Moving in the right direction?

[Inspiteofrselves]

Alright. I am just trying to be right sized about this. The first 6 months after the BU I didnt seek help in my dealings with my ex, and I did EVERYTHING wrong. Too much cOntact begging crying etc. so I just want some feedback on how to Proceed now.

 

Long story short. Me 24. Him 30. Together three years cohabitating a year and a half. He had some employment issues the last six months and I lent him a lot of money, esP when he moved to a new city with me twO months before the BU. i was an immasculating bitch about it, and he became avoidant and unreliable . I the last four months of the relationship he was having some sexual dysfunction related to performance anxiety, that made him want to avoid sex. I got frustrated at the lack of sex and tried to explain it didnt matter if it was "good" because just being with him was great! He felt stifled. I felt isolated. We both felt with it badly.

 

I left our apt upstTe wanting to go back to the c ity for work. He followed, 2 mos becore BU. in those 2 months we were away separately on work assignments. I told him, while on mine, that I was attracted to someone, but realized through it that I really loved him, because I felt a need to tell him about it and stay away from the man who was Persuing me. He on the other hand fooled around with a stripper he was touring with, but couldnt go through with it to the end, and told me, crying. I think he wanted to work it Out but after three days oIf me being awful, he left saying I couldn't trust him again and it wouldn't work.

 

I soon realized I loved him more than the minor infidelity hurt and that I was partially responsible for his decision. He had spent the whole rest of theme tour crying over his actions after all. No one thought it would break us. I begged him back for months he left his stuff at the house for 7 months, I told him to pick it up. We had a really nice time and I thought things were turning around but I found out he was seeing someone and cut contact.

 

Two months later he sends me a nice long message for my bday. A month after that I call to tell him something I wrote while we were together is getting published and I invited him, his mom, and his lady to the launch. It was just a text that didn't really need a response.

 

He called me back he next day and we had an AMAZING chat. An hour just dissaPeared laughing and catching uP.

 

:laugh:He asks about my dating life, I say I am seeing someone who treats me well but don't feel "in love" and tell him I am just trying to "figure it out" as he was my first love and I know others will be different. He then blurts out that he was sorry I found out about the new girl from a friend and that it was "really new" and they "just got a lOng really well."

 

sounds like its a girl he basically took home from the bar a few times who stuck around... Definately not like our long chaste courtship, where he was constantly going on about how entralled by me he was. Months of talking late into the night, no sex.

 

He started messing with her only six months after our BU (after messing with lots of other girls....he had already seen her a few times and would still come over to the house and cry about missing me but "being too different" (caring about money, clean house, and being on time more-- all of which, After losing him, I realize aren't that important)

 

That said, she is probably more compatible with his bar lifestyle, and need for space as she lives two hours away in the town we used to love in, and shes really hot. HE and I were emotionally compatible, but I was never one of those "sexy hippie girls" .... But he said he liked that and "couldnt stand that type" Anyway...

 

Listen. I love him. I want him to be happy and if he loves this girl and not me, then okay. I just don't feel that is what's going on. I mean, i dont know ****, but our love was stong, this was too quick, and sounds really different in a less meaningful way. I think he's afraid of commitment because of his parents and wanted something clean and new. That's okay. I can give him that. But I really hope he realizes our love was worth fighting for and I am ready to compromise more.

 

He kePt telling me I sound amazing. He says he's going. To stay in our city (even though he "only moved here for me") and his new girl and friends all live in our last city.) he says he wants to come to the reading but has to go uPstate to work because he's trying to save for a new Place. (responsible!)

 

We talked about many things, including my "discovery that I am responsible for my own happiness" my great new job, and how I'be gotten a lot more relaxed about time and money I the last year.

 

I cut the convo short but stupidly said "so are we going to be friends?" He pauses and says "yeah I guess we could be." and I said "what was that?" he says "sorry that was awkward." I stupidly say, "I just want to know because sometimes I feel like you dissapear." (we had several wonderful dates, that ended in him crying or going home and writing me a song etc. and then he'd dissapear for weeks)

He said "I know I am like that with everyone. Let's keep in touch"

 

I text him after asking for a mailing address so I can send him a copy of the book, he responds and says hell give me the address of his new Place when he gets one. Adding "it was great talking to you, you sound wonderful, keep up the positivity I hear in your voice and life"

 

Okay. Does this all mean nothing? It sounds stupid, but i feel like ive been getting "signs" its going to work out, just not on my time. I am happy to wait because every day i become a stronger and happier woman, not just for him but myself... That said... Hes the love of my life and i want to know i am doing everything i can.

 

How should I proceed? This is the mAn for me. I know it in my soul. I can wait forever, and be happy doing it, butI'd like to shorten that time if possible.

