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Dilemma


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Old 6th February 2018, 3:39 PM   #1
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Dilemma

My situation is kinda unorthodox, in that the person I'm doing NC with was not my boyfriend. I'll explain the story here, apologies for length:

In August last year, I met a guy on Tinder; I was just studying in my university library and got incredibly bored and just needed to meet up with someone. I was hesitant about going to meet him (having been through a traumatic childhood, for which I am currently seeing a therapist and really eager to get over and move on with my life.) Anyway, met him - and he was absolutely perfect. I'm a self-confessed overachiever, not arrogant though, and no one really knows how well I do in class. He loved that about me, and we really connected over all sorts of things (work, politics, we're both not out of the closet, etc.)

In September, classes started up again and I got really busy (I'm in my final year, and my grades and work are super important to me.) Anyway, we still met up a few times, and had a drunk conversation in which he admitted that "I was his one," "I really wanna be with you..." I then got REALLY busy because I had a few problems at home, moved back for a few weeks to deal with them, but still spoke to him via text. Part of the problem here is that it IS my past that stopped me just "being" with him, dating, and then even being able to accept it being over if the relationship fizzled away.

Met up with him in late November, felt good but I am currently finding it difficult to kiss, make out with guys because it reminds me of past events in my childhood. He then texted me saying that he was having doubts about us, but obviously he had no idea about the seriousness of what was going on at home, nor the specific details of my childhood. I then basically had a nervous breakdown and texted him probably 100 times, which is really embarrassing in hindsight. The point is, I didn't want him to know about everything, but also HATE using my past to justify stupid and clingy behavior that I do in the present. I just SO want to get over it.

We met up in early December, and he basically told me that there was someone else, he didn't want anything with me because it was too much, and I left absolutely heartbroken. I'm only really just getting over it, although I still think about him every day. Part of me wishes I'd never met him, but obviously I know I'm only thinking that because I just miss him so much. I am currently meeting back up with friends though, and really trying to get better for myself.
He said that he would possibly be willing to leave the door open for us, so we agreed that I would text him in July. He seemed really positive about this, saying "definitely text me," "good luck for your final college year," etc.

It's been just over a month of NC (last contact December 30, 2017,) but I can't stop looking at his social media, thinking about him. I guess this is made worse by the fact that he is willing to possibly leave the door open for us, and that I am seeing a therapist (which is great, but is problematic in part because I feel like I'm getting better FOR HIM.)

I am really desperate to just text him, find out how he's doing... It's like I want a definitive answer as to whether there's any hope for us in the future, at some point.

Any opinions on this, what should I do?!
Many thanks for reading.
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Old 6th February 2018, 4:18 PM   #2
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Good for you for being in therapy. If it hasn't been already, part of your therapy should address your reluctance to be emotionally vulnerable and share your whole story. Not that you have to do that on a first date or even the first month, but it kinda sounds like it's something you want to keep to yourself forever (your trauma/childhood). Part of being in a healthy adult relationship is allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open, which makes the other person feel good and important that you trusted them enough to allow them to be a comfort to you.

You may not be ready for a relationship yet, until you work through your stuff more in counseling.
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Old 6th February 2018, 4:57 PM   #3
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Good for you for being in therapy. If it hasn't been already, part of your therapy should address your reluctance to be emotionally vulnerable and share your whole story. Not that you have to do that on a first date or even the first month, but it kinda sounds like it's something you want to keep to yourself forever (your trauma/childhood). Part of being in a healthy adult relationship is allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open, which makes the other person feel good and important that you trusted them enough to allow them to be a comfort to you.

You may not be ready for a relationship yet, until you work through your stuff more in counseling.
Thanks - yeah, seeking therapy was scary but surprisingly helpful. I didn't mention this in my original post, but I started going to therapy around early November when the guy started telling me he really liked me. This was because I desperately wanted to get better, be normal, just so that I could give a relationship with him a shot.

So I've been in therapy for around three months, and worked through/discussed A LOT of stuff. I'm going to continue going for a long time.

I guess I just want to know, or get your perspective on, whether I should text him in July, or perhaps earlier. Obviously I have to be prepared for the scenario that he doesn't reply; or he blocks me; or he texts me saying he doesn't want to know me. I just want him to know that I miss him, and I want to try out a relationship (of course, if he was up for it too.) I mean, I could just block his number and try to forget him completely...
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Old 6th February 2018, 5:02 PM   #4
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Why did he specifically say "July?" I think my inclination is to advise you to only work on yourself for now and try to forget him. He knows how to get in touch with you if he wants to.
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Old 6th February 2018, 5:22 PM   #5
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Why did he specifically say "July?" I think my inclination is to advise you to only work on yourself for now and try to forget him. He knows how to get in touch with you if he wants to.
Oh, I was the one who initiated NC and said let's get back in contact in July. He seemed positive about that. The problem is, though, that it makes it harder for me to move on if I'm thinking about talking to him again haha.
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Old 6th February 2018, 5:37 PM   #6
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Saying to wait till July doesn't sound very hopeful. I mean if he really was keeping the door open, I don't think he would want to wait that long.

He could probably see you were struggling emotionally and thought the idea of maybe reconnecting in July would have soften the blow (which of course we know it does not).

I don't think there is much you can do here. The only chance he might come back is if you stay NC and go about your life. Actions speak louder than words and maintaining NC could possibly show him you are doing much better emotionally.

But you need to do NC for yourself. Then it's the truth and it leads to the best results either way.
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