Left me for someone else, maybe GIGS

[karantos]

Hello everyone. I am 25 years old and my ex girlfriend is 21. We were in LTR for 4 years and everything was great until this summer.

 

When my ex and I first met I didn't want her. She was madly in love with me, but I was in love with someone else that wasn't in love with me. Well she met someone else and jumped into relationship with him and told me that she doesn't want me to contact her anymore. I didn't and I didn't care much about it. But after a month I realised I have some feelings for her. She was in relationship with the other guy for about 3 months but they had problems and she left him and we hooked up two weeks later and after a month we were officially together, and everything went great. We were each others first serious LTR.

 

Fast forward 4 years, this summer she started getting cold feet, she says she doesn't imagine moving together with me yet, or having kids. I brushed it of, I would very much like to have moved in with her but I agreed with her in regards to children, though we talked about taht before and we both wanted two kids.

 

In august she went to a trip to Scandinavia with her sister and there she met a guy. When she came back she started talking with him a lot. I naturally became jeallous and confronted her about him, but she became angry and said they are only friends. Well they texted each other for some time and in october my ex moved to a city about an hour away to go to university. This guy lives there and they started meeting up, as friends she said and I believed her and trusted her like I have always done before. One day she went to his place to a party and she told me she would sleep there, I said ok again and trusted her and everything was fine. I knew she started spending a lot of time with him and I became clingy and needy and did everything for her and texted her a lot because I wanted for her to talk with me like she did with him.

 

16. october was supposed to come home and she texted me in the morning that we need to talk. I waited for her and we had our talk in the evening, she said she doesn't feel like this is it anymore and that everything has become a rut. I partly agreed with her, because I thought we have really fallen in a rut. She cried, we agreed to make it better and I slept at her place but it wasn't the same anymore, she was cold and distant. Later I found out that she kissed the other guy a day before. Next day we talked some more and she said she couldn't make it work, she just doesn't feel like it and next day she said she would like a break for two months and seeing that nothing can be done I agreed to it.

 

Next week she had her birthday and I texted her, nothing special just wishing her good luckand happy birthday, she responded with thank you and told me about her day but I didn't respond. Now please don't judge but next day I checked her fb, beacause I got a feeling there's something going on with the other guy. And I was right, she wrote to him that she can't wait to fall asleep in his arms next day and kiss him and that comfirmed everything for me. Stark reality hitting me in the face.

 

I texted her next day that I'd like to speak to her about us. I told her I don't see any sense in the break. I asked her if she has something to tell to me. She said no, so I told her I know about her and this guy. She didn't deny it. I told her I'm dissappointed in the way she's been acting, like I don't know her anymore. She said that no one knows, not even her sister and her family and I asked her if she's planning to tell them and she said no. I was on good terms with her family and I was shocked that she would lie to them, because she always told everything to them.

 

Before she left I thanked her for everything we had, for good memories and wished her good luck, she was crying, then I hugged her and said goodbye. this week I returned her stuff and picked up mine when she wasn't at home, I talked to her mother and she said that she doesn't want to talk about our break up. She also denied to be with someone else when her mother asked her. I said to I can't talk about why we broke up and that my ex will sooner or later tell them the real reasons for the break up.

 

Now I'm in no contact mode for a week. I'm missing her like crazy and secretly hoping she comes back but I know it's a slim chance of happening. It hurts to think that she's happy and already forgotten about me because of the other guy. But I'm sticking to now contact. I started going to karate, I'm running like I did before and I'm trying to improve my career. I also went out partying twice this week, had some fun but it didn't feel right. In short I'm trying to improve myself.

 

That's the story. I'd like to think I behaved myself in a mature way during our break up. I'd appreciate any feedback from those who found themselves in familiar situations.

 

And sorry if there are any mistakes, I'm not an native english speaker.

 

edit: Could moderator move the thread to break ups. I accidentally posted it in second chances.

Edited November 2, 2014 by karantos
moving the thread

[Itspointless]

Next week she had her birthday and I texted her, nothing special just wishing her good luckand happy birthday, she responded with thank you and told me about her day but I didn't respond. Now please don't judge but next day I checked her fb, beacause I got a feeling there's something going on with the other guy. And I was right, she wrote to him that she can't wait to fall asleep in his arms next day and kiss him and that comfirmed everything for me. Stark reality hitting me in the face.

