post break-up, reconciliation possible?

[Evans223]

Hi,

I need some insight into this, I am really confused..

 

Basically, me and my EX was together for two years. We had problems with communication and I guess there was some compatibility issues as well, yet we almost never argued.

 

Last two months things got rough, due lack of communication and sex, and I was thinking about break up. It was mutual and she looked genuinely happy about that. All stress and problems was gone and it felt great. We still hung out as friends with benefits and had fun.

 

Then, after three weeks I started to miss her. I also got jealous, because of her flirting with another guy. I wanted her back so badly. I arranged meeting, bought her favorite wine and asked her back. She rejected me, She said she likes her freedom, and that she feels great now. She also said to me that she loves me, but is not in love with me.. And that she does not "feel it" that way anymore. I was devastated and begged for another chance.

After this, she said both of us needs to heal and we parted our ways.

She said she does not see us together and that she couldn't marry me in future.

 

Few days after this and lot off thinking, I sent her text, that I accept the situation, that she was right and that break up had to happen. To witch she agreed.

 

- it had to happen, I wasn't happy with this RL either.

Yet our communication went much better after BU and our sex life was much better too.. I wanted to start again and build over this.

 

I went no contact shortly after, and I still do.

 

Do you think there is some hope?

Any input is welcome.

Edited July 21, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Jalo1548]

Fairly similar to what is happening with me right now. I have been reading that being a doormat for this person is not a good idea, giving them the option that they can do their own thing then come back to you when they are ready. You need to be a strong Alpha who can be seen as attractive, then she might "feel it" again towards you. She might seriously just want to be free, let her hair down and have a good time, no commitments.

 

I have no idea how old you guys are but my guess is you are young. Just let it play out a little, give her space of like 3-4 weeks, then if you need closure maybe text her with a little hello and see what the response is like. You might get nothing, you might get something.

 

And about the last part, same here. Unfortunatly if you genuinely love somebody with your heart, and care for them you cannot turn it off like a switch. You have to let it ease with time, but you will always for the rest of your life probably love her. This just means in a caring way, I'm not saying you will be pining for her to be with you forever.

 

Sorry for not being much help since I'm in the same position, but I did my best.

[Evans223]

I am in my late twenties and she is almost twenty-three..

You are right, it is all about attraction.

And I am sorry that you are in a similar situation.

 

I seriously should have took it easy after break up, and lightly date her again and have fun.. I just didn't saw it before. I came heavy and begging..

I feel like I ruined my chances. And that I can't do that now.

Yet I accepted the situation. It was a reality check. I don't feel hopeless or weak anymore.

 

 

I can give it time..

I read about no-contact rule. And that sometimes it gives other person space and time to think.

Other thing is, I have a chance to see her thru mutual friends soon. And I think I can handle myself around her.. But it will be only 7 days after my last message.

 

But is it wise to try it so early?

Will it not be counter effective?

[Evans223]

Is no contact really my only option?

To never contact her again.. and move on.

[Jalo1548]

You need to move on 100%, but this does not mean forgetting a second chance. You could try contacting her after 30-60 days have passed or hopefully she contacts you before then. Keeping things brief is a good idea, I begged and begged and promised change with my ex, I did not realise I was shooting myself in the foot. Good luck man, but give her 30 days at LEAST, preferably 50 or longer. If you see her don't stare, but don't be ignorant. If she comes to you be happy but don't let on you are desperate to talk. Keep it normal, make her laugh and giggle, and never talk about the past.

 

Good luck my friend, let me know how it goes!

[Evans223]

Thank you for all your advice. It looks like you went thru a lot.

I will work on my own life for now. And after some time, If there will still be a desire, I will call her and give it a shot.

 

 

One part of me says, that I should never try to be with someone, who does not want to be with me. And that she can't be my soulmate, because otherwise she would never leave.

She can still prove me otherwise..

 

But I cling to this mindset, it helps me a lot.

 

 

I wish you good luck too! I saw your topic and I look it up from time to time, even If I have no advice to give.

[Evans223]

Quick update. Two weeks from BU and going NC.

And NC rule really works.

 

I did not spoke to her since, but I accepted the situation and forced myself to be happy. And man, first week was hard.

But now I feel more content and do not think about her all the time.

I even went for two dates with two different girls and it really opened my eyes. Everything is still so fresh, but I see that good things will happen in my life.

 

Only strange thing is, I am not really angry at her.

 

On other hand, small part of me still wants to give it a try. To start over.

And who knows, maybe someday we will. But I have no desire to chase after her anymore.

 

I try really hard to not to beat myself over it.

All the problems that we had, it wasn't just my fault, it was mutual.

 

 

So NC really works, one way or another

[NC-Thomas]

Hi Evans,

 

I feel like our situation is very similar. Broke up after 2 years, im 27 she is 23. I did all the begging and pleading for 2/3 weeks. I had 1 date with her afterwards, we had some fun, but I got rejected anyway. She said she wanted to be free again...

 

I'm about 60 days in strict NC now (she didn't contact me), blocked her on FB etc. I have dated about 6 different girls and it felt good, but i still feel lonely and needy sometimes.

 

However I wanted to tell you the following, since we have somewhat similar situations I think this might help you:

 

1. Don't allow yourself to be her option while you consider her a priority.

2. The best answer is silence. She will start wondering why you fall of the face of the earth and what you are doing now.

3. Don't think of NC to get her back. It's for you.

4. You will have ups and downs. Dating is just a temporarily boost.

5. She removed you out of her life, she deleted your a.ss. Put you at the curb and walked away. Now tell me, why should you go to her? It's up to her to initiate reconciling. Don't be a doormat. It's not attractive in the least.

6. Don't put her on a pedestal.

7. What will getting back together fix?

8. You can't get her back without losing her first. Lose her. Move on. Then if she wants to get back, don't go for the first hint.

 

Good luck man.

[Evans223]

Great advice from you. I will keep it on mind, or better yet, on my workdesk.

 

I can feel it about point 4. It really is only temporary boost.

But again, I look at it from that point of view that I reintroduce myself to dating again. I completely lost touch, so It helps in this matter.

 

And another point is, I see there are interesting people out there. I dont feel completely lost about broken RS.

 

What will getting back together fix?

Well... I dont know. Maybe it's just a nostalgia and old memories. Or chemistry I had for her. -Feelings I still have.

Reconcilation sounds good, but still.. I don't want to continue where we broke. And I need to get myself back first.

By that time, I suppose I will have clear head to know what is right.

 

 

And thanks, good luck to you too! - 60 days NC sounds great!

You are on a right path.

[Evans223]

Day 20, Today it feels bad..

Two days back I had vivid dream about her.

Everything in the dream went great and we was together, until one point, where she turned her back on me. She wanted to leave me, and I was confused not knowing what is wrong.

 

 

From that night I miss her. I keep myself preoccupied, but It feels like I took some steps back.