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What's next moves

Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 29th September 2014, 10:38 AM   #1
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 22
What's next moves

Overview - Married for 10 years after about 5 years of financial struggle and issues of a blended family my ex-wife put the blame on me and didn't want to work on anything and told me 1 year ago she wanted a divorce. I moved out six months ago. I know my issues and they are real - I really do need to make more money and grow my business (and not bury my head in the sand). She has issues too (spending too much, drinking too much...these are of course, just symptoms of bigger issues - but I don't want to write a novel here). I would describe her as very intelligent but not very conscience (at least right now). Early on when I asked her why/what/who - she said she didn't really know either - that this need to divorce me surprised her too (surprised the HECK out of me - I knew we had issues we needed to solve but always thought we loved each other very deeply). In terms of the "who" I don't believe there was anyone else. She is very pretty and I've seen many men be attracted to her - so she'll have opportunities. I think she has seen someone else since we've split but don't see anything major developing.

When moving away from me - she just kept moving - wouldn't talk or go to was slow - she stopped sleeping with me immediately after telling me, but we would still hold together, etc...but slowly that stopped.

Anyway, I really want her back because I feel we were best friends for the whole time we were together, we had an amazing sex life (so caring, so open, so willing) - we dropped the ball on the responsibility aspect of our household - minimal savings, living pay check to pay check. I feel these things are repairable above other issues (being friends, sex life). I'm doing a tremendous amount of work on myself - and this week I'm going to a under earners anonymous meeting (reading their stuff I seem to fit a great many of the patterns).

We have one child together so we have contact on a weekly, even daily basis sometimes. From everything I read I believe I'm doing it right - I've given her space - I used no contact for a while (in terms of as much as I could since we have a child together) - which really helped get my head together. When I do see her I keep it together - I'm calm - looking happy, I dress nice, I'm looking good (exercise, eating well - well, as much as a bachelor can). I go at her pace - I wait for her to text me or call.

So what do these things sound like to you?

1) Been sitting with her at our child's soccer game - I think if I sat somewhere else she might not come and sit with me - but she might. But I sit next to her and she seems happy to have me there - a little guarded, but good. Together we talk about what's new, she made two different comments about something simple but positive in our past (remember this, remember that).

2) I was dropping our child off and had to get somethings from the house - I kind of deliberately took my time and at some point she asked if I wanted a beer. So I hung out and had a beer - she was cooking dinner for our child and asked if I wanted some too - it was causal - just around the kitchen, not a grand table setting - I said sure. (Afterwards I excused myself thanked her and headed home).

3) I was watching our child on her time and she was ready to come get her - so I invited her into my place and she agreed - she came up and we all sat together - she didn't try to rush out and was guarded but curious about things in my place - probably here for 30 mins or a bit more. Then the following week we had an issue with our child and so she came over again - kind of invited herself - "should I come up too?" Sure I said. We had tea and helped our child til I got her to school.

4) today she texted me about my step-daughter's game at school - I told her I'd like to see one of the games she's in when we at our child's soccer game she remembered and made a point to let me know

Anyway, as I write all this I can see the answer - she is still interested in me and wants some type of relationship with me but cautious and is in NO way actively trying to get me back. Any suggestions on when to push it a bit and when to back off? Other cool ways to keep her engaged but in a safe way...but also not give her the idea I've moved on and just want to be friends with her? Personally, I feel like I could go on without her but feel like it is such a shame to let this woman go and let our relationship go.

Thanks, CL
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Old 29th September 2014, 5:06 PM   #2
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,254
Move on and go on without her. You are still holding on. Let go, explore your own life without her. Avoid these little get togethers - they are keeping you hooked. Next time, look at your watch, and say "oh, I have another engagement to get to, maybe next time." disappear, disappear, disappear. Look great, change your aftershave, haircut, style, car, etc.

Never cling to her ever again, swear onto God's green Earth that will never happen in this lifetime - ever! If the bird flies back, perhaps, in the future, you MAY, (and I mean may) take it under consideration. It takes a long time to get to this detached state. But the moment you truly do not really care one way or the other, it is possible she will be an option. But never jump on an option. OK. Lots of threads on this here. But you have a ways to go. Yas
"Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth." Mike Tyson
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