Giving Friendship & Love Second Chance

[brittneyfoster]

My male best friend and I have always been amazing friends. Somewhere down the line he fell in love with me, but I never reciprocated those feelings. He has been in a "comfortable miserable relationship" for quite a while as they have a child together, so when I moved he got back with his "baby's mom". When we used to hang out, he was always completely respectful of their relationship...I knew he wasn't a cheater...flirtatious but definitely not a cheater. He really wanted to be in a relationship and I felt he was pushing it a little too hard, and I got really turned off. I moved away, and we wound up becoming friends again. It was like nothing ever happened, and our friendship was normal again. We would call and talk and laugh. It was fun again. I missed my best friend.

 

Fast forward to March, I came to see my parents, so while I was there, he and I went out. Somehow during the night, he just randomly kissed me. The kiss really shook me up, and I realized that I loved him and was in love with him. I had been dating all these engineers, lawyers, athletes, and other white collar workers in the big city but all the while in my heart, I knew that no one made me laugh or made me happy like him...so when he kissed me...it forced me to come to grips with those feelings that I was okay with ignoring before.

 

In this time, I just scanned his "ex-girlfriends" page...and saw a bunch of maternity pictures. I knew when I left after I rejected him that he got back with her, but he had told me he was also dating other people. I had no idea she was pregnant, and she was huge...meaning she had been pregnant for a while and he had not told me. I just immediately cut him off...I didnt care for an explanation from him. A mutual friend of ours acted a mediator and got us to the point where I unblocked him and listened. He still NEGLECTED to tell me that he lived with her. Anyway...we moved past it...my still not knowing he was living with her.

 

We then began discussing relationships in the future, and I saw him in May...again we had an almost perfect weekend(small hiccups as we transitioned from best friend to lovers...different needs and expectations). He said he wanted to be official, and it's also what I wanted.

 

There were a few weird things like he never was available like at a moments notice or after a certain time...he was always ghost. My heart told me that he still had not told me the truth about everything. Again, I went to her page and while I didn't see anything...I made up my own lie and confronted him and he wouldn't fold...so I requested her. Immediately...the photos of them came through. I cursed him out and was so disappointed...after all..this was the person that I had shared secrets with, partied with, spent the night at his house and watched movies all night and just laughed all night for nearly three years. I genuinely loved him as a friend and couldn't believe he lied to me. I cut him off again and said it was done. He also knew that it was over this time as well. He told our friends that he was getting things in order to leave her b/c he had never been happy with her(and we all knew that for years), but he knew he couldn't tell me everything b/c I would never give him a chance. If he had told me the truth, I probably would have though.

 

My feelings and my heart never changed but several months went by and I reached out to him just to say hi and hope he was doing well and that I wanted to see pictures of the new baby. He seemed so excited that we were talking again, and he apologized for his behavior and that his fear of losing me and telling me the truth was the worst decision he could make because it cost him the friendship and potential for relationship.We decided to be friends and let him work out his situation and if anything changed...then we would pursue it again. Well, now December is approaching and he has decided that he can't continue to miserable with her and he wants to leave. He has been telling me that he is dealing with his situation until he is in a better position to leave. I neither encourage or discourage him in either capacity but simply tell him that he needs to be honest for once...with himself, me, and her. I am happy and dating other people but who I ultimately want to be with is him.

 

The short time we were a "couple"...it was amazing. I mean it was a total dream for us...when we spent time together, it was amazing. It was everything that I dreamed and wanted from him or any relationship. To be in love with my best friend, and it was the exact same for him as well.

 

My question is: He has caused some damage in the past, but I knew him as a friend long before the romance...so I think sometimes I look past the wrong b/c I don't agree but understand his flawed logic. Should I be ok with giving our relationship a go in December? Everyone keeps telling me no but in all of my dating...I have not met a single person who is EVERYTHING that I need in a person/friend...and that's him.

[jen1447]

I'd say no. The relationship in all these ups and downs and ins and outs sounds very dysfunctional ultimately, so I think a clean slate would be best for both of you. (btw, if he's disappointed you multiple times in the past, it's virtually guaranteed he'll do the same in the future.)

[qubist]

There are reasons why everybody is telling you NO. Obvious reasons to everyone but you because you are blinded by your desire to be with him. You should stay away from him now more than before, until he decides on his relationship without any influence from you. If you really care about him leave him alone for now.

Many men are commitment fobe, they just internally collapse when things become serious, you were probably a refuge from the day to day hustle life in commitment relationship specially with a new baby. you would never know if he really wants you or he is just using you as an escape. If he really wants you he will do it the right way. Do him and yourself a favor, go no contact with him and let him figure things out with his family first with out your influence.