babybrowns Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 (edited) My ex boyfriend dumped me about 5 months ago, after a 3 year LDR. Most of the relationship was great, it was just the last month or so where things got really bad and full of fighting. I do believe that the issues can be resolved, but to him "an ex is an ex". After he broke up, we went 5 weeks no contact and then met up a few times as friends. He was cold and distant with me on these meetups, keeping very firm boundaries. He was down and depressed and admitted that the breakup had had a toll on him and that it had made him unhappy, but that it is what it is. We are not talking much at present, mainly because I told him I need to heal. I ignored the last message that he sent, about a month ago. One of my old friends is getting married in a couple of months. My ex knows the couple, but only through me. He's met the guy a few times when we were both invited to parties and things and they like each other. They have each other on Facebook. He's not been invited officially to this wedding though since they have only met a few times and my friend knows we split up, but I can bring a +1. I don't have other friends who know this couple, and yes I do want a chance to see my ex and go to a happy occasion with him. For this reason I am wondering whether I can ask my ex to be my +1 to this wedding? Nobody there knows us apart from this couple really, so other guests will just assume that my +1 is my friend, no history known so no awkwardness. Should I ask my ex? Edited January 27, 2019 by babybrowns Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 You can ask anyone you want, but why would you want to do that? He broke up with you, he is cold and distant and you are barely on speaking terms.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 Taking a guy who's barely speaking to you to a wedding with you is a disaster waiting to happen. The chances of you ending up crying in the bathroom are just too big. It would be too much of a risk on their big day. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 To what end? Given the current state of affairs, I can't see what such an invitiation would accomplish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cersei Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 I don't think you should ask him. If you do and he says no how would that feel? Link to post Share on other sites
Twizzlestick Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 (edited) What’s your motives for asking him? Hoping a wedding stirs some romantic regretful emotions? Be honest. Doesn’t work like the films. His defences will be up and if anything something like that could backfire as he’ll prob end up regretting saying yes and that’ll manifest as him being cold. Weddings drag on, especially if you dont want to be there and you can feel trapped. It’s a bad idea for a date. Much best ditch the idea and if he gets to a place where he’s showing genuine interest and signs he’s having doubts then meet up. Not at someone’s wedding. Protect yourself. This has agony all over it. Imagine it going wrong and he leaves. Then you’re at a wedding, with all those annoying loved up people around you with all the pantomime outfits and lovey dovey 80s music. Recipe for feeling immensely low. Don’t risk it. Edited January 28, 2019 by Twizzlestick 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 he’ll prob end up regretting saying yes and that’ll manifest as him being cold. Either that or he'll get drunk and hit on all the birdesmaids at once, and as basil mentioned OP will end up crying in the bathroom. Really, really bad idea. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 (edited) How will you feel when he turns down or ignores your invitation, OP? Given that he's barely speaking to you, and had been cold and distant prior, I think it's safe to say there's a good chance he won't be interested. But let's say he does accept: you two go, have some drinks and dance, and then part ways again at the end of the night. Or he checks out the hot girl in the bridal party all night. Or he chats up another woman at your table and winds up dancing with her. Or you two get talking with a couple at your table and they ask you how long you have been together, and you awkwardly explain you're not actually together anymore. Or you start to get emotional at all the displays of love and reality punches you in the face when your ex sits there bored and unmoved. None of that is going to feel good, at the end of the day. I just don't see why you would even consider your ex to be a suitable +1 to such an event. It's not the right setting for a reconciliation attempt, which is what I'm guessing you're actually aiming for. If you want to start talking again, pretty much anything other than a wedding invitation is a better idea. It's too 0-60 and too desperate-looking. Edited January 28, 2019 by ExpatInItaly 2 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Hard pass, OP. By the way, it’s not your job to help your ex feel better about breaking up with you. If it’s “taken a toll” on him—that’s on him to work through, not you. Certainly, going to a romantic event with someone he’s no longer romantic with won’t help. People there will not think you’re friends, but lovers. Take your best single girlfriend and use the opportunity to meet dudes. Forget about your ex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Another vote for it's a bad idea. Go by yourself or bring a guy pal Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 