Should I apply No-Contact and how? (Updated)

[Maestro13]

The Question I'm asking myself here is if I should apply No-Contact and if not, how I should approach this.

 

Short: Me and my girlfriend, both 20. She was madly in love with me. I dumped her after 2,5yrs for stupid reasons when I look back at it, she got with someone else. I couldn't stand it and I tried to get her back. Eventually she broke up with him to get back with me. It was a bad timing because I had a lot of troubles at school and some family issues + a lot happend between us in the meantime, so I didn't give her much attention once I "got her back" and had to think about things and I blew it: When I finally had everything figured out and decided to work on our relationship again (took few weeks), she didn't want it anymore and got together with someone else (second rebound) a couple weeks later. I still deeply love her but she won't talk to me because she is very hurt, and I understand that, but I never meant to...

She tells me she's very happy in her new relationship (almost 3 months now) and tells me that she can't see me / talk to me because she would hurt her new boyfriend.

 

There were a few things that I wanted to tell her, misunderstandings. But as she wouldn't talk to me, I wrote her a letter in which I explained everything: Apologies and an explanation for how I treated her the weeks after she broke up with her first rebound for me, telling her that I still love her and care about her and accepting that she has a new relationship now and that I will leave her alone from now on.

I guess that she will find the letter tonight or maybe tomorrow, she wasn't home when I delivered it.

 

I will now stop desperately chasing her and start NC because she's now happy with someone else and I can't come between her and her boyfriend again... All I can do is wait and maybe hope she'll realise and come back to me.

As we didn't really "break up" I don't know if this is a good time to start NC? And if I do it, how should I do it the right way? Like really ignore her texts or calls for at least 30days? I know her and she'll still try to get in touch with me. She doesn't like to be alone since she has a lot of problems with her parents and she hasn't got many people to talk to. So I think it's very realistic that in the next 30 days she'll contact me because she needs someone to talk to, when her boyfriend doesn't have time. In the letter I promised her that i'd be there for her if she needed someone, so I can't really ignore it, can I? Wouldn't I blow my chances and her trust again, since I promised her I'd always be there for her?

 

And second question, what do I do now? I posted the letter, she'll probably read it soon and maybe contact me about it. Do I start NC immediately?

 

Basically: I think NC is the right thing to do now but I don't really now how.

[JohnMcClaine]

There were a few things that I wanted to tell her, misunderstandings. But as she wouldn't talk to me, I wrote her a letter in which I explained everything: Apologies and an explanation for how I treated her the weeks after she broke up with her first rebound for me, telling her that I still love her and care about her and accepting that she has a new relationship now and that I will leave her alone from now on.

I guess that she will find the letter tonight or maybe tomorrow, she wasn't home when I delivered it.

 

I cannot believe that you delivered this letter to her. This is going to cause you so much more harm than good. It's going to drive her even further away. I thought that we explained this to you in the other thread??

 

As we didn't really "break up" I don't know if this is a good time to start NC?

 

She's with someone else. You are broken up, no doubt about it.

 

And if I do it, how should I do it the right way? Like really ignore her texts or calls for at least 30days? I know her and she'll still try to get in touch with me. She doesn't like to be alone since she has a lot of problems with her parents and she hasn't got many people to talk to. So I think it's very realistic that in the next 30 days she'll contact me because she needs someone to talk to, when her boyfriend doesn't have time. In the letter I promised her that i'd be there for her if she needed someone, so I can't really ignore it, can I? Wouldn't I blow my chances and her trust again, since I promised her I'd always be there for her?

 

You shouldn't have given her the letter in the first place. But yes, you need to do no contact and strictly no contact. Do not respond to her under any circumstance other than her begging for you back. And make no mistake, you should not be doing no contact for this reason. You should be doing no contact for yourself so that you can move on. If she so happens to come along begging you back, then so be it. But you cannot dwell on this thinking that it's actually going to happen.

 

Basically: I think NC is the right thing to do now but I don't really now how.

 

You simply don't talk to her.

[Maestro13]

I cannot believe that you delivered this letter to her. This is going to cause you so much more harm than good. It's going to drive her even further away. I thought that we explained this to you in the other thread??

 

 

 

She's with someone else. You are broken up, no doubt about it.

