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Did I hurt him?


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 27th January 2018, 8:38 AM   #1
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Did I hurt him?

First of all, please read to understand, not to give me a response.

My ex and I live in different countries. He moved to mine so we could work together in a project. Things got pretty nasty and one day after 10 months of relationship, after 4 months of constant arguments, after one of my jealousies explosion, he told me he was leaving back to his country. After some days we kept in touch but I was asking him if he will ever come back. He told me to focus on myself and stop worrying about "us". So I initiated no contact.

I have been in no contact since. I broke no contact, 4 days ago, after 4 months of complete silence and out the blue I asked him if he wanted to come back. He said YES he wanted to come back but he was very cold. With 2 words reply and that pissed me off so I wrote him an email, and told him what he was expecting from me after 4 months and if he wanted me to give him the world just because I have feelings for him. I also told him I believed he is my soulmate but I wasn't going to fight for someone as stubborn as he is and doesn't fight to come back to my country. He depends financially on me to come back and make a living here.

I told him to man up, swallow his ego and to talk to me like a decent human being.

He replied saying he doesn't want, need or expect anything from me or anyone related to me and if he led me to believe that there was something going on with us, he apologized. He also said if I don't like his replies it was my problem.

So I told him ok, that I won't bother him again and I blocked him everywhere.

During the no contact, he used his phone he bought here, and that doesn't work in his country only with wifi, to make missed calls on my Whatsapp , and he also was blocking me and unblocking me several times. I never responded to that, but In my hurtful email I called him on his bull and told him to stop making stupid stuff on WhatsApp to get my attention, and he could talk to me because I don't bite.

I think I hurt him with my email telling him to man up. He is a person that needs lots of attention and he has abandonment issues. What can I do? I'm giving him space.
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Old 27th January 2018, 9:04 AM   #2
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What do you mean what can you do?

This whole mess was handled so poorly.

You were together for 10 months. During that time, this man changed countries for you! Waaaayyyyy too soon to close a gap like that unless he otherwise wanted to live in yours. During the last 4 month of the relationship you were constantly fighting. So for 40% of the time you knew each other things were bad. Then you broke up after one of your jealous explosions. The way you phrased that indicates that there have been multiple jealous explosions.

Do you understand that emotional explosions in & of themselves are bad? What was making you so nuts during what should have been a honeymoon phase of the relationship? If he was running around on you or being disrespectful why are you even thinking about getting back together with him? If he wasn't, until you get some real control over your own outbursts, you will never be able to maintain a healthy, happy fulfilling relationship with anybody.

He goes home to his country.

So then you go NC for 4 months. In that 4 months you fail to heal. In essence you were trying to employ the silent treatment but then you reached out. After you reached out, you didn't like the tone of his answer so you went back to be angry. Way to start a reconciliation. The fact that you wanted to get back together one minute then managed to fly off the handle again, in the face of this man you allegedly care about telling you yes, he does want to come back makes me wonder if you have a clue about what you want or what a solid relationship looks like.

You don't respect this guy. You have some pie in the sky notion that he's your soulmate. He's not. They don't exist. You want him to "man up" & fight for you but you actually resent his financial dependence on you. Frankly the way you keep emasculating this guy, will never enable him to be fairy tale white knight you seek.

He has now grown enough of a spine to tell you he doesn't need you. The best thing you can do is leave him alone. You have done enough damage. He's through with you.

Going forward you need to learn some diplomacy & you need to learn that communication fixes problems. The silent treatment makes things worse.
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Old 27th January 2018, 9:52 AM   #3
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I think your behavior was emotionally abusive.

He would be wise to walk away. And before you enter another relationship, you would be wise to develop more self control and learn how to treat others with respect.

It's not reasonable to expect others to want a relationship with you when you don't treat them well. People want to be in a relationship that makes them feel good. This isn't it.

Last edited by BaileyB; 27th January 2018 at 9:56 AM..
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Old 27th January 2018, 10:10 AM   #4
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One of the reasons people go to NC is to heal, move on. After proper use of NC and before you make any contact, some reflection should have taken place. There should have been some kind of transformation so that you are in a better place to communicate again, if ever.

