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Regretting my part in a mutual breakup

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Old 10th February 2019, 3:32 PM   #1
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Regretting my part in a mutual breakup

Hey guys, Iím new here!
I really need some advice on my situation, and decided it could be worth trying the forums out, Iíll keep it as short as possible.

I was with my ex for around 3 years. We lived together, I contemplated proposing to her and even thought about buying a house together. I messed it up. Me and her connected on an extremely rare level, shared a lot of interests but at the same time had differences that made it interesting. I totally dropped the ball, and didnít treat her like the man she deserves. I got lazy, inconsiderate and offered little back to her.
We broke up, I thought it was what I wanted as understandly she had been distant with me for a while. She said she wants to be my friend, and she still texts me every day. Obviously I now also live on my own, and itís lonely. Iíve had a lot of time to think about how Iíve been and reflect on myself going forward. Talking to her drives me crazy though, Iíve not told her I love her or anything like that, we just talk. But I feel like I canít move on & honestly I want to be with her. How do I approach this now? She jokes about coming over and staying on my sofa when sheís in town & linked arms with me a few days ago when we met up. Itís a very weird situation and I have no idea what to do.

Do I ask her to come over next week and talk to her about it honestly then to gauge her reaction? Or do I just tell her I need space over the phone?

Any advice is appreciated guys.
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Old 10th February 2019, 4:33 PM   #2
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I think what you are going through is natural. It has finally set in that you are no longer together. It's become real.

Ask yourself if you really want specifically HER back or just like the idea of being in a relationship.
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Old 10th February 2019, 4:46 PM   #3
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If you really want her back & you don't just have sadness because you are lonely, tell her in person. She may not reciprocate. You also need to have a good handle on why you broke up & how those issues have been resolved. If they haven't you can't reconcile.
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Old 10th February 2019, 6:05 PM   #4
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Cheers guys, yeah I do want her back. Iíve thought long and hard about it, because I donít want to rush back into something if it wonít work. Ive also taken steps to improve myself as a person and my mentality.
I suppose that the hardest thing for me right now is the way weíve spoken almost every day since the break up, and seen each other a few times. 50/50 on who starts the conversations, and Iím getting extremely mixed signals from her so Iím not sure how to gauge what she wants
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Old 10th February 2019, 6:11 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Jguy2108 View Post
I totally dropped the ball, and didnít treat her like the man she deserves. I got lazy, inconsiderate and offered little back to her.
You with your current mindset have nothing to offer. A relationship take two. What did you expect? It's not all on her. You don't contribute they always find someone who will.

Until you learn, grow into someone who is willing and able to reciprocate in a realtionship you won't have one. Getting back together isn't an option or won't last until you do your share.
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Old 12th February 2019, 10:46 AM   #6
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Have you dated anyone since her?
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Old 23rd February 2019, 8:49 PM   #7
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Iíve been on a couple of dates, but nothing major. Itís a confusing situation as we both want to remain in contact, and she gives me extremely mixed signals. We also seem to hang out once a week or so. Not sure if I should be reading it as her being unsure what she wants, or simply not wanting to see me move on.

Iíve never had a mutual breakup before so this has thrown me completely!
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Old 24th February 2019, 12:19 AM   #8
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So, what do YOU want? I'm not seeing it in your posts (but maybe I mised it?) Anyhow, get clear on that and then do it.

If you want to break up fully, tell her gently that it's time for her to tear off the band aid and be done. If you or she has residual feelings, low/minimal contact will probably help tone them down.

If you want reconciliation (and it sounds like she might want this - why's she always hanging around?) then have that conversation and see what she says. It sounds like you realize you needed to contribute more - so if the answer is yes, then try to really own that and be what you should be in a partner.

Good luck either way...
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