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When an ex sends a friend request?

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Old 7th November 2017, 11:24 AM   #1
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When an ex sends a friend request?

It's been two years since my break up with my ex, it was a relationship of 7 1/2 years, he was the one that wanted to break up and it wasn't an easy one. But time has passed and a lot has changed, at first I wanted him back reasons I couldn't explain why I did, I found it hard getting used to the terms of not being together. He cut off all connection with me from friends, social media phone number so we haven't been In contact only once at a friend's wedding party which was last year.

In time I came to learn that it was right for us to break up and I'm changed person for the better in a new me with still of the old me there too. In a way I thank him and ive learnt a lot and met a lot of new people. Dating has been a new eye opener from bad to good to an experience but I'm glad I've done all the things I've done .

I'm now at a point where I'm happy with myself and what I'm doing in life even though I can do better im working on that. I've also meet someone new and things are going really well and ex sends me a friend request on Facebook. I shocked and surprised and not sure why he's sent it.
Took me awhile to even think to message him or ignore it. Do i want to bring up the past? But it kept bugging me so I thought I would message him on facebook saying "did you mean to send a friend request?" He replied back in minutes saying "Yeah, I just thought I hadn't spoken to you in a long time. Don't know if you wanted to speak to me."

This reply was also a shock and just confused me.
I'm thinking why now? Why at all? What's your reasons you what to talk to me after all this time?

Me thinking all this I'm wondering whether to reply back or just leave him thinking or knowing I don't want to talk.
But again it was bugging me and I had to reply with this

" Well there's reason why we haven't spoken in a long time, and a lot of time has passed and we've both moved on.So this request is an unexpected surprise to me, didn't think we could be on speaking terms as we're not friends, so how comes now, what's changed?"

I tried not to be rude but also not too nice.
He replied with" I know there are reasons and that time had passed, but I thought that time needed to pass before we spoke again properly.
I didn't want to not be able to speak to you ever again. I'd never have not been a friend but understandable that you wouldn't want to. I thought it would be nice just to see how you're doing and what not but if you'd rather not then i understand too."

So this makes me think he has a motive right? Or am I wrong is he really just trying to reconnect to be friends? Because he is genuinely a nice guy but still after we broke up he moved on very quickly with someone else and I was forgotten very quickly so I wondering why I'm in hes thoughts now?

I'm speculating different reasons but I just wanted to know anyone's opinion on what they think why an ex would want to reconnect with you and with my situation if it's any different to anyone else's if not anything similar that you've been through and would be grateful to hear what anyone's got to say. Thanks
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Old 7th November 2017, 11:35 AM   #2
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Some people mistakenly think they need to remain electronically connected to every person who ever passed through their lives. I think giving an EX that level of insight into your life now is unhealthy & kind of creepy. I'm good with the idea that somebody some where will tell me major things about any important EX like whether they died or a member of their family did. Beyond that I don't want to know. Click ignore & move on.
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Old 7th November 2017, 11:50 AM   #3
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I think a lot depends on his status now. Is he single and after a series of relationships realizes that he simply cannot find anyone like you. You two were together for 7-years and there was certainly something about you that kept him with you for so long. I don't know the full details, but it doesn't sound like one of those co-dependent relationships where you two stayed together b/c of unhealthy, emotional issues enabling one another. He saw your status(?) and you were/are still single w/o no pics of a current bf, so he thought it was a good idea to reach out.

You say he is a nice guy, but was the split amicable? Contentious? Is what he did something you can look past and have? Do you have any desire to restore any form of a relationship? If yes, then let him lead in the conversation. Let him reveal his true motives.
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Old 7th November 2017, 9:12 PM   #4
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Does he usually stay friends with his exes, which it looks like from his response? Personally, I do if I cared about them and there was no major blow-up issue around the breakup (ie we were incompatible in a relationship but work just fine as friends). In which case I may eventually try to be on good terms, because a deep friendship usually underlies my serious relationships. I take the people in my life seriously, so good terms to me does mean actually interacting from time to time if not all out being friends. If he's that way too, he may be trying to do the same.

He may also not have a motive, or his motives may not even be clear to him at this point. Something unrelated may have just happened in his life which made him miss you, or at least want to see if you could be amicable with each other. So he's reaching out and seeing how he feels.

What he wants, though, isn't important right now. What do you want?

If you are open to a friendship and want to engage with him, maybe try chatting on the phone and see what he wants. You don't have to accept his friendship request, as then it's awkward if you change your mind later. But a phone call is done when you hang up, and then if you don't want to be further connected, you're not.

If you don't want anything, then just tell him you wish him well but have moved on and would prefer not to reconnect at this time.
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Old 17th November 2017, 12:07 PM   #5
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If he's single or thinking of getting out of whatever he's in; It's a pick up avenue. I'm only friends with ex-gf's on FB that I can hook up with and they're the same way.
"Everybodys got a plan till they get hit in the mouth"- Mike Tyson
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Old 17th November 2017, 1:02 PM   #6
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Sorry OP, i have no idea either. I hadn't spoken to my Ex the dumper for all of last year. The this year, she has sent me probably a dozen breadcrumbs.

Here is the one I got last week.

"Dear (my name). How are you? I know you might hate me and I know I disappointed you. How's life going. Are you married? Do you have kids?"

Each time she bread crumbs me, she sends longer messages and sweetens them up more and more. She ended things in a really bad way. I can't even comprehend what's behind the messages but I have slowly trained myself to understand that this will never make sense.

I should also say that I never responded this whole year so she has been having this whole dialogue just with herself.

We were together on and off for almost 9 years but it was probably doomed going into the 8th year.

Last edited by marky00; 17th November 2017 at 1:05 PM..
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Old 17th November 2017, 1:12 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by SpecialJ View Post
He may also not have a motive, or his motives may not even be clear to him at this point. Something unrelated may have just happened in his life which made him miss you, or at least want to see if you could be amicable with each other. So he's reaching out and seeing how he feels.
^^ This. But its a flawed mentality from a returning dumper. It's like going to chat up a girl in a night club and asking 20 questions while hanging back as you gauge how you feel and analyse the responses. That girl would surely do a runner for being weirded out. Not surprising why a dumpee would do a runner too.

Relationships (including friendships) start from people going with the flow, not from gauging how you feel from far away.
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Old 21st November 2017, 9:13 AM   #8
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From his messages it seems that he wants to reconnect on a platonic level, but like most people, I wouldn't take them at their word and just see what their actions tell you. Since he hasn't brought up anything regarding the relationship, I do truly think he believes you can now be friends.

It is up to you if you feel that you want to have this person, who was okay with possibly losing you forever back into your life again. But that is your choice to make.
Since you are the dumpee in this situation, I would air in the side of caution. But if your new relationship is solid and you won't let this ex ruin that, then it should be okay. But if you think you will slip, I'd give more time away from the ex. Now as for the friend request, social media isn't real life, so it is only as serious as you make it. Do you want him to have insight on your life, then add him, if not delete. It is honestly that simple.

Wishing you the best dear.
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