88888888 Posted February 12, 2005 Share Posted February 12, 2005 I am in a 1.6 year relationship with a woman I totally connected with. Our relationship has grown immensely from the first day. I say I love her everyday because I appreciate her in my life. I do not have any hesitation to marry her. That was before this one issue that just came about that is hurtful to me. She was in a relationship of 4 years prior to me. During that time, they broke up approx 6 times with the last time where she said ,"Enough." We just surprisingly met a few months later. Anyways after all these months her ex has called her a few times (this is what he always did to get her back) during the last two months to catch up. She told me recently that he has called her to touch base. I am ok with this. But when I've asked her did she ever mentioned that she has a current live in BF (me) to him and she said, "No." I was furious. I am not sure why because all she said was he was just trying to be "friends." and to trust our relationship. The ex asked,"How she was doing?" and she refrained from including me in providing an update to him about her life this past 1.6 year. I am really confused about this. How should I react? Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
backatone Posted February 12, 2005 Share Posted February 12, 2005 Ok check this out. I have been in your same position and I have been the other guy. If your girlfriend told the ex that she is not with anyone or failed to mention you.........BAD BAD News. What she is basically doing is acting like she is still on the market. The ex now hangs the phone up with her and is thinking, "wow, she is available still.....im gonna go for it." Now if she would have mentioned you..........that is a whole other story. I would be careful of her intentions. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 12, 2005 Share Posted February 12, 2005 Yup. Your instincts are correct. She's sensing his interest and wants to encourage it. Telling him about you would obviously slow him down. Seems like you aren't even on her list of important things in her life. That doesn't feel good... Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted February 12, 2005 Share Posted February 12, 2005 888888, I sympathize as I was in your shoes. My ex could never tell the prior loser to get away and that she was with someone new. i always questionned her as to why but never got a clear answer. I was too hesitant to be firm on the topic and felt I needed to show her my trust. Fortunately I can give advice now based on my mishap. I thought my ex and I were in love and she gave me every indication she was. At the near end I could tell that during happy moments she would suddenly get a sad face and when asked what was wrong would simply pretend that I noticed something that wasn't there. Simultaneously she started to find fault with every little silly thing I did till finally she sat me down and let me know how great I was yet she determined that the past still haunted her and she could not give me her all. Worse off I must say that my ex's ex stalked she and I throughout our whole relationship to the extent he glued my door locks shut as well as poured paint thinner all over my car. You think that would turn her off....Nope, apparently not! Don't do what I did which was try to be the understanding guy and solid citizen......be vocal and let her know how it affects you today and that your wanted so much to build something here and are willing to give 100%. See if she says she is as well and if so she needs to understand that she has to eliminate people who won't help her get to that point. If she can't, move on now before your heart gets anymore attached and I know it is already as mine was too. Better to know now than later when feelings and responsibilities are more involved. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 88888888 Posted February 15, 2005 Author Share Posted February 15, 2005 I must say that at least my GF is honest about it and not trying to hide it. But the situation is too weird for me. I had a conversation with her again this past Friday but she told me that she never told him about our relationship because he never asked nor try to ask her out. If he did, then she would inform him that she is in a committed relationship. She said she is doing this out of respect for him and not rubbing there break up in his face. I said ,"What?" Are you choosing his feelings over mines? And are you saying that is ok to be chatting with your ex all the time if he doesn't ask you about your current love life? Makes no sense to me. She said she just doesn't want to hurt the guy if he is just being cordial with her. I am not liking this one bit. I think my GF is trying to keep her options opened. I cannot be nice about this because nice guys finish last. Need advice Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 A year and six months is quite an investment and I believe you are at a critical juncture in terms of where you are headed. Why she feels the need to be cordial to this guy is hogwash, you are right in that deep down she needs/desires to keep that cord alive. NIP IT or NIP her. You need to be firm and strong and let her know your feelings for her and that your wishes are for her to cut contact. She should be willing to do anything to keep you and if not you better make some decisions as this could go one for a long time and only hurt you more. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 Originally posted by 88888888 She said she is doing this out of respect for him and not rubbing there break up in his face. I found this site a few years ago seeking out relationship forums specifically as I was having some problems with my (now ex) gf at that time. She used that exact same line about her ex. She used that type of reasoning a lot. She was also the first girl to cheat on me (that I know of). The fact that she's more concerned about being respectful to him than she is about being respectful to you is definitely a bad sign (as many others have said in this thread). Maybe you should ask her how she would feel if one of your exes contacted you and you never mentioned her. Link to post Share on other sites
