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What now?


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 17th February 2019, 7:47 AM   #1
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What now?

Quick disclaimer: The post is going to be long. Please be aware that this was my first relationship and I've made lots of mistakes before and after the breakup, and I do feel remorse and want to change.



Met my GF 3 years ago when I was 19 (she was 21). We were best friends for a year and then became a couple.

I had to live with her and her family for the last year of our relationship. (family issues I had to get away from.) I'm very thankful they took me in. But sharing a small room with her took a toll on both of us.

The last months were bad, I started developing emotional issues because of the stress and she was barely at home. She started hanging out with another guy all the time. I told her that I was starting to get really jealous and pissed, she understood and said she'd be jealous too. But didn't change her behavior. I asked her if she liked him, she said she only hung out with him to be out of the apartment.

I decided to start studying out of town, so that I could move away and give her and me some space. Last weeks before I moved were great, we had good chemistry again and it felt like old times. She dumped me a week after I moved.

I asked her if we could try fixing things. I said I'd seek help to control my mood swings. (meeting specialist in a week, so I kept my promise.) She agreed we could try so I moved back home (in with my dad). She changed her mind several times after that. Eventually she said that she wanted to be single for a while.

I spammed her a lot during this time, which I regret. I didn't have many friends before I met her and now I don't really have anyone to talk to so It's been extra hard for me to keep myself in check.

We broke up again but " temporarily" this time. She said she needed time to think.



We tried just hanging out casually, it was torture for me. So we agreed to give each other space and not talk for a month or so.

After messing up and sending her a few text messages I eventually just left her alone. Started working on myself, and started to put the relationship to the side and heal.

We both spend our days at a social workplace (called fountain house) for people with mental health issues and for people who are unemployed. We greeted each other but nothing more.

Until she broke the no contact rule and sat down and had a cup of coffee with me. We talked for an hour, it felt great. She complemented me on my clothes and things like that and she was a little flirty at times. The conversation flowed naturally.

The next day on valentines day, I bought some cookies so we'd have something to snack on if she wanted to talk again. (I'm that stupid yes.)

She was cold with me, didn't want to talk and instead sat with the guy she's been hanging out with that I was jealous of.

I went home, pissed and confused. And felt the heartbreak all over again. I did what you shouldn't do wrote her many long messages, telling her that if it feels so good to be single than there's no reason to have me as a friend.

I asked why she kept acting hot and cold with me (she's been doing it since I moved back home) and asked her if she likes the attention and told her it was up to her to contact me later if she wanted to fix things.


I said I was sick of her putting other people before me all the time and not appreciating my good qualities. I told her that I'm on the brink of punching the guy she keeps seeing in the face, friend or not.



She didn't answer.

I later calmed down, apologized to her for snapping. I said that I'm trying to change and get better but that I'm going mad because she's giving me mixed signals all the time and that I can't handle that. I told her that she'll have to figure out her own feelings before we can begin talking again.

I said that I miss her but that I can't handle the uncertainty. I told her that I hope she contacts me again. She blocked me.

I've told her to block me before, because at one point after the break up I couldn't stop sending her messages and I hated that I couldn't respect her boundaries. So I'm not sure if she's angry or just trying to help me, maybe both.

Either way, I'm not sure what's going to happen. Her decision to break up was really out of the blue. She admitted that we never really had any big fight and that the stress was the reason. And that we might be able to try again when we're both more stable. But that was before I snapped on her the other day.

The fountain house is the only place I know where can meet and talk to other people that I like, but she's there. I'm ashamed to show my face around her now and I'm not sure what I should do. I miss my best friend and my GF.



Should I just stay away for a couple of weeks? And how should I handle things from now on?

Last edited by Blooperflooper; 17th February 2019 at 8:32 AM..
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Old 17th February 2019, 3:58 PM   #2
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Itís best to leave her along and give her some space before you push her away go all the way no contact
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Old 18th February 2019, 11:00 AM   #3
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It sounds to me like she checked out of the relationship quite a while ago, and she's definitely interested in this other guy.

Leave her alone for a long time; you need space and time to accept the break-up and begin to heal. Be cordial when you see her in public but don't attempt to engage her on a personal level. Maybe you can be friends again some day, but not for quite a while.
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Old 20th February 2019, 2:10 AM   #4
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Thanks guys. I've done with her now. She says she's still unsure about her feelings. But I'm just gonna move on for my own sanity, If she wants to work it out for real later on she knows where to find me.
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Old 20th February 2019, 8:57 AM   #5
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Moving is your best option. You tried but this relationship ran it's course for her.
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Old 20th February 2019, 11:08 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by Blooperflooper View Post
... If she wants to work it out for real later on she knows where to find me.
Don't let yourself be strung along as plan b or fallback runt - you owe yourself more than that - move onward and upward!
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Old 8th May 2019, 5:39 AM   #7
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Update.

(I hope I'm updating this the right way according to guidelines, if not tell me and I'll change it. Also, I realized I might have posted this to the wrong forum, this should probably in "breakups" but I don't know how to change it.)


Well guys, I'm back.

The "break" continued until the end of march. She asked if she could borrow me for a minute. After some small talk she told me that she had begun dating the "friend" she began seeing at the end of our relationship. She asked me if I was willing to be friends, I stupidly agreed (was weak, wanted to cling to anything she'd give me.)

She talked to me once after that, we had a good time. I felt the connection we had before the relationship went sour. After that nothing. She couldn't even say hi to me and only acknowledged me when her boyfriend wasn't present.