 

 

 

You shouldn't have given her the letter in the first place. But yes, you need to do no contact and strictly no contact. Do not respond to her under any circumstance other than her begging for you back. And make no mistake, you should not be doing no contact for this reason. You should be doing no contact for yourself so that you can move on. If she so happens to come along begging you back, then so be it. But you cannot dwell on this thinking that it's actually going to happen.

 

 

 

You simply don't talk to her.

 

Okay, thank you. I guess I shouldn't have sent the letter but I just couldn't help it... I'm sure she read it by now but I haven't heard of her so I guess you're right. I'll apply 100% NC from now on.

[SteveDC]

Okay, thank you. I guess I shouldn't have sent the letter but I just couldn't help it... I'm sure she read it by now but I haven't heard of her so I guess you're right. I'll apply 100% NC from now on.

 

I'm actually torn on the giving of the letter. I think John has made some very critical and accurate points for you. Regardless of whether you gave her the letter or not, John hit the nail on the head when he said "You should be doing no contact for yourself so that you can move on." Don't ever forget that piece of advice. John is 100% dead on, in that the main focus of NC is for YOU, and NOT the primary focus and tool of hoping to win her back. The secondary effect NC might have, is having the person on the other end come back for you, BUT, you can't do no contact thinking it's going to get her back. Trust me from experience; it will drive you insane as you wait, hope, pray that she'll come back to you. NC is a practice to simply help you move on with your life, not to win someone back. It just so happens that when Ex-SO's don't get the attention you once gave them, they tend to miss that attention and start reaching back out to you.

 

That being said, the reason why I'm torn on you giving the letter or not, is because I think anyone in your position needs closure. If your primary goal in giving her the letter was to somehow win her back by explaining how you felt (even though she's clearly avoiding you/the current situation), then the letter was a huge mistake. However, if your goal in giving the letter to her was to give yourself some closure, even if she never comes back...then it was the right thing to do as that very closure will help you eventually move on. Otherwise, without that closure, you would have a much more difficult time trying to get over all of this.

Edited November 18, 2014 by SteveDC

[Maestro13]

I already have posted my story a few weeks ago, but in short: I broke up with her after 2,5yrs and at a certain point I wanted her back, turns out she had another boyfriend and didn't want to leave him for me. So that's basically when I started NC. I removed everything that reminded me of her, I deleted her on Facebook, Twitter, and I asked my friends and family not to bring her up in conversations.

I'm almost 4 weeks in the NC now and during those 4 weeks I didn't hear anything from her. Now, this morning she texted me asking me why I deleted her as a friend on Facebook (I already did this 4 weeks ago).

 

As I'm almost 1 month in NC now I'm not sure what to do, reply to her with an honest answer or just ignore the message. I still kinda would like to have her back, but I also feel like I could cope with the fact that maybe we will never be together again.

 

Should I just continue ignoring her? Or reply to the message?

[smokey bear]

Ignore it, I replied to a breadcrumb 2 weeks ago and it set me back to square one. Stick to nc

[Yasuandio]

Read your old threads. Then, ignore, ignore, ignore. She is dropping breadcrumbs. Block her texts so she cannot yank your chain.

 

Go into internet, search a U-Tube for your phone, and locate a method to block incoming messages. Some of the newer modern phones have this feature.

 

Do not engage in discussion with her, or you are back to Day 1. Simple as that. Remember, new boyfriend is more important than you.

 

Let your FB activity be a mystery. See, she's curious. NOT GOOD ENOUGH. The only reason to consider breaking NC is if dumper states:

 

"I made mistake. I was wrong. I want you back. I love you. Please, give me another chance."

 

Even then, you must tread lightly. Never jump at it. She is no where near that phase. She is just curious, wants an ego boost, to gind out if you are still in pain. DO NOT GIVE IT TO HER. Yas

[Zahara]

Few days later, I saw on Facebook that she had a relationship with someone else. This was like 3 months after she broke up with the first dude and got back with me. I know this is a rebound relationship, she's the kind of girl that has quite a lot of problems and almost no1 to talk to about them. She really needs someone. ..

 

As you said, she is dependent on others to fulfill her. She probably needs you as her crutch. Don't be that guy. She has decided to be with her boyfriend and she should be focusing on him. Just ignore the message and keep moving forward with your NC.

 

And why isn't she blocked on your phone?