Unfinished Business? To reach out or not?

[healthyhopes]

I'm not sure where to post this thread... All in all, I very much do want him back as a boyfriend, but I'm not sure if that's possible or not. If he does come back, I'm not sure if I'd even say yes to him.

 

Long story short-- caught feelings for a friends with benefits, he told me he didn't want a relationship with me because he felt we aren't compatible. I cut off all contact and weird breadcrumb behavior ensued. I texted him a month later, testing the waters for a direct confrontation of his behavior, and he said some harsh but very final things:

 

-he would never date me

-he has a girlfriend now

-he would never do friends with benefits with me again

-he didn't gain feelings/thought this would go nowhere from day 1

-told me to "move on" (though to anyone else it would appear that I have, considering I have hardly even thrown a glance in his direction since I cut things off? Though I had initiated some text conversations with him, so that could have been it too...)

-told that I should have just "brushed this off" like he did, because apparently if you don't let things get to you, they won't. He likes to say this a lot, and though he thinks he can do this, he can't. Ex: last gf cheated on him, he ended up drinking A LOT and looked for new relationships to rebound off of 24/7. But he calls this "brushing it off". He claims that since I ended this thing, he wasn't hurt at all and that it didn't effect him negatively or positively, and that he hasn't thought about it since it passed-- despite the fact that he was HEAVILY searching for my attention when we were in class together.

 

He is STILL doing breadcrumb-y behavior, and looks sad whenever he sees me. Some have suggested that he does have feelings for me after all. I'm not sure if he's simply missing the attention, or if it's some sort of regret.

If he does have feelings, I know he moves on from girls veeeeerrry slowly.

 

During the friends with benefits relationship, I was relatively critical of some things he did, and I regret that. I was confused about the feelings that had surfaced, and I began to feel defensive.

I was considering sending an apology text for this, simply saying that I have to say one last thing, and then making a simple apology, and leaving it at that. It would be something like "looking back, I realize I was critical about some stuff (xyz) that I really shouldn't have been critical of, and I wanna apologize. At that time I found myself super worried about things and ended up acting defensive for no reason. Later"

 

(This would be breaking NC, which I had now meant to be indefinite)

 

 

Would this be demeaning/devaluing myself? Especially since he's pretty prideful? And has a girlfriend now? If he is actually considering me for a relationship, would this push him farther away or closer? Am I being 100% delusional considering he rejected me from even a relationship right off the bat? There are some things he did that bothered me too, but he hasn't apologized for them...

 

I don't think I would want to see his reply... I just feel like that's something I have to send. I'm not sure if it'll help me move on, or push me farther back. But perhaps that's me clinging to a bit of hope still...

 

The thing is I'm right on the edge of finally moving on but I still have this faint nugget of hope that keeps me waiting. I'm not sure if sending this, and therefore absolving myself of guilt, but also possibly demeaning myself, will push me forwards or backwards in this process.

[healthyhopes]

looking back at this post I find my answer to be a "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo don't do it!"

 

But also, what if this could fix things?

(That aren't broken? Considering he rejected me right off the bat anyways?)

 

(Plus if he does come back, it would be better if he does it entirely on his own accord, right?)

 

(And this would be looking like a doormat and running over my own pride as well, right? To be honest I don't really want to do it and think it's not a good idea... Am I right?)

[Digger123]

First of all, a written letter of you apologizing for your behavior is best if you feel that you need to apologize. That leaves out the worry of him returning a text. As far as the relationship goes only time will tell, and at least, you will know that you apologized and made right your mistakes that you feel you made. All we can do in life is try not to make the same mistakes over. I highly suggest not texting. There is backfire that can happen and you could feel worse opening that door.

[healthyhopes]

First of all, a written letter of you apologizing for your behavior is best if you feel that you need to apologize. That leaves out the worry of him returning a text. As far as the relationship goes only time will tell, and at least, you will know that you apologized and made right your mistakes that you feel you made. All we can do in life is try not to make the same mistakes over. I highly suggest not texting. There is backfire that can happen and you could feel worse opening that door.