Drewpy Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 I had the same situation. Her ex loser would call on New Years, send her B'day cards etc. I asked if she told him about us, she responds he knows, since her sister was still friends with him. Either way I said either cut it or I'm gone. She cut the crud as far as I know, but then I was a jerk to her and then she split with me. She said "she doesn't like conflict" when it came down to spelling it out to the ex. I always said to her she must have low self esteem, since he was like her puppy dog that she strung around out there as maybe a last resort. Either way if she is more caring of his feelings than yours then it seems that maybe she is just liking the attention and power she still has for him. She needs to mature and grow up. Focus on what she has now, not what she had. Link to post Share on other sites
jimtash Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 Yeah my ex's ex called her too and right now she's with him 550 miles away in Mississippi. I also tried to be understanding and showed her that I trusted her but where did it get me. My advice to you is to be straightfoward and tell her to stop having any contact with him. If she refuses, then give her the boot and don't regret it one bit. I can almost guarantee that she'll leave you if you play nice about it. Don't be a broken-hearted fool like me. Oh and as for my ex, the last I heard her and her boyfriend had the cops called on them by a neighbor for fighting. You deserve it baby. Now who's the fool? Link to post Share on other sites
YongukShinsa Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 My ex used to call her ex boyfriends whenever she was unhappy with me or drunk. Now I am the ex, she calls me!!!! Even in front of her new boyfriend. For me it is worrying, but when her boyfriend called me and asked me why she always wanted to call me he told me he was not so possessive to stop her and it didn't bother him when she called her exes.... UNDERSTANDING GUY EH?? Can't understand her personally, but we did get back together after our first breakup - I guess because I was always available when she called. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 Yup, listen to tanbark. She owes you the respect, not him. If she does things that make you unhappy, your r/s cannot feel very good or last long... Link to post Share on other sites
simonsez Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 Give her the silent dump. Don't act mad or hurt by her calling her ex. Give her a tase of her own medicine. Start talking to other women on the phone, and then dump her. You are destined to fail because she is leading you around by the nose. She IS interested in her ex or she would tell him to leave her alone. Most men like you don't want to admit the truth. The truth is that she is using you because you let her. Women LIKE strong, confident men and women dump nice guys and wimps. Don't be a fool. Link to post Share on other sites
ddinwdc Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 This is unacceptable behavior in a relationship as committed as yours. I was in a relationship where the ex kept showing up for nearly two years before finally disappearing. It caused nothing but trouble. Why does she want to maintain contact with him? She left him, correct? So what's her motivation. When two people's relationship was based soley on romantic feelings, how can they possibly have any other dynamic in which to relate to one another? But your foot down now before things get out of hand. Link to post Share on other sites
vhshowdown Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 Man, I am going thru the same thing here. My EX gf called her bf when we first started going out. He would call and call, but wouldnt answer. I told her it ok to talk to him. She did, and he laid into her bigtime. We turned the phone off when we went to bed, got up next morning, turned the phone on, and it rang a few minutes later. Unbelieveable!! So, I told her quit talking to him, not because he was the EX bf, but because he kept putting her down, and I would have to pick her up. Also, I started having a problem with a gf who would allow someone to do that to her. Well, she has low self esteem she tells me..... Well we ended our relationship hurting each other. We both start going out with other people, but try to see each as well. That didnt work. So, she eventually told me to NEVER call her again, so I dont. She calls me a month later. She called more and more, trying to get back together, but I had my suspicions. Turned out she wasnt happy with her new bf, and wanted me back. Well, she forget to tell me he was still in the picture. So we go about 4 months without talking, out of the blue, she calls. I agree to meet her, and we hang out and everything was pretty cool. But, she tells me from the start she doesnt want a relationship with me. So, now she has a new bf, but continues to call me. Well, stupid me has feelings for her again...... My point is here, people never change, just the scenery does for them. So be weary of gfs who talk to their EXs, they will be gone with the wind if you dont put your foot down.... but maybe that is not such a bad thing?!?!?!?!?! Link to post Share on other sites
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