It doesn't sound like you did. You still sounded defensive, pissed and he did as well.
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Old 27th January 2018, 10:44 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
What do you mean what can you do?

This whole mess was handled so poorly.

You were together for 10 months. During that time, this man changed countries for you! Waaaayyyyy too soon to close a gap like that unless he otherwise wanted to live in yours. During the last 4 month of the relationship you were constantly fighting. So for 40% of the time you knew each other things were bad. Then you broke up after one of your jealous explosions. The way you phrased that indicates that there have been multiple jealous explosions.

Do you understand that emotional explosions in & of themselves are bad? What was making you so nuts during what should have been a honeymoon phase of the relationship? If he was running around on you or being disrespectful why are you even thinking about getting back together with him? If he wasn't, until you get some real control over your own outbursts, you will never be able to maintain a healthy, happy fulfilling relationship with anybody.

He goes home to his country.

So then you go NC for 4 months. In that 4 months you fail to heal. In essence you were trying to employ the silent treatment but then you reached out. After you reached out, you didn't like the tone of his answer so you went back to be angry. Way to start a reconciliation. The fact that you wanted to get back together one minute then managed to fly off the handle again, in the face of this man you allegedly care about telling you yes, he does want to come back makes me wonder if you have a clue about what you want or what a solid relationship looks like.

You don't respect this guy. You have some pie in the sky notion that he's your soulmate. He's not. They don't exist. You want him to "man up" & fight for you but you actually resent his financial dependence on you. Frankly the way you keep emasculating this guy, will never enable him to be fairy tale white knight you seek.

He has now grown enough of a spine to tell you he doesn't need you. The best thing you can do is leave him alone. You have done enough damage. He's through with you.

Going forward you need to learn some diplomacy & you need to learn that communication fixes problems. The silent treatment makes things worse.
Well, I was jelaous because he lied and cheated on me while we were apart. When he came here, he kept in touch with his exes behind my back. One of his exes tried to destroy our relationship by texting me saying she was pregnant with his baby when it was all a lie. But he kept texting her.

My no contact wasn't a silent treatment. I was in therapy also treating breast cancer. During the 4 months I was still having negative feelings towards him. So I stayed away. I know I did him wrong by controlling him and being very jelaous. He broke my trust and that's when everything got fcked up besides of financial issues. Etc

I'm leaving him alone of course. That was my intention when he left. But he kept leaving missed calls on my WhatsApp and I didn't react to it because I wasn't ready to talk to him.
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Old 27th January 2018, 10:50 AM   #6
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Well, I was jelaous because he lied and cheated on me while we were apart. When he came here, he kept in touch with his exes behind my back. One of his exes tried to destroy our relationship by texting me saying she was pregnant with his baby when it was all a lie. But he kept texting her.

My no contact wasn't a silent treatment. I was in therapy also treating breast cancer. During the 4 months I was still having negative feelings towards him. So I stayed away. I know I did him wrong by controlling him and being very jelaous. He broke my trust and that's when everything got fcked up besides of financial issues. Etc

I'm leaving him alone of course. That was my intention when he left. But he kept leaving missed calls on my WhatsApp and I didn't react to it because I wasn't ready to talk to him.
First things first, I wish you a complete recovery from your breast cancer and good health moving forward.

Otherwise, he has clearly engaged in behaviors that have been hurtful to you. And, you have clearly engaged in behaviors that have been hurtful to him. This is not a healthy relationship, for either of you. It is really best to let this go...

Best wishes.
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Old 27th January 2018, 10:50 AM   #7
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So he's a cheater. Block him & move on. What he wants should not matter. What do you want? If it's to be left alone in peace, grant yourself that peace by severing all contact with you & never responding to him again.
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Old 27th January 2018, 10:57 AM   #8
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First things first, I wish you a complete recovery from your breast cancer and good health moving forward.

Otherwise, he has clearly engaged in behaviors that have been hurtful to you. And, you have clearly engaged in behaviors that have been hurtful to him. This is not a healthy relationship, for either of you. It is really best to let this go...