 

But wouldn't it demean me? Looking back at what I've written, I think it makes it clear that he has no interest towards me at all. This came to me today and I think it might just be me obsessing with hope (that I need to kill)

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, leave it alone. The best apology is to leave him be. If you have to, type it out but do not send it. Sometimes just getting a letter on a piece of paper (or a Word doc) gives you the release necessary without actually making the dopey, overly dramatic action of pushing it on them.

[Arieswoman]

Just leave it and move on.

 

 

Next time aim for better than FWB.

 

Good Luck

[lexylove]

tell that little bitch "PEACE OUT!!" Don't waste another minute on that SOB who used you to get over God knows who. You were a rebound or **ck buddy. He disrespected you and you want to apologize to him?!! Where's your self-esteem girl? NOOOO and HELL NOOOO!! I'm sorry you developed feelings for him, that can easily happen bc we are emotional creatures, but he's a selfish pig. Say buh bye and walk away with your dignity and chin held high. He doesn't need any apology.

[healthyhopes]

So as of late, my ex person thing recently broke up with his gf (what it sounded like to me... Though of course, it is probably more likely that she broke up with him) and has been what appears to be testing the waters with small instances of contact with me. He was with her short term, and when he saw me during this time he had a sad look on his face. Though I do suppose this should be taken with a grain of salt.

 

 

Some of my friends say that I shouldn't reach out at all, and some say I shouldn't even respond to stuff he sends out when he does send it out, and of course I have been very cold and aloof. However, I do have a large amount of unfinished business with him, and I do feel as if-- if he does have something to say-- I would want to hear it. I do not think we have been very truthful to each other. One of my friends thinks he might have buried feelings, considering many small things, so I'm thinking that if, in the 1% chance he does "come back", though it would be very wrong to take him back... I might. Unfinished business, remember? And besides, I'm still young and it could mean as little as I would want it to mean. Or so I tell myself.

 

But I suppose that I am getting ahead of myself, and I shouldn't be thinking about that at all.

 

I am thinking of sending out a very small snapchat, meaning nothing, symbolizing nothing except perhaps a positive indicator of reciprocation (Blah blah blah), expecting no response. I feel as if I have moved on enough to be able to handle no response, as that is a response in itself, and lately the uncertainty is bothering me.

 

Keep in mind, however, he is the one who rejected me, and many would argue that he would have to be the one who reaches out the most and tries the hardest.

 

Though I feel this is a good idea, many would disagree. I'm not sure what I would tell someone in my situation. Any thoughts?

[Simon Phoenix]

https://media.giphy.com/media/iJxHzcuNcCJXi/giphy.gif

[TaraMaiden2]

....Though I feel this is a good idea, many would disagree. I'm not sure what I would tell someone in my situation. Any thoughts?

 

Oh, I think you know exactly what you'd tell someone in your situation, by virtue of the fact you even posted.

 

So read your post, again, as if it had been written by a total starnger.

 

And tell them precisely what you know you SHOULD tell them.

 

Or just watch Simon Phoenix's contribution.

About a million times....

 

 

You might have 'hopes'.

 

But they sure as heck ain't 'healthy'.....

[kidm]

You keep posting similar threads of this imaginary reconciliation that may or may not happen. It doesn't look like you have moved on one bit. You're wasting your time imo. That "unfinished business" is all in your head. He is finished, he even had another gf. That has ended and he still hasn't reached out to say he wants you back, just dropping breadcrumbs. What more did you need to know? sheesh girl. Stop torturing yourself.

Edited March 1, 2016 by kidm

[healthyhopes]

Oh, I think you know exactly what you'd tell someone in your situation, by virtue of the fact you even posted.

 

So read your post, again, as if it had been written by a total starnger.

 

And tell them precisely what you know you SHOULD tell them.

 

Or just watch Simon Phoenix's contribution.

About a million times....

 

 

You might have 'hopes'.

 

But they sure as heck ain't 'healthy'.....

 

haha you're right, I know precisely what I would say or do: Nothing; because even if he did want me in some sense (and I honestly do believe he had some feelings for me... It would be inhuman not to, given how close we were), he has a lousy way of showing it, should be the one reaching out (NOT with breadcrumbs), and made it very clear he doesn't wanna be with me a couple months ago. Truth is, he hasn't been very good to me, and maybe it's some internal need for validation that keeps me pushing for more. What would be best is I leave it for dead.