She did not even try to hide it with the settings Facebook offers, but still she wants to hide it from her parents Which led you to lying for her to her mother in the hope you can rekindle, not good. Do not be surprised if he will be introduced at a certain moment to her family with a false story long after they actually met. It is better to try to move on, really. I am really sorry this has happened to you. She really has some growing up to do.

 

Do not party too much, as with partying usually also a lot of drinking is involved

[karantos]

You misunderstood me, I actually checked her fb because we know eachothers passwords and I told her how I found out and that I'm sorry I did that. It was for the first time in my life that I did something so unethical, but if I hadn't I would have waited for two months and then she would tell me. She has her father on fb so she won't post anything about her new guy there. She just flipped 180 when she started texting and seeing this guy, I would have never suspected her possible of such lies and I think deep down she's totally confused. She totally betrayed my trust which she had 100%. I didn't lie to her mother I just felt that my ex has to tell her family about it herself, not me. Her mother cried and I told her that I'll stay in touch in the future, I'll just take some time for myself for a while.

 

I've decided to move on when I decided to tell her I won't wait for her to fool around. But these thoughts of our future together still spring to mind, I'm kind of just accepting what has happened. I just can't believe that it is possible for her to form a healthy relationship with anyone so fast.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Were you and your ex having a relationship IRL or was it all online/ text / phone?

[karantos]

In real life.

 

We were really close, went to vacation together, trips together, stayed at each others place every night except when we were to uni. We never really argued or had any serious problems. We were doing great until this summer.

[Itspointless]

I actually checked her fb because we know eachothers passwords and I told her how I found out and that I'm sorry I did that. It was for the first time in my life that I did something so unethical

Once upon a time before the Facebook-era I have done the same as you in "a break", and just as you I found out the real story. I never regretted looking as it gave me all the answers why she had turned cold as ice on me. Before the break she said to me that she did not understand why she felt like she felt. Apparently the break she wanted only was to party with another guy. That only was a few days after she spoke about friendship-rings to me. Is it still unethical if it is in the end better for your health? (It actually depends to which ethical tradition you turn to).

I didn't lie to her mother I just felt that my ex has to tell her family about it herself, not me. Her mother cried and I told her that I'll stay in touch in the future, I'll just take some time for myself for a while.

I admire your good intentions, I just am sorry for you that you were robbed of the opportunity to really say what was on your mind. You did not lie but could not tell the truth either. I don't think she will tell them the truth, she probably will tell them that you did something or that something was off with you. Sorry for the negativity, but I at least that wont come as a surprise then.

[karantos]

I did what I did, I followed my instincts and got to the thruth. I found out that they moved on quite fast in a week. And now it doesn't matter, she was the first one to destroy the trust between us. I know I'll forgive her once, but she completelly lost my trust.

 

I did what I thought and still think it was the right thing to do and I would have done it again, it just isn't on me to tell the thruth to her family. Few weeks ago I'd say that she would tell them the thruth and I still think that sooner or later she'll break down, at least when the infatuation with new guy is gone. But I can't be sure anymore because she has changed. I can't do anything about it now anyways, I'm in NC, even with her family for a while. If she decides to build her new relationship on a lie, so be it.

 

It's kind of liberating to talk about this with complete strangers.

[Itspointless]

It is good that you did what felt right for you. My point wasn't about your decision, more about the room she had left you.

 

Just post here when your chest is heavy

[karantos]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/306087-gigs-rebound-left-someone-else-answers-your-questions-here

 

I don't know but everything in my case looks the same as in this one. Though I don't what my ex is thinking right now it seems like a copy paste of my story. Except te fact that I'm not chasing after her.

[Marco Valerio]

Yeap, looks like GIGS, she needs growing up, also stop being selfish with her decisions. You should forget about her and go fully NC.

 

=)

[karantos]

Yes I'm in NC for a week now and I never really had an urge to contact her, though I caught myself checking the phone for her text a few times. I guess I'm just used to talking to her a lot.