It's been a little more than a month and I hadn't heard anything from her so I assumed she lied to me about being friends. Have been working hard on moving on with my life.

I ran into her yesterday. I waved and then kept moving. She sprinted up to me and asked if we could talk a bit. After some chatting she mumbled "You're so confusing..." and then immediately said "I don't want to be in a relationship with you but I want to be friends, I want to know how you're doing, I still want you in my life." It sounded to me like she was confused about it, like she didn't understand why she still wanted to keep in touch.

That opened up old wounds, and I became emotional. Tried to stay calm but she noticed it. I didn't want to hear about the friendship thing again. I told her that I've tried burying my feelings and that I don't want to talk about those things right now. I told her I didn't know what to think at the moment. She apologized and I told her not to worry about it and that we'd have to talk some other time.

I noticed she was upset too and that she felt guilty. But I don't know how to handle the situation.I still care for her deeply and It's hard to cut her out completely because I don't want to hurt her. But I feel betrayed and every time she talks to me I get reminded that I wasn't good enough for her.

"Friendship" with me basically means only talking when she feels like it.


Her family seems to be really fond with me. Ran into her big brother the other day and he greeted me with a bear hug. I still value them, they are like a second family for me. So I don't want to be an ass about things. Any thoughts? Why is she doing this? What should I do?
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Old 8th May 2019, 7:27 AM   #8
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Post break up "friendship" is not friendship in the conventional sense of the word where you get together & occasionally talk. It is shorthand for a drama free break up. All it means is that there will not be a scene if you two bump into each other randomly in the future, especially if one of you is out with a date. Moreover since she has this new BF, it would disrespectful of her to him to keep you in her life. EXs have to go, even if the EXs in question are being civil.
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Old 8th May 2019, 8:12 AM   #9
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Post break up "friendship" is not friendship in the conventional sense of the word where you get together & occasionally talk. It is shorthand for a drama free break up. All it means is that there will not be a scene if you two bump into each other randomly in the future, especially if one of you is out with a date. Moreover since she has this new BF, it would disrespectful of her to him to keep you in her life. EXs have to go, even if the EXs in question are being civil.

That's what I thought too. That's why I'm confused about her pushing the issue. She wants us to go out for coffee sometimes and keep in touch. I don't know why she'd dump me, not talk to me for over a month only to bring up being friends again out of nowhere.
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Old 8th May 2019, 8:18 AM   #10
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She's lying to herself thinking she can balance all this. Nobody can. She has kind intentions& doesn't like being a source of your pain. Let her have her illusion. You live your life without her in it. No hard feelings. Be pleasant if you see her but stop reaching out & be slow to respond if she chases after you. In time you will just fade out of each other's lives.
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Old 8th May 2019, 9:59 AM   #11
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She's lying to herself thinking she can balance all this. Nobody can. She has kind intentions& doesn't like being a source of your pain. Let her have her illusion. You live your life without her in it. No hard feelings. Be pleasant if you see her but stop reaching out & be slow to respond if she chases after you. In time you will just fade out of each other's lives.


Maybe you're right. Feel bad for her if that's the case. But my own health must come first. Maybe further down the line we'll be able to have some sort friendship, who knows. But not counting on it.
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Old 8th May 2019, 10:33 AM   #12
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So she monkeybranched. Always sucks when people do that.
You're doing great man! Now it's time for you to break up with her. She wants friendship when obviously you don't want to. She's incredibly selfish. She wants your emotional support (friendship) and the new romantic relationship with the guy she monkeybranched to (she cheated my friend, maybe just emotionally... but still cheated). She doesn't care about your feelings, just her own feelings of guilt. She can't have her cake and eat it too. You're doing the right thing by walking away and never looking back.
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Old 8th May 2019, 2:21 PM   #13
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So she monkeybranched. Always sucks when people do that.
You're doing great man! Now it's time for you to break up with her. She wants friendship when obviously you don't want to. She's incredibly selfish. She wants your emotional support (friendship) and the new romantic relationship with the guy she monkeybranched to (she cheated my friend, maybe just emotionally... but still cheated). She doesn't care about your feelings, just her own feelings of guilt. She can't have her cake and eat it too. You're doing the right thing by walking away and never looking back.

You have a point too. I don't know, It's confusing. I don't think she's doing it to be malicious, she might've just been impulsive when running up to me and bringing that stuff up. But I agree about the monkeybranch thing. That was the worst emotional pain I've ever been through and even if I agreed to be friends It'd take a long time before I'd be able to trust her after that.



I think I might ask her to meet up with me so I can explain the situation to her so she'll leave me be.

Last edited by Blooperflooper; 8th May 2019 at 2:24 PM..
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Old 8th May 2019, 3:01 PM   #14
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Don't explain, just block and erase them from your life.
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Old 8th May 2019, 5:58 PM   #15
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You have a point too. I don't know, It's confusing. I don't think she's doing it to be malicious, she might've just been impulsive when running up to me and bringing that stuff up. But I agree about the monkeybranch thing. That was the worst emotional pain I've ever been through and even if I agreed to be friends It'd take a long time before I'd be able to trust her after that.



I think I might ask her to meet up with me so I can explain the situation to her so she'll leave me be.
You honestly don't need to do anything. When she said "friends", she didn't actually mean friends. More then likely (and sadly) she prob won't even notice if do NC.
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