Taking a guy who's barely speaking to you to a wedding with you is a disaster waiting to happen. The chances of you ending up crying in the bathroom are just too big. It would be too much of a risk on their big day. How will you feel when he turns down or ignores your invitation, OP? Given that he's barely speaking to you, and had been cold and distant prior, I think it's safe to say there's a good chance he won't be interested. But let's say he does accept: you two go, have some drinks and dance, and then part ways again at the end of the night. Or he checks out the hot girl in the bridal party all night. Or he chats up another woman at your table and winds up dancing with her. Or you two get talking with a couple at your table and they ask you how long you have been together, and you awkwardly explain you're not actually together anymore. Or you start to get emotional at all the displays of love and reality punches you in the face when your ex sits there bored and unmoved. None of that is going to feel good, at the end of the day. I just don't see why you would even consider your ex to be a suitable +1 to such an event. It's not the right setting for a reconciliation attempt, which is what I'm guessing you're actually aiming for. If you want to start talking again, pretty much anything other than a wedding invitation is a better idea. It's too 0-60 and too desperate-looking. This is true. I do find it very difficult to hang out with him as 'just friends' for how distant and cold he is with me, after a 3-year loving relationship. He keeps me at arm's length and it hurts. Every meetup that we have had since the breakup, I have had to be super strong and pretend that everything is fine while suffering very much inside. But I need to suck it up and have some sort of friendship with him in order for there to be any chance of him changing my his mind. Thank you all for turning me off asking him to the wedding, I agree it would have been a bad idea. I'm just trying to find a 'good' excuse for us to meet up without sounding like I'm still chasing him/ overly keen to see him. Link to post Share on other sites
Fekenaws Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 I personally think this is a horrible idea. Your ex believes an ex is an ex, has kept NC for 5 months, and when you did bump into each other he was cold and distant. Why would you potentially ruin a good time at a wedding like that? Go alone if you can't find a proper date and maybe you'll bump into the next wonderful chapter in your life there. That's a no vote for me Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 My suggestion is to attend alone or bring a girlfriend. Weddings are a great place to meet people. People as in people not your ex-boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 But I need to suck it up and have some sort of friendship with him in order for there to be any chance of him changing my his mind. Has he given any indication at all that he may change his mind? And if you're still around as a 'friend' how will you cope when you see him dating or with a new girlfriend? There's just too much risk of you being hurt further if you continue this route. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 (edited) This is true. I do find it very difficult to hang out with him as 'just friends' for how distant and cold he is with me, after a 3-year loving relationship. He keeps me at arm's length and it hurts. Every meetup that we have had since the breakup, I have had to be super strong and pretend that everything is fine while suffering very much inside. But I need to suck it up and have some sort of friendship with him in order for there to be any chance of him changing my his mind. What gave you that idea? Or even the idea that he might change his mind? I think you're in denial, OP. He ended it. Based on your last thread about him, he was very clear he didn't see a future with you. His cold and distant behaviour since then is a reflection of that. He keeps you at arm's length because that's what exes generally do. If you were looking for a "good" reason to meet up without seeming like you want to see him too badly, the wedding invitation is pretty much the opposite of that. It's a couple-type date to a romantic event celebrating love. Do you really think that suggests a nonchalant mindset? However, it sounds more like you need to stop hanging out with him completely, and start working towards accepting that it's over. Edited January 28, 2019 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Hanging around him as a "friend" in the hopes that he changes his mind is a recipe for disaster. The likely outcome is that he starts dating someone else and/or he genuinely thinks you're OK being just friends. You don't want either, and you're going to feel hurt and wronged when that happens. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 After reading some of your other threads, I have to say that you're doing yourself a disservice hanging on to this guy. The relationship sounds like it was fraught with problems from almost the beginning. Loads of incompatibility. OP, it doesn't sound like he cared all that much when you were actually "together." He probably cares even less many months after you have ceased being a couple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 It's over. Stop trying to be friends with him. He's not interested in that anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
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