Best wishes.
Thank you. That's the decision I'm trying to make let this go or wait a little longer until I'm fully recovered.
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Old 27th January 2018, 11:00 AM   #9
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Thank you. That's the decision I'm trying to make let this go or wait a little longer until I'm fully recovered.
I would let it go. He is a cheater, he's lied, and he hasn't supported you when his ex created drama in an attempt to break you up... There is no room in my life for someone who does this. I would have no difficult walking away from this guy...
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Old 27th January 2018, 11:00 AM   #10
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So he's a cheater. Block him & move on. What he wants should not matter. What do you want? If it's to be left alone in peace, grant yourself that peace by severing all contact with you & never responding to him again.
You are right. But do cheaters change? He keeps claiming he never cheated on me but there was a lot of facts that he did. Anyways I have still a lot of work to do.
Thank you for your advice
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Old 27th January 2018, 11:07 AM   #11
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I would let it go. He is a cheater, he's lied, and he hasn't supported you when his ex created drama in an attempt to break you up... There is no room in my life for someone who does this. I would have no difficult walking away from this guy...
It is extremely hard for me to move on. I keep thinking about him 24/7. I've been in worst relationships and I had no problem moving on from this same kind of toxicity.
I never caught him cheating because we were apart but while i was in his country he met behind my back with his ex (same one that claimed to be pregnant).
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Old 27th January 2018, 11:10 AM   #12
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One of the reasons people go to NC is to heal, move on. After proper use of NC and before you make any contact, some reflection should have taken place. There should have been some kind of transformation so that you are in a better place to communicate again, if ever.

It doesn't sound like you did. You still sounded defensive, pissed and he did as well.
I call it no contact but I was trying to move on and like I said in other comments I was in therapy and cancer treatment. I just felt like contacting him to reply to his attempts of communication with stupid games on WhatsApps. But yes I wasn't ready for it.
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Old 27th January 2018, 11:11 AM   #13
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Some cheaters change & some people win the lottery. I'd bet on being a lottery winner.

You weren't jealous because you were some crazy. You were jealous because some woman was telling you that she was pregnant with his baby. Too much drama.

Let go of the soulmate nonsense. He probably fed you some typical player line of bulls*** that you fell for hook line & sinker which is what led you to believe it was destiny. If you look at it more objectively, there is no good reason to stay with this guy.

It is possible to still harbor feelings bit nevertheless know you have to walk away. I lived with a guy for 10 years. For a lot of reasons including a bunch of garbage my own mother fed to me, I thought he was my soulmate. I wanted to get married. He didn't believe in marriage. After the 1st 5 years, every day his refusal to marry me ate another little piece of my soul until there was nothing left. Finally I walked away which was one of the hardest things I ever did but I had to for my own sanity.
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Old 27th January 2018, 1:59 PM   #14
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I think why he is never happy and seems resentful is because it sounds like you were giving him work and he was financially dependent on you. A lot of guys' egos cannot handle that. If I had to guess, I'd say he desperately wants to gain the upper hand, which he feels he can't do being dependent on your financially. He already feels "not a man," which I know because you say he's very jealous, and jealousy isn't a compliment -- it's simply whoever's jealous (one or both of you) insecurity. So he already is insecure, then he's kind of under your control because of the job position or project or whatever it is. His ego can't handle that. It makes him feel less than -- but that is not your problem. However, you telling him to man up struck a nerve for that very reason, although I have no doubt he does need to man up, just from what you've told us in your post. He needs to make his own way, work on his jealousy, and be his own man.

And as you say, he has abandonment issues. That will likely cause him to have some quirks. And will also affect how he chooses a mate and is the root of at least part of his insecurity. So it's hard to be normal and healthy and have normal healthy relationships when you have that.
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Old 27th January 2018, 2:40 PM   #15
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I call it no contact but I was trying to move on and like I said in other comments I was in therapy and cancer treatment. I just felt like contacting him to reply to his attempts of communication with stupid games on WhatsApps. But yes I wasn't ready for it.
Hey, I hope your health has or is improving. I am thinking about you and praying for a quick recovery.

One of the frustrating things about advice given about NC is that it is too simplistic at times. Just donít communicate....and take the time to put yourself in a better frame of mind. I am currently trying to reconcile with my ex-wife. We were in complete NC for many months. I let go of my anger and she ultimately began the process of forgiving me. Much better place to talk about the important things...
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