[Polak]

Let me first say.... damn, you could write this whole scenario into a book series. There's something about your situation that has so many aspects of life interwoven in it, and yet there's that positivity there, that spark of recovery and hopefulness, and that's just awesome.

 

First things first, did you recently tell him how much you are still in love with him? During the last convo you mentioned, you "stupidly said" some things. It happens, but is that the last thing he's heard from you concerning your feelings for him? There is evidently still a desire for you on his end, but there are a few life factors in the way (new girl, new job). I think he wants to hear it, based on his reaction to your most recent convo ending. Also, it sounds like he is a pretty emotional dude, from the amount of times you mentioned him crying... I'm not bashing that by any means, but does it have any connection to the fact that his parents might have been involved in his fear of commitment with you? I mean, he is 30, his parents shouldn't really be in this scenario....

 

I can't say I know exactly what steps you can take to minimize the time in which he comes running back to you. But keep contact with him. You know him more than anyone else, so you know what makes him tick and what makes him happy; use that to your advantage. Continue to be yourself and improve upon your health by being patient. It's good to know you've come from someone who used "too much contact, begging and crying" to a pretty stable individual who recognizes her increase in personal satisfaction as time goes on. Recognizing your mistakes is always the first step in solving a problem like this. So take small steps in trying to recover what you guys had. You could always start with something simple, like some quality time spent together doing a random activity you both enjoy. Just make sure he knows (at some point sooner rather than later) how much you still are in love with him. Overall, I think you are indeed moving in the right direction.

[Inspiteofrselves]

Should I contact him or wait for him to contact me? I really don't know how to behave now that a new girl is in the picture.

[Inspiteofrselves]

Also, it sounds like he is a pretty emotional dude, from the amount of times you mentioned him crying... I'm not bashing that by any means, but does it have any connection to the fact that his parents might have been involved in his fear of commitment with you? I mean, he is 30, his parents shouldn't really be in this scenario....

 

 

 

Well, his parents had a bad marriage. Lots of cheating. He has a fairly negative view of marriage as a result, and a history of cheating on all prior girlfriends at the end of a relationship. As soon as we started to talk seriously about the future, that's when his indescretion occurred and he left. When I spoke to him on the phone I made a joke about how he and his friends are all going to start getting married soon and he said "I'm never getting married".

 

Ugh. I just don't know what the right course of action is here. Sit on my hands or be aggressive. He knows I love him. I said in the phone conversation when he started to make excuses about not telling me about the girl "Look, I'll always love you. That means I want you to be happy. If she's what you need then great, you don't need to explain it to me. I was just unhappy I didn't hear about it from you"

[Inspiteofrselves]

Hey guys. Sorry to bump my own thread, but I am having a really tough morning. I am trying to stay positive about this, but worried I am being delusional. I am also doing a lot of self blame, for not giving him space before he started sleeping with, and now seeing other girls. I could really use some advice.

 

On one hand ....I want to reach out to him again but know I should probably let him contact me. It's only been a week.

 

On the other hand: I feel horrible about trying to spend time with him at all because of this new girlfriend.

 

Another ugly side: sometimes I feel irrationally jealous of the girl. I try to wish her well and hope she finds her own true love, but it's really heartbreaking to know she gets to sleep on the chest that holds the heart I so dearly love.

 

I would really appreciate some guidance at this tough time.

[lylat333]

How should I proceed? This is the mAn for me. I know it in my soul. I can wait forever, and be happy doing it, butI'd like to shorten that time if possible.

 

I know it's hard but it would probably be best to try and take a step back and hold the possibility in your head that he may not be the man for you. Also, no one is worth waiting forever for, especially one who is so unfaithful. imo one of the worst things a dumpee can do is reach out when the dumper is with someone new. You know the phrase, "Don't make someone a priority if you are only an option." It's like asking to be taken advantage of and saying, "It's OK to put me on the backburner as long as you wish."

 

Best thing to do is make you the priority - like thora-tiki has said, "Fu*k it, I start with me!" It sounds like you are blaming yourself way too much for the way things went down. Infidelity is never justified. This guy has issues, and they are his issues he has to work out, not you.

 

As long as he is with someone else, never initiate contact and don't entertain breadcrumbs from him if he reaches out to you. You think you're OK with waiting indefinitely, but in the meantime your heart is breaking because you're jealous of the new girl - not OK.

 

Being "aggressive" is the wrong thing to do even though it's our first instinct. Don't think of not being in contact with him as "sitting on your hands"... use it as time to get you back and get back into the things you've been neglecting. This guy is not ready at all to be in any serious relationship and it's concerning to be hung up on someone like that.