 

 

Not sure if you were being playful or sardonic with your last remark, but:

 

That's why I made this username, and also why I keep posting here. I'm kinda hoping for healthy hopes, if that makes more sense... Sometimes it helps to have people keep you in check from making a terrible error. Maybe saying such things as I have been saying makes me sound weak, but hey, I'm human, and it's best that I admit my weakness to strangers online on a forum that's supposed to be for helpful ears than to douche-y exes.

[healthyhopes]

You keep posting similar threads of this imaginary reconciliation that may or may not happen. It doesn't look like you have moved on one bit. You're wasting your time imo. That "unfinished business" is all in your head. He is finished, he even had another gf. That has ended and he still hasn't reached out to say he wants you back, just dropping breadcrumbs. What more did you need to know? sheesh girl. Stop torturing yourself.

 

Ha, as harsh as all these comments are they help me a lot.

No, I have definitely moved on quite a bit; just his sudden re-appearance onto the scene made me realize, I suppose, that I hadn't moved on as much as I thought I had.

 

Ha, today my friend told me that she saw him and his girlfriend (ex? Who knows. Seems like they were dating, she said) at a store. Which I suppose adds another bit of strange-ness to the mix, considering a couple days ago he was speaking very loudly about how any other girl would be better than [insert name here] when he and another friend were around me. She wasn't present. Other stuff that was passed between him/his friend earlier made me think that they had broken up too. The weird and sad eyes that he throws to me and the tentative reaching out doesn't help either.

 

He's being weird and it's not fair to me or his girlfriend (?), and I'm not going to stick around for his weirdness any longer.

[Simon Phoenix]

haha you're right, I know precisely what I would say or do: Nothing; because even if he did want me in some sense (and I honestly do believe he had some feelings for me... It would be inhuman not to, given how close we were), he has a lousy way of showing it, should be the one reaching out (NOT with breadcrumbs), and made it very clear he doesn't wanna be with me a couple months ago. Truth is, he hasn't been very good to me, and maybe it's some internal need for validation that keeps me pushing for more. What would be best is I leave it for dead.

 

 

Not sure if you were being playful or sardonic with your last remark, but:

 

That's why I made this username, and also why I keep posting here. I'm kinda hoping for healthy hopes, if that makes more sense... Sometimes it helps to have people keep you in check from making a terrible error. Maybe saying such things as I have been saying makes me sound weak, but hey, I'm human, and it's best that I admit my weakness to strangers online on a forum that's supposed to be for helpful ears than to douche-y exes.

 

Yeah, I gotta agree with Tara. There isn't anything "healthy" about these hopes and this incessant desire to seek his approval. And I think you are projecting a lot of your feelings on to him, feeling that probably aren't very accurate. And you need to stop getting reports on him and checking up on him, even if from a distance. Completely counterproductive.

[Mr. Disposable]

looking back at this post I find my answer to be a "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo don't do it!"

 

This poster seems to have it right

 

Listen to yourself. Holy sh*t. This guy is a huge douchebag. He's too soft to get over you without you in his life. So he keeps you hanging around (a classic dumper move) and then has the nerve to date a chick who looks like you, but isn't you.

 

F*ck worrying about looking like a doormat or any of that other bullsh*t. This guy is clearly settling for a cheap imitation of you. Whether or not they split, ain't your concern.

 

Concern yourself with this: he was incredibly cold toward you. If you go back to soothing his ego, you are going to come out of this so royally f*cked, that we'll all be talking to you in a couple of months giving you advice on how to stop being sad.

 

Save yourself the heartache. A bit of wisdom for you: if you're complaining about someone within the first few months, weeks, days, etc. of dating them, that sh*t ain't gonna work. You might be able to squeeze a miserable year out of them at most, but it ends just the same. Don't force it.

 

Please, save your time for someone who deserves it and treats you like you're worth more than a cheap f*ck and an ego boost. FWB is bullsh*t and it's clearly not what you want.