A second chance but is it right?

[L0stS0ul]

Hi all,

 

I'm really needing some advice as my head keeps going around and around in circles.

 

I've been with my partner for 12 years (we never married) and we have two children; one is coming up 3 years and the other is 5 years.

 

For some time, and perhaps it's when the children came along, the emotional connection side of our relationship has dwindled and dwindled to the point where I feel as though she isn't there for me at all when I need her emotional support. It's very rarely now I get asked how my day was, how I am, or to receive the loving touch of a hug or kiss, let alone to be told that she loves me. I recall a few years ago when I had a breakdown due to the loss of my mum and there was hardly a "are you okay" from her.

 

I had almost come to accept this is just the way things become, even though I still make sure I provide all of this to her as to me these things are very important. I've always been very in love with her and I was head over heels for her when we met.

 

To be fair on her, she was raised in a family where she didn't get the hugs, kisses and love that a lot of us do when growing up. And this is very much my love language.

 

Unfortunately and disappointingly, through a series of events last year I found myself in a situation I never ever imagined. I had an affair with a co-worker. I'm deeply embarrassed and ashamed of this and feel for both of them, my partner in particular, due to the pain my selfish actions caused.

 

The person I had an affair with was someone I had worked with for three years. I had always held her in high regard and probably had a little crush on her as she is very attractive, but never imagined anything more.

 

We both happened to be in the same city, away from our usual place of residence for different events last year. A work colleague of mine and others we were with decided to meet up with her and her friends. We had some drinks and to cut a long story short, after a lot of talking with her that night her and I kissed for what felt like a millisecond then we both freaked out at what had happened. The following week at work we caught up and apologized and said there was nothing in it. But from that point on things grew between us and we seemed unable to keep away from each other. It seemed to be as a friendship at first, lots of messaging, then it seemed to become being there for each other then months and months later a full blown affair. She left to go overseas early this year and then I told my partner everything.

 

My partner and I are in couples therapy at the moment, but a big issue at present is I just can't get the person who I had an affair with out of my head. I think about her all day long, I dream of her and it feels as though I long for her. I do miss her immensely.

 

When I reflect on things, she was filling my emotional cup... always asking how my day was, asking how I was doing, telling me things I hadn't heard in a long time about how special I am, giving me the hugs and kisses I crave and that I'm not getting with my partner. We had a lot of fun together.

 

I'm really trying to make things work with my partner, doing as much as I can around the house, buying her treats and presents, being there for her as much as I can emotionally and physically, going through couples therapy etc but I'm still not getting anything in return. I completely get it at this point in time as I have a lot of making up to do for hurting her and being selfish and things will take time.

 

I do think sometimes that if it wasn't for our two children who I adore more than anything else in this world, I may have left. My children mean everything to me and I love them so much. I'm a very hands on father and we definitely have a 50-50 relationship with looking after them and meeting their every need. Imagining a world where I can't see them every day breaks my heart immensely. And I want them to have the best life possible.

 

But I am finding myself more and more these days wondering what life would be like with the person I had an affair with. I'm aware that we were in a bubble, adding the challenges of every day life would mean things wouldn't be all rosy, I'm probably romanticizing and fantasizing over things, that 90 - 95 % of relationships stemming from affairs don't work, but all of this doesn't seem to shift my constantly wondering mind.

 

Any advice from anyone on this is much appreciated!

[BluesPower]

Yes it is fantasy... It always is.

 

Your affair, the romanticizing of it, yeah, let's stop that OK.

 

There was nothing special with the affair it is just like all the others, and you are currently in the affair fog.

 

All the reasons that you gave, which sound like justifications, are complete crap. And look, I am not trying to be mean, but you are a grown man, and an man that needs to make some decisions about his life, so please let's get past all that foolishness.

 

What you need to decide, is do you want to be with our partner, bottom line. If the emotional part of the relationship has been dead this long, I have to ask if it is worth saving?

 

Further, you understand now, that you allowing yourself to settle for a relationship with zero affection was a huge mistake, right?

 

So the question is... Is this relationship worth saving?

[d0nnivain]

If your partner wasn't raised with affection, she probably doesn't know how to give it. I'm sorry your mother passed. Please accept my condolences.

 

Do mention to the therapist that you still harbor resentment about your GF's treatment of you after mom's death.

 

Now that you have 2 young kids, your partner is probably exhausted from taking care of them. In her exhaustion her reserves to care for you have been depleted. You need to be a bit more understanding and/or take more of the burden of the house & kids away from her. Talk to the therapist about this too. Perhaps hire a cleaning person.

 

Abandoning your kids to pursue some fantasy won't fix what is broken in your life. Even if you initially got more flattering attention once that relationship settled into a routine with chores & kids you'd be right back where you are now only with 2 families to support financially.

 

Ask your partner if she resents you. 12 years & 2 kids later with no marriage, your failure to formalize the relationship may have also killed her feelings because she may not feel valued by you. Then she shut down & pulled away.

[FMW]

You can't stop thinking about your AP because she was providing what you were missing. Yes, it was fantasy. It was easy for her to shower you with affection and attention because she didn't have to share any responsibilities with you - for children, home , etc.

 

I'm curious how you got this far down the road with your partner, 12 years and two children, without realizing her inability to show you attention and affection was a serious problem for you that left you vulnerable to seeking fulfillment elsewhere. You clearly were together several years prior to the first child coming along.

 

I don't think people change much in these ways - either she's attentive and affectionate or she's not. And obviously your affair is going to make that even harder for her.

 

As for you, you were vulnerable once and likely will be again. Your AP was most likely not your soul mate or one-of-a-kind connection. She was just the one there when you were feeling needy and weak. There will be another if things don't change.

 

You need to have a serious, open and honest conversation with your partner and see if you are able to work together to change things.

[preraph]

I agree she may not know how to give affection, which sucks for not only you but the kids, so you be sure and show those kids a lot of affection. My mom was kind of cold physically as well. I don't know why. She came from a huge family, 13 kids. Maybe there just wasn't enough to go around. My dad was affectionate, though, always a hug when he came home from work, sitting on his lap, etc. So be sure you do that for your kids.

 

Keep doing therapy and be sure you talk about all this and don't hold back.

 

I have to ask: If she was like this from the beginning, why did you fall for her? Or was she affectionate in the beginning? If so, she's probably just pouring it all into her kids and needs to throw some your way. But if she never was, well, don't know how you fell for her.