started texting, and we wound up texting all day and well into the night.

 

Her apologies and explanations ring hollow, somehow. She said she had no excuses for her behavior at the end, that it was "just really inappropriate." She said she didn't expect forgiveness and just wanted to let me know she was sorry. I told her I could not yet offer her forgiveness. She replied we didn't have to talk past this, and she was just "glad to know you're on a good path and hope you keep going down it! :)"

 

She went on to say that she deserves to have a lot of people angry at her, "just know I'm working to be better, too." She told me she was doing lots of therapy and now taking her bipolar meds correctly. When I noted that it felt like she hardly cared about me at the end, she said "No, I care. I just have some deep rooted issues," which she later went on to explain were centered around "love and abandonment" (she did indeed have a horrible, abusive childhood). She said I and everyone in her life deserved better, and that she understands her actions have severe consequences, and how she was "out of control on this awful pursuit to feel alive" (she cheated on her husband with me for eighteen months, which I'm not at all proud of), which, in turn made her "not wanna be alive."

 

Me: "I have to ask...did you love me?"

 

Her: "Absolutely"

 

Me: "Have you missed me at all? Am I still in there, somewhere?"

 

Her: "Absolutely. I mean, I didn't wanna bother you. I knew you didn't really wanna talk, which is more than okay, but I kinda couldn't help myself in this moment of weakness. I can go whenever you want." She said that she had felt abandoned by me when my extreme anxiety had led me to refuse to move to her state, and it made things "confusing" and "really hard to continue" for her. Granted, she still shouldn't have done what she did, striking up another relationship while ours was withering on the vine. Yes, I know how rich that sounds, considering I'm the dude she cheated on her husband with.

 

Of course, I didn't want her to go. We began to talk, joke, and share memes and selfies, almost like old times. We spoke of all the things that reminded us of each other during this absence, and of how we had missed each other. She worked late that night and texted me most of the time she was there. I lamented that we used to talk on the phone while she was on her way to work/school, and she said she missed it too, and that I could hear her voice again, "if you really want to." I tried to create a boundary of sorts, and asked her to please not discard me so hurtfully again, because I could not allow it. She said she totally understood. Please note, we're not back together at all, just talking again.

 

We texted for much of the next day also, which culminated in a phone call. I told her I needed time to work up to that but of course I caved twenty four hours later. She told me I could call if I wanted, so I jumped at it. We spoke for a while -- again, laughing, joking, catching up a bit as she filled me in on the beginning of her divorce and I caught her up on my family stuff. I asked her why she e-mailed me in the first place. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay," she replied. A disappointing reply, honestly. She said what had happened at the end of our relationship was "hard to talk about" for her, so I didn't pry, as much as I wanted to. She even seemed enthusiastic about resuming our thing of watching TV shows together over the phone.

 

She finally graduated from college, and she told me she was going on a six day getaway to another city in her state with some of her friends as a "last hurrah" for a friend who is about to begin an experimental treatment for MS. She told me she'd try to text me when there was downtime, but that she was trying to be "more in the moment" with her friends and she didn't want me to be upset if she couldn't talk often. She left on Thursday night, and she has not returned a single text as of tonight (Saturday).

 

I don't think I need to go into detail about my concerns that she lied to me and is really there with...someone else. She never said anything about still being entangled with that other Reddit guy, but she could've been hiding it to spare my feelings. I don't know. Just...what the hell is going on here, folks? Am I being used? Is she playing me? I've had three close allies (one of whom being my own brother) read her texts and they all unanimously write them off as "narcissistic bull****" and half-assed. My brother, who has been on both sides of this road himself, said it all comes off like things she's saying to get me to like her again. Admittedly, something does feel off about this. Unseemly. Hell, when I asked her if I was someone she really wanted in her life, all she said was "Yup."

 

Yup.

 

I wish she had kept her distance and let me return to her in my own time, as I had requested. I think I showed my hand too quickly by replying and falling back into old texting habits with her. The high of talking to her again was incredible, but mixed with a liberal dose of "I shouldn't be doing this."

 

The backstory is in my post history if you need extra context. In addition to insight and opinions...I just need some support right now. I feel lost and rejected all over again. I hate myself for taking the bait, as my friends all insist I did. They say she's been manipulative to me the entire relationship, but I just...can't see her the way they do. That's the hardest thing to surmount.

Edited May 12, 2019 by EStreetJC

[d0nnivain]

I stopped reading when I got to the part where you got made about her emotionally cheating on you with a guy from the internet. You completely glossed over the fact that she's MARRIED!

 

 

There is no 2nd chance here. She is not legally available to date you. The Reddit guy is meaningless.

 

 

Sort yourself out. When the ink is dry on her divorce maybe then you can revisit this but not now.

[EStreetJC]

I stopped reading when I got to the part where you got made about her emotionally cheating on you with a guy from the internet. You completely glossed over the fact that she's MARRIED!

 

 

There is no 2nd chance here. She is not legally available to date you. The Reddit guy is meaningless.

 

 

Sort yourself out. When the ink is dry on her divorce maybe then you can revisit this but not now.

 

The divorce is proceeding. She hasn't even mentioned her current relationship status to me. I don't know if she's with this new guy still or what.

[d0nnivain]

She's not a good prospect while the divorce is pending. To answer your title Q: this is something sketchy, not a legitimate 2nd chance.

[FMW]

It all sounds completely sketchy.

 

Don't have anymore contact with her unless you want your head and heart to remain in a mess.